I think my mom hates me
Sometimes I wonder why my mom and I don't get along. Other times it's quite obvious. I'm an awful daughter. Honestly, I'd hate to have myself as a daughter. I can't follow rules if my life depended on it. I'm sneaky and deceiving, I have AWFUL grades, I lie, I do things that I can't mention, I got caught stealing in 7th grade, I got sent to I&G in 8th grade for coming to school drunk, 10th grade I got high consecutively, 11th grade...oh gosh...I can't even explain all that took place. But for some reason, my mom always supported me and my cello. Not anymore, though. I came home with a hickie a couple weeks ago, and now her life is dedicated to hurting my feelings every single damn day of my life.
I think it's because she's fed up. Dur. I always thought she was harsh on me, even when I was little and allowed to make mistakes, she pointed out all my faults and said I could never do anything right. But now I really can't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I can't learn to follow rules. You'd think I wasn't well disciplined, but trust me...I get a nice treaty punishment everytime I do something wrong. Which is quite often. So why do I keep fucking up? Why do I keep disappointing her?
Maybe because I'm not scared of getting hit anymore. Maybe what I HAVE learned is to let all that she says roll off my back and her words mean nothing to me anymore. Getting hit is worth escaping just for a little bit. It's worth getting high or the ecstasy of running away. I've learned to endure that inorder to sneak out and spend time with my friends. I don't care anymore about "getting in trouble".
She asked me why I haven't killed myself yet. It's because all I want is to live. Dammit, I just want to live. Not rebel.
I think it's because she's fed up. Dur. I always thought she was harsh on me, even when I was little and allowed to make mistakes, she pointed out all my faults and said I could never do anything right. But now I really can't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I can't learn to follow rules. You'd think I wasn't well disciplined, but trust me...I get a nice treaty punishment everytime I do something wrong. Which is quite often. So why do I keep fucking up? Why do I keep disappointing her?
Maybe because I'm not scared of getting hit anymore. Maybe what I HAVE learned is to let all that she says roll off my back and her words mean nothing to me anymore. Getting hit is worth escaping just for a little bit. It's worth getting high or the ecstasy of running away. I've learned to endure that inorder to sneak out and spend time with my friends. I don't care anymore about "getting in trouble".
She asked me why I haven't killed myself yet. It's because all I want is to live. Dammit, I just want to live. Not rebel.