I am number four! Because, clearly, not number one anywhere.

[mariness]

So, I Am Number Four. Quick disclaimer: certain parts of this film made me dizzy, forcing me to shut my eyes. S informs me I missed nothing and was probably better off.

The film can best be summed up as, "Finally! The film that makes Twilight look good! Complete with iPhones!" But for those of you who want more, As always, real dialogue that I did not make up, because I couldn't, is so noted.

Film OPENS with a series of dizzying CAMERA MOVEMENTS that eventually SETTLE on two men in nice mosquito netting mostly asleep until a SERIES of MYSTERIOUS NOISES wakes them.

Man one: Hmm. Let me pick up this MYSTERIOUSLY COOL KNIFE, with a GLOWING THING, so that the audience can take in the first of MANY ALIEN IMPLEMENTS that will be SHOWN and NEVER EXPLAINED, and go to the door and look out. Hmm. Ok. Well, admittedly, I am aware that we are being hunted by aliens for mysterious reasons that will equally mysteriously never ever get explained, which is why we're hiding in the woods to begin with, but, looking outside, I can't see any monsters at all, so I shall shut the door and smile in relief because there's no way monsters will break through the door.

Monsters BREAK THROUGH THE DOOR. Man one PAINFULLY DIES.

Man two LEAPS from the bed and makes a REMARKABLE leap through the window and the woods with the help of SPECIAL EFFECTS, which alas, soon fail to save him from JUMPING OFF a CLIFF and GETTING KILLED BY VERY MEAN ALIENS.

Aliens: Hi! We are…

….blogger pauses, realizing that she has ALREADY FORGOTTEN the alien names and forgot to note them during the film which kinda EXEMPLIFIES one problem, and goes to look them up.

Aliens: Hi, again! We are Mogadorians, which takes too long to type out, so we are instead going to call ourselves the Mos for the purposes of this snark. Moving on. You can tell we're Evil because we have Evil Makeup. You might be thinking that we could FIND AND DESTROY the good looking aliens in the film far faster if we LOOKED normal, but we advise you, while watching this film, not to think too much. We shall now engage in EVIL LOOKS just in case the whole killing of the two guys in the mosquito netting and our EVIL MAKEUP has left the audience confused.

Number Four, who we will call John since that will later be his name: Hi! I am alien number four. You may, like the rest of the audience, be curious as to why we aliens have chosen this number system, but, alas, the script will not be inclined to answer this question. Anyway. Since the Evil Aliens of the previous scene are hunting me down, I have decided to CONCEAL myself as a HOT WHITE TEENAGE KID, since everyone knows that nobody other than HOLLYWOOD TALENT AGENTS ever spares a second look at a hot young guy. To further blend in, I shall carefully choose the only location in Florida inhabited solely by hot, good looking white people. And now, I shall do not at all inconspicuous AERIEL FLIPS on my waverunner.

Evil Aliens: We'd, um, kill you for that, but we are too busy killing Alien Number 3, since apparently our contract requires us to kill all of you in numerical order. It was, however, nice of you to number yourselves for us.

Nameless girl: Oh. Those flips were SO HOT. Let's go frolic in the ocean, after, of course, I take a moment to look at my iPhone!

John: Excellent plan! Especially since this will allow my leg to be in a nice cooling location when it invariably begins to glow and overheat turning everything around me into steam. But first, let me show the camera my iPhone!

Nameless girl: I had no idea I was that hot.

Gulf of Mexico waters: Er, we are kinda overheating enough already as it is.

Girl: The Big Dipper. It's my favorite. [Real Dialogue TM]

John's LEG begins to GLOW with weird symbols, which overheats everything around him.

Girl: I could, you know, do something useful, like, call for help or 911, but instead I shall scream and scream and run away.

John wakes up among some SURPRISINGLY BEAUTIFUL red mangroves with his skin COVERED in SCARS. Another man who we shall call Guardian because that's more or less what he is, APPEARS.

