Lost, LA-X (season 6 premiere)
Going into this final season, many people had excellent questions, about Adam and Eve and where Miles would end up and weird Egyptian statues and polar bears and smoke monsters and questions of faith and science and destiny and whether or not this series could ever live up to its potential or become less confusing. Mine were a bit less excellent, like, would Jack continue to be as annoying? Would Kate continue to get more annoying? Can the commentary on the enhanced episodes get more pointless? Does Jacob like polar bears? And if so, does he just like polar bears, or like like polar bears? Would Jin (Daniel Dae-Kim) ever reveal just how he had kept his skin in such immaculate, clear, beautiful condition under the island's seriously whacked out circumstances?
Let's find out!
But before we do, for Lost fans, The first five seasons of Lost in Ten Minutes. (Obviously spoilery for the first five seasons of Lost.) Back? Ok!
Quick disclaimer: I had a horrific dizzy spell Tuesday night - I blame the energies of thousands and thousands of Lost fans - and I'm still recovering today, which is why a) this post is going up so comparatively late and b) I undoubtedly missed bits and c) the snark might be lacking.
1. What, no eye? No slow pull away from a dazed eye? Lost! You abandon your icons so quickly!
2. As a first class cabin this place kinda sucks. I'm just saying. Also, Charlie is sitting instead of hiding in the bathroom snorting cocaine.
3. Glad to see that Desmond did not end up having to spend several years trapped in a small hatch never getting more than short naps and endless sleep deprivation. Yay Desmond!
3. Ok, please tell me that I was not the only person to think that the trees would have become MUCH more decomposed, that is, non-existent, after a) getting blasted by a thermonuclear device and b) spending 30 years under the water. I mean, NUCLEAR BOMB. I get that some stuff had to survive for identification of underwater island purposes, so I'm sorta ok with the swingsets and the little Dharma houses and the foot and the shadow of the statue surviving, but trees, not so much.
4. Er. Producers, editors and writers: given that you already showed us the "Juliet falling down the shaft" part in the "previouslies" why exactly did you choose to show this AGAIN? You have hieroglyphs to explain! GET WITH IT!
5. Ooooh, yay! Here's the eye! My faith is restored. Good show!
6. Whoops, spoke too soon. Kate's not dead. Bad show! (Also, bad show for making me freak out and think my speakers had broken again. ABC, you need to focus my attention on the SHOW, not my sound card and my speakers.)
7. You know what blows? Feeling the need to set off a thermonuclear device and thus poisoning several COMPLETELY INNOCENT tropical reefs in the area. You know what blows more? Finding out that this didn't do any good AND you forgot to bring along booze as you were time travelling. You know what's mildly cool? Finding out that the prediction you made on how Lost would be handling its last season, way, way back when you emerged from Star Trek, was absolutely and dead on right. (I am a little wrong since I also predicted Fringe would be doing much of the same thing, which, so far, not really, but I take full credit for predicting that the flashbacks would be parallel universe things this season in Lost. I am guessing, by the way, that the parallel universe stuff in Fringe was deliberately dialed back just for this reason.)
8. YAY SAWYER! (For those who missed the show, Sawyer kicked Jack in the head. This is the exact sort of thing that needs to happen more often on this show.)
9. Let's just keep focusing on Jack being wrong, ok? Yay Sawyer! But quick question: why did the van travel through time too? Or was it just left there? It didn't look that rusted. I Am Confused.
10. Oh, Hurley. (Look, show, and I think I speak for many of us here, the one thing that we all want is a happy ending for Hurley. And Rose. And Bernard. I'm not as worried about the others.
11. Show! You do not get to force me to choose between hoping everyone saves Juliet and everyone saves Sayid! (Plus, Juliet, on another show, right?)
12. "Hello, Hugo? You gotta minute?" "Well, aside from the guy bleeding to death and the woman at the bottom of a electromagnetic shaft and the whole time shifting thing and needing some water, sure, I can always talk to the ghost dude responsible for this!"
13. Oh, no. Boone's back. Definitely bad, show. If you must inflict me with dead characters, where's Mr. Eko? Also, why is Boone in coach?
14. Show, I realize this is supposed to be dramatic irony about Boone not surviving without a cell phone and sticking with Locke and all that, but, show, kindly remember that This is Boone. Dramatic irony yourself elsewhere.
15. Ok, seriously, what is it with this obsession that BOTH Jacob and the Man in Black have with tearing up carefully handwoven tapestries and carpets? Does no one respect craft anymore?
