(no subject)
I don't really know where to start this entry. So, I guess I will just go with my gut. Adrian and I fight. And I feel like it is getting worse. Most of the time I feel like I should just walk away but for whatever reason, I don't. The fighting wouldn't bother me if it were just little disagreements but sometimes he belittles and degrades me. I feel like his goal is to put me down. I feel like this more often then not is what actually happens.
The two most recent fights were pretty ridiculous.
My throat hurt. I told Sarah that and that I felt like something was stuck there. She told me it could be a tonsil stone. OK, ewww and gross. So, I asked Adrian to take a look at it and he said that he would. I came to his apartment on Monday for him to take a look and after we were going to go to the Revel because it was a free day.
Sarah dropped me off there because Michelle had my car so that she could go to grad school. I didn't have my keys to my apartment either. Shortly after arriving at his apartment my phone's battery died. Well, my throat: He looks and found nothing that concerned him but I, being obsessive, wasn't convinced. I would like to note that I can't help that I am obsessive, it kind of comes with the territory. I like to investigate and get to the bottom of things. I know that this can be annoying and I am really sorry. I think that my obsessive characteristic is my most selfish characteristic. Selfish in that I don't care what the effect is on you when I am being "investigative."
I was still bother by it at the Revel but what ev, right? Adrian was also being really, really sweet that night. I mean, more so than usual. I am on this kick where I want to pay for everything of mine, maybe that is why. So, I figured out how many tickets he needed for a beer and a turkey leg. And then I figured out how many I needed. We decided to share a funnel cake so we split that number in half. We got his food and then mine, plus the funnel cake. I sat with the food while he got my Italian ice and his beer. But, whenever I was figuring out how many tickets I needed I didn't calculate correctly so he had to go get the difference plus our drinks. I was so so so worried that he would throw a hissy fit about having to get more tickets first but he didn't. I mean, yo, I am alright with Adrian being tempermental.
He came back and everything was good while we ate our food. I sense that I am just here sometimes. I feel like we don't talk a whole lot anymore. I also feels this is normal. But sometimes I sit back and wait for something significant to happen to spark a conversation. Usually it doesn't and he goes on with his food or his work or his distraction away from me. And is this how it is supposed to be? I really thought that a relationship that has gone this far would feel so much more intense. He just sits and doesn't talk.
After coming back from the Revel he looked at my throat again, but it was more because he knew that it was bothering me. At some point he got annoyed with me because I kept making him look. I did see something white back there and they felt really swollen. I was afraid that they were and that it would progress into something like I had a few years ago. Because the doctor then told me that if I had come at the onset of the swollen throat they could have treated with something antiflamitory as opposed with an antibiotic that cost Donny around 100 dollars. I would also find out that it was a upper respiratory infection that stayed with me for about two months. It was also around the time I had to have a wisdom tooth taken out and the doctor also told me that it could be related. Everything that happened then cost me around 550 dollars. So, I was a little concerned.
Once he got annoyed enough he went to his bedroom and started to read. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up. His light was off and I was just so mad that he would just go to sleep. I went into his bedroom and flicked him really hard on the face. I guess because when he gets annoyed with me he just ignores me because he thinks that I am full of shit or something. I feel like it is a respect thing, like he lacks respect for me. He didn't react too well to the flicking. And at some point when he just started to ignore me again I pinched his nipple. So, at this point, he kind of hit me on my chest. It was with a flat hand and not a fist. More like an open hand slap on the chest. I can see where I provoked him. But he just sits there while I try to talk to him and ignore me because it is cool or something. And he likes to "kick me out" of his apartment. He will just tell me to leave and something I do. But Monday night it was a little hard to leave since I didn't have a car, any keys or a cell phone.
Adrian just gets in the abusive state or verbal shit when he is mad. I deserve people on the street and no one should have to put up with my shit. But he can't see that if he would just listen and talk to me he wouldn't have to put up with my shit. What the fuck is the reasoning behind getting mad at me when I have a problem with my throat and I am concerned? Especially since it cost me so much money before. And what is the point with throwing comments at me like, "Well, go see an ENT guy?" I wouldn't do that unless I wanted to waste money on a doctor's visit but you can at least look at this white thing sitting on my tonsil and make sure it isn't supposed to be there. He didn't realize it was there, and he has admitted to that but when I finally located it he wasn't willing to take a look. Instead he got really pissy.
We got really verbal and we broke up. And I seriously thought it was real this time. I left on foot. I got to Bert Kouns and he was driving after me. I crossed the street and ignored him while he drove next to me on and off for about three quarters of a mile. He kept turning around and coming back. But I was ignoring him. At some point he said something like, "How am I supposed to talk to you if you won't answer me?" And I told him, "Drive and talk at the same time asshole." "Fine, fuck you." And as he said it I can hear his accent. I don't like that he is so comfortable with being so verbally abusive.