Guardian: Hi! I am also an alien, though I am inexplicably not numbered, not an adorable puppy, and not wearing Evil Makeup.

John: Number Three is dead! I feel VERY dramatic about this. I could FEEL his death IN MY LEG. I think some fish died.

John's Guardian: And just as I was beginning to like Florida, too. Ok, let's flee.

John WATCHES the SAD REMNANTS of his life, INCLUDING PHOTOS OF HOT CHICKS, BURN AWAY IN A BONFIRE, before climbing into a truck followed by a lizard.

Lizard: Hi. Please don't think I'm suspicious or anything, just because the camera keeps following me and I am awfully cute for a lizard and this film doesn't have much of an animal training budget.

John: Because this SCENERY, including a wide shot of the Seven Mile Bridge, which happens to contain some fascinating rock urchins that would be more interesting to watch than this film so far, is not holding my attention, I shall instead fill this bit with a TEDIOUS MONOLOGUE, explaining that I am an ALIEN, and the GUARDIAN isn't my real father, because my real father is dead. Also I am being chased by OTHER ALIENS who can apparently FIND ME THROUGH GOOGLE in what will be the first of several demonstrations of my complete incompetence. Hey, we need

Evil Aliens: Fortunately for you, for some inexplicable reason we have to kill aliens in numerical order. Unfortunately for you, we have first killed number one, and then number two, and, as you just demonstrated, number three. So, hi!

Audience: Out of curiosity, is there a reason for the numerical order thing?

Evil Aliens: Apparently not, but, also, apparently no one ever tells us what's going on.

Guardian: All right! Here we are at this nearly abandoned house that I have cleverly concealed with a FORECLOSURE SIGN. This is not at all suspicious.

Lizard: I shall now turn, not at all suspiciously, into an ADORABLY CUTE PUPPY, only BEHIND A BUSH, so as NOT TO WASTE our limited CGI budget. Those of you trained by too many sci-fi films to FIND THIS SORT OF THING SUSPICIOUS are for once doomed for disappointment, but focus on the fact that I am BY FAR the most watchable thing in the movie.

Adorable puppy SCUFFLES at the door. Despite THEIR SUSPICIONS, John and Guardian LET THE PUPPY IN.

Guardian: I do not trust this puppy.

John: I need someone to talk to. [Real dialogue.]

Guardian: You can talk to me. [Real dialogue]

Even the PUPPY looks UNCONVINCED.

Guardian: Although I have just said that I DO NOT TRUST this ADORABLY CUTE PUPPY, I shall now hide this valuable silver plated alien book while the puppy is watching me INTENTLY. On the other hand, this book is considerably less central to the plot than this scene would suggest.

Elsewhere, for no apparent reason, ANGRY BLONDE GIRL TRASHES old beach house and SETS IT ON FIRE, in complete disregard for the ECOLOGICALLY SENSITIVE mangrove area just behind it.

John: Guardian, I realize that I am being hunted by Evil Aliens and have also mysteriously picked up this ADORABLY CUTE PUPPY, but, because the one thing a supposedly science fiction flick needs is dull teenage drama, I still want to go to high school.

Guardian: But, what if you just happen to run into a science kid whose father mysteriously died while hunting aliens?

John: In this flick?

Guardian: That's exactly why I'm worried.

John: I still want to go! You can't trap me here with this puppy forever. Plus, clearly, the one thing this film needs right now is teenage angst, and we all know that's best found in high schools, and not, say, facing the Evil Aliens that killed my father.

Guardian: Ok. You can go on one condition. Camera! FOCUS ON THE iPHONE! Now, I shall call you on this every hour, so that I can know you're safe, and also so I can fulfill our contractual obligations to Apple. Listen. This is VERY IMPORTANT. Do not - absolutely do not - ANSWER the iPhone the way a NORMAL person would. Instead, CAREFULLY POSITION yourself so that the iPhone can be LOVINGLY CENTERED on the screen, LIKE THIS, for at least two seconds. Longer, for full emotional impact.

