How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith.
Title: How to Survive a Horror Movie: All the Skills to Dodge the Kills
Author: Seth Grahame-Smith.
Genre: Non-fiction, how-to, humour, parody, film.
Country: U.S.
Language: English.
Publication Date: 2007.
Summary: Did you know that a sudden drop in temperature, causing exhaled moisture to condense and become visible, is a telltale harbinger that a pissed-off ghost is nearby and about to wreck horrific vengeance on you? This is just one of the countless life-saving tips offered by this must-read guide for horror fans, film buffs, and cemetery caretakers. The book celebrates the chilling omens and outrageous plot points that make horror movies great-and it just might keep you alive.
My rating: 6.5/10
My review:
♥ There's something I've been meaning get off my chest. Something that's been eating away at my conscience for decades now. And I'll admit, it's not easy to write without getting a little choked up...
...I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to the countless people whose lives I've cut short. The characters who've become unwilling sacrifices to my art: The buxom babysitters. The doubting cops. The overbearing parents and well-intentioned boyfriends. Teens with their whole lives ahead of them. Decent, hardworking adults. All sent to an early grave in the name of box-office gold.
Some made my job a little trickier-valiantly struggling to make it to the end credits. Others did everything but cut their own throats-running upstairs when they should've run out of the house; falling asleep when their lives depended on staying awake.
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't taken pleasure in dreaming up ways to kill them. Disemboweling them. Beheading them. Burning them, shooting them, and crushing them in garage doors. I've tortured young girls in Last House on the Left. Picked off an entire family one by one in The Hills Have Eyes. Created a child-murdering monster with the powers to kill people in their dreams.
I've built a career on the blood of innocents, and I guess the guilt's finally caught up with me.
Sure, I've tried to make amends before. Tried to give my characters a fighting chance. New Nightmare was thew first step toward self-aware horror movie characters. Scream went a step further. For the first time, we had people who knew they were in a horror movie. Even better, they were armed with knowledge of the rules.
And yet they died.
No matter what I do, no matter how much of a head start I give them, it seems my characters always end up on the wrong end of a long knife. And while I'm happy that somebody's finally written a guide to helping them survive, I wonder how much good it'll really do.
Death finds a way.
~~Foreword by Wes Craven.
♥ Horror movie characters aren't killed by machete-wielding monsters or reincarnated psychopaths-they're killed by ignorance. Ignorance of the mortal danger they're in. Of the butcher lurking in every shadow. Of the new rules.
Ignorance of the fact that they're in a horror movie.
♥ Does everything look slightly grainy? This could indicate that you're being shot on film. Or that you're developing cataracts. Either way, not good.
Is it poorly lit? Is everything bathed in bright blue light even though it's supposed to be nighttime? Are there shadowy corners that you should be able to see into but can't?
What is the set decoration like? Can you see children's sidewalk chalk drawings that should've washed away ages ago? Is everything suddenly covered in cobwebs or rust? Is there a thin layer of smoke on the ground for no reason?
..Are you speaking Japanese? According to the laws of early twenty-first century cinema, anyone speaking Japanese is in a horror movie.
Are you on surveillance footage? If everything around you is in black-and-white and looks like low-resolution video shot from a fixed camera mounted on a pole or in the corner of the ceiling, you're likely part of some "found footage" that documented something horrible.
♥ Determine if you fit any of the classic horror movie character stereotypes:
A "The Nice Guy with the Monosyllabic First Name"
B "The Slutty Goth Chick"
C "The Virginal Cop's/Priest's/Richest Man in Town's Daughter"
D "The Nerd" (or "Nebbish Jew")
E "The Congenial Fat Guy" (or "Deputy")
F "The Sex-Crazed A-Hole" (or "Italian")
G "The Black Guy Who Buys It 20 Minutes In"
H "The Black Guy's Girlfriend Who Buys it 24 Minutes In"
♥ Motivation. If you (or your friends) feel strangely compelled to do any of the following, you're definitely in a horror movie:
† Dig up a coffin to "make sure" something's really dead.
† Harass a hobo or intellectually disabled child.
† Play with a Ouija board or read from a dusty old book.
† Have sex in that house where that guy killed his whole family.
