Thor
Based on the lousy trailers, I arrived at Thor prepared to snark away. To my surprise, however, this turned out to be an awesome popcorn flick and a lot of fun, thanks largely to the performance of Chris Hemsworth as Thor, with his, yes, this is ridiculous, but just roll with it attitude, which entirely made the film, and various amusing dialogue bits. Not deep, or anything, and if Natalie Portman is entirely believable as a Hot Chick she was considerably less believable as a Serious Scientist, but you can't have everything.
Still. I'd gone there to snark. And if snarking a film where the lead refuses to take himself or any of the dialogue seriously is difficult, well, I was going to try anyway, even if I will be the first to admit this is not one of my better attempts. Films need to be bad for that.
Film OPENS in New Mexico, where THREE people UNCONVINCINGLY PORTRAYING scientists of sorts are setting up HOMEMADE LAB EQUIPMENT in van to watch as something GLOWING APPEARS in the sky, followed by a TORNADO.
Scientists: In an impressive display of the continued misjudgement we shall demonstrate in this film, we shall now drive TOWARDS the tornado instead of AWAY from it. Wait. Is that a LARGE BLONDE MAN spinning INSIDE THE TORNADO?
THUMP.
Scientists: Well, yes then.
Jane: How did he GET here?
Thor: I can only answer that in a very long flashback.
Showing COMPLETE DISREGARD for history, frost giants ATTACK a small village in Norway, 935 AD.
Odin: Fortunately for us all, I have a flamethrower. Well, that was fun. Let's hurry this flashback up and run off to Asgard, which, interestingly enough, is across the universe, reachable only through a CGI bridge and a WHIRLING thing STRAIGHT OUT OF Myst, Riven and Myst III: Exile. [Not that the typist spent way too long playing any of these games or anything]. Come! Enter Asgard, the most beautifully rendered CGI city in the universe! And now, let's pause for a history and moral lesson!
Little Thor: Or I could hit things!
Odin: Do not seek out war, but be ready for it! And to ensure that you follow this advice, let me just point out that although both of you were born to be a king, only one of you can actually be a king. That should set up some nice warm friendliness.
Little Loki: I'm just going to look thoughtful in response to that.
Big Thor: Hi! Since you didn't get a good look with all of the tornadoing earlier, let's all take a moment to admire my chest. And my arms. And my sexy grin.
Big Loki: Sulks.
Odin: Not to, you know, distract from all of the showing off here, but I need to add a bit more exposition about your magic hammer.
Thor: Oh, fine. Don't blame me if frost giants invade the castle while you keep droning on and on.
Frost giants INVADE the castle and STEAL THINGS.
Odin: I, Odin, proclaim you - Wait.
Thor: I demand vengeance for this!
Odin: A) you aren't king yet. B) You're annoying me. If you hadn't spent so much time flashing your smile and abs back then, we would have been all on alert for these giants.
Thor: Er, they robbed us during YOUR lengthy exposition. We should have gotten the film editor to move things along faster.
Thor OVERTURNS innocent tables, in the first of MANY ENVIRONMENTALLY DEVASTATING moments he will have in this film.
Thor: Let's go attack the giants.
Thor's friends: Or not.
Thor: Look, it's the giants, or the table gets it again.
Friends: Well, if we have to save the table….
Thor and friends RIDE little CGI horses to the MYST dome which goes ROUND AND ROUND and blasts them to the land of the FROST GIANS.
Sif: Let's all take a moment to be impressed that I am walking on ice, swinging a weapon, all while wearing high heeled boots. I am so impressed I'm stunning even me.
Frost Giant: I'd leave now, if I were you.
Loki: Sounds like a plan.
Thor: Nah. I'm me, and the film still hasn't established my general cockiness and arrogance yet. Plus, I have an awesome hammer.
Frost Giant: Well, in that case, let me just toss out some random insults.
Audience: YAY!
Massive CGI violence BREAKS OUT EVERYWHERE as Loki DEMONSTRATES his power to make multiple illusionary images of himself. Sif, because she is wearing rockin' boots, tends to be SPECIFICALLY AWESOME although a blonde guy with LESS ROCKIN' BOOTS gets all stabbed. Thor THROWS a hammer around in a very pumped out way, causing more than one person to wish Thor was WEARING LESS CLOTHING in this scene EVEN IF IT'S COLD.
Friend of Thor: Don't let them touch you!
Loki: Too late - wait. Is this what's SUPPOSED to happen to my hand, or is this YET ANOTHER indication that something is DEEPLY WRONG with me, quite apart from all the SULKING?
