Have you ever been afraid?
Afraid to go to sleep because you're afraid of what you might dream about?
I don't usually dream, but when I do, it comes in waves... Like I will dream for days, weeks, or sometimes months at a time. So when this starts, I know I will dream... like, on friday night I had two bad dreams, not like knightmares... but just dreams that really grab a hold of me. I had one of my ex-boyfriend, and then I had one of Berek (berek was my best friend in high school, he killed himself the morning after my 21st birthday...it honestly traumatized me). Soon after Berek killed himself, I started having dreams about him. About how I would see him on the street, but for some reason I couldn't get to him, and another where he was like in a coma and I was just trying to wake him up... Well, on friday, I finally reached him, he were hanging out, I was standing next to him, touching him... oh, I miss him so so so much...
I loved him, I would've done anything for him...
This was the boy who pulled Chris off of me when he was choking me, this was the guy I would spend hours and hours on end with. We drank together, we smoked weed together, we listened to music. And sang annoyingly in front of everyone, in the back of the band bus, in his car, no one understood our connection... I used to cry when I couldn't see him because I lived in albuquerque and he lived in raton, and now I will never see him again... this was the guy who won me a unicorn at the state fair... on valentines day I was called to the office and was handed a big teddy bear with the movie "shrek" and on the tag it read, To:Maria, From: Berek (He remembered that just a couple of months before, we stood there in the santa fe mall, as I contemplated buying that movie, but I didn't), that same day we walked by an ancor blue and he bought me a men's sweater that I still wear when I get cold... I would run to him and he would take me in his arms and just give me the biggest bestest bear hugs Evar!! I cried on his shoulder countless times when my heart hurt... We would always share a full order of green chili cheese fries w/garnish at hooter browns at 2 o'clock in the morning, drunk. and fight with our forks over the fry with the most sour cream. One night we had take out and he stole the whole box from me and marion and locked himself in a room over his dad's store. We fought for at least 5 minutes to open the door, and when we got in he had already ate it all... and a whole bucket of margaritas that we so despretly drank for 3 days when my parents were in hawaii (I still have film of one of those days)... Stealing street signs and making plans for the next big party the following weekend, sitting in my house with a select few, just bull shitting and drunken slurs (I have film of all of that too!) all the lies he tried to tell me about other boys because he secretly had a crush on me but I could always tell when he was lying cause he would start talking in almost a whisper while looking around with a guilty concious... I still remember sitting in the gym talking about prom when I turned to him and said, "you wanna go?" and he just looked up at me with a crooked smile while everyone let loose their "ooo's" and "ei ei's"....
But now, unfortunately, they are all just memories that have been made and we will never be able to make more, no more, it just stopped...
I just cry and cry, I can't stop it... I can't let it go... i'm just so honestly pissed off at him, how could he do that? His dad killed himself 2 weeks earlier. didn't he understand what everyone was going through? i understand that he was going through alot too, but what about his mom, his grandparents, his brother? WHY?
Here's a couple of pics for old times....
(I was so skinny in high school, I wish I was that small again)
I miss you, My Bear, I know you are watching over me, please don't stop... I love you
well anyways....
I don't want to dream tonight
I don't usually dream, but when I do, it comes in waves... Like I will dream for days, weeks, or sometimes months at a time. So when this starts, I know I will dream... like, on friday night I had two bad dreams, not like knightmares... but just dreams that really grab a hold of me. I had one of my ex-boyfriend, and then I had one of Berek (berek was my best friend in high school, he killed himself the morning after my 21st birthday...it honestly traumatized me). Soon after Berek killed himself, I started having dreams about him. About how I would see him on the street, but for some reason I couldn't get to him, and another where he was like in a coma and I was just trying to wake him up... Well, on friday, I finally reached him, he were hanging out, I was standing next to him, touching him... oh, I miss him so so so much...
I loved him, I would've done anything for him...
This was the boy who pulled Chris off of me when he was choking me, this was the guy I would spend hours and hours on end with. We drank together, we smoked weed together, we listened to music. And sang annoyingly in front of everyone, in the back of the band bus, in his car, no one understood our connection... I used to cry when I couldn't see him because I lived in albuquerque and he lived in raton, and now I will never see him again... this was the guy who won me a unicorn at the state fair... on valentines day I was called to the office and was handed a big teddy bear with the movie "shrek" and on the tag it read, To:Maria, From: Berek (He remembered that just a couple of months before, we stood there in the santa fe mall, as I contemplated buying that movie, but I didn't), that same day we walked by an ancor blue and he bought me a men's sweater that I still wear when I get cold... I would run to him and he would take me in his arms and just give me the biggest bestest bear hugs Evar!! I cried on his shoulder countless times when my heart hurt... We would always share a full order of green chili cheese fries w/garnish at hooter browns at 2 o'clock in the morning, drunk. and fight with our forks over the fry with the most sour cream. One night we had take out and he stole the whole box from me and marion and locked himself in a room over his dad's store. We fought for at least 5 minutes to open the door, and when we got in he had already ate it all... and a whole bucket of margaritas that we so despretly drank for 3 days when my parents were in hawaii (I still have film of one of those days)... Stealing street signs and making plans for the next big party the following weekend, sitting in my house with a select few, just bull shitting and drunken slurs (I have film of all of that too!) all the lies he tried to tell me about other boys because he secretly had a crush on me but I could always tell when he was lying cause he would start talking in almost a whisper while looking around with a guilty concious... I still remember sitting in the gym talking about prom when I turned to him and said, "you wanna go?" and he just looked up at me with a crooked smile while everyone let loose their "ooo's" and "ei ei's"....
But now, unfortunately, they are all just memories that have been made and we will never be able to make more, no more, it just stopped...
I just cry and cry, I can't stop it... I can't let it go... i'm just so honestly pissed off at him, how could he do that? His dad killed himself 2 weeks earlier. didn't he understand what everyone was going through? i understand that he was going through alot too, but what about his mom, his grandparents, his brother? WHY?
Here's a couple of pics for old times....
(I was so skinny in high school, I wish I was that small again)
I miss you, My Bear, I know you are watching over me, please don't stop... I love you
well anyways....
I don't want to dream tonight