† Carve a crucifix into your face with a rusty screwdriver.
♥ But how can you be sure? Here are a few sequel warning signs:
∆ You're attending a nondescript college in an unidentified state, and your friends keep saying things like, "Can you believe we're in college now?"
∆ You have shaky, black-and-white flashbacks of someone else's unhappy childhood.
∆ Jamie Lee Curtis is your mother.
∆ You're in space.
∆ You're in 3-D.
∆ You have the oddest feeling that you're only here for the money.
♥ An isolated/dilapidated house. If you're a young female alone in the house, all sings point to a slasher. If you're joined by friends or relatives, it's a haunted house. If the windows and doors are boarded up, there are about 7,000 zombies outside waiting to feast on your brains.
A summer camp. You're in a slasher movie.
Deep space. You're either in a really well-made alien flick or a nauseatingly bad, late-in-the-series slasher flick.
The Midwestern United States. Hard to tell. This could be anything from a non-supernatural slasher to an evil vehicle rampage. However, if your friend finds a meteorite in the woods, you should probably shoot him in the face and burn his body. Just to be safe.
A constantly overcast city. Urban horror movies are almost always Satanic in nature. Curses and demons should be high on your list of concerns.
Western Europe. You're in a werewolf movie.
Eastern Europe. You're in a vampire movie.
..† A cat jumps out of every door, cabinet, window, over, washing machine, jar, or tube of toothpaste you open. Subgenre: slasher.
† Bibles burst into flames if they're brought within reach of your child. Subgenre: the Devil.
♥ C.R.A.V.E.N. (Cover, Recon, Arsenal, Vehicle, Escape, North)
..Remember, the C.R.A.V.E.N. steps are strictly temporary-a way to stop the bleeding before the real surgery begins. Unless you're being chased by vampires, in which case you can just stay put till morning.
♥ Take cover. Running around in a panic is the fastest way to end up with a machete in your back. What you need right now in a temporary headquarters-a place to wipe the sweat from your brow, take a pull off the old asthma inhaler, and formulate your plans. Some of the best places to do that:
Good ol' everyday houses. Though not ideal fortresses, the average two-story house is almost always the closest option. If you're already in one, great. If not, run into the first one you see (if there's a family inside, even better-they'll call the cops, and horror villains tend to scatter when the cops arrive). Go to the highest floor, check all the closets, look under the beds, and use whatever you can to barricade the doors and windows.
Water towers. If your movie takes place in a small Midwestern town, this might very well be the tallest structure around. If you can get to the top, you'll have a highly defensible (there's only that one long ladder to worry about) perch with a 360-degree bird's-eye view of the battlefield. Even better, the available water supply will allow you to stay longer if you have to.
Churches. While the power of Christ won't stop all forms of evil (zombies are notorious agnostics), it'll slow down most demons, supernatural slashers, or vampires that happen to be on your trail. Even better, churches tend to have fewer exits to cover and plenty of pews to use for blockades. Lead-lined stains glass windows are tough to break through, and many churches have spires or bell towers that serve as great vantage points.
♥ Head North. In terrorverse America, it's always better to be north of wherever you are. If you're in Maine, you'll soon reach the safety of (98 percent horror-free) Canada (ditto if you're in the creepy videotape-laden Pacific Northwest). If you're in the desolate Southwest, you'll be playing slots in Vegas before dawn. If you're on an alien-infested Pennsylvania farm, you'll be in Upstate New York-where few horror movies take place, since everyone forgets it's there. So put the car in "D," point the compass to "N," and get the "F" out of there.
♥ In the Church of Latter Day Horror movies, however, there's a different set of seven deadly sins, and only one punishment..
1st: Doubt.
..2nd: Machismo. The jock who thinks his football skills are enough to defeat the reincarnated serial killer. The redneck who intends to show that vampire how they do things in Texas. The soldier who's taken on aliens way scarier than this one. All tough, all dead. Remember, fellow males-in horror movies, testosterone might as well be cyanide.
..The worst of all the machismo sinners is the abusive husband or boyfriend. If you mistreat a woman in a horror film, there's no book that can save you from you well-deserved, imminent, and audience-pleasing death.
