You know it's going to be one of those trips when...
1) An SUV steals your parking place. Ok, hardly an unusual event. But then, the SUV turns around and begs you for directions, in Spanish, and you drive off, and then later meet up with the owner of said SUV who is very very confused because, as it happens, she's at the _wrong airport_, and doesn't seem to grasp this concept.
2) US Airways announces, in Charlotte, that your flight will be only a little bit delayed.
3) And then they announce that it will be a little bit more delayed.
4) And then they announce that the delay is Beyond Their Control, and can only be fixed by bringing in a new airplane, which is all cool and all, except that said airplane is still in the sky.
5) Hours later, said airplane lands. We all trot onto said airline. We sit on said airplane.
6) This is not, in fact, a good airplane.
7) We get on another airplane.
8) Airplane number 3 (yes, you were counting correctly) heads off into the crystal clear happy sky. US Airways informs us that they are delighted to have us on board.
9) US Airways pulls out the beverage cart.
10) You know how it is, when you're reading a book that really isn't all that good, and you're feeling kinda guilty about wasting your time since you have a lot of studying to do, or writing to do, or preparing presentations to do, and instead you're reading a book that isn't even particularly good from the mind candy point of view, and you rather wish you had picked up a Scott Turow mind candy book instead, since you're starting to feel that somebody should be punishing you for reading this book, when suddenly the airplane LURCHES, dives, lurches again, tilts, and swings up, much of which you missed because you, and more critically your brand new coat, your presentations, your hand, and much of the seat and aisle are now covered with steaming hot decaffeniated coffee and you are howling in pain.
11) Ok, maybe you don't. But I do.
12) And now you are frantically trying to clean up the coat and the presentations and put cold water on your scalded hand and the pilot is shouting that everyone, including the nice air attendant who spilled this all over you in the first place but is now trying to administer first aid must sit down now because it's dangerous and suddenly somebody's computer bag slams into your foot.
13) The first hotel is lovely, really lovely, and you'd enjoy this more if you weren't putting on anti-burn cream.
14) You have to spend the next day driving around Rhode Island, and [paragraphs deleted for the sake of readers]
15) You're about to see friends and relatives that you haven't seen for years, and they are expecting you at about 7, which would be good, except that you are in Providence.
16) And apparently I-95 on Providence loves you so much that it doesn't want you to ever, ever, leave, so it has stopped dead, and you are not going to move, ever.
17) Apparently, all cell phones in Massachusetts respond with the cheery words "The cellular customer you are trying to reach..."
18) You go looking for your relative and find yourself at a fetish party.
19) Yes, really.
20) This is not even mentioning the excitement in the bathroom at the Vietnamese restaurant.
21) You have a business trip scheduled in Salem, Massachusetts on Halloween.
22) A clown is sitting on the trunk of your SUV, getting ready to do performance art.
23) You let him, because although you are, at this point, almost late for your appointment, it's not like you can move your car or anything.
24) You call your office to have them call to change your appointment around, and try to explain that this is because you are currently imprisoned by clowns.
25) Try to translate this into Spanish, since your assistant clearly didn't get it, and realize that you did not, in a single Spanish lesson, learn how to say "I am imprisoned by clowns," and make this sound remotely convincing.
26) Salem is probably a decent enough town, overall, but Halloween is clearly not, and I cannot emphasize this enough, the best day to visit.
27) You realize that your only way back to the highway is through Salem, in roads currently blocked by witches, clowns, popcorn balls, cider, and so on, which means that you are not going to get back to the highway. At least not that way.
28) You are travelling in Massachusetts, the state that firmly believes that road signs are just optional sorts of things, and if it's a major road, you already know what it is, right, so why should anybody bother to put a sign on it?
29) You see considerably more of Massachusetts than you intended to.
30) You start missing the clowns.
31) You find another clown, and stop and get directions from the clown.
32) You call your office again and tell them that you really are going to make it to the next appointment, since you are no longer lost at all since you got directions from a clown.