16. It's good to see that Jacob isn't the sort to let a little thing like death stop in.
17. "If she dies I'll kill him." Oh, Sawyer. Now you have me rooting for Juliet's death!
18. Ok, non-snark, I'm really confused about the van. Before, only people and what they were holding were travelling through time. So how did the van travel through time? And if it didn't, and it was just sitting there a couple minutes from the hatch, then why didn't somebody stumble over it, and more critically, how did they get it to turn on without some sort of jump starting? Or is this just going to be one of those ongoing Lost nitpicks that will never get resolved?
19. Ok, how many people thought the camera was indicating that this shaft was much, much deeper? Did something just pull Juliet and the earth up? The whole bit where people forgot to punch in the numbers?
20. Seriously, smoke monster. PROTECT THE TAPESTRIES! Have some respect for the dying arts of handmade crafts! Including the looms they're made on?
21. I'm just sorry that you have no respect for art, smoke monster! But more confusion - if Locke is the smoke monster, in which case, whatever, why did he (Locke) have to ask Ben about the whole smoke monster/daughter confrontation since he kinda was there all along?
22. "Sawyer, is she ok?" And right there, question answered. Yes, Kate will continue to annoy the hell out of me this season. SHE WAS PINNED DOWN AND TRAPPED BY HEAVY METAL, KATE. Of course she's not ok. Instead of asking stupid questions, mind coming down the shaft and helping Sawyer rescue her? Thanks muchly.
23. Sawyer, just a suggestion, but maybe, just maybe, your plan should be to get Juliet to a doctor instead of spending time hugging her GIVEN THAT HEAVY METAL fell on her and probably cracked a few ribs along with SQUISHING HER ORGANS. Memo to Jacob: Next time, recruit more practical minded airplane crash survivors.
24. Juliet, when you have something really really important to say, just say it, instead of wasting time kissing people and then saying you have something really really important to say. Memo to Jacob and the Others: Next time, recruit more practical minded gynecologists with better communication skills. Also, show: while I appreciate the fact that you want to show us Juliet's death multiple times (the "previously on Lost," the flashback, and now this, to heighten the impact, I am impelled to point out that you could also have done this to other characters, like, say, not at random, Boone, heightening the audience's sense of satisfaction.
25. "You did this!" Yay! More focus on the many ways Jack is wrong! While we're at it, yay Hurley for pointing out that Jack can't save Sayid.
26. "I was supposed to die." See, show? Dramatic irony free of Boone. You can do it!
27. You know, if I were the smoke monster, I wouldn't just leave all of my skeletons lying around the place. Especially lying around books that I could use for entertainment and moral guidance purposes.
28. Least shocking moment of show: Kate goes ahead of everyone and disappears and then Jack goes after her endangering himself and Jin and Hurley because not enough people are hitting Jack and Kate on the head. Can we dare hope that the final episode will feature the entire cast returning to hit Jack and Kate on the head multiple times? CAN WE? CAN WE? Show, I will even endure More Boone for this boon. Oooh. Pun. Moving on.
29. Can someone, anyone, kindly explain how Jack managed to get through medical school? On the bright side, maybe these new goons will entertain themselves hitting Jack on the head. I can only hope.
30. "Anything to declare?" "Just a murderer." I'm curious about the customs duties on those.
31. Federal Air Marshal, I should note that if you hadn't chosen this moment to wash your hands, you might have been able to hear that Kate was not making the sorts of sounds that people usually make in a bathroom. Not to get all indelicate about it.
32. Shallow question: what happened to Miles' hair, and can we undo whatever that was?
33. I repeat a point I have made in earlier seasons: for an abandoned, deserted island, I keep seeing a lot of buildings. Also, what with all of the running around and crashing through forests and helicopters and so on, why hasn't anyone SEEN all of these buildings before? Exactly how large is this island anyway?
34. This is kinda irrelevant, but when my grandmother died, the funeral home lost her body for a few hours, accidentally sending it to another - wrong - funeral home and city. My mother understandably went into hysterics, although when it was all over we realized that this was exactly the sort of situation - dialogue and all - that my grandmother would have found utterly hilarious. Remembering this made me cry a little again and laugh a little and decide to take a short break. But just to say that I found this one scene COMPLETELY believable even without the interference of smoke monsters and mysterious islands.
35. Seriously, NO ONE ON THIS SHOW cares about handicrafts? That looked like a rather beautifully sculpted ankh. Also, Sayid? Still dying to death.
