(no subject)
i dunno what to do with myself. i had huge plans for the weekend, time consuming plans... i was really looking forward to them. and then they were destroyed. i shouldve gone ahead with them anyway, but im trying to be fair; respectful of other's wishes.
so now im drinking beer on my couch. the internet is boring, i dont even know why im on here except it seemed like another possible distractor. but its a terrible one these days. the beer isn't doing much.
i have a huge list of "chores" around the house. i should do some. but thats not what i wanted to do this weekend. so i dont care. let the house rot. it'll sort itself out somehow. i dont even feel like playing video games or reading.
i needed this trip for myself. i believe i wasnt the only one who needed it. but the insistence that something was wrong with it, how it kept coming up and then the weird comments, that was just too much. it broke my will to fight for what im sure was the right thing for both. how can we go on if we just dwell on the past? and pretending its not supposed to mean anything, not supposed to involve "hearts", etc, thats just a game we play. nothing is meaningless.
you'd think with what ive accomplished i could do or have what i want, but clearly i cant. will i ever? should i even bother with any of this? i have no idea sometimes. there are easier ways to live. people settle. people who settle have something, at least.
the pessimist will agree. i dont.
so now im drinking beer on my couch. the internet is boring, i dont even know why im on here except it seemed like another possible distractor. but its a terrible one these days. the beer isn't doing much.
i have a huge list of "chores" around the house. i should do some. but thats not what i wanted to do this weekend. so i dont care. let the house rot. it'll sort itself out somehow. i dont even feel like playing video games or reading.
i needed this trip for myself. i believe i wasnt the only one who needed it. but the insistence that something was wrong with it, how it kept coming up and then the weird comments, that was just too much. it broke my will to fight for what im sure was the right thing for both. how can we go on if we just dwell on the past? and pretending its not supposed to mean anything, not supposed to involve "hearts", etc, thats just a game we play. nothing is meaningless.
you'd think with what ive accomplished i could do or have what i want, but clearly i cant. will i ever? should i even bother with any of this? i have no idea sometimes. there are easier ways to live. people settle. people who settle have something, at least.
the pessimist will agree. i dont.