33) Your assistant now knows what clowns are and is very excited about learning a new English word, and proceeds to give you all kinds of rather filthy stories about clowns in Ecuador, when you realize that the clown was just having you on and actually had no freaking idea where to send you.
34) Your other coworker chooses this moment to call you. "I'm looking for a clown that knows what she's doing," you grumble. "Let's all remember where we're working," he says. "No, seriously, I'm looking for a street clown. Unless you can give me directions..."
35) Mapquest sucks, and I mean, seriously, seriously, sucks.
36) ALTHOUGH IT WOULD ALSO HELP IF MASSACHUSETTS WOULD GET THE CONCEPT OF STREET SIGNS ALREADY.
37) When you reach Clark University, the visitor's parking is full of pumpkins.
38) Cellphones really suck.
39) You finally reach Vermont, all happy because Vermont has street signs, and not incidentally also has fewer small figures in Harry Potter costumes running around, and find yourslef at the Quality Inn, which to your genuine surprise, just happens to be hosting a small SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms) party, where...
40) ..."I think that trying to make rabbit was not a good move."
41) Everybody decides to head over and have the first part of the SCA party in the Indian restaurant, which works.
42) A group of people decide to do a dagger fight by, and in, the hot tub.
43) Saturday morning you head back to work, and meet a coworker. Realize that although you both work in the same building in Fort Lauderdale, FL, and have worked there for over a year, this time in Vermont is the first time the two of you have ever actually met.
44) You - gasp! - step on chocolate and destroy it!
45) You again stop in Charlotte, NC on the way back. You again go directly to your gate to make the connection. You again sit and wait patiently. And you again hear --
46) "I've just been told that there will be a slight delay in our flight...apparently we need to do an additional mechanical inspection."
47) (Forty-five minutes later) "Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been told that a new airplane is on its way in from the hanger. We do apologize for the delay."
48) (Thirty-five minutes later) "Ladies and gentlemen, the plane is coming in from the hanger."
49) (Ten minutes later) "I think the plane got lost."
50) (Five minutes later) "Ok, our new plane accidently pulled into the wrong gate, but everything is straightened out now, and you'll be on board very, very soon."
51) Even the cats realize that bothering you would be unproductive at this moment.
2) US Airways announces, in Charlotte, that your flight will be only a little bit delayed.
3) And then they announce that it will be a little bit more delayed.
4) And then they announce that the delay is Beyond Their Control, and can only be fixed by bringing in a new airplane, which is all cool and all, except that said airplane is still in the sky.
5) Hours later, said airplane lands. We all trot onto said airline. We sit on said airplane.
6) This is not, in fact, a good airplane.
7) We get on another airplane.
8) Airplane number 3 (yes, you were counting correctly) heads off into the crystal clear happy sky. US Airways informs us that they are delighted to have us on board.
9) US Airways pulls out the beverage cart.
10) You know how it is, when you're reading a book that really isn't all that good, and you're feeling kinda guilty about wasting your time since you have a lot of studying to do, or writing to do, or preparing presentations to do, and instead you're reading a book that isn't even particularly good from the mind candy point of view, and you rather wish you had picked up a Scott Turow mind candy book instead, since you're starting to feel that somebody should be punishing you for reading this book, when suddenly the airplane LURCHES, dives, lurches again, tilts, and swings up, much of which you missed because you, and more critically your brand new coat, your presentations, your hand, and much of the seat and aisle are now covered with steaming hot decaffeniated coffee and you are howling in pain.
11) Ok, maybe you don't. But I do.
12) And now you are frantically trying to clean up the coat and the presentations and put cold water on your scalded hand and the pilot is shouting that everyone, including the nice air attendant who spilled this all over you in the first place but is now trying to administer first aid must sit down now because it's dangerous and suddenly somebody's computer bag slams into your foot.
13) The first hotel is lovely, really lovely, and you'd enjoy this more if you weren't putting on anti-burn cream.
14) You have to spend the next day driving around Rhode Island, and [paragraphs deleted for the sake of readers]
15) You're about to see friends and relatives that you haven't seen for years, and they are expecting you at about 7, which would be good, except that you are in Providence.