We never really took it that far before.
He finally cornered me at Chef Lee and made me get into the car. He took me home and drove away but peeled out as he left.
and i am tired
The two most recent fights were pretty ridiculous.
My throat hurt. I told Sarah that and that I felt like something was stuck there. She told me it could be a tonsil stone. OK, ewww and gross. So, I asked Adrian to take a look at it and he said that he would. I came to his apartment on Monday for him to take a look and after we were going to go to the Revel because it was a free day.
Sarah dropped me off there because Michelle had my car so that she could go to grad school. I didn't have my keys to my apartment either. Shortly after arriving at his apartment my phone's battery died. Well, my throat: He looks and found nothing that concerned him but I, being obsessive, wasn't convinced. I would like to note that I can't help that I am obsessive, it kind of comes with the territory. I like to investigate and get to the bottom of things. I know that this can be annoying and I am really sorry. I think that my obsessive characteristic is my most selfish characteristic. Selfish in that I don't care what the effect is on you when I am being "investigative."
I was still bother by it at the Revel but what ev, right? Adrian was also being really, really sweet that night. I mean, more so than usual. I am on this kick where I want to pay for everything of mine, maybe that is why. So, I figured out how many tickets he needed for a beer and a turkey leg. And then I figured out how many I needed. We decided to share a funnel cake so we split that number in half. We got his food and then mine, plus the funnel cake. I sat with the food while he got my Italian ice and his beer. But, whenever I was figuring out how many tickets I needed I didn't calculate correctly so he had to go get the difference plus our drinks. I was so so so worried that he would throw a hissy fit about having to get more tickets first but he didn't. I mean, yo, I am alright with Adrian being tempermental.
He came back and everything was good while we ate our food. I sense that I am just here sometimes. I feel like we don't talk a whole lot anymore. I also feels this is normal. But sometimes I sit back and wait for something significant to happen to spark a conversation. Usually it doesn't and he goes on with his food or his work or his distraction away from me. And is this how it is supposed to be? I really thought that a relationship that has gone this far would feel so much more intense. He just sits and doesn't talk.
After coming back from the Revel he looked at my throat again, but it was more because he knew that it was bothering me. At some point he got annoyed with me because I kept making him look. I did see something white back there and they felt really swollen. I was afraid that they were and that it would progress into something like I had a few years ago. Because the doctor then told me that if I had come at the onset of the swollen throat they could have treated with something antiflamitory as opposed with an antibiotic that cost Donny around 100 dollars. I would also find out that it was a upper respiratory infection that stayed with me for about two months. It was also around the time I had to have a wisdom tooth taken out and the doctor also told me that it could be related. Everything that happened then cost me around 550 dollars. So, I was a little concerned.
Once he got annoyed enough he went to his bedroom and started to read. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up. His light was off and I was just so mad that he would just go to sleep. I went into his bedroom and flicked him really hard on the face. I guess because when he gets annoyed with me he just ignores me because he thinks that I am full of shit or something. I feel like it is a respect thing, like he lacks respect for me. He didn't react too well to the flicking. And at some point when he just started to ignore me again I pinched his nipple. So, at this point, he kind of hit me on my chest. It was with a flat hand and not a fist. More like an open hand slap on the chest. I can see where I provoked him. But he just sits there while I try to talk to him and ignore me because it is cool or something. And he likes to "kick me out" of his apartment. He will just tell me to leave and something I do. But Monday night it was a little hard to leave since I didn't have a car, any keys or a cell phone.
Adrian just gets in the abusive state or verbal shit when he is mad. I deserve people on the street and no one should have to put up with my shit. But he can't see that if he would just listen and talk to me he wouldn't have to put up with my shit. What the fuck is the reasoning behind getting mad at me when I have a problem with my throat and I am concerned? Especially since it cost me so much money before. And what is the point with throwing comments at me like, "Well, go see an ENT guy?" I wouldn't do that unless I wanted to waste money on a doctor's visit but you can at least look at this white thing sitting on my tonsil and make sure it isn't supposed to be there. He didn't realize it was there, and he has admitted to that but when I finally located it he wasn't willing to take a look. Instead he got really pissy.
We got really verbal and we broke up. And I seriously thought it was real this time. I left on foot. I got to Bert Kouns and he was driving after me. I crossed the street and ignored him while he drove next to me on and off for about three quarters of a mile. He kept turning around and coming back. But I was ignoring him. At some point he said something like, "How am I supposed to talk to you if you won't answer me?" And I told him, "Drive and talk at the same time asshole." "Fine, fuck you." And as he said it I can hear his accent. I don't like that he is so comfortable with being so verbally abusive.
We never really took it that far before.
He finally cornered me at Chef Lee and made me get into the car. He took me home and drove away but peeled out as he left.
and i am tired