36. I rather like the New Testament/pagan references to taking a sick person to a pool.
37. So, basically, the whole watch/cash thing was a setup from Paik Industries? Because I cannot believe that anyone would assume that Jin could have gotten through without having his luggage checked. I haven't gotten through customs without the occasional luggage check. And the entire thing could have been avoided with a correct Customs statement.
38. "What is he doing?" Kate, why would JACK know?
39. I have to admit, kinda digging the healing pool.
40. Hey, Others! Communication! Sometimes, it even works!
41. YAY! More people hitting Jack! I could get to liking this show again. By the way, Jack, they told you that if they did this, there would be risks, and you said, do what you have to do, because, why not trust strange people living in a pyramid guarded by a smoke monster in the middle of one seriously screwed up island? Let's hit Jack again.
42. "Your friend is dead." FEEL THE GUILT, Jack! Can someone hit him again? (I suppose technically this whole drowning thing is more Jacob/Hurley's fault, but, I choose to blame Jack.)
42. Did the Others seem awfully calm for people that were told that they had to keep Sayid alive or else to anyone else, or was that just me?
43. Show, if you need to kill someone, Boone's available. Just saying.
44. Oh, Claire. You escape becoming a smoke monster ghost to get kidnapped by Kate. Even with the whole joys of motherhood thing I think you're getting the worst of the bargain here.
45. Oh, Others. You're just going to let Evil Locke walk off with Eyeliner Dude?
46. Yay Sayid! Not all that dead. Or IS HE?
One small potentially wrong prediction: I think Juliet, before she died, was wavering between parallel universes which was what that coffee comment was all about. I am willing to be proven quite wrong on this point. I'm also willing to buy that new Sayid is actually Jacob, since this goes with my personal theory that Jacob, however much time he might spend in opposition to Evil Smoke Monsters although not to thick knives wielded by sociopaths, is not all that good, so it makes sense that he'd pick a torturer as his new incarnation. But it's very probable that I'm wrong about this as well, and the new Sayid is actually the Smoke Monster since why wouldn't he take the form of a torturer? The great thing about my weak theory here is that it works all sorts of ways, or fails all sorts of ways. That, or the Others have actually been following the Smoke Monster the entire time, which could be. Who knows?
(And if new Sayid turns out to be Sayid then, um, I don't have an explanation for this. Nobody thinks new Sayid is Sayid though, right?)
And one small thing that I don't get - why would a bomb make the island sink, apparently all in one piece, instead of shattering it? I realize that the immediate answer is "cool special effects" but I'm assuming that I missed something here? What was it?
And maybe Jin will get actual dialogue this season. I can only hope.
Let's find out!
But before we do, for Lost fans, The first five seasons of Lost in Ten Minutes. (Obviously spoilery for the first five seasons of Lost.) Back? Ok!
Quick disclaimer: I had a horrific dizzy spell Tuesday night - I blame the energies of thousands and thousands of Lost fans - and I'm still recovering today, which is why a) this post is going up so comparatively late and b) I undoubtedly missed bits and c) the snark might be lacking.
1. What, no eye? No slow pull away from a dazed eye? Lost! You abandon your icons so quickly!
2. As a first class cabin this place kinda sucks. I'm just saying. Also, Charlie is sitting instead of hiding in the bathroom snorting cocaine.
3. Glad to see that Desmond did not end up having to spend several years trapped in a small hatch never getting more than short naps and endless sleep deprivation. Yay Desmond!
3. Ok, please tell me that I was not the only person to think that the trees would have become MUCH more decomposed, that is, non-existent, after a) getting blasted by a thermonuclear device and b) spending 30 years under the water. I mean, NUCLEAR BOMB. I get that some stuff had to survive for identification of underwater island purposes, so I'm sorta ok with the swingsets and the little Dharma houses and the foot and the shadow of the statue surviving, but trees, not so much.
4. Er. Producers, editors and writers: given that you already showed us the "Juliet falling down the shaft" part in the "previouslies" why exactly did you choose to show this AGAIN? You have hieroglyphs to explain! GET WITH IT!
5. Ooooh, yay! Here's the eye! My faith is restored. Good show!
6. Whoops, spoke too soon. Kate's not dead. Bad show! (Also, bad show for making me freak out and think my speakers had broken again. ABC, you need to focus my attention on the SHOW, not my sound card and my speakers.)
