The Bro Code by Matt Kuhn (as Barney Stinson).
Title: The Bro Code.
Author: Matt Kuhn (writing as Barney Stinson).
Genre: Non-fiction, how-to guides, relationships, tv-show tie-ins, humour.
Country: U.S.
Language: English.
Publication Date: 2008.
Summary: Everyone's life is governed by an internal code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. But Bros in the know call this holy grail the Bro Code. Historically a spoken tradition passed from one generation to the next, the official code of conduct for Bros appears here in its published form. By upholding the tenets of this sacred and legendary document, any dude can learn to achieve Bro-dom. As mentioned numerous times on the tv show How I Met Your Mother, and written by one of the show's writer's as Barney Stinson.
My rating: 6/10.
My review:
♥ While the story of the Bro Code is not nearly as simple and elegant as God handing down some stone tablets to Broses, its origins weave all the way back to the dawn of humanity.
In the beginning there was no Bro Code... which was unfortunate for the world's fist Bros-Cain and Abel. Lacking an agreed-upon set of social principles, Cain killed Abel and committed history's first Broicide. As punishment Cain was doomed to walk the earth alone. Why? Because without a wingman, he had absolutely no chance to meet chicks.
Centuries later a Bro from Sparta and a Bro from Troy got in a fight over a chick named Helen. I know, "Helen" doesn't sound hot, but allegedly she had a "face that launched a thousand ships," so you can just imagine what her rack was like. The two Bros waged a terrible war over this chick-a war that could have been avoided had the Bros been familiar with the most basic Bro Code: Bros before ho's. Troy put up a good fight, but the Spartan navy was very powerful. Soon hordes of Spartan seamen burst through the Trojan barrier, and Helen got half the gold for the next eighteen years.
Hundred of years later, appropriately in Philadelphia (the City of Bro Love), a little known delegate named Barnabas Stinson scratched on parchment what is now considered the earliest attempt to record the Bro Code. Over the years Bros have amended and added rules, but Stinson's elegant words remain as the glorious preamble to the Bro Code.
While the original document is housed two stories beneath sea level in an undisclosed, vacuum-sealed, bullet-proof changer, I was able to gain access long enough to manufacture this replica.
July 4, 1776
The Bro Code
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for Bros to settle a dispute, decent respect to the opinions of Bro-kind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to argue, though prudence says it's probably a chick. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Bros are created equal-though not necessarily with the same good looks or sense of style-and that they are endowed with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of tail. To secure these rights, we present the Bro Code. It is the right of Bros to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new code, but let's face it-that's a lot of work.
Be it here resolved that, henceforth, when and if two gentlemen covet the company of the same wench, the Bro who first calleth dibs on said wench shall be entitled sufferance for such time as it takes to reasonably strike out, or the time it takes sand to fill one half of an hourglass, whichever comes first. At no point is it permissible for a Bro to violate this right and codpiece block his Bro, even if he hath consumed copious quantities of ale.
♥ ARTICLE 2: A bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.
NOTE: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of that cabin alone, people would have been like, "Dude, come on." If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would've been like, "Dude, come on." If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early days of Mötley Crüe, people would have been like, "Lady, come on." The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place.
♥
EMAILS FOR ANY BROCCASION
SYMPATHY
To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Dude
Sorry, bro.
CONGRATULATIONS
To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Bro!
Sorry, bro.
GET WELL SOON
To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Bro...
Don't give up, Bro.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Dude
Drinks on me, Bro.
THINKING OF YOU
To: N/A
From: N/A
Subject: N/A
N/A
♥ ARTICLE 11: A bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are-in most cases, stuck in a doorway.
♥ ARTICLE 13: All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman.
MIX AND MATCH: FAMOUS WINGMEN
- Michael Jordan
- Snoopy
- Han Solo
- George H.W. Bush
- Bert
- Shaggy
- Beer
- Scooby
- Dan Quayle
- Hot Wings
- Chewbacca
- Scottie Pippen
- Ernie
♥ ARTICLE 20: A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.
♥ ARTICLE 34: Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's threeway.
♥ ARTICLE 40: Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as "a bachelor party."
♥ ARTICLE 49: When asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "I got it," whether or not he's actually got it.
EXCEPTIONS: Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car, loading an expensive TV into an expensive car.
♥ ARTICLE 60: A Bro shall honor thy father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.
♥
DATES CHICKS FIND IMPORTANT
OCCASION: Her birthday.
SHE REMINDS YOU... Three weeks before, by pointing at jewelry.
OCCASION: Anniversary of first date.
SHE REMINDS YOU... Happily, the day of.
OCCASION: Marriage anniversary.
SHE REMINDS YOU... Angrily, the next day.
