Warrior's Way
How, how, can a movie with cowboys, ninjas AND CLOWNS go so terribly, terribly wrong?
Film OPENS showing the GENERICALLY ASIAN WARRIOR stabbing his own reflection, sending CGI blood spurting EVERYWHERE.
Warrior: I know you think that feels like DRAMATIC OVERKILL, but you will just have to TRUST ME when I say I only WISH I'd ACTUALLY DONE THAT before signing a contract to be in this film.
Warrior swiftly KILLS various nameless people as strongly and inexplicably American-accented VOICEOVER explains that the Warrior TRAINED for one purpose, to be the GREATEST SWORDSMAN IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. Helpful SUBTITLES IDENTIFY the ACTUAL GREATEST SWORDSMAN. Warrior KILLS Greatest Swordsman with REMARKABLE EASE as SUBTITLES SLIDE over to him. Since this has hardly been ENOUGH KILLING for a NINJA MOVIE more PEOPLE die with regrettable ease. With nearly EVERYONE DEAD, Warrior raises his SWORD over a basket conveniently FILLED with a giggling and VERY CUTE baby.
Cute Baby, Who Will Later Be Called April, So We'll Skip Ahead and Call Her Cute April Baby: I know many of you are cringing at seeing me in this movie, but trust me when I say you will be very grateful for my presence later, when I provide the only moments of humor in the film.
Warrior picks baby UP. Rather than searching for something HELPFUL like DIAPERS, Warrior STALKS into BAMBOO forest, where NINJAS fly EVERYWHERE before GETTING SLAUGHTERED as Cute April Baby GIGGLES. Voiceover helpfully EXPLAINS that these are SAD FLUTES who will like TOTALLY KILL EVERYONE even Cute April Baby.
Warrior: Although my brightest move might seem to be flight, I shall instead stop off for some lunch and maybe a meal for my very cute baby. This will meantime further allow me to strengthen my BAD-ASS credentials as I calmly KILL an old woman who was FEEDING the baby. But, you know, she might have been an assassin.
Warrior DRAMATICALLY burns a wood framed house, dragging the Cute April Baby around like a sack, emitting giggles.
Warrior: And now, for no particular reason, I shall head to the badlands of the Wild Wild West, or, as we find out later, possibly a remote part of Texas. It's not ENTIRELY CLEAR, but since EVIL NINJAS are CHASING ME, admittedly RATHER SLOWLY, it's probably best to be VAGUE about geography.
Warrior ARRIVES in dry, dusty town, oddly marked by an IMPROBABLY HUGE and unfinished Ferris Wheel, which is not in any way FORESHADOWING EXPLOSIONS, although frankly it would be better if IT WERE.
Warrior: I'm looking for my friend, who is not, I should note, a warrior trained in ancient Asian secrets or anything.
Eight-ball: Sorry, can't help you. Dude's dead. On the bright side, he left a Chinese laundry service, and, well, we're all kinda filthy. Wanna ignore the obvious racial stereotyping there and take the adorable baby to the laundry?
Kate Bosworth: What this film really needs is a proper Annie Oakley with lots of aww, shucks and a history of violent rape, so, er, here I am. Most of you will feel that I am not showing enough cleavage or breast. To make up for this I shall whack the Warrior on the shoulder in what is meant to be a humorous sort of way but was badly misdirected and poorly shot. By the camera, that is.
Eight-ball: In a desperate attempt to add a touch of humor, I shall, as a little person, reach up and squeeze the balls of some snarky kids. Hey, it's better than their jokes. Let's go to the circus!
Warrior:...Ok. So what's up with the Annie Oakley chick who can't throw knives worth a damn?
Eight-ball: Like the rest of this film, she is terribly afflicted by FLASHBACKS.
