Wrath of the Titans!
Full disclosure: it's been years since I saw the first Clash of the Titans film, which I don't recall enjoying that much, and I missed the remake entirely, so I came in with pretty much no knowledge of what had happened before. Which turned out not to mean much, but I anticipate. Second, I must admit to a slight bias when it comes to the classical gods, and by bias, I mean that Athena was, hands down, the most awesome of any of the Greek deities, bar none. She fights, she weaves, she turns people invisible, she inspires them to say the right things, she wears beautiful sandals on her beautiful feet which are apparently so awesome Homer can't stop talking about them, she's not in this movie, although she's listed in the credits.
I'm just saying. Which means it's time for snark.
Voiceover ASSURES us that in ancient times GODS and MONSTERS ruled. But now, it's all LITERALLY going to hell, which would be MORE TERRIFYING if this weren't said in a SOOTHING BRITISH ACCENT.
Perseus: Hi! I'm Perseus. And this is my expression. I'm introducing it to you since it's pretty much the ONLY EXPRESSION I will use THROUGHOUT the film, whatever the occasion. This would have been a liability if the film ACTUALLY CARED about what happens to me, but since it doesn't, we're all good. I shall never, ever, abandon my son! Well, at least not for the first fifteen minutes of the film.
Helius: Hi! I'm Perseus' not-really-all-that-adorable adorable son. In the absence of any type of character development, I'm here to provide Perseus a bit of character motivation and give the audience SOMETHING to care about. This would WORK BETTER if I were ON SCREEN MORE.
Perseus: To add to the pathos, I shall KNEEL at the suspiciously-CHRISTIAN LOOKING gravestone of my wife, although this does not resemble ANY of the burial rituals of the Near East of the period we are supposedly in. Helius, ignore the OMINOUS THUNDER and just accept that worshiping gods is a BAD IDEA. Besides, there's more to life than religion. Like, books! Wait. What time period are we in again?
Zeus: We are in the END OF TIME! Calamity is coming! All because you are REFUSING to WORSHIP US, so we are LOSING OUR POWER. Enough tedious digressing! We're desperate enough that we EVEN NEED YOU. Come with us!
Perseus: You're touching me.
Zeus: Being half-human makes you stronger, not weaker!
Perseus: Like, go away already.
Perseus has a dream which I initially TOOK TO BE A PREDICTION OF THE FUTURE, but which according to the END CREDITS, was actually SOME SORT OF FLASHBACK, which just goes to show that FILM EDITING is important. Meanwhile, in the FAKE REALITY of the FILM, CGI makes rocks crumble down down down into the chasms of a computer screen, er, the earth.
Poseidon: Hi. I'm here for the paycheck.
Ares: Hi. I'm here to be evil, and make snarky comments!
Zeus: Meanwhile, allow me to TELL the audience that we are in Tartarus, because otherwise NO ONE will be able to tell. Hi, Hades! How's it going?
Hades: Working on my Christopher Lee impression. You like?
Zeus: No.
Hades: Well, I'm hurt. Plus we have all of these YEARS of betrayal between us, and nothing has happened in this film so far except for BAD ACTING. ATTACK!
Ares HITS Zeus.
Ares, sniveling: You should have LOVED me more! And laughed at my jokes!
Zeus: To be fair, no one, even a god, could do the second.
Fake demons FLY out of the earth, polluting EVERYTHING in their path through this nice pre-industrial earth with smoke trails that look SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE fake ROCKET TRAILS. A dragon thingy CRASHES into the CAREFULLY RECONSTRUCTED primitive village.
Perseus: Hmm. I could just grab my sword, or waste valuable FIGHTING time wondering if he can really, really PICK UP HIS SWORD AGAIN and DESTROY THE PEACEFUL LIFE of his son which has kinda ALREADY BEEN SHATTERED BY THE DRAGON THINGY.
Villager: Er, will my SCREAMS help you decide a bit FASTER?
Camera PANS across the BURNING VILLAGE, incidentally catching glimpse of a villager who is by all appearances WEARING A HAWAIIAN T-SHIRT. [I verified this with other viewers, though I suspect this error is going to get wiped from the DVD.] Other SLIGHTLY BETTER COSTUMED extras RUN AND RUN. Time SLOWS to show us something important is going on. It is - it is - VIOLENCE! Time for a 3D effect!
Perseus: Oh, just BURN ME NOW, dragon thingy!
Dragon thingy: Tempting. But we're only 15 minutes into this, and as difficult as it is to believe, you're the star. So I shall just bathe the area with CGI fire and DIE.
