Fan fic: Tony vs. Edward
Tony belongs to Marvel Comics and Edward belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I don't make any money from this.
Tony vs Edward
By Marie Nomad
Tony: Hi, I'm Marvel.
Edward: And I'm Twilight. (sniffs Tony) You reek of metal.
Tony: Well, they do call me 'Iron Man'. He's smelling me? I knew I should've showered!
Edward: Your odor is strong. I could not help it.
Tony: Crap! He's telepathic! Think of something else! I know! Sex! No, bad idea. He shouldn't see Pepper naked. Math? He could learn one of my secret projects. What if I think in Klingon? Ha! And Rhodey said that I'll never use my fluent Klingon skills.* not yap wa' Hol
Edward:... You are an odd human.
Tony: Eccentric! Now that my mind is properly protected, let's talk about why your girlfriend called my girlfriend an 'old hag'. She's hurt by it.
Edward: Your woman insulted her first.
Tony: Hey! Her name is Pepper and she's her own woman.
Edward: You have to control her better.
Tony: Control?
Edward: Yes, like the time Alice couldn't see Bella's future because she was going to see that mutt. I hindered her truck.
Tony: Hindered.
Edward: I took out the Carburetor.
Tony: You sabotaged your own girlfriend's truck to keep her from her friend. I may be new to the whole boyfriend role but that's crossing a line.
Edward: I did what I had to do to protect her from him.
Tony: Has he ever hurt her?
Edward: No.
Tony: Has he ever threaten to hurt her?
Edward: No.
Tony: Has he ever imagined her naked?
Edward: Too many times! What right does he have to be with her? He had swooped in and entranced her with his half naked body while I was away.
Tony: You mean after you dumped her because you thought you are a threat to her life.
Edward: That is different! Werewolves are vicious, uncontrollable creatures.
Tony: Uh huh. And what if a nice normal guy and Bella dated while you were 'away'?
Edward: ...
Tony: Right. Take it from me. Women have rights. They are not cars that you can play with whenever you want. You can't just strong arm your girlfriend into doing what you want. Not unless you want to get hit with a lawsuit.
Edward: You had killed many people. Don't you feel guilty?
Tony: Oh cute, the whole misdirect to avoid answering that question. All right, yes, I killed people. I killed those terrorists who held me and Yinsen captive for three months in a cave forcing me to build weapons for them. Do I feel bad about it? Yeah. But, it was either that or dying and I didn't want to die. I'm sure you killed your fair share of humans too.
Edward: Yes, I did. I experimented with eating humans for a while. I focused on killing merely evil humans.
Tony: Like fugitives? How did you find out who is evil and who isn't?
Edward: I read their thoughts.
Tony: Uhhh... have you killed these 'evil' humans while they are trying to kill someone else?
Edward: A few times but I find it more efficient to find humans who have evil thoughts and kill them that way.
Tony: Thinking about killing someone isn't a crime! Horror writers think about killing people all the time!
Edward: I might have killed a few innocent people. After ten years, I stopped and vowed to change back to vegetarianism.
Tony: Good for you. So, what did you do after that to help your fellow humans? Become a doctor like Carlisle?
Edward: I have a few doctorate degrees from my times in college.
Tony: Great! With your super senses and telepathy, you could go off and be like Dr. House only without the limp and the addiction to pain killers.
Edward: I'm not a doctor.
Tony: Eh?
Edward: I spent my time in high school and a few years in college before my family and I had to move to another location. We could not afford to draw attention.
Tony: I see your point. What about charities? Set up a few foundations with all those mountains of cash.
Edward: I don't think so, we didn't want to attract attention.
Tony: Going to third world countries and help the poor and sick? Bruce does that and if a guy who transforms into a green giant as a temper tantrum could do it without anyone really noticing, anyone could.
Edward: No.
Tony: So, you have all these awesome powers. You have enough degrees to be your own hospital. You have enough money to make me feel jealous. And you spend all your time going to high school and stalk teenage girls.
Edward: And you are any different? You drown yourself in alcohol and women. You speak to no one but these toys. You put yourself in danger all the time and for what? Fame?
Tony: They're not toys! They're AIs and they're my friends! Yes, I drink and sleep around. I party hard but I'm trying to change. Do you know why I put myself in danger? Because I want my life to mean something besides parties and booze. I want to have a legacy that doesn't involve blowing up stuff. I screw up. I screw up a lot but I won't stop trying because I'm a stubborn ass!
(Marches away and turns around.)
Tony: One more thing. Real vampires don't sparkle!
(Tony leaves.)
Edward: Prick.
The End
*One language is never enough.