Rhyme Stew by Roald Dahl (llustrated by Quentin Blake).
Title: Rhyme Stew.
Author: Roald Dahl (illustrated by Quentin Blake).
Genre: Literature, fiction, poetry, humour, satire, parody.
Country: U.K.
Language: English.
Publication Date: 1989.
Summary: A collection of 15 poems. In Dick Whittington and His Cat, based on popular folklore of Lord Mayor of London Whittington, hearing that the streets of London are paved with gold, simple Dick and his cat head to the capital, only to end up in a series of ludicrous, explosive misadventures, instead. St Ives, a parody of a popular puzzle nursery rhyme, is a couplet about a man with seven wives. A Hand in the Bird is a poem about an older woman who decides to remain a virgin, but the vicar has his own ideas. The Tortoise and the Hair is a parody of an Aesop's fable of the same name, in which both the contestants use the help of an ingenuous engineer who only has self-profit in mind. In The Price of Debauchery, a mother warns her daughter of the dangers of kissing silly boys. In Physical Training, the boy has a questionably intense private training session with his gym teacher. The Emperor's New Clothes is a parody of the fable, wherein the wise men of the country conspire to overthrow a tyrannical king with a little fashion whimsy. In A Little Nut-Tree, a parody of the nursery rhyme, a little girl looks for some nuts from a tree, in vain. In The Dentist and the Crocodile, a crocodile pays a very menacing visit to a very frightened dentist. In Hot and Cold, a woman takes off all her clothes in front of a little boy. In Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, a parody of the tale, Ali Baba learns a magic word that opens all locked doors, and immediately heads to the Ritz hotel, only to find out that rich people are extremely depraved. Hey Diddle Diddle, a parody of a nursery rhyme, is a poem about a couple of blokes that make questionable demands for their work. Mary, Mary, a parody of a nursery rhyme, is a couplet about Mary and her garden, which is too far away. In Hansel and Gretel, a parody of the fairy tale, two abandoned children must outsmart a cannibalistic lady in the forest. In Aladdin and the Magic Lamp, a parody of the folktale, Aladdin finds a magic lamp and makes a wish to become a mighty djinn, himself.
My rating: 8/10.
My review:
♥
Dick Whittington had oft been told
That London's streets were paved with gold.
"We'd better have a look at that,"
He murmured to his faithful cat.
♥ Why, Whittington had never seen
A house so marvellously clean,
Although, regrettably, his cat
Soon did some things to alter that.
♥ It is a fact that wealthy men
Do love to shoot things now and then.
They shoot at partridge, pheasant, grouse,
Though no so much inside the house.
♥
♥
And in the kitchen, washing up,
Dick jumps and breaks a precious cup.
This is a crime no decent cook
Could bring herself to overlook.
This cook, a brawny powerful wench,
Put Whittington across the bench
And systematically began
To beat him with a frying-pan
Which she had very quickly got
From off the stove, all sizzling hot.
♥ At that point, with an angry shout
Her Ladyship comes flying out.
(Although indeed she had been shot,
It wasn't in a vital spot.)
♥ Bow church has got a crazy vicar,
A famous and fantastic tricker,
A disco king, a hi-fi buff,
A whizz on electronic stuff.
He's rigged up speakers in the steeple
To fool dim-witted country people.
♥ "I think we'd make a nifty team,
With me the strawberries, you the cream."
The cat cries, "Dick, you do not want
To fool with Lady Hellespont!
These females from the upper-classes
Spend their knives in making passes!"
At this point, with a mighty roar,
Lord Hellespont bursts through the door.
He sees his wife. He lifts his gun,
The lady screams and starts to run.
Once more, with a colossal thump,
The grapeshot strikes her in the rump.
"Oh gosh!" Dick cries. "I do declare
That no one's bum seems safe in here!"
♥
And by the way, the man who told
That London's streets were paced with gold
Was telling dreadful porky-pies."
(That's cockney rhyming-slang for lies.)
The cat went on, "To me it seems
These streets are paved with rotten dreams.
Come home, my boy, without more fuss.
This lousy town's no place for us."
Dick says, "You're right," then sighs and mumbles,
"Well well, that's how the cookie crumbles."