Midwife: Oh, Perseus. When will you learn? If you have power, you also have responsibility! Wait. I think I have that quote SLIGHTLY WRONG.
Helius: Here, oh my heroic father. Take my carefully carved wooden sword with you in a not at all foreshadowing moment, I swear!
Camera swoops around to show us a temple ALREADY IN RUINS even though this is supposedly PRE CHRISITAN TIMES. Poseidon STAGGERS out.
Poseidon: I have good news, and bad news. The good news, my agent is letting me out of this film. The bad news is, your father has been captured. The really bad news is, you're our only hope.
Me: What about the goddesses?
Poseidon: Except this son that I think I have. Here, take this trident to him so you can take it from him later in a scene that won't make much sense but will keep some computer programmers employed.
Ares: Time for me to deal with our dysfunctional family through torture!
Hades: See, Zeus? It's quite simple. Give our father your power and then TIME SHALL GO FREE!
Zeus:...you do realize that our father Cronus is not the same as father Time Chronos?
Ares: Who cares? Certainly not the script.
Me: WHERE ARE THE GODDESSES?
S, to annoy me: At home, where they belong!
Portions of the film are MISSED in the resulting TUSSLE. When we return, Pegasus, having forgotten that he technically belongs to a DIFFERENT MYTH, is flying down to see Perseus.
Perseus: Although I earlier promised to NEVER leave you, my son, a decision that resulted in the imprisonment of my father and the potential END OF THE WORLD, I shall now - leave you. Clutching your little wooden sword in a manner that is not at all disturbing. Ok, it's a little disturbing.
Pegasus and Perseus fly to a VERY LARGE ARMY, commanded by Andromeda. Andromeda and Perseus exchange cute looks.
Pegasus: I'll just, you know, fly off now, until I'm needed for a later special effects shot. Hopefully my wings will look less fake in that one.
Andromeda: What's your strategy?
Perseus: First, I'd say we all try to lose the outrageous accent. You were in Pride and Prejudice. How did you sink to this?
Andromeda: The outrageous accent is my inevitable response to the script. Seriously, do you have a plan?
Perseus: I have to free one of your prisoners.
Andromeda: Well, since it's you. Sure.
Aginor: Hi! You may remember me from classical mythology as the son of Poseidon and father and grandfather of heroes, the founder of Sidon and other cities, and the possible inventor of the Phoenician language. Here, I am the Amusing Sidekick who Likes Maps. Perseus, one look at you and I sense trouble. And that you're getting a larger paycheck in this film. Go to hell.
Perseus: Fortunately for you, that's exactly where I'm going. Listen! The ocean is talking!
Aginor: Well, if admitting that gets me out of here, let's go! Which is where, exactly?
Aginor, Perseus, Andromeda, Korinna and various EXTRAS preparing to be CANNON FIRE WALK to an EXCEEDINGLY FAKE LOOKING ancient port filled with CGI boats.
Perseus: Andromeda, you can't come. Not because it's sexist, but because - because - Greece can't be without a queen!
Andromeda: Yes, but if I don't come, this film's apparent sexism will get EVEN WORSE.
Korinna: I have no dialogue yet, so just assume I'm here for the eye candy.
Our semi-heroes TAKE a boat out to the ocean so that they can look for Hephaestus, even though Homer has assured us that the great god of the forge was mostly LAND based. Aginor SWIRLS the trident ROUND AND ROUND in some VERY BADLY EDITED special effects, bringing the ship to an OTHERWISE UNKNOWN ISLAND.
Perseus: And now, to stalk towards Hephaestus, through fallen, howling trees, bringing along convenient extras as cannon fodder. Also, Korinna, who can only be here because howling trees provide a great place for her to show off her abs. Listen! I know it's your custom, but no one pray to Ares! No one!
Me: RIGHT! You can PRAY TO ATHENA instead, and get her into this movie!
Perseus: It will bring him power and bring us to the end of this film too quickly!
Me: Go Athena!
Meanwhile, as the COMIC RELIEF, Aginor soon finds himself CAUGHT IN A TRAP and swinging back and forth. Things go THUMP THUMP. Not content to be RIPPING OFF CHRISTOPHER LEE, thanks to POOR CGI, film TEMPORARILY ALSO RIPS OFF ENTS, before we REALIZE that these are actually meant to be CYCLOPSES, not WALKING TREES. Confusing VIOLENCE follows, CRUSHING INNOCENT TREES EVERYWHERE, in a very UNENTLIKE way, which IS TOO a word, Microsoft. Various extras die.
