The Three Musketeers (2011)

[mariness]

Oh, this movie was so gloriously, gloriously, terrible.

But before I get into the snark, first, a disclaimer: about midway through the movie, the theatre, for whatever reason, decided to turn on the heat, making me a bit dizzy and forcing me to pause and pull off my sweater, causing me to miss some of the Star Trek moments

Comments

[zoethe]

What kind of twisted creature am I that I now want to see it even more?

[mariness]

Just be prepared to deal with the sexism, the bad hats, and a desire to kill D'Artagnan and you should be fine.

[zoethe]

I knew I'd want to kill D'Artagnan from the trailers.

[mariness]

This is almost certainly the worst D'Artagnan ever on screen.

[mariness]

Meant to add: S and I agreed that actually, if you just recast D'Artagnan and asked Orlando Bloom to tone it down a little, this would have been a watchable film. Not great, but watchable.

But D'Artagnan is SO terrible that he makes portions unwatchable, and our audience was groaning out loud and leaving early during his scenes. I genuinely do not understand why he wasn't recast -- he has no idea how to work with the other actors; it's clear from the way he's holding the sword that it isn't a sword and has no real weight (even for a foil), he has no idea how to deliver a single line, and so on. I mean just godawful, even apart from the accent.

[zoethe]

I think he was in the movie to be the teen heartthrob. By people who had no idea what they were doing.

[mariness]

But he's not even good looking!

[zoethe]

Neither is Robert Pattinson, but that didn't stop them.