~~from Dick Whittington and His Cat.
♥
As I was going to St Ives
I met a man with seven wives.
Said he, "I think it's much more fun
Than getting stuck with only one."
~~St Ives.
♥ I'm a maiden who is forty,
And a maiden I shall stay.
There are some who call me haughty,
But I care not what they say.
♥ When suddenly, I knew not why,
There came a funny feeling
Of something crawling up my thigh!
I nearly hit the ceiling!
I mouse! I thought. How foul! How mean!
How exquisitely tickly!
Quite soon I know I'm going to scream.
I've got to catch it quickly.
I made a grab. I caught the mouse,
Now right inside my knickers.
A mouse my foot! It was a HAND!
Great Scott! It was the vicar's!
~~from A Hand in the Bird.
♥
♥
♥ "Don't talk to me of how to run!
A hare can outpace anyone!"
The Tortoise said, "Although you're fast
I'm betting you you'll come in last.
And by the way, you might recall
Pride always comes before a fall."
The Hare was so convulsed with scorn
He nearly choked upon his corn.
♥ The Hare considered for a while,
Then answered with a knowing smile,
"That all seems eminently fair,"
And signed it with a flourish - Hare.
♥ The Rat was famous everywhere
As being a brilliant engineer,
But just like all the ratty clan
He was a crafty business man
And well-nigh guaranteed to rob
His customers on every job.
♥ The Rat said, "Ho! I do believe
There's something fishy up your sleeve.
It's obvious if the race was fair
You'd have no chance against the Hare.
In fact, however much you cheat,
You'll never never never beat
That speedy Hare. You are a dope
To think you have the slightest hope."
The Tortoise said, "There is, old Rat,
More ways than one to skin a cat."
Rat cried, "Be sensible, old man!
Look, even if I were to ram
A red-hot poker up your blaster,
You wouldn't travel any faster."
♥
This thrilling epoch-making race
Was by agreement taking place
Along the road beneath the hill
To finish by the barley-mill.
The Rat meanwhile had tipped a load
Of spiky nails across the road,
Then hid himself, when that was done,
Behind the hedge to see the fun.
Spectators all along the way
Had come to watch and shout hooray.
The field-mice, weasels, hedgehogs, stoats
And rabbits in their furry coats
All lines the route and waved their flags
And picnicked out of paper-bags.
♥ So just remember if you can,
Don't tangle with a business man.
It doesn't matter who you choose,
They always win, we always lose.
If you were here and I was there,
If you were Tortoise, I was Hare,
We'd both get diddled in the end
By people like our Ratty friend.
~~from The Tortoise and the Hair.
♥ My mother said, "There are no joys
In ever kissing silly boys.
Just one small kiss and one small squeeze
Can land you with some foul disease.
"But Mum, d'you mean from just a kiss?"
"You know quite well my meaning, miss."
♥
~~from The Price of Debauchery.
♥
Our gym-instructress, Miss McPhee,
When gym was over, said to me,
"Stay on, Bill Smith, I'll teach you things.
I'll make you better on the rings,
And after that let's reinforce
Your work upon the vaulting horse."
I stayed behind. She shut the door.
She'd never been so kind before.
She said, "So you can get it right
I'll have to hold you very tight."
She held me here, she held me there,
By gum, she held me everywhere.
She kindly taught me, after that,
To wrestle with her on the mat.
Oh! gosh, the things she taught to me,
Our gym-instructress, Miss McPhee!
~~Physical Training.
♥
But clothes are very dangerous things,
Especially for wealthy kings.
This King had gone to pot so fast,
His clothes came first, his people last.
One valet who was seen to leave
A spot of gravy on a sleeve
Was hung from rafters by his hair
And left forever dangling there.
Another who had failed to note
A fleck of dust upon a coat
Was ordered to be boiled alive,
A fate not easy to survive.
And one who left a pinch of snuff
Upon a pale-blue velvet cuff
Was minced inside a large machine
And reappeared as margarine.
Oh, what a beastly horrid King!
The people longed to do him in!
♥ The King said, "Where? Just tell me where."
"It's in my hands, o King, right here!"
The King yelled, tearing at his hair,
"Don't be an ass! There's nothing there!"