John: I can't believe you've actually taken a moment to TURN from the iMACS so that you can GIVE me this iPhone. Here, camera. Take ANOTHER LOOK.

iPhone: To be fair, I am THE accessory for troubled teenage aliens in hiding, useful in TEXTING, NAVIGATING ROMANCE, and DEALING WITH FAKE PUPPIES because of course NO ONE ever thinks to use an iPhone for things like this. And, also to be fair, I am not merely more attractive than the Evil Aliens, but, more interesting.

Guardian: We must wipe out all traces of you on the internet. Which I shall do by…putting a picture of you on the internet! No wonder evil aliens keep finding us.

John ARRIVES at school, followed, not at all suspiciously, by the cute puppy, and carrying his iPhone. While handing over his forged documents, he OVERHEARS the principal chewing out SARAH for taking pictures of photos [shockingly, not using an iPhone] and putting them up on the web without anyone's permission.

John: What an ideal girl for me, in hiding from evil aliens, to DATE!

John's iPhone RINGS with the ONE JOKE of the film: "I always feel like, somebody's watching me…." coincidentally allowing the camera to TAKE yet ANOTHER LONG, LINGERING and LOVING LOOK at the iPhone.

Football jock: Hi! I see you are hot and suave, so I must threaten you with my posse, especially since you have already latched on to my ex-girlfriend. On that note, what were the odds that of the apparent thousand or so kids in this school you just happened to pick my ex-girlfriend? Oooh. Here's a science nerd kid. Let me throw him into the wall, and then say some more clichéd things.

S: Exactly how long do they have between classes here?

Film: Clearly, it's time to speed up this non-existent action with A MUSICAL MONTAGE.

Musical montage so BORES football players that they HIT science kid in the head with a football. John FLINGS the football back at them at superpowered speed as Sarah TAKES PHOTOS. Oddly, no one RAISES any of the MANY MANY iPhones to take VIDEO of this.

John: That wasn't suspicious. I THINK.

Film pauses for some PRODUCT PLACEMENTS of iMacs. Evil Aliens, inexplicably without Apple Products, are forced to SNIFF SOME LICENSE PLATES instead.

John: I am so upset by the football jock's clichés that I'm going to start GLOWING, and then RUN into a janitor's closet where I will rub my glowing hands AGAINST MYSELF. Not that you should read anything into this or anything.

Guardian: You are finally developing your powers! Or, er, as I shall call them in a failed attempt to make them sound PROFOUND and DIFFERENT, your LEGACIES. And hopefully, my next speech shall be so clichéd it can actually DIM the lights in your hands.

Shockingly, this WORKS.

Guardian: Yay! Now, even though just a few scenes ago I said I would homeschool you to avoid attention, I have now decided that even after startling your fellow students with brightly glowing hands, I shall send you back to school as soon as you learn to control your powers. Roll with it.

John: Awesome, especially since, although you might think learning to control your powers would take days and days, I'm going to do it in….one afternoon. Of course I have this ADORABLE puppy.

John MAKES his hands glow and begins to do great bounding LEAPS, in the process almost (gasp) ABANDONING the puppy.

Meanwhile, in a scene that is LESS SYMBOLIC than it SOUNDS, Evil Alien BUYS a lot of TURKEYS and THROWS THEM into the BACK OF a TRUCK which rocks back and forth ALARMINGLY since this is cheaper than CGI EFFECTS.

John: Hi, Sarah! Let me start charming you by insulting your website.

Sarah: I can only respond to that by painfully inept flirting, since I have apparently FAILED TO NOTICE that every picture of you that I put up on the web INSTANTLY DISAPPEARS.

