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[margokennedy]

without intending to i wrote a giant thing about me me me. looks and difference... i don't think anyone would bother to read this but i do feel compelled to post it, since it is my diary.  i didn't bother most parts to write extremely well.  it's written in usual casual journal style and pretty all over the place.  please do feel free to read

Comments

[margokennedy]

yeah i definitely see that i project an air of vulnerability and anxiety. this is probably the real reason why i attract so many creepy guys for sure. i also wonder if that's why kind of older (like 20s i mean not the creepy predators) guys tend to like me most, because they find that kind of vulnerability etc to be sweet and endearing or something rather than lame or boring like a lot of younger guys do i think, idk. rabblerabblerabble.

i got a little dramatic near the end for some reason and should edit it, but i didn't mean to write this as a "poor me" post really, i just wanted to examine my feelings of chronic alienation, and also the extreme ways people have reacted to me because of my looks and i guess how the two are connected. also besides self-examination i feel like no one ever really understands/believes me when i talk about those things, so i wanted to try to explain it all to other people, as well. like i would talk to my good friend about my anxiety about my looks, social anxiety and he just said basically that i was immature for caring so much what others think and etc etc. of course that's true in a way but i feel like my feelings and concerns run a lot deeper and life and social acceptance etc is a lot more complex than that...
anyway though obviously i didn't seriously think about making it very understandable since it's so jumbled etc and i didn't really try to impress with the writing quality lol :O. i am trying to edit it.

i left a lot of things out because i wanted to focus on very specific and certain thoughts/feelings and I'm afraid people are thinking I'm kind of shallow in my thought process or just kind of immature or something. i did try to write at times w/o expressing a lot of emotion because i didn't want people to think i was really venting or whining. i'm not 15 anymore and my crying and angst is kind of kept from livejournal or at least i try to channel it into something less silly and more meaningful before i show others.

sorry i obviously just started rambling and a lot of this isn't relevant to what you commented.

[margokennedy]

i dunno i think there's something really strange about me. i really don't understand meanness or aggression or even competition really. this is a pretty ridiculous illustration of that, but here i go. i remember being a little kid and playing for the first time on a girl's softball team and the first day we were all running around the plates. we were all starting at different times and i was second to go. i was a very fast runner, and realized that at my current pace i was going to pass the girl who had started well before me. i intentionally slowed down because i didn't want to make her feel bad.

in jr high a boy who always bullied me one day said to me, "i hate you" and i felt very shocked and hurt and wondered how someone could say that to another person just because they thought they weren't pretty enough.
i could go on and on and humiliate myself more...
but i dunno somehow despite doing porn where guys regularly try to get me to do really degrading stuff or laugh at the size of their penis and reading andrea dworkin talk about 13 year olds forced to do violent pornography i'm really shocked by how people think of and treat each other day to day. i just see it as so incomprehensible to me. but i don't think that i'm somehow better or that the way that i act is at all more correct. i do internalize i think a lot of negative emotions and do all sorts of harmful creepy voyeuristic things blahblah.

[margokennedy]

it's never good to be different!