Korenna: Time for my first line of dialogue! Did everyone like it? Did it establish my personality? Mother?
Elsewhere, Zeus is STILL BEING TORTURED by BAD DIALOGUE and CHRISTOPHER LEE impressions.
Hades: Must we continue this? Plus, I'm not getting any decent lines. To prove this, I shall now shout, "YOUR WEAKNESS IS YOUR BLIND HATRED!" Look, Ares. The computer has set Zeus on fire. What other proof do you need that we're winning!
Hephaestus: Hi! I'm a brilliant inventor, and also, just slightly insane. You can tell because I am TALKING to a CLOCKWORK OWL. On the other hand, mostly since I'm played by Bill Nighy, I'm the first hands down entertaining part of the film, so let's have the camera linger on me while I repeat lines from the first film. "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" I'm very sad.
Andromeda: Now would be a good time to justify my presence in this film by telling you all the good, cheerful things about humans, since clearly our main hero and our comic relief are INCAPABLE of doing so.
Hephaestus: Ah, you remind me of my ex-wife. Oddly, this is a happy memory, except for reminding me that no goddesses are appearing in this film. I designed and built Tartarus. I can give you a tour.
Film: Whoops! We almost PROGRESSED the plot there. Time for a quick delay with another nice TORTURE SCENE!
Hades: When gods die, it's just OBLIVION! Those lucky humans get to go elsewhere, like HERE!
Zeus MOANS.
In a scene that MAY not be as suggestive as the film INTENDS, the entrance to HELL turns out to be in TUNISIA. YAY. Hephaestus, Andromeda, Perseus, Aginor walk UP TO IT, followed, mostly inexplicably, by Karinna. Luckily, the DOOR to TARTARUS is CLEARLY MARKED with a MAGICAL LOOK. Hephaestus works on OPENING the DOOR, as ARES arrives.
Karinna: Yes! Finally, my second line of dialogue! ARES, I HAVE ALWAYS WORSHIPPED YOU! I WORSHIP YOU NOW! Admittedly, this LITTLE ACT OF TREASON would have MORE MEANING if anyone knew why I was here or if I'd been given ANY DIALOGUE before this, although it is still KINDA SURPRISING that after eliminating the goddesses from the film, the
Ares: That's nice.
Ares KILLS KARINNA.
Me: See, THIS is why you should have been worshipping ATHENA.
Audience: Gee, who could have guessed that the woman with no reason to be there would turn out to be a traitor, especially in a film which has already left out every single goddess of ancient Greece?
To distract us from all the sexism, violence BREAKS OUT EVERYWHERE as Hephaestus tries to HOLD THE DOOR TO TARTURUS open in what he assures us will be his LAST GODLIKE ACTION, although it is not VERY GODLIKE. Aginor, Perseus and Andromeda fall through the door and INTO HELL, which turns out, as we always suspected, to be FORMED FROM COMPUTER GRAPHICS.
Andromeda: I must mourn my friend the traitor! And give her a name so that the audience will FEEL MY PAIN.
Perseus: This sucks.
Aginor: Oh, I don't know. A couple days ago, I was in jail. Now, I'm here in hell. In a labyrinth of a million possibilities, the last thing you want to hear: follow me.
Everyone FOLLOWS Aginor who is using some sort of COMPLICATED map to lead them THROUGH TARTARUS. This TAKES A LONG TIME, mostly because the DIRECTORS SEEM ENTHRALLED with the computer graphics, which feature walls shifting and floors shifting and walls shifting.
Perseus: AUUGH.
Audience: For once, we sympathize.
Ghosts of Karinna and Helius: We'll just float around in the background, to, well, offer something besides shifting walls for you to look at.
Perseus: Wait. Helius, you're dead? Did I miss something? With this script, it's hard to tell. No, I take that back. With this script, we've been patiently explaining to the audience what's happening EACH AND EVERY STEP of the way, and NOBODY EXPLAINED YOUR DEATH. So! You're a trick! Let me fight what I think is a Minotaur first though, since these walls have made us go a solid ten minutes WITHOUT MUCH HAPPENING and a MINOTAUR will at least DO SOMETHING.
Andromeda and Aginor: Perseus! What's happened?
Perseus: I'd answer that, but no need to torture the audience again.
Triumphant music ASSURES US that WHATEVER we are thinking, some ACTION is coming AT LAST as WALLS collapse and WE SEE ZEUS ALL ON COMPUTER FIRE and MOSTLY DEAD.
Perseus: Fun though that was, I don't want anyone too excited. Let me slow down the plot again with some tedious dialogue.
