Dear You
Because I can't go on pretending like you don't matter and that you don't exist, and I don't have the courage or the willpower to actually tell you this. But I gotta let it all out somehow. If it's meant to be, you will find this and you will understand.
Not a day passes by when I don't think about you. I can't help it, and I hate myself for it because I know you're feeling something else different, what that is, I'm not entirely sure and neither are you. It's so hard for me to put all this distance between us and I honestly thought that it could help. I told myself time and distance would help me move on, and I wanted to believe that eventually, everything will fade. Just when I thought I had thoroughly convinced myself that time worked its magic, and that you are not worth it, things became worse.
Everything reminds me of you and it's taking away what little determination I had to want to move on. But I've always known the truth, I never wanted to move on. I don't even know what I'm holding onto, what I'm hoping for... but that a tiny part of me is foolishly and adamantly clinging to some belief that we're meant to be. Because it all felt so right and that feeling is just so horribly hard to live without. It's stupid, but there's literally nothing I wouldn't do to try to make this work, I have this strong urge to want to be there, to hold you and love you and treat you right. Never have I felt something so powerful and time only makes it more apparent that this is indeed something special, to me at least.
On the other hand, there's also the dominant, lingering feeling that I was never that special. I know I have always doubted you, but for some reason, you always came through and proved yourself. But it can't be helped. You hurt me when I least expected it, gave me reasons that were unclear, illogical and above all, conflicted with your actions and everything else you say. I still don't understand why til this day. It's no wonder I can't take your words for what they are; neither can I judge you by your actions because they're inconsistent with what you say. I've learned over time and convinced myself to take these things lightly. After all, you seem to say these things almost as quickly as you forget them.
Maybe that also explains why I was never quick to express my feelings. Leading you to believe that I cared about you a lot less than I actually did. Because I wanted my words to carry meaning when I used them, for I don't use these words often. None of that matters anymore though.
I think I might have finally found the resolve to move on. I can't keep living like this. One minute I'm thinking about all the good things, all your qualities, all the good times we've had together, reminiscing how right that felt and longing for it. Next minute, I'm telling myself to cut the crap out, that it was all a bunch of lies, that you never really needed or wanted any of it, never wanted me, I was just convenient. At the right place at the right time, or should I say, at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm sick and tired of being ignorant, insistent on seeing only what I want to see, purposely forgetting all the rest, rationalizing to myself that you are still here for me, what we had was real and hoping that somewhere deep down, you still care for me. But it's apparent that I'm of little to no consequence to you. I'm oh-so replaceable.
And even if none of that was true, I don't think I have it in me to keep going. to keep hoping. I can't keep holding on because I can't afford to have my hopes up high again just to be let down. It's also affecting people around me, I can't do to them what you've done to me. So, I'm more telling myself this than telling you, but from now on I will hold you in my memories, and my memories only. Goodbye.
-Maria
Not a day passes by when I don't think about you. I can't help it, and I hate myself for it because I know you're feeling something else different, what that is, I'm not entirely sure and neither are you. It's so hard for me to put all this distance between us and I honestly thought that it could help. I told myself time and distance would help me move on, and I wanted to believe that eventually, everything will fade. Just when I thought I had thoroughly convinced myself that time worked its magic, and that you are not worth it, things became worse.
Everything reminds me of you and it's taking away what little determination I had to want to move on. But I've always known the truth, I never wanted to move on. I don't even know what I'm holding onto, what I'm hoping for... but that a tiny part of me is foolishly and adamantly clinging to some belief that we're meant to be. Because it all felt so right and that feeling is just so horribly hard to live without. It's stupid, but there's literally nothing I wouldn't do to try to make this work, I have this strong urge to want to be there, to hold you and love you and treat you right. Never have I felt something so powerful and time only makes it more apparent that this is indeed something special, to me at least.
On the other hand, there's also the dominant, lingering feeling that I was never that special. I know I have always doubted you, but for some reason, you always came through and proved yourself. But it can't be helped. You hurt me when I least expected it, gave me reasons that were unclear, illogical and above all, conflicted with your actions and everything else you say. I still don't understand why til this day. It's no wonder I can't take your words for what they are; neither can I judge you by your actions because they're inconsistent with what you say. I've learned over time and convinced myself to take these things lightly. After all, you seem to say these things almost as quickly as you forget them.
Maybe that also explains why I was never quick to express my feelings. Leading you to believe that I cared about you a lot less than I actually did. Because I wanted my words to carry meaning when I used them, for I don't use these words often. None of that matters anymore though.
I think I might have finally found the resolve to move on. I can't keep living like this. One minute I'm thinking about all the good things, all your qualities, all the good times we've had together, reminiscing how right that felt and longing for it. Next minute, I'm telling myself to cut the crap out, that it was all a bunch of lies, that you never really needed or wanted any of it, never wanted me, I was just convenient. At the right place at the right time, or should I say, at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm sick and tired of being ignorant, insistent on seeing only what I want to see, purposely forgetting all the rest, rationalizing to myself that you are still here for me, what we had was real and hoping that somewhere deep down, you still care for me. But it's apparent that I'm of little to no consequence to you. I'm oh-so replaceable.
And even if none of that was true, I don't think I have it in me to keep going. to keep hoping. I can't keep holding on because I can't afford to have my hopes up high again just to be let down. It's also affecting people around me, I can't do to them what you've done to me. So, I'm more telling myself this than telling you, but from now on I will hold you in my memories, and my memories only. Goodbye.
-Maria