OCCASION: Children's birthdays.
SHE REMINDS YOU... At your divorce trial.
OCCASION: Grey's Anatomy season premiere.
SHE REMINDS YOU... In the middle of a playoff game.
♥ ARTICLE 63: A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection.
Brotection forms a central pillar-or, more accurately, a latex coating for the central pillar-of the Bro way of life. While a Bro is not legally or fiscally responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it's not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a disease, many of which can last an entire lifetime, like when a Bro contracts children.
In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect another Bro to use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity (except the act of coitus itself-whereby the Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible), in order to respond with a panoply of options at the Bro in need's location. A Bro must utilize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a bicycle* be used as this is not only humiliating but also potentially harmful to the perineum-a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to the sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro's location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion as not to disrupt the primary Bro's "flow," or Brojo. Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, high five. Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be mentioned again, unless it's part of an awesome story.
* Unless a bicycle is the only form of transportation available, like in Southeast Asia or Arkansas or something.
♥ ARTICLE 71: As a courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party.
THREE BROS ARE COOL:
Three Amigos
Thee Muskateers
The Police
Apollo 13 Astronauts
Three Stooges
(Exception: Hanson)
FOUR BROS ARE LAME:
Mount Rushmore
The Fantastic Four (feature film version)
The Monkees
Olympic Bobsled Team
Michael Jordan's teammates
(Exception: The Beatles)
BROETRY CORNER
One Bro make a solo attack.
A second Bro provides a crutch.
A third Bro rounds out the pack,
But a fourth Bro is one too much.
♥ THE WINGMAN PLEDGE
I shall uphold the Bro Code to the fullest of my ability.
I will never allow my wingman to go home with less than a six.
I agree to swap rounds of drinks with my wingman, even if I keep getting stuck paying for shots.
I will never rack jack my wingman, no matter how hot the chick.
I pledge to never leave a wingman behind when invited to a party.
If my wingman meets a hot chick with an ugly friend, I will jump on the grenade.
If my wingman gets rejected by a chick, I shall unequivocally agree that she sucked anyway, even if I thought she seemed kind of cool and interesting.
Should my wingman strike up a conversation with a chick of questionable legal age, I will endeavor to ascertain and verify his birth date.
If I discover evidence that my wingman's chick is in a relationship, I shall make that information available to him, unless it's pretty clear the boyfriend/husband isn't there.
I shall honor and respect the dibs system.
♥ HOW TO KEEP A BOOTY CALL A BOOTY CALL
...DON'T: Think about her before midnight.
WHY?: Idle thoughts can lead to a relationship.
♥ ARTICLE 103: A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks with it.
♥ ARTICLE 107: A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging.
Besides the obvious health hazards inherent in keeping an arm aloft for an extended period of time, the emotional effects of leaving a Bro out to dry in public can be devastating. If you ever see a Bro, even one you don't know, looking around frantically with a paw held high in the air, throw him a Brone and hit him up top.
Brone-An act of selflessness bestowed upon or by a Bro.
♥ ARTICLE 111: If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email, the Bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random contacts and then deleting all sent messages.
♥ ARTICLE 114: If a Bro must crash on his Bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.
♥ ARTICLE 116: A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bro's chances to score with a chick.
Every Bro is endowed with a right to life and a right to pursue chicks. Violating either of these God-given rights is a heinous offense that could result in the strictest penalty recognized in the Bro Code: loss of permanent shotgun status.
♥ ARTICLE 129: If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.\
♥ ARTICLE 142: A bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.
♥ AMENDMENTS
..AMENDMENT II
If a Bro writes and directs a trilogy of awesome space-themed sagas that define a generation's childhood, he is forbidden from later tarnishing that legacy by crapping out a prequel trilogy that forces Bros to specify "Episode 4 to 6" or "the real trilogy" when referencing what was once a perfect series of movies, regardless of how anyone feels about Ewoks.
AMENDMENT III
Should a Bro become aware that his Bro has a really hot sister (a nine or higher), she is no longer protected under Article 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's sister. That said, a Bro should reevaluate if the sister kind of resembles his Bro in a wig.
AMENDMENT VI
A Bro shall never turn away a Bro who shows up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.
AMENDMENT V
If your Bro finds himself living with a chick, it is no longer acceptable for you to show up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.
AMENDMENT VI
Okay, if a Bro desperately needs to stash his porn somewhere, he is allowed to show up uninvited at his Bro's door with a box of porn, even if his Bro is living with a chick. Since the Bro's connection with his porn undoubtedly constitutes an older and more meaningful relationship, the box of porn is afforded right of way over the live-in girlfriend, despite the box of porn's inability to get super pissed and withhold sex for the night.