Cronus WAKES UP. Perseus, rather than PAYING ATTENTION to this IMPORTANT THING, begs Zeus to OPEN HIS EYES.
Zeus: Use your inner power, Perseus! Inner power! You've seen enough Star Wars to know what I mean.
Andromeda: I'll just, you know, stand here while suggesting everyone else hurry. That should be helpful.
Magma FLIES everywhere, oddly not burning ANYTHING UP except for MY EYES. Ares, FORGETTING WHICH SIDE HE'S ON, ATTACKS Hades, and then, in a scene without the intended emotional impact, PICKS UP the WOODEN SWORD carved by the little kid several CGIed scenes back. Violence erupts until for no particular reason EVERYONE IS BACK ON THE SURFACE.
Zeus: Cronus is coming. I can't stop him! You have to!
Perseus: I can only do so by assembling a mythical spear of the three weapons of the gods: Hades' thingy, Poseidon's trident, and Zeus' thunderbolt. We have two of them. Alas, the THUNDERBOLT is on Ares' back!
Audience: Huh?
Perseus: That's why I have these little exposition scenes, to EXPLAIN what the FILM EDITORS CUT OUT. Anyway, it's the best excuse we have for a final showdown between me and Ares.
Audience: But isn't Cronus the major threat?
Perseus: I've lost track. And now, having yelled at everyone else for praying to Ares, I shall, well, pray to Ares so he'll meet me at a ruined temple and try to kill me. Something seems wrong with my theology.
Aginor: Meanwhile, I shall try to be useful by fireproofing everyone, although since we are going to be fighting CGI magma that only seems to BURN DRAGON THINGIES, it's not quite clear why I'm bothering.
Mountain goes BOOM. Extras LOOK WORRIED, probably because they have NO IDEA what the FIREPROOFING GREY STUFF might be DOING TO THEIR SKIN.
Andromeda: For the sake of the many audience members who have lost track of what we're fighting, I'll engage in a bit of exposition here.
Battle ERUPTS, making it clear that NONE of the people involved in the making of this film have EVER READ THUCYDIDES. Meanwhile, UP AT THE RUINED TEMPLE, Ares shows up with Helius, the cute kid from earlier in the film, in tow.
Perseus: Don't hurt him!
Ares: Oh, I'm not going to hurt him. Just kill you in front of him.
Perseus: Technically, I think that counts as "hurt."
Ares: Oh, enough philosophy. Let's fight!
Perseus and Ares FIGHT as Helius BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS, watching, probably out of DISTRESS at WHAT THIS IS DOING TO THEIR FUTURE CAREERS. Meanwhile, not in a ruined temple, little CGI people fight little CGI monsters and CGI magma in something that is less enthralling than it sounds. Ares hits Perseus some more.
Hades: Ok, I can see that this is never going to end if I don't do SOMETHING. Zeus! Let me remove the power of Cronus and REMOVE the EFFECTS of TIME from you! Just a note, though - this is a one time only thing.
Zeus: Well, it beats lying here not doing anything. Wanna go fight Daddy again?
Hades: Who am I to go against the dysfunctional family relationships of the script?
Helius FINALLY stops crying and PICKS up a weapon.
Perseus: And NOW that Ares is distracted by that bit, I shall take up my son's wooden sword, and justify the camera's attention on it for all this time by KILLING ARES WITH IT. Ah, family.
Perseus GRABS the thunderbolt and forms the SPEAR THINGY as the volcano CONTINUES TO ERUPT AND ERUPT. Pegasus, recognizing that the script NEEDS HIM AGAIN, reappears, allowing Perseus to CLIMB on the flying horse and FLY STRAIGHT at the VOLANO thingy which I forgot to mention is ACTUALLY Cronus. Cronus MUTTERS volcanic sorta things as Zeus and Hades MOVE CGI EFFECTS around. In a moment SURPRISINGLY LOW ON DRAMA, Perseus KILLS the Cronus Volcano thingy. Extras CHEER as the audience EATS POPCORN. In an odd scene that suggests a later script change, we see something that LOOKS LIKE Aginor CARRYING Perseus out of the dust of the collapsing volcano, except it turns out that Aginor is just CARRYING AN EXTRA.
Zeus: Perseus, your boy gave you strength! As did mine! Well, technically my boy started the series of events which ended up killing me, but let's not quibble. The gods are dead. Well, except Hades. And possibly the goddesses, although since none of them were in this film, we can't be sure. So, you know, use that inner power wisely and all that.
