shit happens
So, I don't really want to put anyone on the spot, but,
That Was Really Fucked Up.
I know I never write in this thing. Hell, I usually never realize if I have comments.
but I have to write this somewhere, and there is no way that myspace is going to hear about it.
To those who actually read my entries: I'm sorry if you don't give a flying fuck. I don't remember how to make cuts, so this is possibly going to spam your page. If you're bitchy enough to give me shit about it, then fuck you.
Look. I understand drunken idiocy. Lets face it, we've all done our share of stupid shit.
But that crossed a line. I want to forgive him, but I'm not sure whether I can. I appreciate that he realizes it was shitty, but that doesn't make it better. It will never make it better. I care about him, and I don't want him to fuck himself over by realizing how pissed I am right now. I don't want himself to go over the edge. But no.
no.no.no.no.no.
Doesn't pushing someone away generally mean that whatever they're doing should stop? I've gotten so fucked up over this. I can't think. It just keeps playing over and over again in my head, and sinking in more and more to the point of WHAT THE FUCK. How could that have happened? I feel like I can't even tell my closest friends because things will just get awkward and weird as shit.
I really want to tell you. I honestly, with all my heart wish I could tell you Sarah. I don't want things to get strange. but I want you to know. God, I want to tell you. I need someone to be there. If I tell you, it won't necessarily help so much.. I just need to get it out, and I need you to hug me and make it better, but you're so far away and you can't make it better.
And I need to cry, and I need to draw, but I also need to go to my classes and do all my work and its just feeling worse and worse inside. Every time I remember it, every day that passes since it happened. I just want to know why.. I want to know why I didn't do more to stop it, and why I had to be so drunk, and why I had to let him do it.
Why couldn't I have just gotten up and left? I just... I hate myself right now, because I feel like I'm overreacting, and I feel like I should have done more to stop it, and I feel like I'm going to fuck things over by making a big deal out of this.
I'm sorry. God dammit. I'm going to shut up. I don't want pity, I just need to get it out somehow.. and crying isnt working. My friends here just stare at me, and they don't know what to say, and it hurts that nobody will just hold me and let me cry.
That Was Really Fucked Up.
I know I never write in this thing. Hell, I usually never realize if I have comments.
but I have to write this somewhere, and there is no way that myspace is going to hear about it.
To those who actually read my entries: I'm sorry if you don't give a flying fuck. I don't remember how to make cuts, so this is possibly going to spam your page. If you're bitchy enough to give me shit about it, then fuck you.
Look. I understand drunken idiocy. Lets face it, we've all done our share of stupid shit.
But that crossed a line. I want to forgive him, but I'm not sure whether I can. I appreciate that he realizes it was shitty, but that doesn't make it better. It will never make it better. I care about him, and I don't want him to fuck himself over by realizing how pissed I am right now. I don't want himself to go over the edge. But no.
no.no.no.no.no.
Doesn't pushing someone away generally mean that whatever they're doing should stop? I've gotten so fucked up over this. I can't think. It just keeps playing over and over again in my head, and sinking in more and more to the point of WHAT THE FUCK. How could that have happened? I feel like I can't even tell my closest friends because things will just get awkward and weird as shit.
I really want to tell you. I honestly, with all my heart wish I could tell you Sarah. I don't want things to get strange. but I want you to know. God, I want to tell you. I need someone to be there. If I tell you, it won't necessarily help so much.. I just need to get it out, and I need you to hug me and make it better, but you're so far away and you can't make it better.
And I need to cry, and I need to draw, but I also need to go to my classes and do all my work and its just feeling worse and worse inside. Every time I remember it, every day that passes since it happened. I just want to know why.. I want to know why I didn't do more to stop it, and why I had to be so drunk, and why I had to let him do it.
Why couldn't I have just gotten up and left? I just... I hate myself right now, because I feel like I'm overreacting, and I feel like I should have done more to stop it, and I feel like I'm going to fuck things over by making a big deal out of this.
I'm sorry. God dammit. I'm going to shut up. I don't want pity, I just need to get it out somehow.. and crying isnt working. My friends here just stare at me, and they don't know what to say, and it hurts that nobody will just hold me and let me cry.