(no subject)
I'm leaving tomorrow. 2 weeks back home, to Seattle. I miss it but right now I know I'm going to miss Maine more. I'm going to miss Roy more. I seriously for a moment did not want to go, I do not want to leave him, even though I know I'll be home in 14 days. This will be the longest we have been apart in 4 months, I believe the longest before now was 3 days. Big change, I know I'll cry when I leave, but I'll try hard not to do it in front of him. This will also be my first Christmas without my mom.
My mom set down the law, and if she smells smoke on me I'm grounded. Big whoop I'm just back to hiding it once more. I'll quit when I'm ready, and I don't want to. I want to smoke so I will smoke.
I fucked up really bad last night. I drank, beyond the point of retardation. I was so stupid. 5 straight shots of vodka. I knew Roy hates when I drink yet I did it anyways. My mother told me no, yet I did it anyways. I'm so fucking stupid. For the first time in 14 years I regret something. I actually regret drinking last night. I would take it all back if I could. I almost lost Roy last night, and I knew I would have deserved to be dumped. But the thought of what I could have lost hurts so badly. He is my prince charming, the one I am always suppose to be with. He is my true love, and I just basically threw a knife at my relationship, not thinking about if it would kill it or not. I need to start thinking. I need to start thinking. I never want to drink again, I saw how fucked up I was. I was puking, I was passing out I was so drunk. With how small I am and the medications I take. I could have died. Mood stabilizers make people twice as intoxicated. Last night I drank 5 shots, but my body got 10 shots. I'm 130lb and 5'3 or 5'4. My body can't handle that much.
Not only because of that reason do I never want to drink again, I don't want to drink because I can't stand the thought of how bad I hurt people. My mother hit me last night she was so upset. Me piss drunk and she hits me really hard to my shoulder. If I had been sober I would have walked out. I don't stand for people hitting me like that. But when I woke up all hung-over, I knew I deserved everything I was going to get. My situation is pretty good; I am in no real trouble. I just hurt a lot of people.
I can't even explain how bad I fucked up. Or how bad I'm beating myself up in my mind. I know it took Roy everything he had to give me this second chance. And he set down the bottom line; if I do it again I am gone. He said he would throw away his happily ever after with me, if I were going to do it again. He hates it when I drink, and I know that. I should have thought before I drank, if I had thought I wouldn't be in this situation.
I don't even want to think about that right now. I hate myself for it. But I am now fine, Roy is fine, so we are fine. We are trying to get threw me leaving tomorrow. I'm sneaking out the house in a little bit to go and hang out with him for a little loner.
I'll write while I'm gone and update this when I get back.
My mom set down the law, and if she smells smoke on me I'm grounded. Big whoop I'm just back to hiding it once more. I'll quit when I'm ready, and I don't want to. I want to smoke so I will smoke.
I fucked up really bad last night. I drank, beyond the point of retardation. I was so stupid. 5 straight shots of vodka. I knew Roy hates when I drink yet I did it anyways. My mother told me no, yet I did it anyways. I'm so fucking stupid. For the first time in 14 years I regret something. I actually regret drinking last night. I would take it all back if I could. I almost lost Roy last night, and I knew I would have deserved to be dumped. But the thought of what I could have lost hurts so badly. He is my prince charming, the one I am always suppose to be with. He is my true love, and I just basically threw a knife at my relationship, not thinking about if it would kill it or not. I need to start thinking. I need to start thinking. I never want to drink again, I saw how fucked up I was. I was puking, I was passing out I was so drunk. With how small I am and the medications I take. I could have died. Mood stabilizers make people twice as intoxicated. Last night I drank 5 shots, but my body got 10 shots. I'm 130lb and 5'3 or 5'4. My body can't handle that much.
Not only because of that reason do I never want to drink again, I don't want to drink because I can't stand the thought of how bad I hurt people. My mother hit me last night she was so upset. Me piss drunk and she hits me really hard to my shoulder. If I had been sober I would have walked out. I don't stand for people hitting me like that. But when I woke up all hung-over, I knew I deserved everything I was going to get. My situation is pretty good; I am in no real trouble. I just hurt a lot of people.
I can't even explain how bad I fucked up. Or how bad I'm beating myself up in my mind. I know it took Roy everything he had to give me this second chance. And he set down the bottom line; if I do it again I am gone. He said he would throw away his happily ever after with me, if I were going to do it again. He hates it when I drink, and I know that. I should have thought before I drank, if I had thought I wouldn't be in this situation.
I don't even want to think about that right now. I hate myself for it. But I am now fine, Roy is fine, so we are fine. We are trying to get threw me leaving tomorrow. I'm sneaking out the house in a little bit to go and hang out with him for a little loner.
I'll write while I'm gone and update this when I get back.