Hades: My power is all spent. I'm just a major disappointment all around, aren't I?
Perseus KISSES Andromeda to SHUT HER UP.
Helius: Ok, so, can we go home now?
Perseus: Apart from the small problem that home is still ALL BURNT UP, no. But you can have this sword.
Helius: It's heavy.
Perseus: Well, something in the film had to be.
I'm just saying. Which means it's time for snark.
Voiceover ASSURES us that in ancient times GODS and MONSTERS ruled. But now, it's all LITERALLY going to hell, which would be MORE TERRIFYING if this weren't said in a SOOTHING BRITISH ACCENT.
Perseus: Hi! I'm Perseus. And this is my expression. I'm introducing it to you since it's pretty much the ONLY EXPRESSION I will use THROUGHOUT the film, whatever the occasion. This would have been a liability if the film ACTUALLY CARED about what happens to me, but since it doesn't, we're all good. I shall never, ever, abandon my son! Well, at least not for the first fifteen minutes of the film.
Helius: Hi! I'm Perseus' not-really-all-that-adorable adorable son. In the absence of any type of character development, I'm here to provide Perseus a bit of character motivation and give the audience SOMETHING to care about. This would WORK BETTER if I were ON SCREEN MORE.
Perseus: To add to the pathos, I shall KNEEL at the suspiciously-CHRISTIAN LOOKING gravestone of my wife, although this does not resemble ANY of the burial rituals of the Near East of the period we are supposedly in. Helius, ignore the OMINOUS THUNDER and just accept that worshiping gods is a BAD IDEA. Besides, there's more to life than religion. Like, books! Wait. What time period are we in again?
Zeus: We are in the END OF TIME! Calamity is coming! All because you are REFUSING to WORSHIP US, so we are LOSING OUR POWER. Enough tedious digressing! We're desperate enough that we EVEN NEED YOU. Come with us!
Perseus: You're touching me.
Zeus: Being half-human makes you stronger, not weaker!
Perseus: Like, go away already.
Perseus has a dream which I initially TOOK TO BE A PREDICTION OF THE FUTURE, but which according to the END CREDITS, was actually SOME SORT OF FLASHBACK, which just goes to show that FILM EDITING is important. Meanwhile, in the FAKE REALITY of the FILM, CGI makes rocks crumble down down down into the chasms of a computer screen, er, the earth.
Poseidon: Hi. I'm here for the paycheck.
Ares: Hi. I'm here to be evil, and make snarky comments!
Zeus: Meanwhile, allow me to TELL the audience that we are in Tartarus, because otherwise NO ONE will be able to tell. Hi, Hades! How's it going?
Hades: Working on my Christopher Lee impression. You like?
Zeus: No.
Hades: Well, I'm hurt. Plus we have all of these YEARS of betrayal between us, and nothing has happened in this film so far except for BAD ACTING. ATTACK!
Ares HITS Zeus.
Ares, sniveling: You should have LOVED me more! And laughed at my jokes!
Zeus: To be fair, no one, even a god, could do the second.
Fake demons FLY out of the earth, polluting EVERYTHING in their path through this nice pre-industrial earth with smoke trails that look SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE fake ROCKET TRAILS. A dragon thingy CRASHES into the CAREFULLY RECONSTRUCTED primitive village.
Perseus: Hmm. I could just grab my sword, or waste valuable FIGHTING time wondering if he can really, really PICK UP HIS SWORD AGAIN and DESTROY THE PEACEFUL LIFE of his son which has kinda ALREADY BEEN SHATTERED BY THE DRAGON THINGY.
Villager: Er, will my SCREAMS help you decide a bit FASTER?
Camera PANS across the BURNING VILLAGE, incidentally catching glimpse of a villager who is by all appearances WEARING A HAWAIIAN T-SHIRT. [I verified this with other viewers, though I suspect this error is going to get wiped from the DVD.] Other SLIGHTLY BETTER COSTUMED extras RUN AND RUN. Time SLOWS to show us something important is going on. It is - it is - VIOLENCE! Time for a 3D effect!
Perseus: Oh, just BURN ME NOW, dragon thingy!
Dragon thingy: Tempting. But we're only 15 minutes into this, and as difficult as it is to believe, you're the star. So I shall just bathe the area with CGI fire and DIE.
Midwife: Oh, Perseus. When will you learn? If you have power, you also have responsibility! Wait. I think I have that quote SLIGHTLY WRONG.
Helius: Here, oh my heroic father. Take my carefully carved wooden sword with you in a not at all foreshadowing moment, I swear!
