My words may not mean anything.
Stupidly I bought a plane ticket out to California for this weekend. I thought plans that I made with him would actually come true. I couldn't refund them. So I grabbed Juliya and took her with me. We are out here until Monday. I don't know what to do. I won't look at the ocean while I am here. I think we are going to Disneyland and splash mountain will be the closest thing to the sea that I will go out on.
Anyone who reads this will think I am an idiot for doing this a third time. I let him get to me and then I let him hurt me. Yes, hurt me Joel I don't want to hear and bullshit about how I hurt you. This is my journal, fuck off. Maybe I don't know what love is and now I doubt that I ever felt it for you. I think I was caught up in the moment. I'm not over you but as each day goes on it doesn't phase me anymore. You say I did all these horrible things to you and that I'm a horrible person but you know you have done them too. I never once said a word against you. But yet you would call me a skank. I never laughed at you but you are convinced that I did. You told me you never wanted anything to do with me and that you couldn't ever be with a person like me. How do you think that feels? So how was I supposed to wait for you. I moved on. I learned a lesson but going back to you was worse. You have this way of making me think everything s fine and then yelling at me for telling the truth. You say you don't want me, well I don't want you. I don't want to be a part of your brother, Tony love triangle. So you have fun with that. I wish you all the best with everything because you are great and deserve it. I just don't want to go through this again.
I want to say something to Vanessa. Things got on the wrong foot with us and this isn't me trying to be best friends with you. You didn't deserve anything that I said. You are really sweet and handle it all well. I acted immature and wasn't thinking. I just wanted to say I'm sorry because you didn't deserve that from me. And good luck with whoever it is you are dating. I wish you the best.
When Joel was in town we went out for a night. It was the greatest night ever. I don't think I stopped laughing. By the end of the night I am sure that fifty people logged on to the internet and bought made after we walked through Central Park having him scream it out about four times. It was a great night and at least I will leave that as my last memory of him. I don't think he will ever talk to me or vice versa either. He says he forgives but he doesn't.
I had planned to fly out here and see him. I think I will do everything to avoid that but maybe go to a show. Things maybe horrible between us but at least I can listen to some good music and have a good time.
I think this is good-bye to you. Since I doubt I will ever talk to you again. It was fun when it was fun but it was horrible when it wasn't. Leaving me in tears almost every night. I made mistakes but you made them too. Please don't leave your comments about how horrible I am and how I lie and bitch. I don't want to hear them. Just understand that I never meant to hurt you but that we were just never meant to be.
Kristin slap me next time. I sent the pancakes. Did you get them?
Hillarie I love your show can I leave being a vj and join you. Ha I'm kidding but enjoy.
Anyone who reads this will think I am an idiot for doing this a third time. I let him get to me and then I let him hurt me. Yes, hurt me Joel I don't want to hear and bullshit about how I hurt you. This is my journal, fuck off. Maybe I don't know what love is and now I doubt that I ever felt it for you. I think I was caught up in the moment. I'm not over you but as each day goes on it doesn't phase me anymore. You say I did all these horrible things to you and that I'm a horrible person but you know you have done them too. I never once said a word against you. But yet you would call me a skank. I never laughed at you but you are convinced that I did. You told me you never wanted anything to do with me and that you couldn't ever be with a person like me. How do you think that feels? So how was I supposed to wait for you. I moved on. I learned a lesson but going back to you was worse. You have this way of making me think everything s fine and then yelling at me for telling the truth. You say you don't want me, well I don't want you. I don't want to be a part of your brother, Tony love triangle. So you have fun with that. I wish you all the best with everything because you are great and deserve it. I just don't want to go through this again.
I want to say something to Vanessa. Things got on the wrong foot with us and this isn't me trying to be best friends with you. You didn't deserve anything that I said. You are really sweet and handle it all well. I acted immature and wasn't thinking. I just wanted to say I'm sorry because you didn't deserve that from me. And good luck with whoever it is you are dating. I wish you the best.
When Joel was in town we went out for a night. It was the greatest night ever. I don't think I stopped laughing. By the end of the night I am sure that fifty people logged on to the internet and bought made after we walked through Central Park having him scream it out about four times. It was a great night and at least I will leave that as my last memory of him. I don't think he will ever talk to me or vice versa either. He says he forgives but he doesn't.
I had planned to fly out here and see him. I think I will do everything to avoid that but maybe go to a show. Things maybe horrible between us but at least I can listen to some good music and have a good time.
I think this is good-bye to you. Since I doubt I will ever talk to you again. It was fun when it was fun but it was horrible when it wasn't. Leaving me in tears almost every night. I made mistakes but you made them too. Please don't leave your comments about how horrible I am and how I lie and bitch. I don't want to hear them. Just understand that I never meant to hurt you but that we were just never meant to be.
Kristin slap me next time. I sent the pancakes. Did you get them?
Hillarie I love your show can I leave being a vj and join you. Ha I'm kidding but enjoy.