7. You know what blows? Feeling the need to set off a thermonuclear device and thus poisoning several COMPLETELY INNOCENT tropical reefs in the area. You know what blows more? Finding out that this didn't do any good AND you forgot to bring along booze as you were time travelling. You know what's mildly cool? Finding out that the prediction you made on how Lost would be handling its last season, way, way back when you emerged from Star Trek, was absolutely and dead on right. (I am a little wrong since I also predicted Fringe would be doing much of the same thing, which, so far, not really, but I take full credit for predicting that the flashbacks would be parallel universe things this season in Lost. I am guessing, by the way, that the parallel universe stuff in Fringe was deliberately dialed back just for this reason.)
8. YAY SAWYER! (For those who missed the show, Sawyer kicked Jack in the head. This is the exact sort of thing that needs to happen more often on this show.)
9. Let's just keep focusing on Jack being wrong, ok? Yay Sawyer! But quick question: why did the van travel through time too? Or was it just left there? It didn't look that rusted. I Am Confused.
10. Oh, Hurley. (Look, show, and I think I speak for many of us here, the one thing that we all want is a happy ending for Hurley. And Rose. And Bernard. I'm not as worried about the others.
11. Show! You do not get to force me to choose between hoping everyone saves Juliet and everyone saves Sayid! (Plus, Juliet, on another show, right?)
12. "Hello, Hugo? You gotta minute?" "Well, aside from the guy bleeding to death and the woman at the bottom of a electromagnetic shaft and the whole time shifting thing and needing some water, sure, I can always talk to the ghost dude responsible for this!"
13. Oh, no. Boone's back. Definitely bad, show. If you must inflict me with dead characters, where's Mr. Eko? Also, why is Boone in coach?
14. Show, I realize this is supposed to be dramatic irony about Boone not surviving without a cell phone and sticking with Locke and all that, but, show, kindly remember that This is Boone. Dramatic irony yourself elsewhere.
15. Ok, seriously, what is it with this obsession that BOTH Jacob and the Man in Black have with tearing up carefully handwoven tapestries and carpets? Does no one respect craft anymore?
16. It's good to see that Jacob isn't the sort to let a little thing like death stop in.
17. "If she dies I'll kill him." Oh, Sawyer. Now you have me rooting for Juliet's death!
18. Ok, non-snark, I'm really confused about the van. Before, only people and what they were holding were travelling through time. So how did the van travel through time? And if it didn't, and it was just sitting there a couple minutes from the hatch, then why didn't somebody stumble over it, and more critically, how did they get it to turn on without some sort of jump starting? Or is this just going to be one of those ongoing Lost nitpicks that will never get resolved?
19. Ok, how many people thought the camera was indicating that this shaft was much, much deeper? Did something just pull Juliet and the earth up? The whole bit where people forgot to punch in the numbers?
20. Seriously, smoke monster. PROTECT THE TAPESTRIES! Have some respect for the dying arts of handmade crafts! Including the looms they're made on?
21. I'm just sorry that you have no respect for art, smoke monster! But more confusion - if Locke is the smoke monster, in which case, whatever, why did he (Locke) have to ask Ben about the whole smoke monster/daughter confrontation since he kinda was there all along?
22. "Sawyer, is she ok?" And right there, question answered. Yes, Kate will continue to annoy the hell out of me this season. SHE WAS PINNED DOWN AND TRAPPED BY HEAVY METAL, KATE. Of course she's not ok. Instead of asking stupid questions, mind coming down the shaft and helping Sawyer rescue her? Thanks muchly.
23. Sawyer, just a suggestion, but maybe, just maybe, your plan should be to get Juliet to a doctor instead of spending time hugging her GIVEN THAT HEAVY METAL fell on her and probably cracked a few ribs along with SQUISHING HER ORGANS. Memo to Jacob: Next time, recruit more practical minded airplane crash survivors.
24. Juliet, when you have something really really important to say, just say it, instead of wasting time kissing people and then saying you have something really really important to say. Memo to Jacob and the Others: Next time, recruit more practical minded gynecologists with better communication skills. Also, show: while I appreciate the fact that you want to show us Juliet's death multiple times (the "previously on Lost," the flashback, and now this, to heighten the impact, I am impelled to point out that you could also have done this to other characters, like, say, not at random, Boone, heightening the audience's sense of satisfaction.
25. "You did this!" Yay! More focus on the many ways Jack is wrong! While we're at it, yay Hurley for pointing out that Jack can't save Sayid.
26. "I was supposed to die." See, show? Dramatic irony free of Boone. You can do it!
27. You know, if I were the smoke monster, I wouldn't just leave all of my skeletons lying around the place. Especially lying around books that I could use for entertainment and moral guidance purposes.
