Himitsu Chapter 1
Erika,
I hope you are doing well. It has now
been exactly 13 days and 8 hours since
we last spoke in person, but it feels like
much longer.
I miss you.
Love,
Jun
- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
Erika,
This is the fourth time I have tried to write
this letter. Most people probably wouldn’t
want to admit that, but I can never hide anything
from you.
I have been thinking a lot about your words the
last time we spoke. I wanted to be angry at you,
anything but this pain in my heart.
I’m so sorry.
For everything. For anything.
It is not my intention to burden you, but
I love you still, Erika.
I miss you.
Jun
- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
Chapter 1
This isn’t a diary. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I had one. I’ve never been good at expressing myself the way Sho-kun does.
Still, since this is my first entry, I suppose I should write some sort of intro
My name, 松本潤, in hiraganaまつもとじゅん.
As of now, 28 years old. Most days it feels like more.
I was born in Yokohama, but moved as an infant to Nagano.
I went to high school in Tokyo.
And I attended Tokyo University for law school.
Of truly close friends, I have few.
Of loved ones, even less.
…
This is kinda depressing…
Umm…jah
Jun
10.25.08
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むかつく！
11.14.08
- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ -
Lately I am reminded to write in here, but can think of little to say. But my thoughts have been muddled and oppressive. Lately I have dreamed every night; this I distinctly recall. However, as soon as I wake it slips away. It’s extremely frustrating and unsatisfying.
Erika once told me when she has a lot on her mind she gets a big slab of clay and just wedges for hours and then makes all kinds of bizarre tea sets. To each their own I suppose. For obvious reasons I cannot emulate such a practice.
It seems like everyone is intent upon convincing me of my own unhappiness and satisfaction these days. Sho treats me like an invalid about to fall apart at the slightest mention of Erika’s name, while simultaneously telling me just how my life isn’t working.
I often think about Masaoka’s offer at the end of this summer’s, and his accompanying insights, that a man like me “doesn’t play at work,” he said.
But just who am I anyway?
Sho would say I am a man of repressed ambition. Very serious, but with a good sense of humor leaning towards sarcasm. That I work very hard, but without passion.
Five months ago, I would have, and did, argue quite fervently against that accusation. I mean really, who is delighted with their job?
But ever since Erika left I suppose I have changed. Maybe since I met her.
How did I fall in love with her in the first place? And can it be undone somehow?
Love is a cruel, unfair contract. If one person backs out, they’re free, no alimony no fees required.
“I just don’t feel the same way anymore.” I have spoken those words often enough throughout my dating years. But I don’t think I ever did feel the same way.
One such unfortunate recipient of a similar pretentious speech threw her shoe at me. It really shocked me. “It’s not fair,” she said. “Why do you get to leave, while my heart still belongs to you?”
Overdramatic, womanly theatrics, I told myself later. I tried to forget that Yeon Ju, a hard boiled, third generation Korean banker with perfectionist tendencies far outstripping my own, was never given to emotional outbursts.
But now, I understand only too well how she must have felt.
Still, I’m not comparing Erika to myself. I truly believe that Erika was only ever passionately herself.
But sometimes I wish I could hate her.
Jun
11/21/09
- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ -
“Excuse me?”
Distantly, Erika was aware of the coming storm, brewing in the back of her skull. Her eyes blinked, wide and sightless; trying to accept, to understand her doctor’s words. It was a jest surely. She was just stressed, heartsick from her father’s death. It was impossible that her body, reliable unflagging companion throughout her life, so tangibly a part of her-was no longer just hers.
“You are pregnant,” Hoshi sensei repeated in those same implacable tones, a rare smile tugging at her habitually serene countenance. “Of course, I have yet to run the tests, but I would surmise about four months gone.”
“But I always take my pill. And I haven’t even had morning sickness,” Erika protested feebly, as if these evidences could prove her doctor wrong, cause those infinitely implacable eyebrows to crease with doubt… Well if you haven’t had morning sickness…
However Hoshi sensei’s long lashes hardly fluttered; perfectly manicured nails shut her file as she subtly shifted her stance to rest steepled fingers above her remarkably uncluttered desk. Erika watched her with dreadful expectancy, but her calm reply proved her hopes in vain. “Not all women have morning sickness,” she replied calmly. “There is also always the existence of human error to the pill; maybe you forgot one day or maybe you don’t take it at the same time everyday. You reported that you’ve been suffering from back pains-”
“I haven’t been sleeping well is all-”
“And when I conducted your physical, your weight had increased significantly though your records indicate that such fluctuations are quite atypical past the age fifteen. And despite your weight gain, your arms and cheek bones appear dramatically thinner.” Her doctor paused. “Most importantly, of course, you came back positive on your pregnancy test.”
