I gots lots on my mind
So the last couple days have been good, but today was kind of rough. But first and foremost i would just like to thank absolutely everyone who has been good to me the last two weeks, and listened to my bullshit, and my tears, and my crazy ups and downs. You all mean the world to me!
As of right now im sitting here thinking about him, and wondering if he did well at the meet, and if he realizes that i care if he did well or not, or if he even cares whether or not i care. I guess it's still just hard trying to disect it all you know? I realize i'm putting far too much thought into this. It's been an entire week since i've talked to him... and i must admit that it is getting easier. And it's not that I love him any less, it's that I'm realizing I dont deserve to be treated like I dont exist after spending a year with someone and that no matter how much I love him right now, it's not worth fretting about. I've taken all pictures of us, of him, of anything that reminds me of him out of my room and asked someone else to hold them for me. And that's made it a lot easier, because I dont look up and see a picture of us when we were happy, and think... jesus, I wish we would still be happy together. I've also stopped wearing the ring he gave me, it's been a good three days since i've even looked at it. And that must be the one thing that has been making it the easiest to not think about him, it was just a constant reminder. I know i told him I'd never take it off, and I want to keep the promises I've made to him just because I still have respect for him and for everything we had, but it was just too hard, probably the same way he blocked me, because it was just too hard. And I still have people telling me I dont let him hang out with his friends, which to me is extremely FUCKED, because NEVER, NOT ONCE did i ever tell him not to hang out w. his friends, if ever that comment came out of one of our mouths it was HIS! And the fact that i have ZERO control over anything anymore is a big factor here! So i guess people saying that to me is still just kind of pissing me off! And now i'm at the point where Im not mad about it, IMPISSED about how all of it happened, because I realize i dont need to make fuckin excuses for him anymore. Just because I love him doesnt mean i have to still make sure everyone thinks hes fuckin awesome. I have no idea when I will be ready to talk to him, and I know that everything up above makes it sound like I'm ready but I'm not... I have these impulses where there have been times that I would have liked to be talking to him because something has happened that I know he'd find funny, or someone has done something that only he and I would think was completely fucked up and I wanted him to know about it... or, like the one time I've imed him this week saying goodluck... that was the one thing I know that I needed to say. I didnt want a response back, i just wanted him to know that someone cared and knows that he is amazing at everything he does. Thats not me kissing his ass, he really is fuckin sick at watever he is doing. Hopefully by the time our birthdays roll around we will be able to speak to eachother w.o either yelling number one, or crying number two.... Cus i have something that i really want to give him... Some poeple will tell me that I care too fuckin much, and that he deserves shit, others will think im just a stupid girl who is obsessed, but really there is a difference between being in love and obsession. Obsession is shoes, music, make up, shopping... not Nick. He's love.
But My friends have been really good about keeping him off of my mind, i've gotta say that I've NEVER watched so many movies in my entire life... except for when I've been at Warrens! lol... We've also just been doing stupid girly things like dying our hair! Dee and I have bonded a lot more over the last couple weeks, she's actually a really cool person and I love her!!!! We all went out this weekend on Friday night to Sig Ep and it was pretty damn sick! The little brother came up and partied with us, The night was pretty damn awsome... Dee and I danced on the bar for a good 45 minutes, but then Dee got some dirtbag taking a picture up her dress! But all in the all the party was pretty damnnn gooooood! Then jimmy went and got some of my friends, we didnt goto bed till easily 5 am! Jack hooked up with a real hottie. PROPS TO HER! HOLLER!!!!!!
As of right now im sitting here thinking about him, and wondering if he did well at the meet, and if he realizes that i care if he did well or not, or if he even cares whether or not i care. I guess it's still just hard trying to disect it all you know? I realize i'm putting far too much thought into this. It's been an entire week since i've talked to him... and i must admit that it is getting easier. And it's not that I love him any less, it's that I'm realizing I dont deserve to be treated like I dont exist after spending a year with someone and that no matter how much I love him right now, it's not worth fretting about. I've taken all pictures of us, of him, of anything that reminds me of him out of my room and asked someone else to hold them for me. And that's made it a lot easier, because I dont look up and see a picture of us when we were happy, and think... jesus, I wish we would still be happy together. I've also stopped wearing the ring he gave me, it's been a good three days since i've even looked at it. And that must be the one thing that has been making it the easiest to not think about him, it was just a constant reminder. I know i told him I'd never take it off, and I want to keep the promises I've made to him just because I still have respect for him and for everything we had, but it was just too hard, probably the same way he blocked me, because it was just too hard. And I still have people telling me I dont let him hang out with his friends, which to me is extremely FUCKED, because NEVER, NOT ONCE did i ever tell him not to hang out w. his friends, if ever that comment came out of one of our mouths it was HIS! And the fact that i have ZERO control over anything anymore is a big factor here! So i guess people saying that to me is still just kind of pissing me off! And now i'm at the point where Im not mad about it, IMPISSED about how all of it happened, because I realize i dont need to make fuckin excuses for him anymore. Just because I love him doesnt mean i have to still make sure everyone thinks hes fuckin awesome. I have no idea when I will be ready to talk to him, and I know that everything up above makes it sound like I'm ready but I'm not... I have these impulses where there have been times that I would have liked to be talking to him because something has happened that I know he'd find funny, or someone has done something that only he and I would think was completely fucked up and I wanted him to know about it... or, like the one time I've imed him this week saying goodluck... that was the one thing I know that I needed to say. I didnt want a response back, i just wanted him to know that someone cared and knows that he is amazing at everything he does. Thats not me kissing his ass, he really is fuckin sick at watever he is doing. Hopefully by the time our birthdays roll around we will be able to speak to eachother w.o either yelling number one, or crying number two.... Cus i have something that i really want to give him... Some poeple will tell me that I care too fuckin much, and that he deserves shit, others will think im just a stupid girl who is obsessed, but really there is a difference between being in love and obsession. Obsession is shoes, music, make up, shopping... not Nick. He's love.
But My friends have been really good about keeping him off of my mind, i've gotta say that I've NEVER watched so many movies in my entire life... except for when I've been at Warrens! lol... We've also just been doing stupid girly things like dying our hair! Dee and I have bonded a lot more over the last couple weeks, she's actually a really cool person and I love her!!!! We all went out this weekend on Friday night to Sig Ep and it was pretty damn sick! The little brother came up and partied with us, The night was pretty damn awsome... Dee and I danced on the bar for a good 45 minutes, but then Dee got some dirtbag taking a picture up her dress! But all in the all the party was pretty damnnn gooooood! Then jimmy went and got some of my friends, we didnt goto bed till easily 5 am! Jack hooked up with a real hottie. PROPS TO HER! HOLLER!!!!!!