Camera swoops around to show us a temple ALREADY IN RUINS even though this is supposedly PRE CHRISITAN TIMES. Poseidon STAGGERS out.
Poseidon: I have good news, and bad news. The good news, my agent is letting me out of this film. The bad news is, your father has been captured. The really bad news is, you're our only hope.
Me: What about the goddesses?
Poseidon: Except this son that I think I have. Here, take this trident to him so you can take it from him later in a scene that won't make much sense but will keep some computer programmers employed.
Ares: Time for me to deal with our dysfunctional family through torture!
Hades: See, Zeus? It's quite simple. Give our father your power and then TIME SHALL GO FREE!
Zeus:...you do realize that our father Cronus is not the same as father Time Chronos?
Ares: Who cares? Certainly not the script.
Me: WHERE ARE THE GODDESSES?
S, to annoy me: At home, where they belong!
Portions of the film are MISSED in the resulting TUSSLE. When we return, Pegasus, having forgotten that he technically belongs to a DIFFERENT MYTH, is flying down to see Perseus.
Perseus: Although I earlier promised to NEVER leave you, my son, a decision that resulted in the imprisonment of my father and the potential END OF THE WORLD, I shall now - leave you. Clutching your little wooden sword in a manner that is not at all disturbing. Ok, it's a little disturbing.
Pegasus and Perseus fly to a VERY LARGE ARMY, commanded by Andromeda. Andromeda and Perseus exchange cute looks.
Pegasus: I'll just, you know, fly off now, until I'm needed for a later special effects shot. Hopefully my wings will look less fake in that one.
Andromeda: What's your strategy?
Perseus: First, I'd say we all try to lose the outrageous accent. You were in Pride and Prejudice. How did you sink to this?
Andromeda: The outrageous accent is my inevitable response to the script. Seriously, do you have a plan?
Perseus: I have to free one of your prisoners.
Andromeda: Well, since it's you. Sure.
Aginor: Hi! You may remember me from classical mythology as the son of Poseidon and father and grandfather of heroes, the founder of Sidon and other cities, and the possible inventor of the Phoenician language. Here, I am the Amusing Sidekick who Likes Maps. Perseus, one look at you and I sense trouble. And that you're getting a larger paycheck in this film. Go to hell.
Perseus: Fortunately for you, that's exactly where I'm going. Listen! The ocean is talking!
Aginor: Well, if admitting that gets me out of here, let's go! Which is where, exactly?
Aginor, Perseus, Andromeda, Korinna and various EXTRAS preparing to be CANNON FIRE WALK to an EXCEEDINGLY FAKE LOOKING ancient port filled with CGI boats.
Perseus: Andromeda, you can't come. Not because it's sexist, but because - because - Greece can't be without a queen!
Andromeda: Yes, but if I don't come, this film's apparent sexism will get EVEN WORSE.
Korinna: I have no dialogue yet, so just assume I'm here for the eye candy.
Our semi-heroes TAKE a boat out to the ocean so that they can look for Hephaestus, even though Homer has assured us that the great god of the forge was mostly LAND based. Aginor SWIRLS the trident ROUND AND ROUND in some VERY BADLY EDITED special effects, bringing the ship to an OTHERWISE UNKNOWN ISLAND.
Perseus: And now, to stalk towards Hephaestus, through fallen, howling trees, bringing along convenient extras as cannon fodder. Also, Korinna, who can only be here because howling trees provide a great place for her to show off her abs. Listen! I know it's your custom, but no one pray to Ares! No one!
Me: RIGHT! You can PRAY TO ATHENA instead, and get her into this movie!
Perseus: It will bring him power and bring us to the end of this film too quickly!
Me: Go Athena!
Meanwhile, as the COMIC RELIEF, Aginor soon finds himself CAUGHT IN A TRAP and swinging back and forth. Things go THUMP THUMP. Not content to be RIPPING OFF CHRISTOPHER LEE, thanks to POOR CGI, film TEMPORARILY ALSO RIPS OFF ENTS, before we REALIZE that these are actually meant to be CYCLOPSES, not WALKING TREES. Confusing VIOLENCE follows, CRUSHING INNOCENT TREES EVERYWHERE, in a very UNENTLIKE way, which IS TOO a word, Microsoft. Various extras die.
Korenna: Time for my first line of dialogue! Did everyone like it? Did it establish my personality? Mother?
Elsewhere, Zeus is STILL BEING TORTURED by BAD DIALOGUE and CHRISTOPHER LEE impressions.