Inept teenage flirting FOLLOWS, to be thankfully INTERRUPTED by the sight of an adult ABUSING SCIENCE KID. John and Sarah FAIL TO INTERVENE because THAT WOULD BE UNCOOL, like MOST OF THE MOVIE SO FAR. Presumably in revenge for the INEPT FLIRTING, Sarah INVITES John to a nice family dinner.

Audience: We thought this was an alien adventure movie. Why aren't things BLOWING UP?

In the absence of explosions, film decides to feature a sweet CANON CAMERA commercial.

Sarah: Hey, that's my private journal!

John: Wait, you can take pictures of us without our permission and post them on the internet, and yet I can't read your journal?

Sarah: You would think that by now I would have noticed something odd about that website, like, your pictures disappearing from it without explanation right? Perhaps your dialogue is putting my brain to sleep. Or you are doing something with that iPhone.

John: A place is only as good as the people you know in it. [Real dialogue TM]

S: Or the clichés you spout.

Further not very touching dialogue is THANKFULLY interrupted by the CUTE PUPPY and the iPhone.

Cute puppy: I am so the best thing in this flick.

iPhone: Oddly, I am providing what so far is the only excuse for plot in this film.

Evil Alien: Although I could take advantage of John and the puppy at this convenient moment, when John is OVERWHELMED by hormonal thoughts and the puppy is…a puppy, I shall instead LOOK MENACING from a distance.

Football jocks: In the absence of promised action scenes, we shall….plant paint bombs in the lockers of John and Science Kid. Fortunately, none of them will harm the iPhones. We know you were worried there for a moment.

Science Guy: This seems as good a time as any to explain that my father mysteriously disappeared while hunting for aliens.

Guardian: I shall interrupt this touching moment by going hunting in an abandoned warehouse for something mysterious. If only, if only, I could just happen to step on a weak piece of floorboard that will lead me to exactly what I'm looking for…wow, this is a convenient film. It's worth having to shove this iPhone in front of the camera every five minutes.

John: I shall now stalk around this fair in a gloomy way to showcase my teenage angst. Hi, Sarah. I know you think I've been ignoring your texts, but really, this was the best way I could think of to let the camera linger on the iPhone still longer, while pointing out yet another benefit of the iPhone is that it allows you to ignore texts when Evil Aliens are chasing you, even if they are not exactly chasing you very fast.

Sarah: I think you should know, yes, I dated the football jock! But we are now both remarkably mature about this for high school students. Ok, well, he's planting paint bombs. But, um, I'm remarkably mature about this for a high school student, and to prove it, I think we should go on a haunted hay ride.

John: I know I should be inconspicuous, but you know, sometimes a guy's hands just gotta glow.

Football jock: Hi Sarah. Because I am too CHEAP to BUY FLOWERS, I have decided to up the emotional teen angst in this film by….kidnapping you from this haunted hay ride, and THREATENING you with sexual assault. In my defense, please bear in mind that this is what suffices for an action scene in this film.

John: Oh, screw this whole staying inconspicuous thing. YOU GUYS INTERUPTED MY HAUNTED HAYRIDE! I shall glow.

Evil aliens: Wait. We aren't there? But weren't we just chasing them through the haunted hayride? Who edited this?

Football jock: You don't have to tell me that by kidnapping you I'm being an asshole.

Sarah: Well, that's good, because the audience is about at its limit for clichéd dialogue here. Oh, John! Your hand is so warm! [Real dialogue - the hand part.]

John: All I can think about is you! [Real dialogue.]

Audience FALLS ASLEEP, to be woken by…yes, an iPhone.

Science guy: Er, not to slow down this film any more, or anything, but I think I should tell you that you're an alien. And I have pictures!

John: How?

Science kid: See, my entire childhood has been an episode of X-Files. [Real dialogue.] But now - I know my dad wasn't crazy! My dad was right! There ARE REAL ALIENS!

John: Well, just, don't tell anyone.

Science kid: It's kinda up on YouTube already. Aren't you using your iPhone?