To demonstrate the point, the film FLASHES BACK to show us some ruffians who come into the town. Despite the COMEDIC AND IRONIC tone that has previously DOMINATED the film, even in DEATH, one ruffian decides to rape Annie Oakley, because, as we will learn later, but it's worth spoiling for you now, she has GOOD TEETH. (Seriously). Annie Oakley, UNAWARE of the ruffian's DEEP DENTAL ISSUES, decides to end the rape business by throwing BOILING WATER in his face, turning him into PLASTIC DUDE. This KINDA AWESOME moment is IMMEDIATELY RUINED when the ruffian manages to shoot her and her entire family even though his FACE IS RUINED, which speaks rather well of the QUALITY OF HIS WEAPONS, even if LATER we will learn that apparently the guns can ONLY BE AIMED if you are MELTING FROM BOILING WATER. The rest of the town, including Eight-ball, helpfully WINCES and BURIES bodies.
Warrior: Hmm.
Eight-ball: We're very focused on our circus art.
Geoffrey Rush: Because this film hasn't stolen enough clichés already, I shall steal the character of that drunk guy from Cat Ballou and just go with that, except, without singing.
Warrior: Ok, Annie Oakley. Because you are about the worst knife thrower I or anyone has ever seen, I shall not hesitate to stand here knowing that you can never hit me, especially if I blindfold you. Ok, throw knives at me.
Annie Oakley: Oooh, this worked! Great! So when Plastic Dude shows up again, all I have to do is throw on a blindfold and…we might want to work on this. Let me throw a rock at you, because, well, that's romantic and all, and, also, it's as close to an action scene as we've gotten in this film for a half hour and more now.
Cute April Baby: I told you you would need my ADORABLE GRINS before long.
Warrior: I see a romantic moment may be developing here! Let me swiftly kill the mood by explaining who the Sad Flutes really are, besides ninjas. It's sad and kinda gross. Also, I still harbor deep anger at my father, but don't worry about that, because, well, the film won't.
Annie Oakley: After that, I can only give you a gift that will help your nightmares and sad feelings go away.
Warrior: My last gift was a cute puppy who was my best friend until I was ordered to kill it.
Annie Oakley: I'm not entirely sure this relationship is going too well.
Meanwhle, BAD FLUTES SAIL across the Pacific on a boat filled with the bodies of DEAD and BLEEDING sailors. CGI blood drifts behind the ship. It is not remotely clear how the BAD FLUTES intend to DOCK the boat and PASS THROUGH CUSTOMS under these circumstances.
Bad Flute: In retrospect, perhaps killing them AFTER we docked might have been wise.
Audience: In retrospect, perhaps SHOWING the killing and giving us an action scene might have been wise.
To make up for the ongoing lack of action and FIREWORKS between the romantic leads, the circus decides to LIGHT UP FIREWORKS for Christmas. This still FAILS TO INSPIRE a true ROMANTIC SPARK between the leads, who decide to FIGHT WITH SWORDS and CLICHED DIALOGUE instead.
Warrior: Until your enemy's heart stops, you have not won. [Real Dialogue]
Annie Oakley KISSES him. CGI effects GO WILD.
Annie Oakley: Did that work?
Warrior: It certainly stopped the film. Hopefully people noticed!
In a surprising touch of HOLIDAY SPIRIT, Plastic Dude comes RIDING UP. Silent Night PLAYS in the background as a SAD CLOWN STANDS in the foreground. Ruffians decide to USE THE CLOWN as TARGET PRACTICE, which EVEN BORES the BAD GUYS, who decide it's TIME FOR MORE RAPE. Finally realizing that clowns and rape don't really MIX, they decide to DRAG OUT the WOMEN OF THE TOWN.
Plastic Dude: To show that despite this plastic mask, I am a MAN of REFINEMENT, I shall now judge these women by their teeth. And to show that I'm open minded, I shall pick the Mexicans because, in a surprising development, they are the only ones here with decent teeth. Also, this will allow us to throw in a couple of comments about Spics which should play very well in a central Florida audience, or, alternatively, lead to two people stalking out and demanding their money back, which, on the bright side, will provide the most tension and excitement in this film so far.
Annie Oakley: Meanwhile, I shall try to kill my rapist, Plastic Dude, by ATTEMPTING to SEDUCE him while HIDING a KNIFE in my SKIMPY DRESS, even though it's already been made clear that as a RAPIST, he's NOT TOO INTO the whole SEDUCTION ROUTINE. But, you know, cleavage. This should go well.
