In case we forgot, its AMERICAN Idol - YAY AMERICA.
You know, now that I hate Idol, its going to be even more fun blogging it!
So last week I said if Jason got kicked off, I wouldn't watch, and he survived due to the "America's" shocking vote-off. I watched this week, and my faithfulness to him must mean I've gotten over the whole looks-like-Jade thing. Though from here on out, I will call him Sister-Boyfriend, or perhaps the more appropriate "Jade-son."
This week was Neil Diamond night. And man could I look forward to anything less? I am not a Neil Diamond fan. His voice sounds like a creepy man who seduces 15 year olds. Now, I have no proof - All I have is "Girl You'll Be A Woman Soon." Actually, in the mentoring, he seemed like a nice, noncreepy guy (he DID ask Syesha if he could give her a hug, but her boobs are so pendulous, I challenge any straight man not to request a hug). I don't love his songs - I dont understand the obsession with Sweet Caroline - I REALLY don't understand why its the Red Sox theme song. I DO love a good Neil Diamond impression. I can also say that he is a very iconic figure in the music industry, and that the Idols would have a lot to go up against in making his songs their own.
Because that's what the judges want, they want you to make your songs relevant and individual. Right? No wait, they like versatility in an actor and get bored if you do your same individual schtick each week. No wait, its a competition for the best VOCALIST. No wait, its a showcase for performers with PERSONALITY. No wait...
OK so I'm sure if you listened to the radio, you heard the biggest news of the night, and that was Paula Abdul's UBERtoasted f*ckup. The deal last night was, the contestants would sing two songs, and they would get critique from the judges after their second song. So they each sang a song, and Seacrest asked the judges for a QUICK commentary on the contestant's first song before they went into number two. And Paula says to Jason, "Ok okay gosh we've never had to write this down so fast, ok your first song I liked that you showed off your lower register, but your second song didn't make me believe you were serious about getting in the top four." This was after they'd only sung their first song. Thank you Paula for taking enough drugs that we now have confirmation that the judge's commentary is scripted, and it doesnt matter what the hell the contestants do.
But, for funsies, lets talk about the contestants anyhow!
CONTESTANT: Jade-son Sisterboyfriend (stoner dreads boy)
SONGS: "Forever in Blue Jeans" and "September Morn"
THE JUDGEMENT: Just OK, forgettable, criticized for not putting his own spin on the songs.
MY THOUGHTS: Alright, alright so this kid does the same thing every week - acoustic guitar song, pleasant voice and beat. But he has a very clear identity and taste, even if he isn't a SINGER. Damien Rice has been doing pretty well with this style (sub piano for guitar). And you know what? don't criticize him for "not making the song his own" when last week you drooled over David Cook's note-by-note schmaltzy "Music of the Night." Jason is faithful to his musical roots every week, and if that bores the judges and their scriptwriters, then maybe they should all work on America's Got Talent, where they have the Snapping Guy and The World's Fastest Costume Change to get them thru the "mundane." The show was rigged so much against this kid. The producers can all go and suck it.
CONTESTANT: David Cook (the "rock star" who I used to like)
SONGS: "I'm Alive" and "All I Really Need is You."
THE JUDGEMENT: "brilliant" (Simon) "molton hot lava dawg" (randy) "do me now while my buzz is still on" (who else)
MY THOUGHTS: The old Liz would have enjoyed, and perhaps lauded this young man for his rocktastic covers. The new Liz merely presses fast-forward while mocking his combover and Jack-Black-Wannabeeness. Clearly THIS guy is one they are gunning for the top.
FURTHER: Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on the contestants. They are most likely pawns in this game of Fox.
CONTESTANT: Brooke "I mess up songs so you'll feel bad for me" White ('70s Balladeer")
SONGS: “I Am … I Said” and “I’m a Believer”
JUDGEMENT: First song (Believer) was a "karaoke nightmare" and second song was "the brooke we love"
MY THOUGHTS: FIrst off, what is it with the mentors having no idea what the hell their songs are saying?? And both times with Brooke - last week, Andrew Lloyd Webber told Brook his song was a plea, when anyone who's heard the song knows its a realization. This week, Neil Diamond told her "hey in this song I sing how I'm from New York, but why don't you substitute your homestate of Arizona to make it your own?" Well this is a nice thought, except that the lyrics are now: "Well I'm Arizona born and raised/But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores" Actually....Arizona doesn't have a shoreline....and if it did...it would be the same as LA's...but....ok.
FURTHER: Brooke was fine, but she's lost her appeal to me. Tonight, to her credit, she didn't suffer one near-nervous-breakdown. However, she DID reveal that she'd written the lyrics to "I Am, I Said" on her palm, which would be really useful IF YOU WEREN'T PLAYING THE PIANO WHILE YOU SANG IT.
