(no subject)
Ready Or Not
I'm not the type to look for a relationship. Men seem to come and go out of my life effortlessly.
The other day, a guest at work asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. Whenever someone asks me that, my usual response is that 'I'm too focused and that it would be selfish of me to ask my significant other to deal with my crazy work schedule.' Generally, I work over 50 hours a week. And when I'm not working, I'm sleeping, running errands, and trying to salvage what's left of the friendships that I still have.
It's not about the money. It's about my goals. Retiring my parents, my kuyas and nieces, buying a house before I turn 25; my bucket list is endless. Making sure that if 15 years from now, if people in my life are struggling, they know that they'll always have a place to stay until things start looking up them.
Lately, I've been questioning my motives of keeping out of relationships. I mean, if I really wanted to make something work, I could, I would, right? Past experiences have scarred me out of ever letting someone get emotionally close to me.
I pride myself on being a good girlfriend. I avoid fighting. I'll never cause a scene. I'll never go through your phone, etc. I'm trusting. But I think that's what always gets me into trouble. I allow myself to believe that no one can hurt me.
I attempted the whole,
"work/boyfriend time" thing. It always ends up in fights about how I work too much and too hard and I don't have enough time. I hate fighting.
If I'm ever going to be with someone ever again, they need to understand that my current schedule revolves around accomplishing certain things in my lifetime. I yearn to make someone proud of me. I have a plan, and goals that dictate my life. I'm driven. I'm focused on being successful and dependable to others. Every time that someone tries to fight me on why I'm working so much, it just pushes me that much farther away from everything I want to accomplish.
It would be selfish of me to ask someone to be with me when I would barely have sufficient time to dedicate to them. But then again, I don't think that person exists.
Would you be okay with your significant other working all the time? Constantly missing events that are going on? (i.e. family parties, holidays, etc.)
I don't live a typical lifestyle. I'm annoyingly independent and I pride myself on being able to take care of everything by myself.
I'm more than a handful. I'm a little too much and sometimes I'm not enough at all. It terrifies me to think of the possibility that I work so much and push potential relationships aside so often that one day, I'll never get the chance to fall in love.
I just want to make a difference in someone else's life.
I want to be proud of myself.
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