Seduction attempt FAILS to GO WELL, leaving ANNIE OAKLEY all SPREAD OUT ON THE BED, as Plastic Dude PREPARES to RAPE HER. Before he can, Warrior SLAUGHTERS all of Plastic Dude's men. Plastic Dude and Annie Oakley FALL out of the window. Plastic Dude RUNS AFTER his men and rapidly CHANGES CLOTHES, tricking Annie Oakley into SHOOTING THE WRONG DUDE. Everyone is VERY SAD, especially the MAN WHO HAS TO CLEAN THE SHEETS.
Warrior: I must leave! My sword is now calling ninjas.
Townspeople: And leave us unprotected? Did you miss the part where we are literally JUST A BUNCH OF CLOWNS? Well. Except for the fire eating dude and the drunken Geoffrey Rush dude.
Warrior: Let me search the CGI sky. Ok. It tells me I can stay for a bit. It also tells me that you guys need some dynamite.
Geoffrey Rush: Time for some of my patented wise and drunken sayings. You're going to have to leave the girl behind.
Warrior: Well. Duh.
Warrior: I shall now touch your face, Annie Oakley, in a seemingly romantic way that will actually serve to show you the fastest places to kill your enemy.
Geoffrey Rush: Let's all try not to sing Cat Ballou here.
Circus performers APPEAR in FULL COSTUME. Snarky kid from earlier scene STANDS BY the WARRIOR with a BIG GUN. In fear of what the CGI department MIGHT DO NEXT, second snarky kid TAKES Cute April Baby into a storm cellar as ruffians RIDE UP. Things go BOOM but not very excitingly. Sword goes gliding past the Warrior as the action BEGINS AT LAST, only to be IMMEDIATELY OBSCURED by a DUST CLOUD. Warrior SHOOTS through the DUST CLOUD slaughtering everybody which MIGHT BE AWESOME if ANY OF IT COULD ACTUALLY BE SEEN. Bad guys, choking, RUN TO THE CIRCUS, where they are INEXPLICABLY TERRIFIED by the MERRY-GO-ROUND. More DYNAMITE BLASTS EVERYWHERE.
Ruffians: Since the ground's blowing up, let's all climb up this fragile looking, unstable and unfinished Ferris Wheel to try to bring down the two guys at its top who are shooting at us and would have absolutely no reason to, say, put dynamite anywhere near the Ferris Wheel.
Clowns: We'll just start, you know, shooting, because, well, we're clowns.
Ruffians KEEP CLIMBING the Ferris Wheel as it SPECTACULARLY EXPLODES.
Clowns: We did it!
Ruffians SHOOT CLOWNS.
Clowns: We have GOT to learn to save that sort of thing for the credits.
Fire eater SETS RUFFIAN on fire as everyone FLEES the BURNING CIRCUS for the town, just as -
Ninjas: We're HEE---re! If surprisingly visible.
Audience: Yay!
Ninjas: Don't get too excited.
Ninjas come RAINING DOWN from the sky, to be SWIFTLY KILLED by the Warrior. Vast confusion REIGNS as Annie Oakley RUNS OFF with Cute April Baby and Eight-ball and COWBOYS start SHOOTING NINJAS. Ninjas FALL into laundry, DYING QUICKLY. Cowboy uses a dead cowboy as a stand for a machine gun, which ends up KILLING MORE COWBOYS. Meanwhile, in the laundry, MORE NINJAS are killed with an IRON.
Gun manufacturers: This is PRECISELY WHY we URGE PEOPLE to READ the safety instructions!
Ninja leader: Clearly I should have brought more efficient ninjas.
Plastic Dude: Although I would have no way of knowing that Cute April Baby is a) in this town and b) of any emotional significance to either the Warrior or the ninjas, I shall take this rather stressful moment to kidnap the baby and run to the hotel and barricade myself into the hotel room with the baby.
Cowboys kill still MORE inefficient ninjas. Warrior shows up with STROBE LIGHTS and HEADS TOWARDS Plastic Dude, snatching away Cute April Baby with a sword.
Cute April Baby: I really wish I'd appeared in a film depicting Approved Childrearing Techniques. Or, failing that, at least one with fewer transfers of me by sword.