..3rd: Independence. Have you ever seen that documentary about wildebeests? The one where it's nothing but slow-motion footage of then getting torn apart by lions and crocodiles? Great, isn't it? Funny how the predators always seem to kill the animals that are on the outer edges of the herd. The ones who are either too slow or too stupid to draw strength from their numbers. This is not a coincidence.
"Screw you guys, I'm going home." Actually, you're going about a third of the way home, at which point (after you've heard the second or third twig snap behind you) you decide that maybe this wasn't such a hot idea. But by then it's too late. As panic takes hold, you break into a jog... then a sprint, and then-oh, I won't spoil it for you.
"C'mon you guys, this isn't funny." No, it sure isn't. Maybe you shouldn't have gotten distracted and wandered away from the others. Oh, and by the way, you have about four seconds to live.
"We can cover more ground if we split up." You forgot to add "with blood" between "ground" and "if."
4th: Ugliness. Nobody said horror movies were fair. That goes double for people with acne, glasses, or cottage cheese in the seat. You see, in the "everybody's a teen model except the funny fat guy" world of horror movies, it's a sin to be anything less than drop-dead gorgeous. And while it's true that even the hottest of hotties sometimes gets disposed of, it's usually because he or she engages in one of the other deadly sins. It's rare that someone is killed for good looks alone. On the pother hand, ugly people could put on body armor, lock themselves in a padded room buried beneath a mountain, and surround themselves with armed guards, and they'd still get wasted before the one-hour mark.
5th: Curiosity. Have you ever been in a theater when the girl (in the movie) hears a strange noise and decides to see where it's coming from? Notice how everyone in the audience starts tensing up as she climbs the stairs? That's because they know one of the basic horror movie equations:
Investigation = mutilation.
..6th: Irresponsibility. If you're supposed to be guarding the door, then guard the door. Don't wander off to take a leak. If you're supposed to be watching the kids, don't do bong hits with your headphones on. If you're supposed to wake your friend up at the first sign of a bad dream, don't fall asleep. How hard is that? In a horror movie, if you accept a task and fail to carry it out, either you or someone close to you is going to die.
† "Aw, what's a little nap gonna hurt?" A lot.
† "Trust me, the kids are sound asleep." No, the kids are dead.
† "How come I always get the crappy jobs?" Because you're an idiot, and you're about to prove that fact by failing miserably at the simple task you were assigned.
7th: Vehicular Sex. Everybody knows the old adage above sex in horror movies: Do it and die. Well, yes and no. While it's certainly advisable to keep it in your pants while visiting the Terrorverse, there are plenty of people who have sex and live to brag about it. That's because they copulate in the comfort of their own homes, or the privacy of a respectable massage parlor. Because they avoid the one kind of nasty that's guaranteed to result in death: vehicular sex. The kind counselors have when they steal the equipment van and drive into the woods. The kind the prom king and queen have in the school parking lot. In the real world, sex and cars make great bedfellows. But in the horror world, when someone asks for a long, hard rod in their trunk, hand them the tire iron.
♥ 10 Places to Never, Ever, Ever Go Under Any Circumstances:
1. Rooms lit by a single hanging light bulb.
2. Rooms lit by nothing.
3. Any graveyard that isn't Arlington National Cemetery.
4. Summer camps whose annual counselor murder rate exceeds 10 percent.
5. Maine.
6. "The old _____."
7. Hotels/motels that aren't part of giant international chains.
8. Upstairs.
9. Downstairs.
10. Any log cabin anywhere on the face of the earth.
♥ Un-clique yourself. When screenwriters craft their cliché-laden horror scripts, they might think, "Hey, what about a funny fat guy?" or "Hey, a pissy Goth chick would be perfect here." But they almost never think, "Hey, I need a totally nondescript character that's hard for my largely teenaged audience to categorize."
Bingo. Your goal is to be a human chunk of tofu-something that mixes well with everything but remains completely uninteresting (or unappetizing, your pick) on its own. This can be largely accomplished with a new dress code.
♥ Be nice to everybody. And that means everybody-from the biggest bullying dickhead to the lowliest headgear-wearing mouth-breather, no matter how you're treated in return. It has nothing to do with the Golden Rule, and everything to do with staying alive. Remember this: The Terrorverse abhors an asshole, and sooner or later, it finds a way of wiping them from existence.