Thor's friends: Ok, given the piles of corpses, can we go now?
Thor: Still fighting here!
Thor's friends: Oh, all right then. We'll just…run from the unexpected monster. Which, you know, under the circumstances, we really should have been expecting.
Camera: To add excitement, I'll…flip upside down. Perhaps I should have just stayed focused on the monster.
Big monster is SMUSHED.
Thor: Well, I feel better.
Still MORE GIANTS APPEAR.
Thor: Or, maybe not.
The shiny CGI bridge APPEARS, with a HIGHLY IRRITATED ODIN.
Frost giant: Apart from the fact that neither of us are really in the mood for it, I think we're pretty much past the diplomacy part. War! Death!
Odin: Damn it!
Audience: YAY!
Odin: Thor, that may have been the worst decision making from an Asgardian for all time. My only recourse is to EXILE you to earth, where your recklessness will just KILL HUMANS instead of just WOUNDING IMMORTAL BEINGS. It's not clear WHY I hate humans so much. Also, I decree that although I'll be sending along your HAMMER, you won't be able to USE IT until you LEARN to be a hero. Which, judging from the film so far, may take awhile, unless you conveniently meet up with a HOT CHICK.
Jane, a conveniently hot chick: Well, that was a long flashback. Where were we again?
Film CONVENIENTLY repeats the bits with the tornado and hitting Thor with a van filled with expensive handmade scientific lab equipment so we are all clear.
Loki, still sulking: You know, I could have USED that hammer.
Thor RAVES and RAVES until Darcy TASERS HIM, forcing everyone to head to the hospital, conveniently MISSING the arrival of the hammer.
Thor, to doctors and nurses: YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE MIGHTY-
Doctors DRUG Thor.
Thor: This is so not my day.
Meanwhile, a HARMLESS old guy FINDS the hammer, but because he is American, he is not HEROIC ENOUGH to LIFT IT. To be fair, neither can ANYONE ELSE, even Stan Lee.
Jane: I shall look for Thor EVERYWHERE, COMBING NEW MEXICO if I must! Or, you know, just ram into him with my car. It's possible I should pick up some driving lessons.
For the benefit of the audience and box office receipts, Thor spends some HAPPY MOMENTS SHIRTLESS.
Darcy: For a crazy homeless person, he's pretty cut. [Real dialogue]
Thor's friends: Ok. Let's try to THINK through the confusing plot so far. How exactly did ANYONE know where we were going?
Loki: To cut through some tedious dialogue, I'll just announce now that I told the guards.
Thor's friends: Er, what?
Loki: Look, it was a bad moment for everybody. Oh, Father Odin! Am I cursed?
Odin: You were a nice innocent child.
Loki: And now?
Odin: Well, we wouldn't have much of a film if that was still true now, was it? Alas! All of this family drama is proving to be TOO MUCH, so I will just keel over and die now.
Thor: Hey, coffee!
S.H.I.E.L.D.: Not to interrupt the touching romance and coffee moments here, but we need to seize all of Jane's equipment and notes for national security purposes.
Jane: Well, that certainly doesn't make me suspicious.
Darcy: Plus, they took my iPod! Which is so upsetting I shall devote several more lines of dialogue to it!
Old Guy: On the bright side, this provides a convenient moment for me to slip in the tidbit that I once knew the Hulk, because if this movie lacks anything so far, it's coincidence.
Thor's friends: We must talk to Odin!
Loki: He's a bit busy being dead. Can I help?
Thor's friends: Bring Thor back from exile! It's very serious! He's already addicted to coffee!
Loki: Awkward!
Old Guy: I'll just take a moment to read over some Asgardian legends now so I can add some convenient exposition later.
Thor, at pet store: I NEED A HORSE!
Pet store guy, in fetching cameo role: Dude. Pets, not rides.
Jane: Plus, I have this van.
Thor: You think I'm strange.
Jane: Ah, the romantic dialogue! Yes, yes, I do. Let's flirt a bit.
C: That woman is so not an astrophysicist.
Thor: What you see is a bridge between things.
C: My point is made.
Loki: Why did he lie to me?
Loki's mother (Frigga? Or, as others might call her, a very hot Rene Russo): Well, we didn't want you to feel left out or anything.
Thor and Jane ARRIVE at the place where the hammer landed, which is now surrounded by S.H.I.E.L.D. guys because nothing is more important to world security than fallen interdimensional hammers.
