(no subject)
I never know how to start these things anymore. i dont even know how to think of a subject. but i'm very tired and sitting at work trying to keep down some shredded beef and gravy from supper last nite, mostly because i know i need to eat (my appetite has waned in the past week) and i hate to waste food.
i really dont even know why i post on here anymore. livejournal has become a website for nothing better than ranting on where someone else, maybe one of your friends, might happen to read what you say. i also remember when first using lj, posting became scarce for one reason or another, but it picked back up, mostly us complaining over school, work, colleges being asses and not accepting people or giving scholarships where they were deserved, etc. but now everyone is either working, in school, or for the majority, both. so i suppose from now on this will simply be my outlet for annoying things on my mind. depending on the content, post may be private. not that anyone would read it anyways. i'm not being spiteful, just speaking the truth.
everyone knows i'm a super jealous person. i'm not even entirely sure where this one is going. but after sitting and talking to danielle about jeremy and kristen and our own respective relationships/issues with multiple things, related and nonrelated to relationships, ours or others, she's just so laid back and doesnt mind what goes on, just accepts it and moves on. i really wish i could do that. and i really think i'm at a point where i can. just sit back, let jeff do what he needs to do, and not pitch a fit or try to fanagle a hang out time where its really hard to put one. we talked about jeremy and kristen, as i mentioned, and its enoug to keep me in a pissy mood about relationships in general for a while. there's no spontaneity in what they're doing. not to mention i dont believe it'll work. but it just pisses me off they haven't been going out for nearly as long as jeff and i and even josh and april and yet they think they have a better connection than we do. they haven't been through near enough hard times to know what a real connection is like.
speaking of josh and april i really need to call them.
but hell, i dont even want to get married anymore. not even engaged. screw it all. i don't want the questioning of "do we really want to do this? do i really feel this way? can we really make it." forget it. i know he says he wants to be with me and i want to be with him. fine. lets just live together. forever. its the same damn thing without the $5000 rings and the piece of paper saying we can pay taxes together now. i dont want the uncertainty. i dont want the extra hassel. i dont want any of it. bryan had to go to a wedding this weekend and another one in nov. and made the comment his friends are "dropping like flies." well, if it takes that much freedom and whatever else you want to call it away from the guy or the relationship itself, forget it. i dont want anything to do with it. i dont want to be the girl who is the cause of remarks and frame of thinking like that. let someone else do it, someone who wants it more.
of course this is my frame of thinking now, when i'm tired and slightly pissed off. but i got to thinking who i might make as bridesmaids and a maid of honor if i got married. i have 4 close enough girls i would ask for that. that's it. not to mention my actual friend list isn't much longer. it seems i've kinda fallen away from people because i see myself as awkward. that's the best word i can use. my self-esteem isn't great so that doesn't help. i have a weird sense of humor and i'm just awkward. so people i have the potential opportunity to hang out with i just dont.
i'm tired, my eyes hurt, and i dont really even know what i'm typing or what i have typed. i do say some things in order to spark a conversation about what needs to be talked about. but i dont think any of those people even read ljs anymore. hope you're having a great summer. enjoy it.
g'nite all.
"Last Request"
Slow down, Lie down,
Remember it's just you and me.
Don't sell out, bow out,
Remember how this used to be.
I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight
Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me
Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realise all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before.
I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight
Oh, baby, baby, baby,
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?
Yeah, lay down beside me.
One last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me