23 Hours in Hell
I want to thank you all for all your words of support. They mean a lot to me.
I go in and out. For a little while, I feel ok. I feel distracted I guess. Then the pain rushes over me again and I'm sobbing again. I wish I could just have one more minute with her. There are so many things I want to tell her. I know I never thanked her enough for all the help she gave me day in and day out with my kids, with my depression, with everything. I talk to her now and tell her all these things, but I would give anything just to hear her respond. If only I could call her again. She lived 5 houses away and I talked to/saw her every single day. She was like a second mother to my kids. I find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call to tell her something like 100 times a day. Last night my daughter wanted me to cook her an egg in the microwave like my mom always made her (at my mom's house) and I was just about to call her and ask how long do I put this egg in? I guess my microwave is stronger than hers because I burned the damn egg. Mommy I can't even make an egg without you!! You should be there at your house with your cats and all your stuff. You shouldn't be in that funeral home.
We went to make all the arrangements yesterday, my father and I. My brother has been drinking a lot, he's no help at all to us really. I keep telling him this is not what our mother would want him to be doing but he just can't cope. At the funeral home they brought us into a room with all these coffins to pick out the one we wanted... Jesus I don't know if I can do this. I don't want to put my mom into a box!! Oh God I don't want you in a box mommy. I just want you here with me. Mommy I miss you so much. I don't know how to breathe without you. I love you so much I'm sorry I didn't tell you enough. I know you know. You have to know. I love you.
Thanks for listening everyone.
I go in and out. For a little while, I feel ok. I feel distracted I guess. Then the pain rushes over me again and I'm sobbing again. I wish I could just have one more minute with her. There are so many things I want to tell her. I know I never thanked her enough for all the help she gave me day in and day out with my kids, with my depression, with everything. I talk to her now and tell her all these things, but I would give anything just to hear her respond. If only I could call her again. She lived 5 houses away and I talked to/saw her every single day. She was like a second mother to my kids. I find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call to tell her something like 100 times a day. Last night my daughter wanted me to cook her an egg in the microwave like my mom always made her (at my mom's house) and I was just about to call her and ask how long do I put this egg in? I guess my microwave is stronger than hers because I burned the damn egg. Mommy I can't even make an egg without you!! You should be there at your house with your cats and all your stuff. You shouldn't be in that funeral home.
We went to make all the arrangements yesterday, my father and I. My brother has been drinking a lot, he's no help at all to us really. I keep telling him this is not what our mother would want him to be doing but he just can't cope. At the funeral home they brought us into a room with all these coffins to pick out the one we wanted... Jesus I don't know if I can do this. I don't want to put my mom into a box!! Oh God I don't want you in a box mommy. I just want you here with me. Mommy I miss you so much. I don't know how to breathe without you. I love you so much I'm sorry I didn't tell you enough. I know you know. You have to know. I love you.
Thanks for listening everyone.