The tailor cried, "Hold on, I pray!
There's something I forgot to say!
Thus cloths' invisible to fools
And nincompoops and other ghouls.
For brainless men who're round the twist
This cloth does simply not exist!
But seeing how you're wise and bright,
I'm sure it glistens in your sight."
Now right on cue, exactly then,
In burst the dozen brainy men.
They shouted, "Oh, what lovely stuff!
We want some too! D'you have enough?"
Extremely calm, the tailor stands,
With nothing in his empty hands,
And says, "No, no! this gorgeous thing
Is only for my lord, the King."
The king, not wanting to admit
To being a proper royal twit
Cried out, "Oh, isn't it divine!
I want it all! It's mine! It's mine!
I want a ski-ing outfit most
So I can keep as warm as toast!"
♥
And now the clever Mister Ho
Put on the most terrific show
Of dressing up the naked King
In nothing - not a single thing.
♥ The Queen, just then, came strolling through
With ladies of her retinue,
They stopped. They gasped. There stood the King
As naked as a piece of string,
As naked as a popinjay,
With not a fig-leaf in the way,
He shouted, striking up a pose,
"Behold my marvellous ski-ing clothes!
These clothes will keep me toasty-warm
In hail or sleet or snow or storm!"
Some ladies blushed and hid their eyes
And uttered little plaintive cries.
But some, it seemed, enjoyed the pleasure
Of looking at the royal treasures.
A brazen wench cried, "Oh my hat!
Hey girls, just take a look at that!"
The Queen, who'd seen it all before,
Made swiftly for the nearest door.
♥
They shook their heads, so off he went,
A madman off on pleasure bent.
The crazy King put on his skis,
And now, oblivious to the freeze
He shot outdoors and ski'd away,
Still naked as a popinjay.
And thus this fool, so lewd and squalid,
In half an hour was frozen solid.
And all the nation cried, "Heigh-ho!
The King's deep-frozen in the snow!"
~~from The Emperor's New Clothes.
♥
~~from A Little Nut-Tree.
♥
♥
Just then, in burst a lady, in her hand a golden chain.
She cried, "Oh Croc, you naughty boy, you're playing tricks again!"
"Watch out!" the dentist shrieked and started climbing up the wall.
"He's after me! He's after you! He's going to eat us all!"
"Don't be a twit," the lady said, and flashed a gorgeous smile.
"He's harmless. He's my little pet, my lovely crocodile."
~~from The Dentist and the Crocodile.
♥
A woman who my mother knows
Came in and took off all her clothes.
Said I, not being very old,
"By golly gosh, you must be cold!"
"No, no!" she cried. "Indeed I'm not!
I'm feeling devilishly hot!"
~~Hot and Cold.
♥
A very decent Arab sport
Called Ali Baba (Al for short)
Was standing, so's to be polite,
Behind a tree and out of sight,
Performing with his normal tact
A very simple natural act.
♥ "It's magic!" Ali Baba screams.
"It's far beyond my wildest dreams!
I'll bet I'm able now, gee whizz,
To open any door there is!
Oh, what a power I possess!
Oh, what excitement and success!
But wait!" he said. "No need to shout!
Let's simmer down and think things out.
Young fools rush in, it's always said,
Where even angels fear to tread."
♥ And so, upon that selfsame day,
At midnight, Ali made his way
To London, which he knew quite well.
And thence into the Ritz Hotel.
(These days a well-dressed Arab gent
In flowing robes, on pleasure bent,
Is welcomed and is treated well
In every really good hotel.)
♥ A naked girl and some male freak
Were playing games of hide and seek.
While one man gobbled up a kipper,
His girl drank champagne from a slipper.
In one big bed there slept a goat,
A diamond necklace round his throat.
And in the honeymooners' suite -
What goings-on beneath the sheet!
As well as that, our hero saw
Some things he'd never seen before,
Fantastic sights both rich and rare
That no one's going to mention here.
Al could not quite believe his eyes.
"What's wrong," he gasps, "with all these guys?
The rich have most peculiar habits,
Less like humans, more like rabbits!"
