(no subject)
I was the closest I've ever been to having a nervous breakdown Sunday night. We got home and everywhere I looked there was something to clean or put away or take care of...and I just didn't want to deal with it. But I came to a realization while I was furiously washing dishes, splashing water and throwing tupperware: this was my creative outlet.
Ok, maybe not creative, but it was an outlet. And its about the only thing I have. Jeff played guitar at church Sunday morning and he got a lot of "oh wow, I didn't know you could play", "i'm so proud of you" (I don't know the people who said this, so how can they be proud?) and "you'll definitly have to play again." He's also been playing a lot of shows and just got done recording two demos and I realize every time I watch his shows...I miss playing. Its all I had for 7 years. That was my consolation, I could get lost in the music, concentrate learning scales, the one thing I had in common with other people at the time, be a part of a show with other people and feel included and needed...now I don't have it anymore. I've had my violin for almost a year, picked it up maybe 5 times. I know E, F#, and G on one string. Couldn't tell you the string names. I think A is one of them. Might've been the one I broke because I don't know how to tune the damn thing. But switching from woodwind to string is so hard for me, Jeff could never teach me guitar. I need someone to help get me started but I don't have $75 to shell out every time I want to take a lesson. And if Jeff's reading this, this isn't a cry to beg you to teach me or to give me money for lessons, I'm venting. Anyways, back to the outlet. I have 5 animals but I can't do with them what I want. One doesn't listen at all and I can't take them anywhere, I"m always alone and can't handle them by myself. So there's frustration there. So the only thing I have left...take care of the house. I don't ask for help because its all I have. If someone else does it, then what do I have left? And its not as clean as I want because half of its not mine and if I pick it up it just goes in a bag and stays there to pile up with the other 4 garbage bags of stuff.
I want Ann to find a new home (as much as it breaks my heart) so I can spend more time with Tank and work with him. I want to all of a sudden know how to get a grasp on the violin and teach myself. I want the house to never pile up the way it does when we don't care. But these things will never happen. So I'll just deal with what I have and be happy, dammit.
On a side note: I love going to Jeff's shows and hearing his music and see how excited he gets when he plays. I'm so happy for him and proud of him and hope he goes as far as he can.
Ok, maybe not creative, but it was an outlet. And its about the only thing I have. Jeff played guitar at church Sunday morning and he got a lot of "oh wow, I didn't know you could play", "i'm so proud of you" (I don't know the people who said this, so how can they be proud?) and "you'll definitly have to play again." He's also been playing a lot of shows and just got done recording two demos and I realize every time I watch his shows...I miss playing. Its all I had for 7 years. That was my consolation, I could get lost in the music, concentrate learning scales, the one thing I had in common with other people at the time, be a part of a show with other people and feel included and needed...now I don't have it anymore. I've had my violin for almost a year, picked it up maybe 5 times. I know E, F#, and G on one string. Couldn't tell you the string names. I think A is one of them. Might've been the one I broke because I don't know how to tune the damn thing. But switching from woodwind to string is so hard for me, Jeff could never teach me guitar. I need someone to help get me started but I don't have $75 to shell out every time I want to take a lesson. And if Jeff's reading this, this isn't a cry to beg you to teach me or to give me money for lessons, I'm venting. Anyways, back to the outlet. I have 5 animals but I can't do with them what I want. One doesn't listen at all and I can't take them anywhere, I"m always alone and can't handle them by myself. So there's frustration there. So the only thing I have left...take care of the house. I don't ask for help because its all I have. If someone else does it, then what do I have left? And its not as clean as I want because half of its not mine and if I pick it up it just goes in a bag and stays there to pile up with the other 4 garbage bags of stuff.
I want Ann to find a new home (as much as it breaks my heart) so I can spend more time with Tank and work with him. I want to all of a sudden know how to get a grasp on the violin and teach myself. I want the house to never pile up the way it does when we don't care. But these things will never happen. So I'll just deal with what I have and be happy, dammit.
On a side note: I love going to Jeff's shows and hearing his music and see how excited he gets when he plays. I'm so happy for him and proud of him and hope he goes as far as he can.