Cop: Hmm. I'm here to report that your kid was involved in beating up four other kids, who aren't talking, but while I'm here, what lovely security cameras. And what a cute puppy! And what wonderful iMacs! Let's linger on the iMacs for a bit. A bit longer. That's lovely. Why am I here again?

Guardian: Ok, we're off again.

John: No, we're not! I haven't had enough teenage angst yet! Or, more to the point, any sex!

Guardian: Your father died to save you, and to prove this, I shall engage you in a pointless fight scene!

Action FILLS THE SCREEN AT LAST, as GUARDIAN and JOHN FIGHT for all of…20 seconds.

iPhone: Yay! For a moment there we were afraid that all that hot action would keep me off the screen. Can you put us in the camera again? Thanks.

Angry Blonde Girl: Sure! By an amazing coincidence, I, too, shall be using Apple products in a not at all cumbersome product placement manner to check YouTube.

Evil Aliens: Although we're after John, let's kidnap the Guardian because….let's kidnap the Guardian. And, um, take him to the home of alien conspiracy theorists since that makes about as much sense as anything else in this film.

Science Guy: Let me help you with the Evil Aliens with my shotgun, because there is no way that Evil Aliens will be able to take that away from me!

John and Science Guy zip wildly over to the house of the alien conspiracy theorists, carefully CHECKING yet IGNORING their iPhones along the way, while ensuring that the iPhones remain CENTERED ON THE SCREEN. John SNEAKS into the house, thankfully WITH his iPhone, less thankfully FOLLOWED by an Evil Alien carrying Science Guy's shotgun. In a confused sequence of events, the Guardian gets the shotgun and shoots the Evil Alien. Everyone runs out to the truck.

Science Guy: You will not believe this, but not only did I lose the shotgun, I also lost the keys.

Guardian: Fortunately for all of us, John can start the truck with his GLOWING HANDS. But apparently only when he's IN IMMEDIATE DANGER OF DEATH.

Evil Alien JUMPS on the truck.

Guardian: That does it!

John: Please tell that didn't damage the iPhone.

iPhone: I'm telling you, I am THE alien accessory. Even GLOWING HANDS that can TURN ON CARS won't stop me from DELIVERING TEXT MESSAGES.

Film: Well, that was a whole five minutes of action. Let's pause for a nice slow death scene.

Guardian: I can't tell you how happy I am to oblige. But before I tragically die, I should explain that by an amazing coincidence, Science Guy there is the son of a guy who DIED FOR US.

Guardian conveniently COLLAPSES into SWIRLING DUST as a train rolls by.

iPhone: Have I actually been OFF THE SCREEN for FIVE MINUTES? Let's change that, like, NOW.

Evil Aliens: Well, in the absence of good looking numbered aliens to kill, we shall torture and kill these alien conspiracy dudes, because, well, we haven't been evil for a bit. And make fun of comic books, just because. Ok, now, let's convince the cops that John is a terrorist!

Cops: Sure! Because if we know anything about terrorists, it's that they have weird glowing hands and get into fights on haunted hayrides. And carry iPhones! Wait. So do we.

John: Although the media and the cops are after me, and although I could use this convenient iPhone to call Sarah, I shall go straight to the house of my noted rival, the football jock, who is having a large party, and walk through all of the people who just happen to be - by a coincidence you are not going to believe - holding iPhones that they can use to CALL THE POLICE.

Sarah: Tell me the truth!

John: Maybe after the cops leave.

John BLATANTLY and IN FRONT OF NUMEROUS iPHONES, many using Apple's convenient video recording apps, uses his powers to stop a cop car, raising it into the sky.

Sarah: I don't think that was possible.

John: Look, with an iPhone, ANYTHING is possible. Is there someplace where we can hide?

Sarah: The school! A, they will never think that we'll go there, and B, it will save on sets.

Evil Aliens: So, football jock, any idea where John and Sarah might have gone?

Football jock: I'm just guessing, but…the school?

