(no subject)
I am feeling burnt out and a bit out of sorts today. The past few months I feel like I have become more and more of a hermit. I think it has to do with the demanding pace of my job and always having a million and one things going on. It's hard not to want to just curl up inside myself when I do finally get a moment to breathe. Today is especially one of those days. This morning my phone rang at 630am. Nothing good can ever come from a phone call on a weekend before nine, and this was no exception. My mom was calling to let me know that my stepdad had died. I haven't seen or spoken with him in I don't know how many years. He has been homeless off and on, and has (had?) been a drug addict for as long as I can remember. That coupled with other distasteful past memories that I wouldn't dredge up in a public blog has left me feeling as though I just don't know what I should be feeling. Luckily today was one of the busier Saturdays I've had at work, and I was left with zero time for reflection. Good because I really don't think work is an ideal spot for reflecting, about death or anything else. But when I got off work it was as though I had no idea suddenly what to do with myself, or how to untangle my thoughts. I went to the thrift store thinking I might distract myself by shopping for a new dress, but I walked around for about three minutes and then left. You know something is off when buying a new dress loses it's usual appeal.
I don't feel exactly sad, everything just feels slightly wrong today. That is really the only way that I know how to describe it. When someone you love deeply dies, you know exactly how to feel. You sob and rage and do anything else you can possibly do to put your grief into something tangible and apparent. I can't do that. Given the history, it almost feels like it's WRONG to be sad. It was inevitable, after all. The fact that it happened now may be shocking, but the fact that it happened at all certainly isn't. And it's not like I lost anything, this person has not been part of my life for a very, very long time. I don't have a million things I wish I had said, or a list of things I would have done differently if only I had known. And yet, if I sit very still and think about the reality of it, I do feel like crying, I can't help feeling sad. But it's a strange sort of sadness that I don't quite know how to cope with, or how to put into words. And then I get angry, because I don't want to feel like I lost something. Truth be told, this person took a lot more from me being alive than he ever could by dying. But how can you honestly stay angry at a dead man? They say no one mourns the wicked, but they do.
I don't feel exactly sad, everything just feels slightly wrong today. That is really the only way that I know how to describe it. When someone you love deeply dies, you know exactly how to feel. You sob and rage and do anything else you can possibly do to put your grief into something tangible and apparent. I can't do that. Given the history, it almost feels like it's WRONG to be sad. It was inevitable, after all. The fact that it happened now may be shocking, but the fact that it happened at all certainly isn't. And it's not like I lost anything, this person has not been part of my life for a very, very long time. I don't have a million things I wish I had said, or a list of things I would have done differently if only I had known. And yet, if I sit very still and think about the reality of it, I do feel like crying, I can't help feeling sad. But it's a strange sort of sadness that I don't quite know how to cope with, or how to put into words. And then I get angry, because I don't want to feel like I lost something. Truth be told, this person took a lot more from me being alive than he ever could by dying. But how can you honestly stay angry at a dead man? They say no one mourns the wicked, but they do.