Southwest: Allow us to interrupt for a brief product endorsement, and note: when you fly Southwest, nothing will interrupt your flight, not even the mysterious arrival of interdimensional hammers and mystical rainstorms!
Thor: And now, I shall thunder towards my hammer and through several S.H.I.E.L.D. functionaries, taking several careful opportunities to SHOW OFF my BEAUTIFULLY CUT ABS and the way these jeans so LOVINGLY CARESS MY BUTT. Also, I shall THROW IN A MUD FIGHT to make EVERYTHING WET AND EVEN MORE CLINGY.
Audience: YAY!
Hawkeye: Don't mind me. I'm just holding this bow and talking a lot so I won't shock you when I show up in the Avengers film.
Thor STANDS in the rain and tries to LIFT the hammer, but since GETTING INTO COFFEE is inexplicably not heroic, cannot LIFT the hammer. SAD MUSIC PLAYS.
S.H.I.E.L.D. dude: Look, I don't want to interrupt your sulking, but I do kinda need to know why you broke into a military facility just to not lift a hammer. Also, who trained you?
Loki: Thor, sad news. Dad's dead. And I'm king. Also, our new truce is conditional on your exile, so, tough luck.
Thor: I'd protest more, but, coffee and hot chicks. Also I am feeling sad and sorry for myself.
Loki: Wait, I can't move the hammer either? Talk about design flaws.
Old guy: Hi, S.H.I.E.L.D. That guy with the well cut abs? He's actually, um, a doctor dude. And this ID I'm presenting for him is not at all fake.
S.H.I.E.L.D. On the bright side, we have swiftly learned that the quality of fake IDs in New Mexico is not that good.
S.H.I.E.L.D. dude: Not at all suspiciously, I shall release Thor into your custody. And, no need to worry. It's not as if we'll be trailing you two or anything.
Thor and Jane share a TOUCHING romantic moment UNDER the stars, somewhat surprisingly since the ONLY THINGS they share in common are BEAUTIFULLY CUT ABS. Well. Maybe not all that surprisingly.
Thor's friends: This sucks. We need the recklessness of Thor! Let's go to earth! And keep our costumes on, so we are not remotely suspicious looking or anything.
S.H.I.E.L.D. agents: Hmm. Those costumes look suspiciously GOOD for the local ren faire!
Armoured MONSTER APPEARS.
S.H.I.E.L.D. agent: Hmm! Time for another Marvel Universe tie-in! Is that one of Stark's?
S.H.I.E.L.D. dude: I don't know. He never tells me anything. [Real dialogue.]
Monster goes RAVAGING through town.
Loki: Kill them all! Because, um, that really fits my whole Trickster god image. Or something.
Thor: Touching, but, in my brief stint here on earth I've learned that you can't just stomp over all humans, because some of them are really hot and have perfect breasts. So just kill me instead!
Loki: Ok! Even though a person as cynical as I supposedly am might just assume that this is a trick to make yourself heroic enough to be worthy of that hammer.
Thor DIES, instantly BECOMING WORTHY OF THE HAMMER, which FLIES RIGHT TO HIM.
Loki: You know, I really should have seen that coming.
THOR and MONSTER FIGHT in a whirlwind which remarkably enough leaves EVERYONE ELSE still STANDING.
Jane: Ooooh, you know, not that anyone was objecting to the jeans look, but this works too.
Thor: Great, I'm about to get lucky here, but I must head off to Asgard to stop my evil brother!
Loki: Funny thing about that. Actually, I've just played a trick so that I could get the main evil dude here so I could kill him, and then, go and wipe out all of the evil giants. So, you know, apart from lying to you and trying to kill you, I'm not really all that bad of a guy! This complicated plan brought to you by my own insecurities and need to prove to our father that I'm just as good as you are! Or nearly!
Thor: But you can't kill an entire race!
Loki: Er, they're EVIL. We demonstrated that already. Plus, try to stop me.
Thor: Well, given that the only thing standing between you and genocide is this CGI bridge, I WILL! And, hi daddy Odin! Good to see you aren't dead or anything.
Loki FALLS off the destroyed CGI BRIDGE, only NOT REALLY TO HIS DEATH, because he's immortal and all that and a sequel is coming next summer.
Thor: Only now do I see the flaw in this plan! I can't have my happy movie-ending kiss since I have DESTROYED the bridges between worlds and JANE is on the other side!
Jane: I'd be very depressed about this, but I'm now working for S.H.I.E.L.D. and have all of this awesome lab equipment. Plus, I'm assured of a sequel!