Annie Oakley: Finally, I can have my revenge!
Warrior: I'll just stand over here with Cute April Baby and watch.
Cute April Baby: I am so grateful therapy's about to be invented.
Plastic Dude: Let me get in one more sexist comment before I die. Ok? Good. Gasp.
Main ninja: Rather than let the film out of its misery, allow me to make a long speech to the Warrior pointing out the obvious. In, naturally, English, instead of whatever nice generic Asian language you might assume we would be using at this point.
Warrior: I hear opera.
Main Ninja: And I see CGI effects! Time for our final battle! You are an assassin! All that you love you will destroy! Operatically! If, hopefully to a more appropriate selection from the great and incomparable Verdi in your later slaughter scenes!
Annie Oakley: Did we win?
Warrior: Well. We survived. Some of us. If not the Ferris Wheel. And here. I'm leaving Cute April Baby with you and the circus clowns.
Geoffrey Rush: Er, given that we were kinda just attacked by ninjas wanting her dead…
Warrior: They're after me.
Cute April Baby: Well, that's a rather hopeful assumption, given that this entire movie and plot started with them wanting to KILL ME.
Warrior stalks off. A CGI sunset FILLS the screen.
Audience member, very audibly: Oh, damn it. It's not over yet?!?
In the only second awesome scene of the entire film, Warrior KILLS someone with a FISH, before BURNING DOWN a house to the GLORIOUS SOUND of OPERA, also BURNING THE OPERA. (Well, the record.) Audience CHEERS. Warrior begins to STALK off, leaving THREE SNOWMEN behind. More ninjas ARISE from the snow. Audience GASPS in happy anticipation of FINALLY SEEING a NINJA fight. SCREEN GOES BLANK.
Credits ROLL without any more NINJA BATTLES.
Audience: Oh, for the love of film.
*********
The sad part is I could tell - just barely - what the director was going for here: a sort of demented Kill Bill with cowboys and clowns. And I can tell - also, just barely - what the horrified film executives and film editors were going for here, after seeing the mess they were delivered: humor! With baby!
Alas, neither vision was quite realized.
Film OPENS showing the GENERICALLY ASIAN WARRIOR stabbing his own reflection, sending CGI blood spurting EVERYWHERE.
Warrior: I know you think that feels like DRAMATIC OVERKILL, but you will just have to TRUST ME when I say I only WISH I'd ACTUALLY DONE THAT before signing a contract to be in this film.
Warrior swiftly KILLS various nameless people as strongly and inexplicably American-accented VOICEOVER explains that the Warrior TRAINED for one purpose, to be the GREATEST SWORDSMAN IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. Helpful SUBTITLES IDENTIFY the ACTUAL GREATEST SWORDSMAN. Warrior KILLS Greatest Swordsman with REMARKABLE EASE as SUBTITLES SLIDE over to him. Since this has hardly been ENOUGH KILLING for a NINJA MOVIE more PEOPLE die with regrettable ease. With nearly EVERYONE DEAD, Warrior raises his SWORD over a basket conveniently FILLED with a giggling and VERY CUTE baby.
Cute Baby, Who Will Later Be Called April, So We'll Skip Ahead and Call Her Cute April Baby: I know many of you are cringing at seeing me in this movie, but trust me when I say you will be very grateful for my presence later, when I provide the only moments of humor in the film.
Warrior picks baby UP. Rather than searching for something HELPFUL like DIAPERS, Warrior STALKS into BAMBOO forest, where NINJAS fly EVERYWHERE before GETTING SLAUGHTERED as Cute April Baby GIGGLES. Voiceover helpfully EXPLAINS that these are SAD FLUTES who will like TOTALLY KILL EVERYONE even Cute April Baby.
Warrior: Although my brightest move might seem to be flight, I shall instead stop off for some lunch and maybe a meal for my very cute baby. This will meantime further allow me to strengthen my BAD-ASS credentials as I calmly KILL an old woman who was FEEDING the baby. But, you know, she might have been an assassin.
Warrior DRAMATICALLY burns a wood framed house, dragging the Cute April Baby around like a sack, emitting giggles.