♥ They surged into the passageway
In various states of disarray,
Some naked as the day is long,
With absolutely nothing on,
The naughty girls, their virile beaus,
None of them wearing any clothes,
And then the goat came out as well,
Bringing the most appalling smell.
One man yelled out, "There's burglars here!"
And fired a pistol in the air.
A millionairess in the nude
Had to be forcibly subdued.
She cried, "My emerald bracelet's gone!
I know quite well I had it on!"
Old men, astounded at their luck,
Forgot themselves and ran amok.
Plump thighs were tweaked and bottoms pinched,
And finally a duke was lynched.
Such chaos in the corridor
No one had ever seen before!
~~from Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.
♥ Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
"I live with my brat in a high-rise flat,
So how in the world would I know."
~~Mary, Mary.
♥
The father said, "Well, what's to do?
We can't just flush them down the loo."
To which the mother answered, "No,
They're much too big. They wouldn't go."
"What if," the father said, "they fell,
Quite accidentally, down the well?"
"Oh no," Mum said, "I doubt we oughta,
It might pollute the drinkin' water.
I thin it's better, on the whole,
To take them for a little stroll
And lose them in among the trees.
Now surely that's a better wheeze?"
"Let's do it!" Dad cried out. "And then
We'll never see the pigs again!"
♥
♥
When all at once the youth espied
A funny little snow-white bird
Who spoke as follows, word for word:
"Come follow me, you troubled things,
I'll take you on my silver wings
To safety, to a lovely place
Where you can live in peace and grace!"
♥ She then serves up the second treat,
A very curious roast of meat,
All sizzling hot and crispy brown.
The happy children wolf it down.
The hostess says, "Do have some more.
I doubt you've tasted this before."
Young Hansel asks her, "Is it lamb?
Or is it beef or is it ham?
Whate'er it is, I must admit
It's awfully tender, isn't it?"
The woman said, "This special meat
S'the only kind I like to eat."
Then Gretel says, "I'll make a bid -
This meat is either goat or kid."
The woman says, "Well, no-o-o and yes-s-s,
I must say kid's a clever guess."
She smiled and chewed and chewed and smiled
And looked so innocent and mild.
♥
Stable? they wondered, turning pale.
The place looked like a sort of jail
With bars and bolts and horrid things
Like manacles and iron rings.
The woman said, "Go in and look,
It's such a cosy little nook."
♥ (The Brothers Grimm who wrote this story
Made it a thousand times more gory.
I've taken out the foulest scene
In order that you won't turn green.
It is beyond me how it came
To merit such enormous fame.
Did parents really, in those days,
Agree to read such gruesome plays
To little children in the night?
And did they never die of fright?
It might have been okay, who knows,
If there'd been humour in the prose.
Did I say humour? Wilhelm Grimm?
There's not a scrap of it in him.)
I'll cut the grizzly ending short,
But even so I think I ought
To tell you gently what came next.
I'll make it brief so don't be vexed.
Just when the stove is nice and hot
And water's boiling in the pot
(The pot's for boiling Hansel in,
The stove for crisping up is skin),
Young Gretel in her pinafore
Flings open wide and over door.
"The fire is going out!" she cried.
The woman pokes her head inside
And Gretel with a springy jump
Takes aim and kicks her on the rump.
She totters forward, in she goes
Head first, and last of all her toes.
Now Gretel with a gleeful roar
Slams shut the open oven door.
The temperature inside, she sees,
Is just on four-five-o degrees,
And soon this red-hot over heat
Gives out the smell of roasting meat.
♥
"Hansel!" she shouts. "We're free at last!
The foul old dame is roasting fast!"
Young Hansel cried, "Oh, well done you!
Oh, what a splendid thing to do!
But then again, you must admit
You always liked to cook a bit."
~~from Hansel and Gretel.
♥
A very wicked old Chinese
Called Jock MacFaddin, if you please
(His father may have been a Scot,
His mother certainly was not),
Had found while snooping on the sly
A secret cave outside Shanghai.
Excitedly he peered inside,
His eyeballs popped, he jumped and cried,
"Great heaven's above! Well, I'll be dashed!
This cave is absolutely stashed
With gorgeous gleaming precious jewels!
I wonder why those Chinese fools
Have not gone in and grabbed the lot.
Cripes, what a fortune I have got!"