CONTESTANT: David "Jesus" Archuleta (Teen Mormon Superstar)
SONGS: "Sweet Caroline" and "America"
HOLD THE PHONE. STOP TEXTING AND HOLD THE PHONE. The Boy Wonder that Idol has been pimping since day one is singing Diamond's two biggest and most recognizable audience-rousing hits. WOW. Could you make this kid a bigger whore? I'm dropping my format for this one, because I threw up in my mouth. This kid doesn't NEED to pander to the public with these songs. He's already got the 'Tween vote. In fact, his LAME versions of both songs probably lost him the tiny Non-Tween vote. But it doesn't matter, because the girly girls started texting his vote before the show even began. SOMEONE SAVE THIS POOR CHILD. He will already need therapy.
CONTESTANT: Syesha Mercado (Poor Man's Whitney)
SONGS: “Hello Again” & “Thank the Lord for the Night Time”
THE JUDGEMENT: "you'll be great on broadway but you're forgettable."
MY THOUGHTS: They threw Jade-son under the bus tonight, but they threw Syesha under the station wagon just in case Jade-son reveals himself to be superman. Of course, I'm rooting for Syesha to go home tonight - she's boring to me. Pretty good singer, finally doing the material she should have done from the beginning (very Phil Casey from last year) but no different from the 800 other RnB singers on my iPod that I can't tell apart.
DENOUMENT: In a desperate attempt to keep my interest in the show, I did something I have never done before: I voted - I voted for Jadeson SisterBoyfriend Castro for one hour. (I multitasked, no worries) I did this because I realized that I can't complain if I don't do something about it. Then I realized that my votes can be cast out by producers (their disclaimer at the end of the show!) and that my votes DON'T matter, so I CAN complain. So my votes were the last vestiges of hope I have that this show is actually about discovering new talent. I predict my hopes will be dashed tonight. But if those natty dreads survive another week, you can bet I'll be back to blog iTunes Top 100 week. My predictions for songs?
-David Cook - a rock version of Miley Cyrus' "See You Again" - he'll be praised for his innovative rock version. Then he'll sing Taylor Swift's "Our Song" in its full-fleged bubblegum country glory and be praised for his versatility
-David Archuleta - "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield because he IS a pocketful of sunshine, and "I'm in Love With a Girl" by Gavin DeGraw in a desperate attempt by the producers to keep the tweenies believing he loves them, when really he'll be twitching uncomfortably for the whole song as he sings to Ryan Seacrest
-Brooke White - "Don't Stop Believin'" which she'll have to start over when she accidently sings "Just a small town pearl..." and the Jonas Brothers "When You Look Me in the Eyes" in an attempt to get the 'Tween vote away from Archuleta
-Syesha Mercado - will sing Alicia Keyes "No One" and Jordin Sparks "Tattoo" because she's a glutton for punishment.
So last week I said if Jason got kicked off, I wouldn't watch, and he survived due to the "America's" shocking vote-off. I watched this week, and my faithfulness to him must mean I've gotten over the whole looks-like-Jade thing. Though from here on out, I will call him Sister-Boyfriend, or perhaps the more appropriate "Jade-son."
This week was Neil Diamond night. And man could I look forward to anything less? I am not a Neil Diamond fan. His voice sounds like a creepy man who seduces 15 year olds. Now, I have no proof - All I have is "Girl You'll Be A Woman Soon." Actually, in the mentoring, he seemed like a nice, noncreepy guy (he DID ask Syesha if he could give her a hug, but her boobs are so pendulous, I challenge any straight man not to request a hug). I don't love his songs - I dont understand the obsession with Sweet Caroline - I REALLY don't understand why its the Red Sox theme song. I DO love a good Neil Diamond impression. I can also say that he is a very iconic figure in the music industry, and that the Idols would have a lot to go up against in making his songs their own.
Because that's what the judges want, they want you to make your songs relevant and individual. Right? No wait, they like versatility in an actor and get bored if you do your same individual schtick each week. No wait, its a competition for the best VOCALIST. No wait, its a showcase for performers with PERSONALITY. No wait...
OK so I'm sure if you listened to the radio, you heard the biggest news of the night, and that was Paula Abdul's UBERtoasted f*ckup. The deal last night was, the contestants would sing two songs, and they would get critique from the judges after their second song. So they each sang a song, and Seacrest asked the judges for a QUICK commentary on the contestant's first song before they went into number two. And Paula says to Jason, "Ok okay gosh we've never had to write this down so fast, ok your first song I liked that you showed off your lower register, but your second song didn't make me believe you were serious about getting in the top four." This was after they'd only sung their first song. Thank you Paula for taking enough drugs that we now have confirmation that the judge's commentary is scripted, and it doesnt matter what the hell the contestants do.
But, for funsies, lets talk about the contestants anyhow!
CONTESTANT: Jade-son Sisterboyfriend (stoner dreads boy)
SONGS: "Forever in Blue Jeans" and "September Morn"
THE JUDGEMENT: Just OK, forgettable, criticized for not putting his own spin on the songs.