Warrior: And now, for no particular reason, I shall head to the badlands of the Wild Wild West, or, as we find out later, possibly a remote part of Texas. It's not ENTIRELY CLEAR, but since EVIL NINJAS are CHASING ME, admittedly RATHER SLOWLY, it's probably best to be VAGUE about geography.
Warrior ARRIVES in dry, dusty town, oddly marked by an IMPROBABLY HUGE and unfinished Ferris Wheel, which is not in any way FORESHADOWING EXPLOSIONS, although frankly it would be better if IT WERE.
Warrior: I'm looking for my friend, who is not, I should note, a warrior trained in ancient Asian secrets or anything.
Eight-ball: Sorry, can't help you. Dude's dead. On the bright side, he left a Chinese laundry service, and, well, we're all kinda filthy. Wanna ignore the obvious racial stereotyping there and take the adorable baby to the laundry?
Kate Bosworth: What this film really needs is a proper Annie Oakley with lots of aww, shucks and a history of violent rape, so, er, here I am. Most of you will feel that I am not showing enough cleavage or breast. To make up for this I shall whack the Warrior on the shoulder in what is meant to be a humorous sort of way but was badly misdirected and poorly shot. By the camera, that is.
Eight-ball: In a desperate attempt to add a touch of humor, I shall, as a little person, reach up and squeeze the balls of some snarky kids. Hey, it's better than their jokes. Let's go to the circus!
Warrior:...Ok. So what's up with the Annie Oakley chick who can't throw knives worth a damn?
Eight-ball: Like the rest of this film, she is terribly afflicted by FLASHBACKS.
To demonstrate the point, the film FLASHES BACK to show us some ruffians who come into the town. Despite the COMEDIC AND IRONIC tone that has previously DOMINATED the film, even in DEATH, one ruffian decides to rape Annie Oakley, because, as we will learn later, but it's worth spoiling for you now, she has GOOD TEETH. (Seriously). Annie Oakley, UNAWARE of the ruffian's DEEP DENTAL ISSUES, decides to end the rape business by throwing BOILING WATER in his face, turning him into PLASTIC DUDE. This KINDA AWESOME moment is IMMEDIATELY RUINED when the ruffian manages to shoot her and her entire family even though his FACE IS RUINED, which speaks rather well of the QUALITY OF HIS WEAPONS, even if LATER we will learn that apparently the guns can ONLY BE AIMED if you are MELTING FROM BOILING WATER. The rest of the town, including Eight-ball, helpfully WINCES and BURIES bodies.
Warrior: Hmm.
Eight-ball: We're very focused on our circus art.
Geoffrey Rush: Because this film hasn't stolen enough clichés already, I shall steal the character of that drunk guy from Cat Ballou and just go with that, except, without singing.
Warrior: Ok, Annie Oakley. Because you are about the worst knife thrower I or anyone has ever seen, I shall not hesitate to stand here knowing that you can never hit me, especially if I blindfold you. Ok, throw knives at me.
Annie Oakley: Oooh, this worked! Great! So when Plastic Dude shows up again, all I have to do is throw on a blindfold and…we might want to work on this. Let me throw a rock at you, because, well, that's romantic and all, and, also, it's as close to an action scene as we've gotten in this film for a half hour and more now.
Cute April Baby: I told you you would need my ADORABLE GRINS before long.
Warrior: I see a romantic moment may be developing here! Let me swiftly kill the mood by explaining who the Sad Flutes really are, besides ninjas. It's sad and kinda gross. Also, I still harbor deep anger at my father, but don't worry about that, because, well, the film won't.
Annie Oakley: After that, I can only give you a gift that will help your nightmares and sad feelings go away.
Warrior: My last gift was a cute puppy who was my best friend until I was ordered to kill it.
Annie Oakley: I'm not entirely sure this relationship is going too well.
Meanwhle, BAD FLUTES SAIL across the Pacific on a boat filled with the bodies of DEAD and BLEEDING sailors. CGI blood drifts behind the ship. It is not remotely clear how the BAD FLUTES intend to DOCK the boat and PASS THROUGH CUSTOMS under these circumstances.