Old Guy: And to make sure you all show up for this sequel, I'll participate in a small but creepy bit with THE Samuel L. Jackson, only at the end of the credits, so most people won't see it.
Everyone: See you in the next Avengers movie!
Still. I'd gone there to snark. And if snarking a film where the lead refuses to take himself or any of the dialogue seriously is difficult, well, I was going to try anyway, even if I will be the first to admit this is not one of my better attempts. Films need to be bad for that.
Film OPENS in New Mexico, where THREE people UNCONVINCINGLY PORTRAYING scientists of sorts are setting up HOMEMADE LAB EQUIPMENT in van to watch as something GLOWING APPEARS in the sky, followed by a TORNADO.
Scientists: In an impressive display of the continued misjudgement we shall demonstrate in this film, we shall now drive TOWARDS the tornado instead of AWAY from it. Wait. Is that a LARGE BLONDE MAN spinning INSIDE THE TORNADO?
THUMP.
Scientists: Well, yes then.
Jane: How did he GET here?
Thor: I can only answer that in a very long flashback.
Showing COMPLETE DISREGARD for history, frost giants ATTACK a small village in Norway, 935 AD.
Odin: Fortunately for us all, I have a flamethrower. Well, that was fun. Let's hurry this flashback up and run off to Asgard, which, interestingly enough, is across the universe, reachable only through a CGI bridge and a WHIRLING thing STRAIGHT OUT OF Myst, Riven and Myst III: Exile. [Not that the typist spent way too long playing any of these games or anything]. Come! Enter Asgard, the most beautifully rendered CGI city in the universe! And now, let's pause for a history and moral lesson!
Little Thor: Or I could hit things!
Odin: Do not seek out war, but be ready for it! And to ensure that you follow this advice, let me just point out that although both of you were born to be a king, only one of you can actually be a king. That should set up some nice warm friendliness.
Little Loki: I'm just going to look thoughtful in response to that.
Big Thor: Hi! Since you didn't get a good look with all of the tornadoing earlier, let's all take a moment to admire my chest. And my arms. And my sexy grin.
Big Loki: Sulks.
Odin: Not to, you know, distract from all of the showing off here, but I need to add a bit more exposition about your magic hammer.
Thor: Oh, fine. Don't blame me if frost giants invade the castle while you keep droning on and on.
Frost giants INVADE the castle and STEAL THINGS.
Odin: I, Odin, proclaim you - Wait.
Thor: I demand vengeance for this!
Odin: A) you aren't king yet. B) You're annoying me. If you hadn't spent so much time flashing your smile and abs back then, we would have been all on alert for these giants.
Thor: Er, they robbed us during YOUR lengthy exposition. We should have gotten the film editor to move things along faster.
Thor OVERTURNS innocent tables, in the first of MANY ENVIRONMENTALLY DEVASTATING moments he will have in this film.
Thor: Let's go attack the giants.
Thor's friends: Or not.
Thor: Look, it's the giants, or the table gets it again.
Friends: Well, if we have to save the table….
Thor and friends RIDE little CGI horses to the MYST dome which goes ROUND AND ROUND and blasts them to the land of the FROST GIANS.
Sif: Let's all take a moment to be impressed that I am walking on ice, swinging a weapon, all while wearing high heeled boots. I am so impressed I'm stunning even me.
Frost Giant: I'd leave now, if I were you.
Loki: Sounds like a plan.
Thor: Nah. I'm me, and the film still hasn't established my general cockiness and arrogance yet. Plus, I have an awesome hammer.
Frost Giant: Well, in that case, let me just toss out some random insults.
Audience: YAY!
Massive CGI violence BREAKS OUT EVERYWHERE as Loki DEMONSTRATES his power to make multiple illusionary images of himself. Sif, because she is wearing rockin' boots, tends to be SPECIFICALLY AWESOME although a blonde guy with LESS ROCKIN' BOOTS gets all stabbed. Thor THROWS a hammer around in a very pumped out way, causing more than one person to wish Thor was WEARING LESS CLOTHING in this scene EVEN IF IT'S COLD.
Friend of Thor: Don't let them touch you!
Loki: Too late - wait. Is this what's SUPPOSED to happen to my hand, or is this YET ANOTHER indication that something is DEEPLY WRONG with me, quite apart from all the SULKING?
Thor's friends: Ok, given the piles of corpses, can we go now?
Thor: Still fighting here!
Thor's friends: Oh, all right then. We'll just…run from the unexpected monster. Which, you know, under the circumstances, we really should have been expecting.