♥ THE GAMESMAN. How to Identify Them: Gamesmen aren't satisfied with old-fashioned murder-they need to make you endure the unthinkable: kill your best friend or mutilate your own body, for instance. They spend incredible amounts of time planning their schemes, which almost always begin by drugging and kidnapping their victims, waiting for them to wake up chained to something, and taunting them over an intercom. Next comes the "just to show you how serious I am" display of violence, followed by the "if you want to live, you're going to have to [insert complex/terrifying task here]." Naturally, the promise of earned freedom is always a lie. Their weapons of choice are overbuilt torture devices and surgical instruments, and their primary habitats are urban warehouse districts.
How to Defeat Them: Play dumb. Ask for an explanation every time you're given an order, no matter how basic it is. If you're told to cut off your own hand with a pocket knife, as, "Which attachment do you suggest?" Or "Should I start with the fingers and work my way up, take it off at the wrist, or what?" The Gamesman gets his kicks by playing God. Stupid questions force him down to your level-the last place he wants to be. If you're able to get him flustered enough, he might make that one mistake that allows you to escape. Or put a .45 in your skull. Either way, the joke's on him. Who's gonna play his stupid game now, huh?
♥ Until recently, Europe was a fairly safe place for students to blow off steam between semesters. With the exception of England (werewolves) and countries ending in -ania (vampires), the worst you might encounter were haunted castles that, to be honest, were more charming than scary. But with more horror films choosing Europe as their location, those colloquial haunts are fast becoming nightmarish bloodbaths. Today's backpackers have to be on the lookout for human traffickers, dog-killing psychopaths, even spell-casting preteens. Australia is almost becoming increasingly dangerous for foreigners. There was a time when meeting a knife-wielding loner from the Outback was the prelude to a fish-out-of-water romantic comedy. These days, it's fatal.
But the most dangerous international destination for Western travelers is Japan. With so many horror flicks coming out of the land of the rising sun, it's best to treat the entire island as on gigantic cemetery. The only place you're safe is in the heart of Tokyo, which (so far) seems reserved for coming-of-age romances, street racing movies, and OH GOD a giant fire-breathing lizard!
♥ Things you did last summer that aren't movie-worthy:
∆ Cheat on your diet.
∆ Sneak store-bought candy into a movie theater.
∆ Have sex on the football field.
∆ Pool hop.
∆ Use illegal P2P file-sharing networks.
Things you did last summer that are movie-worthy:
∆ Cover up a manslaughter.
♥ Check your curiosity at the door. What I really mean is stupidity. Check your stupidity at the door. Here are three situations you might face during a night of babysitting, each with the (soon to be dead) "curious" person's and the (might make it to the end credits) "incurious" person's response:
One of the windows is rattling.
Curious: You decide to check it out, despite the fact that yous swear you remember closing it.
Incurious: You set fire to the house, abandon the kids, and run home screaming.
The children disappear.
Curious: Panicked, you search every nook of the house while calling out their names.
Incurious: You continue reading your Bible and wait for them to turn up.
Someone knocks on the door, asking to use the phone to report an accident.
Curious: You open the door a crack to get a better look at the stranger.
Incurious: You empty a full clip through the door, reload, open it, and empty another clip into whomever or whatever is lying motionless on the front porch.
♥ Believe it or not, the world record for going without sleep is held by a teenager named Randy Gardner. In 1964, he stayed awake for 264 straight hours-exactly 11 days.
♥ Try to jump start a montage. What's the easiest way to stay awake for a week? Make it fly by in the span of a single upbeat song. Musical montages aren't common in the horror universe, but they aren't out of the question either. After all, this is still a movie-and in movies, it's possible to condense lots of events and time into a short series of illustrative shots, one dissolving into the next. Since these shots are rarely accompanied by dialogue, they're usually set to music-a song that'll boost sales of the soundtrack, for instance.
So how do you force the filmmakers into using one? Easy. There are two main categories of montage: the Prep and the Honeymoon. The Prep follows a character as he or she studies or trains for some nearly impossible task-usually a school test or sporting event.
The Honeymoon tracks a relationship through its early days-holding hands in the park, painting their first apartment (oh look, they're splashing paint on each other!), and so on.