Erika, ignoring the last comment, glanced at her slight frame dubiously, at her pencil thin wrists, chaffing and dry no matter how she moisturized them these fierce winter days. “I don’t look pregnant. Well, these past few months have been very difficult,” she admitted. “I guess I haven’t been paying attention. When my period never came I assumed it was due to stress.”
Again, Hoshi sensei almost seemed to smile. “Well, it’s one kind of stress.”
The news was too new for Erika to catch her doctor’s witticism. “I’m pregnant,” she repeated her doctor’s pronouncement dumbly. But she remembered suddenly her earlier words. “Four months ago…?”
“--would be the time of your probable conception,” Hoshi sensei finished for her with a touch of dry amusement.
“Sensei, I’m not even seeing anyone!” she finally blurted out. Really, the room was beginning to feel suffocating. She wanted to take off her thick scarf, unbutton her blouse, run from the office screaming.
“That doesn’t seem to stop anyone these days.”
Erika, despite herself, blushed. “Sensei, that’s hardly the point. You must know how difficult this will be for me, alone and pregnant.”
For once, the impeccable calm broke to reveal deep compassion and remorse. “Yes, I truly apologize for my irreverence. It was cruel and unprofessional of me,” she told Erika quite seriously, regarding her with earnest eyes the color of rosewood.
“It’s alright,” Erika replied somewhat less than graciously, feeling impossibly weary and confused.
There was a long silence, and then Hoshi sensei spoke again, her voice, quiet and solemn. “There is another option we have not discussed. You are too far along to qualify for an abortion, however, if you choose to do so, you could put the child for adoption.”
Erika felt her throat go dry. “Thank you very much for the advice. I shall have to think about it. Now if you’ll excuse me,” and Erika managed to find her feet without losing her balance, and hurried away.
***sorry I know it's kinda short, but im kinda busy right now; but i shall post again soon!***
I hope you are doing well. It has now
been exactly 13 days and 8 hours since
we last spoke in person, but it feels like
much longer.
I miss you.
Love,
Jun
- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
Erika,
This is the fourth time I have tried to write
this letter. Most people probably wouldn’t
want to admit that, but I can never hide anything
from you.
I have been thinking a lot about your words the
last time we spoke. I wanted to be angry at you,
anything but this pain in my heart.
I’m so sorry.
For everything. For anything.
It is not my intention to burden you, but
I love you still, Erika.
I miss you.
Jun
- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
Chapter 1
This isn’t a diary. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I had one. I’ve never been good at expressing myself the way Sho-kun does.
Still, since this is my first entry, I suppose I should write some sort of intro
My name, 松本潤, in hiraganaまつもとじゅん.
As of now, 28 years old. Most days it feels like more.
I was born in Yokohama, but moved as an infant to Nagano.
I went to high school in Tokyo.
And I attended Tokyo University for law school.
Of truly close friends, I have few.
Of loved ones, even less.
…
This is kinda depressing…
Umm…jah
Jun
10.25.08
- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ -
むかつく！
11.14.08
- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ -
Lately I am reminded to write in here, but can think of little to say. But my thoughts have been muddled and oppressive. Lately I have dreamed every night; this I distinctly recall. However, as soon as I wake it slips away. It’s extremely frustrating and unsatisfying.
Erika once told me when she has a lot on her mind she gets a big slab of clay and just wedges for hours and then makes all kinds of bizarre tea sets. To each their own I suppose. For obvious reasons I cannot emulate such a practice.
It seems like everyone is intent upon convincing me of my own unhappiness and satisfaction these days. Sho treats me like an invalid about to fall apart at the slightest mention of Erika’s name, while simultaneously telling me just how my life isn’t working.
I often think about Masaoka’s offer at the end of this summer’s, and his accompanying insights, that a man like me “doesn’t play at work,” he said.
But just who am I anyway?
Sho would say I am a man of repressed ambition. Very serious, but with a good sense of humor leaning towards sarcasm. That I work very hard, but without passion.
Five months ago, I would have, and did, argue quite fervently against that accusation. I mean really, who is delighted with their job?