16) And apparently I-95 on Providence loves you so much that it doesn't want you to ever, ever, leave, so it has stopped dead, and you are not going to move, ever.
17) Apparently, all cell phones in Massachusetts respond with the cheery words "The cellular customer you are trying to reach..."
18) You go looking for your relative and find yourself at a fetish party.
19) Yes, really.
20) This is not even mentioning the excitement in the bathroom at the Vietnamese restaurant.
21) You have a business trip scheduled in Salem, Massachusetts on Halloween.
22) A clown is sitting on the trunk of your SUV, getting ready to do performance art.
23) You let him, because although you are, at this point, almost late for your appointment, it's not like you can move your car or anything.
24) You call your office to have them call to change your appointment around, and try to explain that this is because you are currently imprisoned by clowns.
25) Try to translate this into Spanish, since your assistant clearly didn't get it, and realize that you did not, in a single Spanish lesson, learn how to say "I am imprisoned by clowns," and make this sound remotely convincing.
26) Salem is probably a decent enough town, overall, but Halloween is clearly not, and I cannot emphasize this enough, the best day to visit.
27) You realize that your only way back to the highway is through Salem, in roads currently blocked by witches, clowns, popcorn balls, cider, and so on, which means that you are not going to get back to the highway. At least not that way.
28) You are travelling in Massachusetts, the state that firmly believes that road signs are just optional sorts of things, and if it's a major road, you already know what it is, right, so why should anybody bother to put a sign on it?
29) You see considerably more of Massachusetts than you intended to.
30) You start missing the clowns.
31) You find another clown, and stop and get directions from the clown.
32) You call your office again and tell them that you really are going to make it to the next appointment, since you are no longer lost at all since you got directions from a clown.
33) Your assistant now knows what clowns are and is very excited about learning a new English word, and proceeds to give you all kinds of rather filthy stories about clowns in Ecuador, when you realize that the clown was just having you on and actually had no freaking idea where to send you.
34) Your other coworker chooses this moment to call you. "I'm looking for a clown that knows what she's doing," you grumble. "Let's all remember where we're working," he says. "No, seriously, I'm looking for a street clown. Unless you can give me directions..."
35) Mapquest sucks, and I mean, seriously, seriously, sucks.
36) ALTHOUGH IT WOULD ALSO HELP IF MASSACHUSETTS WOULD GET THE CONCEPT OF STREET SIGNS ALREADY.
37) When you reach Clark University, the visitor's parking is full of pumpkins.
38) Cellphones really suck.
39) You finally reach Vermont, all happy because Vermont has street signs, and not incidentally also has fewer small figures in Harry Potter costumes running around, and find yourslef at the Quality Inn, which to your genuine surprise, just happens to be hosting a small SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms) party, where...
40) ..."I think that trying to make rabbit was not a good move."
41) Everybody decides to head over and have the first part of the SCA party in the Indian restaurant, which works.
42) A group of people decide to do a dagger fight by, and in, the hot tub.
43) Saturday morning you head back to work, and meet a coworker. Realize that although you both work in the same building in Fort Lauderdale, FL, and have worked there for over a year, this time in Vermont is the first time the two of you have ever actually met.
44) You - gasp! - step on chocolate and destroy it!
45) You again stop in Charlotte, NC on the way back. You again go directly to your gate to make the connection. You again sit and wait patiently. And you again hear --
46) "I've just been told that there will be a slight delay in our flight...apparently we need to do an additional mechanical inspection."
47) (Forty-five minutes later) "Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been told that a new airplane is on its way in from the hanger. We do apologize for the delay."
48) (Thirty-five minutes later) "Ladies and gentlemen, the plane is coming in from the hanger."
49) (Ten minutes later) "I think the plane got lost."
50) (Five minutes later) "Ok, our new plane accidently pulled into the wrong gate, but everything is straightened out now, and you'll be on board very, very soon."
51) Even the cats realize that bothering you would be unproductive at this moment.