Therefore, there are two main methods of jumpstarting a montage:
Start a new romance. Don't be picky. You're not choosing a life partner, just someone who'll stick with you through a Mariah Carey ballad.
Get in way over your head. If you've never thrown a punch before, sign up for a boxing match. If you're on the shallow end of the IQ pool, challenge a Nobel laureate to a battle of wits. In other words, totally screw yourself into spending the next five minutes of the movie in a series of gyms or libraries.
♥ Confirm that the house is haunted. Just because your zip code is 00666 doesn't mean you have to run screaming every time a floorboard creaks. Even in the Terrorverse, sometimes a strange noise is just a strange noise. On the other hand, sometimes it's a portal to a dimension of unspeakable evil.
To help homeowners tell the difference, two professors at the University of Eastern West Berlin (Drs. Brenton Sabellico and Eric Dugre) came up with their famous questionnaire of the 10 Questions in 1964. Homeowners simply circle "Yes" or "No" after each question. If you answer "Yes" to three or more of these questions, we can conclude beyond any reasonable doubt that your house is haunted Proceed to step 2 immediately.
1. Do the faucets or showerheads bleed?
2. Did the previous owners die as the result of a murder or suicide?
3. Does furniture rearrange itself when you aren't looking?
4. When you reach into the refrigerator, does your arm appear in another part of the house?
5. Are there Civil War-era children playing in your attic?
6. Does the house issue verbal or written warnings?
7. Does the temperature suddenly plummet if you discuss remodeling?
8. Do you feel more compelled to murder your family with an ax than usual?
9. Are Native Americans constantly showing up to ask, "What happened to our cemetery?"
10. Does the house contain any candelabras?
♥ Inside a haunted house, moving along the Y axis gets you killed.
If you're upstairs, do not go downstairs. If you're downstairs, do not go upstairs. Zigzag to your heart's content. Run around in circles. Whatever you do, maintain altitude. If you're on the second floor of a haunted house, crash through the nearest window. In fact, do the same thing if you're on the first floor. Yes, you'll probably get hurt. But cuts and bruises are better than having your soul sucked into purgatory with a bunch of dead people who lost their road map to Hell.
♥ Do not go back inside. If you do manage to escape, don't look back. Keep running, no matter how many screams echo through the night and no matter how fun it might be to watch the house fold itself into a point of light no bigger than the period at the end of this sentence. Never, ever go back.
Unless it's for the dog.
♥ ..2. Jump perpendicular to the direction of the vehicle. Don't fling yourself under the rear tires, which would be counterproductive to your survival.
3. Aim for a forgiving landing site. Grass, sand, and tall brush are more preferable to pavement. Anything's preferable to a tree trunk.
4. Tuck and roll. As you fly through the air, pull your arms, legs, and head close to your chest. When you hit the ground, roll to dissipate the energy of your impact.
♥ 10 Things to Never, Ever, Ever Put in a Child's Room:
1. Any representation of a clown. Whether it's stuffed, painted, or otherwise.
2. Indoor play tents. Anything that obstructs the child's view of the room (or your view of the child) is a no-no.
3. Windows. In horror movies, windows are things that kids get snatched out of by vampires and scary trees.
4. Doors. Does this sound familiar? You hear the children screaming and run to their room, only to have the door slammed in your face by whatever ghost is about to eat their soul.
5. One of those toy monkeys that bang cymbals together. These serve absolutely no purpose other than coming to life when something scary is about to happen.
6. Framed photographs of dead relatives. Or photographs of any dead people, for that matter. Even Abe Lincoln or Mother Teresa.
7. Ouija boards. Come on.
8. Any crucifix featuring an open-eyed Jesus. Directors love cutting to "creepy-pupils Jesus" to build dramatic tension. Don't hand them an invitation.
9. Beds with more than four inches between then box spring and floor. The bed's legs should also be chained to the floor, and younger kids should sleep wearing a climbing harness tethered to a secured steel cable (in case of an attempted spiritual abduction).
10. Closets. What are you, crazy? Nail the door shut and buy a dresser.
♥ Some inanimate objects are always bad: classic American cars, intricately decorated boxes that may or may not open portals to Hell, and anything that gives its owner godlike powers.
