The whole 'domestic issues shouldn't be women's problems' schtick...
I think I've finally gotten through a good chunk of this hullabaloo in the blogosphere about 'why are we treating family/work balance' like it's a woman's problem. (A good compilation of relevant posts can be found at Dr. Free-Ride's Blog.) The discussion evolved into 'why aren't men blogging about family/work' balance.
I'm going to jump back to the first issue instead. It is a woman's problem. It doesn't matter if the woman is in science or not, almost all the women I know are fighting this, and many simply don't have husbands who view it as their issue: it belongs to their wife. I have had a lot of friends ask me how I got so lucky to have a husband that is an equal (and sometimes more) partner in housework and childcare. The reason I got lucky is because I've never had to ask him to do housework: his mom did that plenty as a kid, and it shows.
I was extremely surprised that one of the things that started all this was the notion that the advice that really needs to be dispensed is that women ought to be discussing household duties with their husbands.
That all said, as a woman in science, it is sometimes disheartening to almost never hear an article suggest that a woman in science discuss household duties with her partner and split them evenly.
Seriously? Do people wait until their into their careers and have kids to suddenly decide to discuss the issue of domestic duties with their spouse? I guess my feeling was that if my future husband wasn't wouldn't pick up a dishtowel before we got married, then he most likely was not going to pick one up afterwards...in which case, I was probably wasting my time because I didn't want a marriage like that!
Yes, housekeeping and childcare are issues that a husband and ought to be prioritizing and participating in. I think that it's important for both partners to be flexible. I don't believe, however, that you just suddenly find yourself in a situation where you are in need of getting help with the housework and just now realize your spouse may be of some help. Those patterns have probably been quite evident from the beginning of the relationship. Unfortunately, I know a lot of women who thought they were okay with being the housekeeper until kids came along. Sure, they all tried to talk with their spouses, but my observation was that there would be, at best, temporary efforts at taking responsibility which fell off after a couple months.
My second point is that even if you do have a situation where the man is doing as much as or more housework and child-rearing than the woman, that doesn't mean you can still accomplish everything you need to. As much as my husband and I try to just do what needs to be done, there is far more than we can accomplish even together. This is also why discussions of what men can do are not always helpful: some of them really are doing as much as they can. Discussing it doesn't change the end result that they're already packed to the hilt. I think this is why the original column was trying to make the point that women scientists need to look at other ways of taking care of domestic chores, particularly since female academics are more likely to be married to other academics or professionals (i.e. someone with a time-sucking career) than male academics. In reality, two busy people are still going to have packed schedules and will still struggle to keep it together in regards to house and family. Ideally the partner in a relationship will help as much as he or she can, and it really should be an issue for the adults, not just the woman. But most women either have unhelpful spouses or over-scheduled spouses. I think the point is that we need to have a discussion about ways to deal with these stresses that are not spouse-dependent. (Especially true for academics who are single-parents!)
So really, the suggestions about how women need to spend more time talking to their spouses about creating a balance are, in my opinion, of limited use. Even today, a lot of men see housework as something that is beneath them or not their responsibility. (That does not, however, mean that they will reduce their expectations about it getting done.) You can talk until you're blue in the face and that won't change anything: he's either not going to be willing or he's going to be too booked up. Realistically, most women still bear the brunt of this problem and feel more responsible for it. Yes, it would be nice if this was viewed as a problem for both sexes, but until men start dropping out to take care of kids, I don't think that recognizing that reality and trying to find ways to help women is a bad thing.
I'm going to jump back to the first issue instead. It is a woman's problem. It doesn't matter if the woman is in science or not, almost all the women I know are fighting this, and many simply don't have husbands who view it as their issue: it belongs to their wife. I have had a lot of friends ask me how I got so lucky to have a husband that is an equal (and sometimes more) partner in housework and childcare. The reason I got lucky is because I've never had to ask him to do housework: his mom did that plenty as a kid, and it shows.
I was extremely surprised that one of the things that started all this was the notion that the advice that really needs to be dispensed is that women ought to be discussing household duties with their husbands.
That all said, as a woman in science, it is sometimes disheartening to almost never hear an article suggest that a woman in science discuss household duties with her partner and split them evenly.
Seriously? Do people wait until their into their careers and have kids to suddenly decide to discuss the issue of domestic duties with their spouse? I guess my feeling was that if my future husband wasn't wouldn't pick up a dishtowel before we got married, then he most likely was not going to pick one up afterwards...in which case, I was probably wasting my time because I didn't want a marriage like that!
Yes, housekeeping and childcare are issues that a husband and ought to be prioritizing and participating in. I think that it's important for both partners to be flexible. I don't believe, however, that you just suddenly find yourself in a situation where you are in need of getting help with the housework and just now realize your spouse may be of some help. Those patterns have probably been quite evident from the beginning of the relationship. Unfortunately, I know a lot of women who thought they were okay with being the housekeeper until kids came along. Sure, they all tried to talk with their spouses, but my observation was that there would be, at best, temporary efforts at taking responsibility which fell off after a couple months.
My second point is that even if you do have a situation where the man is doing as much as or more housework and child-rearing than the woman, that doesn't mean you can still accomplish everything you need to. As much as my husband and I try to just do what needs to be done, there is far more than we can accomplish even together. This is also why discussions of what men can do are not always helpful: some of them really are doing as much as they can. Discussing it doesn't change the end result that they're already packed to the hilt. I think this is why the original column was trying to make the point that women scientists need to look at other ways of taking care of domestic chores, particularly since female academics are more likely to be married to other academics or professionals (i.e. someone with a time-sucking career) than male academics. In reality, two busy people are still going to have packed schedules and will still struggle to keep it together in regards to house and family. Ideally the partner in a relationship will help as much as he or she can, and it really should be an issue for the adults, not just the woman. But most women either have unhelpful spouses or over-scheduled spouses. I think the point is that we need to have a discussion about ways to deal with these stresses that are not spouse-dependent. (Especially true for academics who are single-parents!)
So really, the suggestions about how women need to spend more time talking to their spouses about creating a balance are, in my opinion, of limited use. Even today, a lot of men see housework as something that is beneath them or not their responsibility. (That does not, however, mean that they will reduce their expectations about it getting done.) You can talk until you're blue in the face and that won't change anything: he's either not going to be willing or he's going to be too booked up. Realistically, most women still bear the brunt of this problem and feel more responsible for it. Yes, it would be nice if this was viewed as a problem for both sexes, but until men start dropping out to take care of kids, I don't think that recognizing that reality and trying to find ways to help women is a bad thing.