Hades: Must we continue this? Plus, I'm not getting any decent lines. To prove this, I shall now shout, "YOUR WEAKNESS IS YOUR BLIND HATRED!" Look, Ares. The computer has set Zeus on fire. What other proof do you need that we're winning!
Hephaestus: Hi! I'm a brilliant inventor, and also, just slightly insane. You can tell because I am TALKING to a CLOCKWORK OWL. On the other hand, mostly since I'm played by Bill Nighy, I'm the first hands down entertaining part of the film, so let's have the camera linger on me while I repeat lines from the first film. "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" I'm very sad.
Andromeda: Now would be a good time to justify my presence in this film by telling you all the good, cheerful things about humans, since clearly our main hero and our comic relief are INCAPABLE of doing so.
Hephaestus: Ah, you remind me of my ex-wife. Oddly, this is a happy memory, except for reminding me that no goddesses are appearing in this film. I designed and built Tartarus. I can give you a tour.
Film: Whoops! We almost PROGRESSED the plot there. Time for a quick delay with another nice TORTURE SCENE!
Hades: When gods die, it's just OBLIVION! Those lucky humans get to go elsewhere, like HERE!
Zeus MOANS.
In a scene that MAY not be as suggestive as the film INTENDS, the entrance to HELL turns out to be in TUNISIA. YAY. Hephaestus, Andromeda, Perseus, Aginor walk UP TO IT, followed, mostly inexplicably, by Karinna. Luckily, the DOOR to TARTARUS is CLEARLY MARKED with a MAGICAL LOOK. Hephaestus works on OPENING the DOOR, as ARES arrives.
Karinna: Yes! Finally, my second line of dialogue! ARES, I HAVE ALWAYS WORSHIPPED YOU! I WORSHIP YOU NOW! Admittedly, this LITTLE ACT OF TREASON would have MORE MEANING if anyone knew why I was here or if I'd been given ANY DIALOGUE before this, although it is still KINDA SURPRISING that after eliminating the goddesses from the film, the
Ares: That's nice.
Ares KILLS KARINNA.
Me: See, THIS is why you should have been worshipping ATHENA.
Audience: Gee, who could have guessed that the woman with no reason to be there would turn out to be a traitor, especially in a film which has already left out every single goddess of ancient Greece?
To distract us from all the sexism, violence BREAKS OUT EVERYWHERE as Hephaestus tries to HOLD THE DOOR TO TARTURUS open in what he assures us will be his LAST GODLIKE ACTION, although it is not VERY GODLIKE. Aginor, Perseus and Andromeda fall through the door and INTO HELL, which turns out, as we always suspected, to be FORMED FROM COMPUTER GRAPHICS.
Andromeda: I must mourn my friend the traitor! And give her a name so that the audience will FEEL MY PAIN.
Perseus: This sucks.
Aginor: Oh, I don't know. A couple days ago, I was in jail. Now, I'm here in hell. In a labyrinth of a million possibilities, the last thing you want to hear: follow me.
Everyone FOLLOWS Aginor who is using some sort of COMPLICATED map to lead them THROUGH TARTARUS. This TAKES A LONG TIME, mostly because the DIRECTORS SEEM ENTHRALLED with the computer graphics, which feature walls shifting and floors shifting and walls shifting.
Perseus: AUUGH.
Audience: For once, we sympathize.
Ghosts of Karinna and Helius: We'll just float around in the background, to, well, offer something besides shifting walls for you to look at.
Perseus: Wait. Helius, you're dead? Did I miss something? With this script, it's hard to tell. No, I take that back. With this script, we've been patiently explaining to the audience what's happening EACH AND EVERY STEP of the way, and NOBODY EXPLAINED YOUR DEATH. So! You're a trick! Let me fight what I think is a Minotaur first though, since these walls have made us go a solid ten minutes WITHOUT MUCH HAPPENING and a MINOTAUR will at least DO SOMETHING.
Andromeda and Aginor: Perseus! What's happened?
Perseus: I'd answer that, but no need to torture the audience again.
Triumphant music ASSURES US that WHATEVER we are thinking, some ACTION is coming AT LAST as WALLS collapse and WE SEE ZEUS ALL ON COMPUTER FIRE and MOSTLY DEAD.
Perseus: Fun though that was, I don't want anyone too excited. Let me slow down the plot again with some tedious dialogue.
Cronus WAKES UP. Perseus, rather than PAYING ATTENTION to this IMPORTANT THING, begs Zeus to OPEN HIS EYES.
Zeus: Use your inner power, Perseus! Inner power! You've seen enough Star Wars to know what I mean.