♥ But what about objects that don't fall under the "automatically evil" umbrella? Apply this check-list.
1. Are Nazis looking for this object? If Der Führer wants it, it can't be good.
2. Determine the country or region of origin. "You can take the item out of the evil, but you can't take the evil out of the item. Some parts of the horror globe (and galaxy) are particularly good at churning out dangerous artifacts and wicked trinkets. If your object's "Made in..." label ends with any of the following places, exercise extreme caution:
Egypt.According to Hollywood, every last pebble in the Nile Valley is a gateway to some ancient evil. So remember, "If it comes from a tomb, it leads to doom."
Sub-Saharan Africa. It's widely accepted that all African villages have demons that spend their time possessing young local girls. Therefore, any hand-crafted souvenirs (especially tribal masks) from that continent are likely carrying some residual evil.
The Southwestern United States and Central Mexico. Any arrow-heads, gold charms, or wood carvings you find in these regions are usually vessels for Indian or Aztec curses.
The Caribbean. In the eyes of Hollywood screenwriters, everything in the Caribbean is tainted with Voodoo.
Outer space. Objects from space are universally bad for horror movie humans. They're either carrying (1) space flu, (2) alien eggs/parasites, or (3) flesh-eating hairballs.
..5. Check for telltale "evil object" features. Such as:
Unnecessary faces. Evil objects are often decorated with faces that serve no purpose other than being scary. Door knockers. Banisters. Canes. If it's something the director can show in close-up to build tension, it's probably evil.
An overly complex, puzzle-like locking mechanism. Why the ridiculously overengineered locks? The longer it takes for something to open after the key is turned, the more suspense.
Words from a nonexistent language. How do you know if the language is nonexistent? Easy. If you can't read it, it doesn't exist.
Human skin. Anything that's covered in human skin (other than humans) is always evil.
An ominous name. The Necronomicon, The Lament Configuration, www.icleanmyteethusingyoursoul.evil-do these sound like things that anyone should mess with?
♥ Nothing's more painful than losing a child, except losing a child, having that child turn into a zombie, and having to kill that zombie child with your bare hands.
♥ Shoot first, never bother asking questions. If something moves, shoot it. Either you've just dropped a zombie that was headed toward the smell of your tasty brains, or you've killed an innocent old lady laying a wreath on her husband's grave. Either way, give yourself a pat on the back. You did the right thing. Bury her, burn the wreath, and sleep well knowing it's better to be wrong than dead.
♥ Anyone who's killed by a zombie ought to be ashamed of themselves. It's the equivalent of a fighter jet being blown out of the sky with a Nerf dart. Humans are superior to zombies in every imaginable way: We're faster, smarter, stronger, more adaptable, and better looking. And yet, in zombie movies, our so-called heroes hole themselves up in a highly vulnerable location at the first sign of a limper. They sit around scratching their heads and getting hysterical while an army of the dead amasses outside instead of simply planning a counterattack. ..If you're trapped in a movie that puts you against a partially decomposed, laughably uncoordinated enemy, don't retreat: defeat.
♥ Don't be a sucker. It's a movie rule that dates back to the Truman era: When aliens come to Earth en masse, they do not come in peace. Ever. No matter what olive branch they offer in one purple hand, they're concealing a ray gun in the other. One alien? No problem. You've got yourself the makings of a fine coming-of-age movie. More than one alien? It's a full-scale attack. Guaranteed.
♥ Surviving a horror movie is hard enough without choosing one of these 99.9 percent fatal professions:
A) Gravedigger. A job that requires you to dig graves. In a cemetery. Alone.
B) Polar scientist. "Hey, I know-I'll go to the most isolated part of the world. A place where night lasts for six months! What a great idea!"
C) Security guard. If something goes bump in the night, you're the guy who has to check it out.
D) Camp director. You're an authority figure who bosses teenagers around in the middle of the woods. It's a shock you lived long enough to read this senten-...
E) Janitor. Strange. You could've sworn you locked the door to the pool. Why are the lights off? And why does that laughter sound like it's coming from the water?
