He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
Title: He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys.
Author: Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
Genre: Non-fiction, romance and sexuality, self-help, humour.
Country: U.S.
Language: English.
Publication Date: 2004.
Summary: For ages women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men. The author are here to say-despite good intentions-you're wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages. The truth may be He's just not that into you. Reexamining familiar scenarios and classic mind-sets that keep us in unsatisfying relationships through examples and letters from women all over, the authors' wry and wise understanding of the sexes will spare women hours of externalizing, obsessing, and wishful thinking, and offer a "no-bullshit" approach to the dating culture that is based in empowerment, self-respect, and setting and keeping one's standards.
My rating: 7.5/10.
My review: This book was suggested to me by several people because it's "the kind of book I would write and the kind of way I would write it." Turns out they were all very on point - it was by far one of the more cathartic reading experiences. I categorically do not participate in dating and hook-up culture (I personally view it as desperately contrived), but my very particular life experiences (growing up in a frat house) allowed me a very thorough but very impartial view into that world, and specifically the men's side and approach to it. It wasn't until I became a confidant to a few girls, and actually spoke to them on the subject, when I realized the girls' side of this equation was ludicrously, almost illogically out of sync with the men's. I would confidently say this book should be mandatory for every woman out there. Reading this book and internalizing its message could save one an enormous amount of pain, heart-break, confusion, and time. Because projecting their own feelings and presumed actions onto men, reading into signs that aren't actually there, making complicated excuses for all kinds of behaviour in order to avoid the only logical explanation - this is something women not only do a lot themselves, it is also something they actively encourage in each other. If that sounds offensive, present any problem you may be having with a man to your girlfriends and see how many of them would even suggest that there's a possibility the guy is just not that into you, and watch the fantastical and contrived possibilities they will present you with instead - anything from simply he's too tired or busy, to fantastic leaps of assumption about his insecurities, masculinity, fear of commitment, intimidation of your amazingness, etc. I enjoyed Behrendt's no-nonsense approach to the whole subject. I loved his very logical points on how a social movement like the Suffrage Movement is unable to change human biology that quickly, and it's biology and instinct that a lot of the way males pursue females tie into. I loved how he broke common stereotypes almost every woman encounters in her life, like a man not wanting to be with you because he "doesn't want to ruin a friendship" (a relevant one for me, although I want to say it has always sounded like nonsense, or at best a kind synonym of "I don't like you enough to take a giant risk"), or men who "don't believe in things" (marriage, commitment, monogamy, etc.). Something particular I had always felt strongly about myself isthe first great bullshit story girls are ever told - he hits you because he likes you. I have always thought that regardless of whether that is actually true or not, it's not only an excuse, but a completely irrelevant fact that should never even come up - what does it matter why he hits? Why would we put a justification of abuse into girls' minds at such a young age? But what I think I loved the most about this books is that even though it could be considered quite harsh, its purpose is to be empowering to women. If nothing else, it sets up an effective formula of treating yourself with a lot more respect, and telling yourself a lot less absolute bullshit. And, as Behrendt points out, whilst there are exceptions, even if quite a few, when you're participating in the dating game it makes a lot more sense to approach it without the assumption that you've met one, or you are one. It's liberating and time-saving. Just about the only parts of this book that I didn't enjoy were the parts by Liz Tuccillo. They angered me. They provide a wonderful context for the material, but it's frustrating to listen to her go on about how lonely and desperate she often feels, and how she understands the desperate need for just anyone. I found those parts distasteful mostly because I feel like the attitude of just wanting a partner for a partner's sake in general is toxic and enforced by society and media, heavily contributes to high divorce rates and settling into unhappiness, and it's not something that should be sympathized with or encouraged. I am actually fairly sure that being so desperate that someone is better than no one is the actual root of most problems people have when it comes to love, dating, and relationships. In short, if you're a woman, I recommend you read this book. If not to avoid illogical but tempting pitfalls yourself, then at least to be a more effective and honest friend.
♥
- He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.
- He's just not that into you if he's not calling you. Men know how to use the phone.
- He's just that not into you if he's not dating you. "Hanging out" is not dating.
- He's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you. When men like you, they want to touch you, always.
- He's just not that into you if he's having sex with someone else. There's never going to be a good excuse for cheating.
- He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.
- He's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you. Love cures commitment-phobia.
- He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you. "I don't want to go out with you" means just that.
- He's just not that into you if he's disappeared on you. Sometimes you have to get closure all by yourself.
- He's just not that into you if he's married (and other insane variations of being unavailable). If you're not able to love freely, it's not really love.
- He's just not that into you if he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak. If you really love someone, you want to do things to make that person happy.
♥ It's hard. We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's intoxicatingly liberating.