Camera: To add excitement, I'll…flip upside down. Perhaps I should have just stayed focused on the monster.
Big monster is SMUSHED.
Thor: Well, I feel better.
Still MORE GIANTS APPEAR.
Thor: Or, maybe not.
The shiny CGI bridge APPEARS, with a HIGHLY IRRITATED ODIN.
Frost giant: Apart from the fact that neither of us are really in the mood for it, I think we're pretty much past the diplomacy part. War! Death!
Odin: Damn it!
Audience: YAY!
Odin: Thor, that may have been the worst decision making from an Asgardian for all time. My only recourse is to EXILE you to earth, where your recklessness will just KILL HUMANS instead of just WOUNDING IMMORTAL BEINGS. It's not clear WHY I hate humans so much. Also, I decree that although I'll be sending along your HAMMER, you won't be able to USE IT until you LEARN to be a hero. Which, judging from the film so far, may take awhile, unless you conveniently meet up with a HOT CHICK.
Jane, a conveniently hot chick: Well, that was a long flashback. Where were we again?
Film CONVENIENTLY repeats the bits with the tornado and hitting Thor with a van filled with expensive handmade scientific lab equipment so we are all clear.
Loki, still sulking: You know, I could have USED that hammer.
Thor RAVES and RAVES until Darcy TASERS HIM, forcing everyone to head to the hospital, conveniently MISSING the arrival of the hammer.
Thor, to doctors and nurses: YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE MIGHTY-
Doctors DRUG Thor.
Thor: This is so not my day.
Meanwhile, a HARMLESS old guy FINDS the hammer, but because he is American, he is not HEROIC ENOUGH to LIFT IT. To be fair, neither can ANYONE ELSE, even Stan Lee.
Jane: I shall look for Thor EVERYWHERE, COMBING NEW MEXICO if I must! Or, you know, just ram into him with my car. It's possible I should pick up some driving lessons.
For the benefit of the audience and box office receipts, Thor spends some HAPPY MOMENTS SHIRTLESS.
Darcy: For a crazy homeless person, he's pretty cut. [Real dialogue]
Thor's friends: Ok. Let's try to THINK through the confusing plot so far. How exactly did ANYONE know where we were going?
Loki: To cut through some tedious dialogue, I'll just announce now that I told the guards.
Thor's friends: Er, what?
Loki: Look, it was a bad moment for everybody. Oh, Father Odin! Am I cursed?
Odin: You were a nice innocent child.
Loki: And now?
Odin: Well, we wouldn't have much of a film if that was still true now, was it? Alas! All of this family drama is proving to be TOO MUCH, so I will just keel over and die now.
Thor: Hey, coffee!
S.H.I.E.L.D.: Not to interrupt the touching romance and coffee moments here, but we need to seize all of Jane's equipment and notes for national security purposes.
Jane: Well, that certainly doesn't make me suspicious.
Darcy: Plus, they took my iPod! Which is so upsetting I shall devote several more lines of dialogue to it!
Old Guy: On the bright side, this provides a convenient moment for me to slip in the tidbit that I once knew the Hulk, because if this movie lacks anything so far, it's coincidence.
Thor's friends: We must talk to Odin!
Loki: He's a bit busy being dead. Can I help?
Thor's friends: Bring Thor back from exile! It's very serious! He's already addicted to coffee!
Loki: Awkward!
Old Guy: I'll just take a moment to read over some Asgardian legends now so I can add some convenient exposition later.
Thor, at pet store: I NEED A HORSE!
Pet store guy, in fetching cameo role: Dude. Pets, not rides.
Jane: Plus, I have this van.
Thor: You think I'm strange.
Jane: Ah, the romantic dialogue! Yes, yes, I do. Let's flirt a bit.
C: That woman is so not an astrophysicist.
Thor: What you see is a bridge between things.
C: My point is made.
Loki: Why did he lie to me?
Loki's mother (Frigga? Or, as others might call her, a very hot Rene Russo): Well, we didn't want you to feel left out or anything.
Thor and Jane ARRIVE at the place where the hammer landed, which is now surrounded by S.H.I.E.L.D. guys because nothing is more important to world security than fallen interdimensional hammers.
Southwest: Allow us to interrupt for a brief product endorsement, and note: when you fly Southwest, nothing will interrupt your flight, not even the mysterious arrival of interdimensional hammers and mystical rainstorms!