Bad Flute: In retrospect, perhaps killing them AFTER we docked might have been wise.
Audience: In retrospect, perhaps SHOWING the killing and giving us an action scene might have been wise.
To make up for the ongoing lack of action and FIREWORKS between the romantic leads, the circus decides to LIGHT UP FIREWORKS for Christmas. This still FAILS TO INSPIRE a true ROMANTIC SPARK between the leads, who decide to FIGHT WITH SWORDS and CLICHED DIALOGUE instead.
Warrior: Until your enemy's heart stops, you have not won. [Real Dialogue]
Annie Oakley KISSES him. CGI effects GO WILD.
Annie Oakley: Did that work?
Warrior: It certainly stopped the film. Hopefully people noticed!
In a surprising touch of HOLIDAY SPIRIT, Plastic Dude comes RIDING UP. Silent Night PLAYS in the background as a SAD CLOWN STANDS in the foreground. Ruffians decide to USE THE CLOWN as TARGET PRACTICE, which EVEN BORES the BAD GUYS, who decide it's TIME FOR MORE RAPE. Finally realizing that clowns and rape don't really MIX, they decide to DRAG OUT the WOMEN OF THE TOWN.
Plastic Dude: To show that despite this plastic mask, I am a MAN of REFINEMENT, I shall now judge these women by their teeth. And to show that I'm open minded, I shall pick the Mexicans because, in a surprising development, they are the only ones here with decent teeth. Also, this will allow us to throw in a couple of comments about Spics which should play very well in a central Florida audience, or, alternatively, lead to two people stalking out and demanding their money back, which, on the bright side, will provide the most tension and excitement in this film so far.
Annie Oakley: Meanwhile, I shall try to kill my rapist, Plastic Dude, by ATTEMPTING to SEDUCE him while HIDING a KNIFE in my SKIMPY DRESS, even though it's already been made clear that as a RAPIST, he's NOT TOO INTO the whole SEDUCTION ROUTINE. But, you know, cleavage. This should go well.
Seduction attempt FAILS to GO WELL, leaving ANNIE OAKLEY all SPREAD OUT ON THE BED, as Plastic Dude PREPARES to RAPE HER. Before he can, Warrior SLAUGHTERS all of Plastic Dude's men. Plastic Dude and Annie Oakley FALL out of the window. Plastic Dude RUNS AFTER his men and rapidly CHANGES CLOTHES, tricking Annie Oakley into SHOOTING THE WRONG DUDE. Everyone is VERY SAD, especially the MAN WHO HAS TO CLEAN THE SHEETS.
Warrior: I must leave! My sword is now calling ninjas.
Townspeople: And leave us unprotected? Did you miss the part where we are literally JUST A BUNCH OF CLOWNS? Well. Except for the fire eating dude and the drunken Geoffrey Rush dude.
Warrior: Let me search the CGI sky. Ok. It tells me I can stay for a bit. It also tells me that you guys need some dynamite.
Geoffrey Rush: Time for some of my patented wise and drunken sayings. You're going to have to leave the girl behind.
Warrior: Well. Duh.
Warrior: I shall now touch your face, Annie Oakley, in a seemingly romantic way that will actually serve to show you the fastest places to kill your enemy.
Geoffrey Rush: Let's all try not to sing Cat Ballou here.
Circus performers APPEAR in FULL COSTUME. Snarky kid from earlier scene STANDS BY the WARRIOR with a BIG GUN. In fear of what the CGI department MIGHT DO NEXT, second snarky kid TAKES Cute April Baby into a storm cellar as ruffians RIDE UP. Things go BOOM but not very excitingly. Sword goes gliding past the Warrior as the action BEGINS AT LAST, only to be IMMEDIATELY OBSCURED by a DUST CLOUD. Warrior SHOOTS through the DUST CLOUD slaughtering everybody which MIGHT BE AWESOME if ANY OF IT COULD ACTUALLY BE SEEN. Bad guys, choking, RUN TO THE CIRCUS, where they are INEXPLICABLY TERRIFIED by the MERRY-GO-ROUND. More DYNAMITE BLASTS EVERYWHERE.