F) Hooker. Prostitution is so fatal in movies that hookers rarely even get the courtesy of an on-screen death. The first time we see them in when our grizzled hero cop is scraping them out of several Dumpsters.
♥ For all that the Terrorverse loves to repurpose monsters-if it ain't broke, why not sequel it?..
♥ ..surround yourself with these types:
A few scientists or academics. The movie doesn't have all day; someone has to put the pieces together and figure out what makes It tick, and the eggheads can really move the conversation along. Once the creature's nature is revealed, though, they're dead meat.
An especially aggravating asshole. In the Terrorverse, people who are abrasive, argumentative, or unlikeable might as well have targets on their backs. The audience loves seeing them get their comeuppance in the bloodiest of ways... and better them than you.
A child. Kids are often imperiled in the Terrorverse, but an on-screen death is rare, so stay close. Don't fall into the trap of sacrificing yourself to save the kid, though; the child will survive no matter what, so there's no reason for such heroism. Bonus points if the little tyke has a distinctive feature like a disability or psychic power, because this will likely be the key to beating the monster.
A cop or soldier. Or even a physical trainer. Someone who's strong, confident, and an experienced fighter will help the group get through the early scenes of the movie... and after the first act, that tough guy or gal will be the first to go, in order to make everyone more vulnerable.
Optimists and pessimists. The Terrorverse abhors certainty. Characters who constantly declare that everything will be all right in the end will be proven wrong and quickly ended. Those who spend most of their time huddled in a corner convinced that this is game over, man, will last longer. But eventually the movie will kill them off to put an end to their whining.
♥ Pay attention. So that evil-looking book that you didn't even buy keeps reappearing in different parts of your house? Or people in your neighborhood are inexplicably turning up dead with their legs bent backwards? Such warning signs would be cause for alarm in the real world, but in the Terrorverse people inexplicably ignore them. Don't be like that! These are clues to the nature of the threat that's coming.
♥ Know Your Harbingers of Impending Doom: The Head Tilt
In everyday circumstances, the human head tends to be upright. It might tilt forward if someone's drowsy, or backward if somebody wants to check out some neat skywriting. A head might rotate left or right, or nod, or shake back and forth in time with music. This is all normal. A thing that ordinary, sane, harmless people do not do with their head is tilt it slowly sideways, like a confused dog, moving their ear close to their shoulder, and then holding that position for several seconds or more. This behavior is the province of crazy people, the possessed, and disguised abominations that don't really understand how humans behave. The degree of the head tilt (whether left or right) indicates how much danger you're in:
0-10 degrees: Minimal danger; person is puzzled or has an inner ear infection.
11-30 degrees: Mild danger; person has sociopathic tendencies.
31-45 degrees: Significant danger; a serial killer is sizing you up.
46-60 degrees: Extreme danger; this is a mutant or an animated corpse.
61+ degrees: The human neck doesn't allow this, why are you still standing there?
Note: If head tilt is accompanied by the slow crescendo of stringed instruments, the danger increases by one level.
♥ 10 Wildlife Creatures That Are Always Evil
1. Monkeys. Opportunistic bastards. A money would sell its own mother for s stale banana peel-which is why they're always recruited as spies for the enemy.
2. Rottweilers. Dogs are universally good, with one exception. It seems that Rottweilers put their paw print on a contract with Satan, since they're always portrayed as rabid psychopaths or guardians of the Antichrist.
3. Sharks. In the real world, they're scary looking but mostly harmless and threatened by extinction. In horror movies, sharks crave human flesh, can carry a grudge, solve problems, eat boats, and track people halfway across the globe.
4. Ravens. As birds go, ravens are actually quite pleasant. Unfortunately, they're also classic harbingers of impending doom.
5. Cats. Whereas monkeys are evil because it pays well, cats are just plain evil. They don't need an incentive to sell you out or steal your baby's breath; they do it for the sheer pleasure of being rotten.
6. Rats. Where there's one rat, there's 14,000. And where there's 14,000 rats, there's some sociopath using them to murder people.
7.Bats. It's not a bat, it's a vampire.
8. Owls. Owls have been waging a PR campaign to change their perennial image as evil creatures. They've bought their way into a few family films, playing the faithful friend or endangered species, but don't be fooled-they're coldhearted killers.