But ever since Erika left I suppose I have changed. Maybe since I met her.
How did I fall in love with her in the first place? And can it be undone somehow?
Love is a cruel, unfair contract. If one person backs out, they’re free, no alimony no fees required.
“I just don’t feel the same way anymore.” I have spoken those words often enough throughout my dating years. But I don’t think I ever did feel the same way.
One such unfortunate recipient of a similar pretentious speech threw her shoe at me. It really shocked me. “It’s not fair,” she said. “Why do you get to leave, while my heart still belongs to you?”
Overdramatic, womanly theatrics, I told myself later. I tried to forget that Yeon Ju, a hard boiled, third generation Korean banker with perfectionist tendencies far outstripping my own, was never given to emotional outbursts.
But now, I understand only too well how she must have felt.
Still, I’m not comparing Erika to myself. I truly believe that Erika was only ever passionately herself.
But sometimes I wish I could hate her.
Jun
11/21/09
- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~- ~ - ~ - ~ -
“Excuse me?”
Distantly, Erika was aware of the coming storm, brewing in the back of her skull. Her eyes blinked, wide and sightless; trying to accept, to understand her doctor’s words. It was a jest surely. She was just stressed, heartsick from her father’s death. It was impossible that her body, reliable unflagging companion throughout her life, so tangibly a part of her-was no longer just hers.
“You are pregnant,” Hoshi sensei repeated in those same implacable tones, a rare smile tugging at her habitually serene countenance. “Of course, I have yet to run the tests, but I would surmise about four months gone.”
“But I always take my pill. And I haven’t even had morning sickness,” Erika protested feebly, as if these evidences could prove her doctor wrong, cause those infinitely implacable eyebrows to crease with doubt… Well if you haven’t had morning sickness…
However Hoshi sensei’s long lashes hardly fluttered; perfectly manicured nails shut her file as she subtly shifted her stance to rest steepled fingers above her remarkably uncluttered desk. Erika watched her with dreadful expectancy, but her calm reply proved her hopes in vain. “Not all women have morning sickness,” she replied calmly. “There is also always the existence of human error to the pill; maybe you forgot one day or maybe you don’t take it at the same time everyday. You reported that you’ve been suffering from back pains-”
“I haven’t been sleeping well is all-”
“And when I conducted your physical, your weight had increased significantly though your records indicate that such fluctuations are quite atypical past the age fifteen. And despite your weight gain, your arms and cheek bones appear dramatically thinner.” Her doctor paused. “Most importantly, of course, you came back positive on your pregnancy test.”
Erika, ignoring the last comment, glanced at her slight frame dubiously, at her pencil thin wrists, chaffing and dry no matter how she moisturized them these fierce winter days. “I don’t look pregnant. Well, these past few months have been very difficult,” she admitted. “I guess I haven’t been paying attention. When my period never came I assumed it was due to stress.”
Again, Hoshi sensei almost seemed to smile. “Well, it’s one kind of stress.”
The news was too new for Erika to catch her doctor’s witticism. “I’m pregnant,” she repeated her doctor’s pronouncement dumbly. But she remembered suddenly her earlier words. “Four months ago…?”
“--would be the time of your probable conception,” Hoshi sensei finished for her with a touch of dry amusement.
“Sensei, I’m not even seeing anyone!” she finally blurted out. Really, the room was beginning to feel suffocating. She wanted to take off her thick scarf, unbutton her blouse, run from the office screaming.
“That doesn’t seem to stop anyone these days.”
Erika, despite herself, blushed. “Sensei, that’s hardly the point. You must know how difficult this will be for me, alone and pregnant.”
For once, the impeccable calm broke to reveal deep compassion and remorse. “Yes, I truly apologize for my irreverence. It was cruel and unprofessional of me,” she told Erika quite seriously, regarding her with earnest eyes the color of rosewood.
“It’s alright,” Erika replied somewhat less than graciously, feeling impossibly weary and confused.
There was a long silence, and then Hoshi sensei spoke again, her voice, quiet and solemn. “There is another option we have not discussed. You are too far along to qualify for an abortion, however, if you choose to do so, you could put the child for adoption.”
Erika felt her throat go dry. “Thank you very much for the advice. I shall have to think about it. Now if you’ll excuse me,” and Erika managed to find her feet without losing her balance, and hurried away.
***sorry I know it's kinda short, but im kinda busy right now; but i shall post again soon!***