comfort food= life. and quite the nice placebo
it's nice to know that ppl out there care. my dad told me i didn't have to make dinner after adrian left adn that instead, he would buy my some chinese food. i don't know what it is about chinese food that brings me so much comfort. maybe it's more of a force of habit now. whenever i got upset my dad would always get me chinese food adn maybe now i only associate it with a comfort food. adn this is me rambling on about chinese food so that i dont' think about all of the other shit that has occupied my mind.
my gut is telling me to get as far away as possible. that nothing good will come from this.
my brain is telling me to not get hurt anymore.
and my heart is telling me to stay and to love him and to show him that loving someoen is okay.
and i am just numb.
my life has been filled with double-edged swords. but such is love. you will either get hurt or you will hurt someone else. i guess i am jsut used to being hurt by ppl and i have coped with that better than beign the one causing the pain. i guess teh way he uses others to inflict pain on himself, is the same thign that i do. i let others hurt me as much as i can, but i have the power to stop them and i don't. he hurts others to feel pain. i guess the two are interchangable. we do it to ourselves. it's funny because the worst parts of me, are jsut like the worst parts of him. i have accepted this empty shell version of myself, but i will not embrace it like he does. why live your life liek that? you learn to accept the flaws, but why let the flaws govern your life. but hey, to each their own right? all i can do is live my life the way that works for me. i think that everythign happens for a reason. if i get hurt, it is because i was meant to get hurt. but when someone makes a life of hurting others, then how do you know if it was fate or not? again, that's me rambling on trying to make sense of all of this.
but seeing that horrid side of him, made him seem more perfect. he had seemed like this perfect being and i knew that he wasn't but i was just waiting for him to explode. it's like watching a ticking time bomb and you have no clue when it is going to go off. but i am glad it happened sooner than later. and i know for sure that another bomb will go off, and probably another. but that is teh price you pay when you want someone who has so mayn faces and so many walls, to open up to you.
yes things will never be the same. that could be good or bad. i will never be the same. that will either be more so good than bad or vice versa. but i guess i will be wiser. it sucks that we have to gain wisdom through painful experiences. it is those painful experiences that will make us jaded. i dont' want to be jaded. but here i am, venturing into something where the chances of pain are much greater than the chances of happiness. but hey, fight for love right? lol. i guess that's why i am getting that tattooed on my arm. truer words have never been spoken by myself.
only time will tell........
my gut is telling me to get as far away as possible. that nothing good will come from this.
my brain is telling me to not get hurt anymore.
and my heart is telling me to stay and to love him and to show him that loving someoen is okay.
and i am just numb.
my life has been filled with double-edged swords. but such is love. you will either get hurt or you will hurt someone else. i guess i am jsut used to being hurt by ppl and i have coped with that better than beign the one causing the pain. i guess teh way he uses others to inflict pain on himself, is the same thign that i do. i let others hurt me as much as i can, but i have the power to stop them and i don't. he hurts others to feel pain. i guess the two are interchangable. we do it to ourselves. it's funny because the worst parts of me, are jsut like the worst parts of him. i have accepted this empty shell version of myself, but i will not embrace it like he does. why live your life liek that? you learn to accept the flaws, but why let the flaws govern your life. but hey, to each their own right? all i can do is live my life the way that works for me. i think that everythign happens for a reason. if i get hurt, it is because i was meant to get hurt. but when someone makes a life of hurting others, then how do you know if it was fate or not? again, that's me rambling on trying to make sense of all of this.
but seeing that horrid side of him, made him seem more perfect. he had seemed like this perfect being and i knew that he wasn't but i was just waiting for him to explode. it's like watching a ticking time bomb and you have no clue when it is going to go off. but i am glad it happened sooner than later. and i know for sure that another bomb will go off, and probably another. but that is teh price you pay when you want someone who has so mayn faces and so many walls, to open up to you.
yes things will never be the same. that could be good or bad. i will never be the same. that will either be more so good than bad or vice versa. but i guess i will be wiser. it sucks that we have to gain wisdom through painful experiences. it is those painful experiences that will make us jaded. i dont' want to be jaded. but here i am, venturing into something where the chances of pain are much greater than the chances of happiness. but hey, fight for love right? lol. i guess that's why i am getting that tattooed on my arm. truer words have never been spoken by myself.
only time will tell........