Ruffians: Since the ground's blowing up, let's all climb up this fragile looking, unstable and unfinished Ferris Wheel to try to bring down the two guys at its top who are shooting at us and would have absolutely no reason to, say, put dynamite anywhere near the Ferris Wheel.
Clowns: We'll just start, you know, shooting, because, well, we're clowns.
Ruffians KEEP CLIMBING the Ferris Wheel as it SPECTACULARLY EXPLODES.
Clowns: We did it!
Ruffians SHOOT CLOWNS.
Clowns: We have GOT to learn to save that sort of thing for the credits.
Fire eater SETS RUFFIAN on fire as everyone FLEES the BURNING CIRCUS for the town, just as -
Ninjas: We're HEE---re! If surprisingly visible.
Audience: Yay!
Ninjas: Don't get too excited.
Ninjas come RAINING DOWN from the sky, to be SWIFTLY KILLED by the Warrior. Vast confusion REIGNS as Annie Oakley RUNS OFF with Cute April Baby and Eight-ball and COWBOYS start SHOOTING NINJAS. Ninjas FALL into laundry, DYING QUICKLY. Cowboy uses a dead cowboy as a stand for a machine gun, which ends up KILLING MORE COWBOYS. Meanwhile, in the laundry, MORE NINJAS are killed with an IRON.
Gun manufacturers: This is PRECISELY WHY we URGE PEOPLE to READ the safety instructions!
Ninja leader: Clearly I should have brought more efficient ninjas.
Plastic Dude: Although I would have no way of knowing that Cute April Baby is a) in this town and b) of any emotional significance to either the Warrior or the ninjas, I shall take this rather stressful moment to kidnap the baby and run to the hotel and barricade myself into the hotel room with the baby.
Cowboys kill still MORE inefficient ninjas. Warrior shows up with STROBE LIGHTS and HEADS TOWARDS Plastic Dude, snatching away Cute April Baby with a sword.
Cute April Baby: I really wish I'd appeared in a film depicting Approved Childrearing Techniques. Or, failing that, at least one with fewer transfers of me by sword.
Annie Oakley: Finally, I can have my revenge!
Warrior: I'll just stand over here with Cute April Baby and watch.
Cute April Baby: I am so grateful therapy's about to be invented.
Plastic Dude: Let me get in one more sexist comment before I die. Ok? Good. Gasp.
Main ninja: Rather than let the film out of its misery, allow me to make a long speech to the Warrior pointing out the obvious. In, naturally, English, instead of whatever nice generic Asian language you might assume we would be using at this point.
Warrior: I hear opera.
Main Ninja: And I see CGI effects! Time for our final battle! You are an assassin! All that you love you will destroy! Operatically! If, hopefully to a more appropriate selection from the great and incomparable Verdi in your later slaughter scenes!
Annie Oakley: Did we win?
Warrior: Well. We survived. Some of us. If not the Ferris Wheel. And here. I'm leaving Cute April Baby with you and the circus clowns.
Geoffrey Rush: Er, given that we were kinda just attacked by ninjas wanting her dead…
Warrior: They're after me.
Cute April Baby: Well, that's a rather hopeful assumption, given that this entire movie and plot started with them wanting to KILL ME.
Warrior stalks off. A CGI sunset FILLS the screen.
Audience member, very audibly: Oh, damn it. It's not over yet?!?
In the only second awesome scene of the entire film, Warrior KILLS someone with a FISH, before BURNING DOWN a house to the GLORIOUS SOUND of OPERA, also BURNING THE OPERA. (Well, the record.) Audience CHEERS. Warrior begins to STALK off, leaving THREE SNOWMEN behind. More ninjas ARISE from the snow. Audience GASPS in happy anticipation of FINALLY SEEING a NINJA fight. SCREEN GOES BLANK.
Credits ROLL without any more NINJA BATTLES.
Audience: Oh, for the love of film.
*********
The sad part is I could tell - just barely - what the director was going for here: a sort of demented Kill Bill with cowboys and clowns. And I can tell - also, just barely - what the horrified film executives and film editors were going for here, after seeing the mess they were delivered: humor! With baby!
Alas, neither vision was quite realized.