9. Sloths. There's actually nothing to suggest sloths are evil. But isn't it suspicious how popular they've become in recent years? Plus they're the only animal named after a deadly sin. Probably best to avoid them.
10. Wolves. It's not a wolf. It's a werewolf.
♥ Know when to abandon ship. The filmmakers want you to see this thing to the bitter end. Save the nobility for real life. There's no shame in heading for that escape pod at the first hint of danger, such as:
Anything pops out of anybody's chest. Whether it's an alien or the Tootsie Roll owl, get the hell out of there.
You're on a rescue mission. This has already been covered. There's no such thing as a rescue in space. You're merely the second wave of victims.
Your dead wife is walking around the ship. You're going crazy, and the ship wants you to go even crazier. Leave immediately.
You can't stop building things with mashed potatoes. Actually, you should stick around for this one, it's pretty cool.
Nuke anything that even remotely creeps you out. It's the only way to be sure.
♥ What to Do If Your Corn Has Children In It
Not only is farming one of the deadliest horror occupations (remoteness, animals, sharp things everywhere), but in the hands of most screenwriters, cornstalks are antennas for receiving evil. Why? Because they're a clear metaphor for isolation, easy to get lost in, cheap to film in, and-best of all-very, very hard to see in. Because cornfields are such ripe horror territory, they're often infested with demons, sign-making aliens, winged carnivores, and worst of all... fanatical children.
A religious child infestation is every corn farmer's worst nightmare. The onset is sudden, and the results can be disastrous for the crops. If left untreated, the little buggers will make themselves at home, using inventory to make crucifixes, trampling paths everywhere, and chanting Bible passages day and night. If your infestation has already progressed to conducting human sacrifices and summoning false gods, burn the whole mess and collect government subsidies until next season.
♥ Day 4. Set your affairs in order. If you haven't solved this thing by day four, it's time to consider the possibility that you're not being asked back for the sequel. I'm not telling you to admit defeat-not by a long shot. But I am telling you to be smart. To get a few things out of the way while there's still time:
† Create or update your will.
† Write your memoirs.
† Tell the people you love you love them.
† Tell the people you hate that you hate them.
† Make any necessary religious pilgrimages or preparations.
† Go skydiving.
† Spend an obscene amount of money on yourself.
† Give an obscene amount of money to a hobo.
† Kill the hobo with your bare hands just to see what it feels like.
♥ Picture this: You're battling the devil. Maybe he's in human form, or maybe (budget permitting) he's chosen a more traditional representation-a red, fire-breathing goat-demon combo of some kind, each tooth a sharpened gargoyle. His tail whips back and forth, smashing nearby statues to pieces. His horns belch black smoke as he saunters toward you. You flatten your back against the cold stone of the exhibit hall, cornered, trying not to stare into those eyes-those dead, sulfur-yellow eyes. This is it. This is how I die. No awkward product placement or jarringly good dialogue can save you now.
He leans in and opens his jaws-the heat coming off his skin blisters your forehead. His breath takes years off your life (irrelevant, since you're about to die anyway).
And then you remember. There is one thing that can drive the devil away.
Show him your penis. When the devil has you at claw's length, you need something shocking. Something dramatic. Something that will make the entire Terrorverse collapse in on itself. And there's only one object with that much power:
A penis.
I offer this simple equation: Full-frontal male nudity (P) does not exist in the Terrorverse (T). Therefore, if P is present, T cannot be present. And if T is present, P cannot be present.
In other words, if a man lets it all hang out for the world (i.e., the audience) to see, whatever movie he's in cannot, according to the laws of movie physics, be in the horror genre.
If you have a penis? Marvelous. Drop your shorts and maker Papa proud.
If you don't? Find someone who does, and fast.
It may seem like a juvenile response to a desperate situation. A sad attempt to mask fear with immature humor. Maybe it is. But would you rather die with dignity or live with nudity?
♥ Paranormal Activity (2000)
Oren Peli wrote, produced, directed, shot, and edited the original version of this movie in seven days. In other words, he could've watched the tape from The Ring and still created a horror franchise before Samara came out of the TV to kill him.
Pet Sematary (1989)
The movie that crosses a sacred line, turns around, pisses on that line, and goes on its merry way.