28. Least shocking moment of show: Kate goes ahead of everyone and disappears and then Jack goes after her endangering himself and Jin and Hurley because not enough people are hitting Jack and Kate on the head. Can we dare hope that the final episode will feature the entire cast returning to hit Jack and Kate on the head multiple times? CAN WE? CAN WE? Show, I will even endure More Boone for this boon. Oooh. Pun. Moving on.
29. Can someone, anyone, kindly explain how Jack managed to get through medical school? On the bright side, maybe these new goons will entertain themselves hitting Jack on the head. I can only hope.
30. "Anything to declare?" "Just a murderer." I'm curious about the customs duties on those.
31. Federal Air Marshal, I should note that if you hadn't chosen this moment to wash your hands, you might have been able to hear that Kate was not making the sorts of sounds that people usually make in a bathroom. Not to get all indelicate about it.
32. Shallow question: what happened to Miles' hair, and can we undo whatever that was?
33. I repeat a point I have made in earlier seasons: for an abandoned, deserted island, I keep seeing a lot of buildings. Also, what with all of the running around and crashing through forests and helicopters and so on, why hasn't anyone SEEN all of these buildings before? Exactly how large is this island anyway?
34. This is kinda irrelevant, but when my grandmother died, the funeral home lost her body for a few hours, accidentally sending it to another - wrong - funeral home and city. My mother understandably went into hysterics, although when it was all over we realized that this was exactly the sort of situation - dialogue and all - that my grandmother would have found utterly hilarious. Remembering this made me cry a little again and laugh a little and decide to take a short break. But just to say that I found this one scene COMPLETELY believable even without the interference of smoke monsters and mysterious islands.
35. Seriously, NO ONE ON THIS SHOW cares about handicrafts? That looked like a rather beautifully sculpted ankh. Also, Sayid? Still dying to death.
36. I rather like the New Testament/pagan references to taking a sick person to a pool.
37. So, basically, the whole watch/cash thing was a setup from Paik Industries? Because I cannot believe that anyone would assume that Jin could have gotten through without having his luggage checked. I haven't gotten through customs without the occasional luggage check. And the entire thing could have been avoided with a correct Customs statement.
38. "What is he doing?" Kate, why would JACK know?
39. I have to admit, kinda digging the healing pool.
40. Hey, Others! Communication! Sometimes, it even works!
41. YAY! More people hitting Jack! I could get to liking this show again. By the way, Jack, they told you that if they did this, there would be risks, and you said, do what you have to do, because, why not trust strange people living in a pyramid guarded by a smoke monster in the middle of one seriously screwed up island? Let's hit Jack again.
42. "Your friend is dead." FEEL THE GUILT, Jack! Can someone hit him again? (I suppose technically this whole drowning thing is more Jacob/Hurley's fault, but, I choose to blame Jack.)
42. Did the Others seem awfully calm for people that were told that they had to keep Sayid alive or else to anyone else, or was that just me?
43. Show, if you need to kill someone, Boone's available. Just saying.
44. Oh, Claire. You escape becoming a smoke monster ghost to get kidnapped by Kate. Even with the whole joys of motherhood thing I think you're getting the worst of the bargain here.
45. Oh, Others. You're just going to let Evil Locke walk off with Eyeliner Dude?
46. Yay Sayid! Not all that dead. Or IS HE?
One small potentially wrong prediction: I think Juliet, before she died, was wavering between parallel universes which was what that coffee comment was all about. I am willing to be proven quite wrong on this point. I'm also willing to buy that new Sayid is actually Jacob, since this goes with my personal theory that Jacob, however much time he might spend in opposition to Evil Smoke Monsters although not to thick knives wielded by sociopaths, is not all that good, so it makes sense that he'd pick a torturer as his new incarnation. But it's very probable that I'm wrong about this as well, and the new Sayid is actually the Smoke Monster since why wouldn't he take the form of a torturer? The great thing about my weak theory here is that it works all sorts of ways, or fails all sorts of ways. That, or the Others have actually been following the Smoke Monster the entire time, which could be. Who knows?
(And if new Sayid turns out to be Sayid then, um, I don't have an explanation for this. Nobody thinks new Sayid is Sayid though, right?)
And one small thing that I don't get - why would a bomb make the island sink, apparently all in one piece, instead of shattering it? I realize that the immediate answer is "cool special effects" but I'm assuming that I missed something here? What was it?
And maybe Jin will get actual dialogue this season. I can only hope.