"holy crap"...doesnt describe this week.
I dont write in here ever but I will this time because I dont think Im awake enough to write in my own journal. Or who knows, sober enough. And so much has happened, and Im still reeling so badly from it all, that I think typing is the way to go. Fast, solid typing.
This past week has been something out of another dimension. Uh, Nick? Former straight A, altar serving, ass kissing, clean mind (and body) boy...Now: Tattoos, earrings, band, wha? Exams trying to murder me. A friend who has been getting on my nerves lately, or well, mainly both of them and not just one of them--it makes me a little more than frusterated that I am no longer considered close to her. One of them and their boyfriend bugging the hell out of me, acting in ways reminiscent to her ex back in high schoool. Maria Taylor and going to Orlando--downtown, specifically--secretly, the night before an exam...one of my friends experiencing the first panic attack in a long time, because she was pulled over by some fucking stupid cops because she didnt have her license...clubbing tonight...final four later...and...ha, who knew Id even be around on this thing to type this: drinking alcohol for the first time. ever.
This entry doesnt even sound like it would come from me.
I know drinking isnt a big deal, but I was actually sort of proud to last maybe till I was 21 before drinking...But I guess I didnt do a whole lot anyways, I didnt even have 2/3 of a bottle of beer, and only some sips of whiskey. Im having an out of body experience right now, it doesnt click, what I did. Ill probably end up repressing it. It was enjoyable, dont get me wrong--good music, dancing, friends etc--but I think I did it for the wrong reasons, which Im more than a little ashamed to say, and that was because lately life has been more than a little shitty. And that doesnt smell like a good start to my alcoholic aspect of life. Literally.
The Nick thing sort of just slammed me, that was really weird. I dont know, I just cant get over that. But then here I go and I go out and have times of my own that dont reflect me either. It goes to show that Im a hypocrite, high strung about myself, and that maybe that kind of thing doesn't reflect the person you are. I swear my parents taught me the wrong things at times....
I felt so bad about her and the cop, I felt really shitty for a long time after that happened. And I am so pissed at another person in that car. She acted like she was her best friend who should do everything. Uh, fucking excuse me but I am the one with the keys to the fucking room; I am her roommate; I had an idea where her meds where; and oh, let me throw one more biting insult: IM the one with the running legs. She hasnt run since who knows when. Good luck with that underpants race you and her have been raving about for the longest time. On the same token...I felt bad for acting upset at her. She was only trying to help I guess. Yeah. She was. That was stupid of me. But that I guess, that just made me feel even more annoyed on top of stuff, last night. Her and her bf and her went out for Aviks present, so I felt left out, even though I didnt want to go. Whatever. Had I gone I would have been ignored. So it works.
I dont know, I feel upset at myself bc of exams, sort of weird about the alcohol, frusterated at friends, jealous of one of them and her bf, stressed by school, worried about my roommate, stressed by aviks party today, and guilty that im no longer mommy and daddys little good girl...I finally cut the umbilical cord that seemed to still be attatched to me...but I dont know how I feel about that yet. It makes me sad really.
ps. to end on a lighthearted note...I appear to be the fun type when intoxicated, and more verbose than usual. hahaha
This past week has been something out of another dimension. Uh, Nick? Former straight A, altar serving, ass kissing, clean mind (and body) boy...Now: Tattoos, earrings, band, wha? Exams trying to murder me. A friend who has been getting on my nerves lately, or well, mainly both of them and not just one of them--it makes me a little more than frusterated that I am no longer considered close to her. One of them and their boyfriend bugging the hell out of me, acting in ways reminiscent to her ex back in high schoool. Maria Taylor and going to Orlando--downtown, specifically--secretly, the night before an exam...one of my friends experiencing the first panic attack in a long time, because she was pulled over by some fucking stupid cops because she didnt have her license...clubbing tonight...final four later...and...ha, who knew Id even be around on this thing to type this: drinking alcohol for the first time. ever.
This entry doesnt even sound like it would come from me.
I know drinking isnt a big deal, but I was actually sort of proud to last maybe till I was 21 before drinking...But I guess I didnt do a whole lot anyways, I didnt even have 2/3 of a bottle of beer, and only some sips of whiskey. Im having an out of body experience right now, it doesnt click, what I did. Ill probably end up repressing it. It was enjoyable, dont get me wrong--good music, dancing, friends etc--but I think I did it for the wrong reasons, which Im more than a little ashamed to say, and that was because lately life has been more than a little shitty. And that doesnt smell like a good start to my alcoholic aspect of life. Literally.
The Nick thing sort of just slammed me, that was really weird. I dont know, I just cant get over that. But then here I go and I go out and have times of my own that dont reflect me either. It goes to show that Im a hypocrite, high strung about myself, and that maybe that kind of thing doesn't reflect the person you are. I swear my parents taught me the wrong things at times....
I felt so bad about her and the cop, I felt really shitty for a long time after that happened. And I am so pissed at another person in that car. She acted like she was her best friend who should do everything. Uh, fucking excuse me but I am the one with the keys to the fucking room; I am her roommate; I had an idea where her meds where; and oh, let me throw one more biting insult: IM the one with the running legs. She hasnt run since who knows when. Good luck with that underpants race you and her have been raving about for the longest time. On the same token...I felt bad for acting upset at her. She was only trying to help I guess. Yeah. She was. That was stupid of me. But that I guess, that just made me feel even more annoyed on top of stuff, last night. Her and her bf and her went out for Aviks present, so I felt left out, even though I didnt want to go. Whatever. Had I gone I would have been ignored. So it works.
I dont know, I feel upset at myself bc of exams, sort of weird about the alcohol, frusterated at friends, jealous of one of them and her bf, stressed by school, worried about my roommate, stressed by aviks party today, and guilty that im no longer mommy and daddys little good girl...I finally cut the umbilical cord that seemed to still be attatched to me...but I dont know how I feel about that yet. It makes me sad really.
ps. to end on a lighthearted note...I appear to be the fun type when intoxicated, and more verbose than usual. hahaha