Thor: And now, I shall thunder towards my hammer and through several S.H.I.E.L.D. functionaries, taking several careful opportunities to SHOW OFF my BEAUTIFULLY CUT ABS and the way these jeans so LOVINGLY CARESS MY BUTT. Also, I shall THROW IN A MUD FIGHT to make EVERYTHING WET AND EVEN MORE CLINGY.
Audience: YAY!
Hawkeye: Don't mind me. I'm just holding this bow and talking a lot so I won't shock you when I show up in the Avengers film.
Thor STANDS in the rain and tries to LIFT the hammer, but since GETTING INTO COFFEE is inexplicably not heroic, cannot LIFT the hammer. SAD MUSIC PLAYS.
S.H.I.E.L.D. dude: Look, I don't want to interrupt your sulking, but I do kinda need to know why you broke into a military facility just to not lift a hammer. Also, who trained you?
Loki: Thor, sad news. Dad's dead. And I'm king. Also, our new truce is conditional on your exile, so, tough luck.
Thor: I'd protest more, but, coffee and hot chicks. Also I am feeling sad and sorry for myself.
Loki: Wait, I can't move the hammer either? Talk about design flaws.
Old guy: Hi, S.H.I.E.L.D. That guy with the well cut abs? He's actually, um, a doctor dude. And this ID I'm presenting for him is not at all fake.
S.H.I.E.L.D. On the bright side, we have swiftly learned that the quality of fake IDs in New Mexico is not that good.
S.H.I.E.L.D. dude: Not at all suspiciously, I shall release Thor into your custody. And, no need to worry. It's not as if we'll be trailing you two or anything.
Thor and Jane share a TOUCHING romantic moment UNDER the stars, somewhat surprisingly since the ONLY THINGS they share in common are BEAUTIFULLY CUT ABS. Well. Maybe not all that surprisingly.
Thor's friends: This sucks. We need the recklessness of Thor! Let's go to earth! And keep our costumes on, so we are not remotely suspicious looking or anything.
S.H.I.E.L.D. agents: Hmm. Those costumes look suspiciously GOOD for the local ren faire!
Armoured MONSTER APPEARS.
S.H.I.E.L.D. agent: Hmm! Time for another Marvel Universe tie-in! Is that one of Stark's?
S.H.I.E.L.D. dude: I don't know. He never tells me anything. [Real dialogue.]
Monster goes RAVAGING through town.
Loki: Kill them all! Because, um, that really fits my whole Trickster god image. Or something.
Thor: Touching, but, in my brief stint here on earth I've learned that you can't just stomp over all humans, because some of them are really hot and have perfect breasts. So just kill me instead!
Loki: Ok! Even though a person as cynical as I supposedly am might just assume that this is a trick to make yourself heroic enough to be worthy of that hammer.
Thor DIES, instantly BECOMING WORTHY OF THE HAMMER, which FLIES RIGHT TO HIM.
Loki: You know, I really should have seen that coming.
THOR and MONSTER FIGHT in a whirlwind which remarkably enough leaves EVERYONE ELSE still STANDING.
Jane: Ooooh, you know, not that anyone was objecting to the jeans look, but this works too.
Thor: Great, I'm about to get lucky here, but I must head off to Asgard to stop my evil brother!
Loki: Funny thing about that. Actually, I've just played a trick so that I could get the main evil dude here so I could kill him, and then, go and wipe out all of the evil giants. So, you know, apart from lying to you and trying to kill you, I'm not really all that bad of a guy! This complicated plan brought to you by my own insecurities and need to prove to our father that I'm just as good as you are! Or nearly!
Thor: But you can't kill an entire race!
Loki: Er, they're EVIL. We demonstrated that already. Plus, try to stop me.
Thor: Well, given that the only thing standing between you and genocide is this CGI bridge, I WILL! And, hi daddy Odin! Good to see you aren't dead or anything.
Loki FALLS off the destroyed CGI BRIDGE, only NOT REALLY TO HIS DEATH, because he's immortal and all that and a sequel is coming next summer.
Thor: Only now do I see the flaw in this plan! I can't have my happy movie-ending kiss since I have DESTROYED the bridges between worlds and JANE is on the other side!
Jane: I'd be very depressed about this, but I'm now working for S.H.I.E.L.D. and have all of this awesome lab equipment. Plus, I'm assured of a sequel!
Old Guy: And to make sure you all show up for this sequel, I'll participate in a small but creepy bit with THE Samuel L. Jackson, only at the end of the credits, so most people won't see it.
Everyone: See you in the next Avengers movie!