MY THOUGHTS: Alright, alright so this kid does the same thing every week - acoustic guitar song, pleasant voice and beat. But he has a very clear identity and taste, even if he isn't a SINGER. Damien Rice has been doing pretty well with this style (sub piano for guitar). And you know what? don't criticize him for "not making the song his own" when last week you drooled over David Cook's note-by-note schmaltzy "Music of the Night." Jason is faithful to his musical roots every week, and if that bores the judges and their scriptwriters, then maybe they should all work on America's Got Talent, where they have the Snapping Guy and The World's Fastest Costume Change to get them thru the "mundane." The show was rigged so much against this kid. The producers can all go and suck it.
CONTESTANT: David Cook (the "rock star" who I used to like)
SONGS: "I'm Alive" and "All I Really Need is You."
THE JUDGEMENT: "brilliant" (Simon) "molton hot lava dawg" (randy) "do me now while my buzz is still on" (who else)
MY THOUGHTS: The old Liz would have enjoyed, and perhaps lauded this young man for his rocktastic covers. The new Liz merely presses fast-forward while mocking his combover and Jack-Black-Wannabeeness. Clearly THIS guy is one they are gunning for the top.
FURTHER: Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on the contestants. They are most likely pawns in this game of Fox.
CONTESTANT: Brooke "I mess up songs so you'll feel bad for me" White ('70s Balladeer")
SONGS: “I Am … I Said” and “I’m a Believer”
JUDGEMENT: First song (Believer) was a "karaoke nightmare" and second song was "the brooke we love"
MY THOUGHTS: FIrst off, what is it with the mentors having no idea what the hell their songs are saying?? And both times with Brooke - last week, Andrew Lloyd Webber told Brook his song was a plea, when anyone who's heard the song knows its a realization. This week, Neil Diamond told her "hey in this song I sing how I'm from New York, but why don't you substitute your homestate of Arizona to make it your own?" Well this is a nice thought, except that the lyrics are now: "Well I'm Arizona born and raised/But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores" Actually....Arizona doesn't have a shoreline....and if it did...it would be the same as LA's...but....ok.
FURTHER: Brooke was fine, but she's lost her appeal to me. Tonight, to her credit, she didn't suffer one near-nervous-breakdown. However, she DID reveal that she'd written the lyrics to "I Am, I Said" on her palm, which would be really useful IF YOU WEREN'T PLAYING THE PIANO WHILE YOU SANG IT.
CONTESTANT: David "Jesus" Archuleta (Teen Mormon Superstar)
SONGS: "Sweet Caroline" and "America"
HOLD THE PHONE. STOP TEXTING AND HOLD THE PHONE. The Boy Wonder that Idol has been pimping since day one is singing Diamond's two biggest and most recognizable audience-rousing hits. WOW. Could you make this kid a bigger whore? I'm dropping my format for this one, because I threw up in my mouth. This kid doesn't NEED to pander to the public with these songs. He's already got the 'Tween vote. In fact, his LAME versions of both songs probably lost him the tiny Non-Tween vote. But it doesn't matter, because the girly girls started texting his vote before the show even began. SOMEONE SAVE THIS POOR CHILD. He will already need therapy.
CONTESTANT: Syesha Mercado (Poor Man's Whitney)
SONGS: “Hello Again” & “Thank the Lord for the Night Time”
THE JUDGEMENT: "you'll be great on broadway but you're forgettable."
MY THOUGHTS: They threw Jade-son under the bus tonight, but they threw Syesha under the station wagon just in case Jade-son reveals himself to be superman. Of course, I'm rooting for Syesha to go home tonight - she's boring to me. Pretty good singer, finally doing the material she should have done from the beginning (very Phil Casey from last year) but no different from the 800 other RnB singers on my iPod that I can't tell apart.
DENOUMENT: In a desperate attempt to keep my interest in the show, I did something I have never done before: I voted - I voted for Jadeson SisterBoyfriend Castro for one hour. (I multitasked, no worries) I did this because I realized that I can't complain if I don't do something about it. Then I realized that my votes can be cast out by producers (their disclaimer at the end of the show!) and that my votes DON'T matter, so I CAN complain. So my votes were the last vestiges of hope I have that this show is actually about discovering new talent. I predict my hopes will be dashed tonight. But if those natty dreads survive another week, you can bet I'll be back to blog iTunes Top 100 week. My predictions for songs?
-David Cook - a rock version of Miley Cyrus' "See You Again" - he'll be praised for his innovative rock version. Then he'll sing Taylor Swift's "Our Song" in its full-fleged bubblegum country glory and be praised for his versatility
-David Archuleta - "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield because he IS a pocketful of sunshine, and "I'm in Love With a Girl" by Gavin DeGraw in a desperate attempt by the producers to keep the tweenies believing he loves them, when really he'll be twitching uncomfortably for the whole song as he sings to Ryan Seacrest
-Brooke White - "Don't Stop Believin'" which she'll have to start over when she accidently sings "Just a small town pearl..." and the Jonas Brothers "When You Look Me in the Eyes" in an attempt to get the 'Tween vote away from Archuleta
-Syesha Mercado - will sing Alicia Keyes "No One" and Jordin Sparks "Tattoo" because she's a glutton for punishment.