The cave was huge in solid rock,
And standing there, old Chinese Jock
Espied amidst the murk and damp
A most unusual little lamp.
This lamp gave out a lovely glow
And Jock MacFaddin wasn't slow
To realise that those must be
The magic lamp that nobody
For centuries had ever found
Although they knew it was around.
♥ He'd turn his landlord, Kung Egg Nog,
Into an ugly jumping frog.
He'd have the emperor O No Go
Incinerated nice and slow,
And as for Mister How U paid
In every single game they played.
And now this Scottish-Chinese knave
Moved softly through the murky cave.
Over the pearls and gold he stepped
And on towards the lamp he crept.
And just as he reached out a hand
To grab it quickly off its stand
A ghoulish snarling ghastly sound
Came up from somewhere underground,
Then slimy tendrils tugged his coat
And tried to fasten round his throat.
An icy wind swept through the cave.
Then darkness darker than the grave.
And now a voice was heard to shout,
"Get out, you filthy thief, get out!
No half-Chinese half-Scottish scamp
Is going to steal this magic lamp!"
Jock's liver and his gizzards froze,
Two bony fingers tweaked his nose.
He screamed, he ran with all his power
And did not stop for half an hour.
♥ So finally, like all great thinkers
Who also happen to be stinkers,
He hit upon that ancient creed,
The changeless motto of his breed:
"Why not get someone else to do
Your dangerous dirty work for you."
♥
♥ Aladdin said, "What if I meet
Some brute that thinks I'm good to eat?
A Gorgon or a Hippogriff?
A Doodlewhang, a Boodlesniff?
There's lots of dangerous things around
In murky caverns underground."
Jock whispered lecherous and low
"Now, if you really want to know,
The only dangerous things down there
Are dancing-girls with bottoms bare.
I think you might enjoy a fling
With some curvaceous little thing."
Aladdin yelled, "That's what I crave!"
And shot into the giant cave.
♥
He touched it gingerly and WHAM
There was the most almighty BANG
And suddenly in clouds of smoke
Appeared the most amazing bloke,
A sort of genie or a djinn,
An ugly brute with scarlet skin
And purple tassels in his hair
And nothing on but underwear.
♥ Aladdin said, a trifle comic,
"If you're a djinn then where's the tonic?
"The djinn yelled with a mighty shout,
"You think I'm joking! Try me out!"
Aladdin said, "Oh mighty djinn,
Although my hopes are pretty thin,
My only wish, I tell you true,
Is to become a djinn like you!"
..Aladdin cried, "Believe you me,
I promise you I want to be
A magic disappearing djinn
Who disappears both out and in.
I want a little lamp like yours.
I want to go to distant shores."
♥ Aladdin felt as though his belly
Was being filled with boiling jelly,
As if his blood was being dried,
As though his flesh was being fried,
As if his body and his soul
Were cooking in a casserole,
As if the whole of him, no less,
Was in a mighty trouser-press,
His nails, his teeth, his bones, his skin
Were being squished and squashed so thin,
Until, just like a wind-blown feather,
He disappeared altogether.
Aladdin of the Magic Lamp
Had gone into the other camp,
He had become a mighty djinn,
A wondrous being who could spin
Around the world in half a shake
Dispensing magic in his wake.
♥ He once allowed an English scamp
To touch and rub his magic lamp.
The man said, "Oh I beg, I pray,
Please help me with this lousy play.
I'm finding it extremely hard
This struggle to become a bard."
Aladdin helped him with the plot.
Will Shakespeare murmured, "Thanks a lot."
Another time a little child
Who was no more than four or five
Said, "Help me please compose some bars
Of music that will reach the stars."
Aladdin took is hand and said,
"I'll sprinkle star-dust on your head."
All sorts of symphonies and things
Came pouring out on silver wings.
Aladdin's lamp had made him play,
And Wolfgang Mozart cried, "Hooray!"
This sort of marvellous magic wheeze
S'been going on for centuries.
Aladdin suddenly appears
(Not more than once in fifty years)
But when he does, oh boy, oh then
Great genius is born again.
Just think, next time he passes through,
The lucky person might be you.
~~from Aladdin and the Magic Lamp.