Evil Aliens: You're….kidding.

Football jock: I only wish.

Sarah: Since we are getting hunted by cops and Evil Aliens, let me take a moment to….show you my darkroom. And the pictures.

John: Although it's a darkroom, and my powers are supposed to be a secret, I'll let my hands glow.

Sarah: Wow. I'm so turned on, I won't even notice that you've probably ruined my pictures, and kiss you.

Science Guy: I shall interrupt this not very touching moment by pointing out that Evil Aliens are, like, right outside. Also I have your very adorable puppy.

Puppy: But not for LONG!

Evil Aliens: As part of our strategy, we shall now TURN OFF all the lights, so that the only person who will be able to see is…the guy with glowing hands. Come to think of it, this may be why we have to kill the good guys in numerical order, because, otherwise, we'd really lose it.

Angry Blonde Girl: I'm BACK! AND HOT! AND IN YOUR HALLWAY! In fact, I am so awesome that I might just be able to save this movie in its last few minutes! Also I am Number Six, in the unlikely chance you care.

Cute Puppy: As am I, as I unsurprisingly TURN INTO A…well, I don't actually know what I am. Some sort of CGI THING that is LESS CUTE.

Number Six (aka Angry Blonde Girl) and the Adorable Puppy JOIN FORCES and begin to FIGHT THE EVIL ALIENS, which now include some sort of CGI dinosaur thing from the truck, well fed with turkeys, in a SURPRISINGLY SUCCESSFUL attempt to SAVE THE LAST TEN MINUTES of the film. The fight RANGES THROUGH the high school, ASTONISHINGLY ENOUGH leaving MUCH OF THE FURNITURE INTACT, before Number Six and most of the Evil Aliens rush out into the FOOTBALL FIELD, for a FINAL CLIMATIC FIERY BATTLE, as the FORMERLY CUTE PUPPY eats the dinosaur in the gym shower and GETS WET. Science guy MANAGES TO KILL AN ALIEN. Despite FIRES EVERYWHERE, cops remarkably FAIL TO SHOW UP.

Sarah: I'll just, um, stand here. Without even using my cameras.

John: Although I have subjected you and the audience to what seems like HOURS of angst ridden, clichéd dialogue, I shall now leave you in this cemetery with my rival, the football jock, who not only betrayed me to the cops but also threatened to sexually assault you, in the company of the extremely hot blonde Number Six who incidentally hates your guts. But, don't worry, Sarah! My kind LOVES FOREVER so like, I will find you! I promise!

Football jock: Thanks for the girl, and, meanwhile, here's that silver box that played such a prominent role in an earlier scene with the puppy and ended up having NO PLOT POINT whatsoever. I stole it from my father, who I claim will never notice it's missing. In justification of that thought, he failed to notice a BURNING FOOTBALL FIELD and also failed to track us to this prominent cemetery on the top of the field. Honestly, numbered aliens, I'm not sure why you're bothering to hide.

Cute Puppy: And I shall hobble up to you with one injured foot, back in my ADORABLE PUPPY STATE! Don't everybody ask how I got to this cemetery or why you didn't come into the high school gym to look for me at once.

John, Science Guy, Hot Blonde Chick aka Number Six and the ADORABLE PUPPY drive off to find Number Five, leaving Sarah and Football Jock leaning against each other in a graveyard. Sniffle.

Since some of my previous movie snarks have caused some confusion on this subject, to clarify: I thought the first two-thirds of the movie genuinely, terribly, awful, an early candidate for the worst movie of the year, and the last fifteen minutes gloriously bad fun with the very cool Action Girl and the puppy turned dinosaur eater, and yes, I had fun - partly because a part of me adores terrible movies (I am a sneaking fan of the better than this film but still truly terrible The Greatest Show on Earth, that glorious compilation of clichés, baby gorillas and Jimmy Stewart as an Evil Clown) and mostly because we were all able to make fun of it together. So there you go.