Tony Vs. Kirk [IronMan/TropicThunder] crossover Rating G
Title: Tony Vs. Kirk
Author: Marie Nomad
Note: Many thanks to arcanelegacy for betareading this.
Disclaimer: All characters except for Kirk Lazarus is owned by Marvel. Kirk is owned by Dreamworks.
Summary: A new actor has been picked to play War Machine in the upcoming 'Iron Man 2' movie. There is one problem, he's a white Australian.
Pairings: Tony/Rhodey friendship and some Tony/Pepper.
It was a typical day as Tony was playing his music full blast. If he was lucky, he could get the latest upgrades installed into his suit without any problems.
All of a sudden, the music shut off and Rhodey stomped in. Tony sighed. He could tell that his best friend was pissed off. "Look, Rhodey, that thing with the Audi was handled already."
"What? No! You know that Iron Man 2 movie that's being made?"
"What about it?"
"Do you know who's playing me? Go on, guess!"
Tony shrugged. He knew that the old actor wasn't playing Rhodey in the sequel, but that was about it. He was busy with his company and the Avengers and Pepper. "I've been busy saving the world, Rhodey."
Rhodey took a deep breath. "Kirk Lazarus is going to play me!"
The silence hung between them. "Isn't he white?" He asked remembering the blond haired, blue eyed Aussie. He was tall and incredibly handsome. Kirk was the man who could become anyone he wanted to.
"Exactly! Kirk Lazarus playing me is like having David Hasselhoff playing Nick Fury!"
"I didn't even know he still acted."
"Tony!" Rhodey pleaded. "This is serious. I can't have a white man play me! You have to do something."
"You're right. Maybe, I'll bribe him with some bling bling."
"Tony..."
"At least on the screen we will look like brothas."
"Tony..."
"I will have my very own Australian sidekick! Maybe, I can add in a boomerang gun to the War Machine."
"ANTHONY!"
Tony blinked. "You never called me 'Anthony'," he said, hurt.
"Will you just be serious for once? I am black. I want to be played by a black man."
Tony rolled his eyes and put his arm around his buddy's shoulders. "It's a PR world out there. No studio in their right minds would have a white man play a real life black man. How do you know?"
Rhodey rolled his eyes, snatched the remote, and turned on the TV. "And this is just in. Kirk Lazarus, fresh from his role as a gay Irish monk is scheduled to play War Machine on Iron Man 2."
"Oh yeah! Satan's Alley. I got tickets to the premiere."
"ARRGH!"
XXX
"This is serious, Tony," Pepper said as she looked at the newspaper. "This thing going on with Kirk Lazarus playing Rhodey is a PR nightmare."
"I know. Rhodey is really worked up about it. I haven't seen him this upset since the time I snuck that goat into the dorm room."
Pepper paused. "I don't want to know about it. Anyway, we are getting all sorts of protests from the African American community. I tried to talk to the studio but they won't listen. People think that we are responsible for this snafu." She sighed. "Tony, you have to talk to Kirk. Make him understand that this is wrong on so many levels!"
"I just don't see what's so wrong about this. Kirk's an awesome actor. You acted the same way when Robert Downey Jr. was slated to play me."
"I was just worried about the stunts he might play during the filming." Pepper blushed. "But this is different. You must talk to Kirk."
"Why should I?"
Pepper glared at him. "If you don't talk to Kirk Lazarus, I will not have any 'fun' with you."
That was the ultimate threat. Tony's lip quivered as he did his best puppy face. "But... I bought new handcuffs."
Pepper crossed her arms and looked at Tony with that resolved face of hers.
XXX
"Hey, Kirk, how's it going?" Tony greeted the Australian.
"Nothing much, mate," Kirk said as he shook Tony's hand. "I'm excited about the new role."
"Oh yeah. About that... Rhodey and Pepper's a little worried about a white man playing a black man. You know, it's not good PR."
"I have nothing against black people. I just see it as a good challenge. I want to go beyond my limits," Kirk explained.
"I get that. I understand but other people don't. It doesn't look good for the company since the movie reflects my life.”
“Do not worry about that, mate. When I am done, no one will remember that I am white.”
“Well, all that make up will take up a huge amount of time.”
Kirk smirked confidently. “I made an arrangement with this plastic surgery clinic in Thailand to fix that.”
Tony's jaw dropped. “Plastic surgery?”
“Oh yeah. They are going to do a pigmentation alteration procedure. Don't worry, they've done this before. Don't know who. Some kind of spy I think.” Kirk waved off. “Anyway, after the surgery, I will need a pair of Colonel Rhodes' shoes.”
“Why?”
“To walk in them of course. Does he have a family?”
Tony nodded. “Yeah, a mom in Philadelphia and a sister I think. Why?”
“Well, I have to live with them of course. I will also work Jim's job and pilot the War Machine suit. And you may have to call me 'Rhodey' after a while. I will not go by 'Kirk' when I become my character,” Kirk went as Tony started to get pale.
“Oh yeah... well, it's a super dangerous suit of armor that I can't let anyone pilot. The War Machine Suit will only accept Rhodey.”
“But, I will be Rhodey.”
Tony could just hear the 'psycho' shower song playing in the background as Kirk talked about how deep he was going to play his friend. He pressed a button under his desk. JARVIS spoke up, “Sir, there is an emergency in LA that needs your immediate attention.”
“Thanks, JARVIS,” Tony said as he got Kirk to stand up. “Sorry, being a superhero...”
“Ah yes, good luck on that emergency.” Kirk waved and walked off. Tony closed the door and wiped his brow.
“Call the studio.”
“At once.”
XXX
"Hah!" Rhodey called out as he and Tony was playing the Iron Man 2 video game. "I heard this game sucked."
"I 'fixed' it." Tony chuckled as he kept on pounding his keys. "Glad to see that you're talking to me."
"I was wondering, what did you do?"
"Oh, I had to hack into the cartridge and-"
"I mean about Lazarus not playing me!" Rhodey exclaimed. "One day the guy's asking for my shoes and the next, he left me alone."
"Oh that." Tony shrugged as he pressed pause. "There's this stipulation in the contract that if there are any felons or those who had a past history of mental illness, I can reject that contract with the studio and trash the movie. I could have done this with Robert Downey Jr. but he showed he had been clean and I thought that I should give him the chance. Kirk on the other hand... he is borderline crazy. I was afraid that he might kill you."
"Wait, you were willing to torpedo your own trilogy just to keep Kirk from playing me because you were worried for my life?"
"You're my best friend. Best male friend at least. I can't let anyone hurt you."
"I can take care of myself but thanks." Rhodey held up his fist and they did a fist bump. "What do you think that Kirk is going to do now?”
“I don't know. An actor like him has offers just waiting for him. As long as he's far away from any weapons of mass destruction, I'm happy.”
XXX
“Hello, this is Kirk Lazarus. My role on Iron Man 2 fell through so I will take you up on your offer. But instead of Four Leaf Taeback, I want to play Lincoln Osiris. Yes, I know he's black.”
The End?