Andromeda: I'll just, you know, stand here while suggesting everyone else hurry. That should be helpful.
Magma FLIES everywhere, oddly not burning ANYTHING UP except for MY EYES. Ares, FORGETTING WHICH SIDE HE'S ON, ATTACKS Hades, and then, in a scene without the intended emotional impact, PICKS UP the WOODEN SWORD carved by the little kid several CGIed scenes back. Violence erupts until for no particular reason EVERYONE IS BACK ON THE SURFACE.
Zeus: Cronus is coming. I can't stop him! You have to!
Perseus: I can only do so by assembling a mythical spear of the three weapons of the gods: Hades' thingy, Poseidon's trident, and Zeus' thunderbolt. We have two of them. Alas, the THUNDERBOLT is on Ares' back!
Audience: Huh?
Perseus: That's why I have these little exposition scenes, to EXPLAIN what the FILM EDITORS CUT OUT. Anyway, it's the best excuse we have for a final showdown between me and Ares.
Audience: But isn't Cronus the major threat?
Perseus: I've lost track. And now, having yelled at everyone else for praying to Ares, I shall, well, pray to Ares so he'll meet me at a ruined temple and try to kill me. Something seems wrong with my theology.
Aginor: Meanwhile, I shall try to be useful by fireproofing everyone, although since we are going to be fighting CGI magma that only seems to BURN DRAGON THINGIES, it's not quite clear why I'm bothering.
Mountain goes BOOM. Extras LOOK WORRIED, probably because they have NO IDEA what the FIREPROOFING GREY STUFF might be DOING TO THEIR SKIN.
Andromeda: For the sake of the many audience members who have lost track of what we're fighting, I'll engage in a bit of exposition here.
Battle ERUPTS, making it clear that NONE of the people involved in the making of this film have EVER READ THUCYDIDES. Meanwhile, UP AT THE RUINED TEMPLE, Ares shows up with Helius, the cute kid from earlier in the film, in tow.
Perseus: Don't hurt him!
Ares: Oh, I'm not going to hurt him. Just kill you in front of him.
Perseus: Technically, I think that counts as "hurt."
Ares: Oh, enough philosophy. Let's fight!
Perseus and Ares FIGHT as Helius BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS, watching, probably out of DISTRESS at WHAT THIS IS DOING TO THEIR FUTURE CAREERS. Meanwhile, not in a ruined temple, little CGI people fight little CGI monsters and CGI magma in something that is less enthralling than it sounds. Ares hits Perseus some more.
Hades: Ok, I can see that this is never going to end if I don't do SOMETHING. Zeus! Let me remove the power of Cronus and REMOVE the EFFECTS of TIME from you! Just a note, though - this is a one time only thing.
Zeus: Well, it beats lying here not doing anything. Wanna go fight Daddy again?
Hades: Who am I to go against the dysfunctional family relationships of the script?
Helius FINALLY stops crying and PICKS up a weapon.
Perseus: And NOW that Ares is distracted by that bit, I shall take up my son's wooden sword, and justify the camera's attention on it for all this time by KILLING ARES WITH IT. Ah, family.
Perseus GRABS the thunderbolt and forms the SPEAR THINGY as the volcano CONTINUES TO ERUPT AND ERUPT. Pegasus, recognizing that the script NEEDS HIM AGAIN, reappears, allowing Perseus to CLIMB on the flying horse and FLY STRAIGHT at the VOLANO thingy which I forgot to mention is ACTUALLY Cronus. Cronus MUTTERS volcanic sorta things as Zeus and Hades MOVE CGI EFFECTS around. In a moment SURPRISINGLY LOW ON DRAMA, Perseus KILLS the Cronus Volcano thingy. Extras CHEER as the audience EATS POPCORN. In an odd scene that suggests a later script change, we see something that LOOKS LIKE Aginor CARRYING Perseus out of the dust of the collapsing volcano, except it turns out that Aginor is just CARRYING AN EXTRA.
Zeus: Perseus, your boy gave you strength! As did mine! Well, technically my boy started the series of events which ended up killing me, but let's not quibble. The gods are dead. Well, except Hades. And possibly the goddesses, although since none of them were in this film, we can't be sure. So, you know, use that inner power wisely and all that.
Hades: My power is all spent. I'm just a major disappointment all around, aren't I?
Perseus KISSES Andromeda to SHUT HER UP.
Helius: Ok, so, can we go home now?
Perseus: Apart from the small problem that home is still ALL BURNT UP, no. But you can have this sword.
Helius: It's heavy.
Perseus: Well, something in the film had to be.