♥ I hate to tell you, but that whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems to wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves-we want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. And please, don't tell me he's just "scared." The only thing he's scared of-and I say this with a lot of love-is how not attracted to you he is.
♥ "Give me a call." "E-mail me." "Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime." Don't let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out.
♥ Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We love it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children-sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.
♥ Don't let the "honeys" and "babys" fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that.
♥ Here's the deal. Most guys will say what they think you want to hear at the end of a date or a phone call, rather than nothing at all. Some guys are lying, some guys really mean it. Here's how you can tell the difference: You know they mean it when they actually do what they said they were going to do.
♥ We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word...
♥ I'm about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: The word "busy" is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.
...100% of men polled said they've never been too busy to call a women they were really into. As one fine man said, "A man has got to have his priorities."
♥ Beware of the word "friend." It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.
♥ 100% of guys polled said "a fear of intimacy" has never stopped them from getting into a relationship. One guy even remarked, "Fear of intimacy is an urban myth." Another guy said, "That's just what we say to girls we're just not that into them."
♥ Every single one of these men that are not attracted to you will never ever tell you that. Oh, the things they'll say... they're scared, hurt, tired, injured, sick, scared (again). But the truth is simple, brutal, and clear as a bell: He's not attracted to you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
♥ Ahh, here comes the big "fear of intimacy" debate. Is there such a thing? Many, many people are in therapy for it, a lot of self-help books are dedicated to it, a lot of shitty behavior is excused because of it. Sure, many people have been hurt in their past, and now have a fear of intimacy. But guess what? If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you-including a fear of intimacy.
♥ Don't get me wrong, Madame Curie-I know it's nice to have companionship and wake up with somebody that you really like, but that's what pets are for. Pets are God's way of saying, "Don't lower the bar because you're lonely."
♥ Don't date any man who doesn't know why he does things.
♥ 100% of guys polled said they have never accidentally slept with anyone. (But many of them wanted to know how this accident could occur, and how they can get involved in such an accident.)
♥ And take it from a former bad boy: "Bad Boys" are bad because they're troubled, as in having little self-respect, lots of pent-up anger, loads of self-loathing, complete lack of faith in any kind of loving relationship, but yes, really cool clothes and often a great car.
♥ Drinking and drug use are not a path to one's innermost feelings. Otherwise people wouldn't smash empty beer cans against their skulls or stick their fingers in fire to see if they can feel anything.
♥ If he only wants to see you, talk to you, have sex with you, etc., when he's inebriated, it ain't love-it's sport.
♥ Just remember this. Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with you. Because he's not really saying he doesn't want to get married. He's saying he doesn't want to get married to you.
♥ It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less-even a vague, pathetic facsimile or less-than you would have ever imagined. Ladies, please, keep your eye on the prize. Remember always what you set out to get, and please don't settle for less. If you can't do it for you, do it for everyone else: These guys are able to exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.
♥ There's nothing worse than having no answer, in business, friendships, and especially romantic relationships. But the bad news is, no answer is your answer.
♥ Ladies, I mean it. I'm very sorry that it's so hard to find a decent guy these days, that you'll let any punctual male with the ability to dial the phone and drive a car get away with anything. It's a sad state of affairs and I'm not sure what can be done about it.
♥ People who are in love with each other generally try to be nice. Some even get a kick out of treating their mate well and trying to make their life better. He may think he loves you, and maybe he does. But he's really bad at it. And it's exactly the same result as if he was just not that into you.
♥ He doesn't have to love your CD collection. He doesn't have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family-especially when they're great.
♥ There's a difference between eccentric and insane. "Eccentric" will sometimes wear a velvet jacket. "Insane" will only have sex with you when wearing it. There's a difference between teasing and abuse. Teasing is "Björk called. She wants her dress back." Abuse is "Boy, are you getting fat."
♥ You already have one asshole. You don't need another.
♥ But, I have to say, there is something else that comes in to fill the vacuum that our book creates. It may seem like a consolation prize, but ultimately it's everything. Replacing the mediocre relationships, halfhearted men, and meaningless e-mails and texts is not just bone-crushing loneliness. It's confidence. It is the miraculous emotion that rolls in to replace all the relationship rubble that has been swept away. No one is making you feel like you aren't enough. No situation is making you feel unlovable. There is just you. There is just you and your standards, and soon enough there is confidence.
♥ If we wrote a book called She's Just Not That Into You, it would sell eight copies. Men don't process heartbreak that way. We don't run to Barnes & Noble and buy a book. We get drunk and stand on your lawn, then the cop comes and we're fairly sure it's over.
♥ Marriage, particularly when there are children, is harder to walk away from. Ask if the problems can be fixed, and if they cannot my answer's the same. We didn't come here to be in loveless relationships with people who don't respect us. This might be controversial, but I believe marriage is just a relationship tied to a legal document. It shouldn't be an excuse to be miserable for the rest of your life.