(no subject)
okay so in the song Ghetto Superstar, the rapper DEFFINATELY says "make you do a pas de bouree/make you do ballet..." OMG. Ballet in RAP music?!?! i think today is starting to get better!
life continues to be the weirdest kalidescope of emotions. i think my biggest problem right now is generally lethargy and laziness combined with a fear of being hurt. i'm so lazy and burned out that i blew off classes this fall [grades are up on SPIRE kids, in case you haven't heard...]and i should've had better ones, and i know that everyone always says that...but i really should've...if i had the energy to care.
i came to a lot of conclusions this past semester. i realized that, even though i've been trying to convince myself otherwise for years, i am a performer. it's what i love..it's where i feel like a legitmate..human. it's what kept me alive in higschool (litterally) and what kept me sane my first year of college. i've decided that it's time for me to accept the fact that i love being on stage, and to quit being ashamed of it. for years it was something that i sorta did on the side, and performing was always something that got in the way of "real priorities" especially at the boarding school that i went to, where we were supossed to be these super-human machines that were incredible scholars, athletes, and performers ALL AT ONCE. it was very...Greek, come to think of it. the problem was, even though we were supossed to be "well-rounded," greater weight was given of course to "academic" fields, and performing, be it dance or theatre, was considered "lesser." i was the campus "performer" and therefore i always felt like a "lesser" part of the school...so i'm still dealing with the stigma that performers aren't intellecutal, whole beings. they just dance around and entertain people. now, i don't actually believe this, but this is what the world believes. i've realized that regardless of what the world thinks [when has that ever stopped me before? honestly!] i'm going to declare the theater major when we return to amherst in the fall, because this way, i'm finally being true to myself. sure i love art, history, litterature, etc. and other "academic" things, but in the end i have to do what fufills me, cliche as it sounds.
in the meantime, i'm trying to learn to be less gaurded with my heart. i used to walk around with my heart in my hand, arm outstretched - giving it to whoever would take it, only to be crushed later. because i've been hurt so much in the past, i've realized that i've put all these walls up- in the words of kylie i'm "like fort knox, no one gets in..." it's becoming increasingly difficult to get close to me in a platonic sense, but impossible in a romantic sense. my first reaction when meeting guys at a party or a club or something is, "what is his agenda? what does he want? there's a scheme that he's planning that i don't know about..." this is really sick. wtf is wrong with me?? also, i've become so great a detatching myself from becoming emotionally connected to people...if i find that i'm starting to crush on someone, i'll talk myself out of it really quickly without even realizing it....i'll think of a million reasons why they're not my type, why it can't work, why they're wrong for me, etc etc etc....this happens really fast without me even knowing, and before i know it...i find myself *cringing* when their number shows up on my cell phone screen, when i have NO REASON to be angry...i'm MAD that they're showing interest in me...and i find myself becoming exasperated with them.
i'm so neurotic. omg.
yeah...so i guess it's like what T.S. Elliot said in his poem "The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock..."
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair- 40
[They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!"]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin-
[They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!"]
Do I dare 45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
love,
mare
life continues to be the weirdest kalidescope of emotions. i think my biggest problem right now is generally lethargy and laziness combined with a fear of being hurt. i'm so lazy and burned out that i blew off classes this fall [grades are up on SPIRE kids, in case you haven't heard...]and i should've had better ones, and i know that everyone always says that...but i really should've...if i had the energy to care.
i came to a lot of conclusions this past semester. i realized that, even though i've been trying to convince myself otherwise for years, i am a performer. it's what i love..it's where i feel like a legitmate..human. it's what kept me alive in higschool (litterally) and what kept me sane my first year of college. i've decided that it's time for me to accept the fact that i love being on stage, and to quit being ashamed of it. for years it was something that i sorta did on the side, and performing was always something that got in the way of "real priorities" especially at the boarding school that i went to, where we were supossed to be these super-human machines that were incredible scholars, athletes, and performers ALL AT ONCE. it was very...Greek, come to think of it. the problem was, even though we were supossed to be "well-rounded," greater weight was given of course to "academic" fields, and performing, be it dance or theatre, was considered "lesser." i was the campus "performer" and therefore i always felt like a "lesser" part of the school...so i'm still dealing with the stigma that performers aren't intellecutal, whole beings. they just dance around and entertain people. now, i don't actually believe this, but this is what the world believes. i've realized that regardless of what the world thinks [when has that ever stopped me before? honestly!] i'm going to declare the theater major when we return to amherst in the fall, because this way, i'm finally being true to myself. sure i love art, history, litterature, etc. and other "academic" things, but in the end i have to do what fufills me, cliche as it sounds.
in the meantime, i'm trying to learn to be less gaurded with my heart. i used to walk around with my heart in my hand, arm outstretched - giving it to whoever would take it, only to be crushed later. because i've been hurt so much in the past, i've realized that i've put all these walls up- in the words of kylie i'm "like fort knox, no one gets in..." it's becoming increasingly difficult to get close to me in a platonic sense, but impossible in a romantic sense. my first reaction when meeting guys at a party or a club or something is, "what is his agenda? what does he want? there's a scheme that he's planning that i don't know about..." this is really sick. wtf is wrong with me?? also, i've become so great a detatching myself from becoming emotionally connected to people...if i find that i'm starting to crush on someone, i'll talk myself out of it really quickly without even realizing it....i'll think of a million reasons why they're not my type, why it can't work, why they're wrong for me, etc etc etc....this happens really fast without me even knowing, and before i know it...i find myself *cringing* when their number shows up on my cell phone screen, when i have NO REASON to be angry...i'm MAD that they're showing interest in me...and i find myself becoming exasperated with them.
i'm so neurotic. omg.
yeah...so i guess it's like what T.S. Elliot said in his poem "The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock..."
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair- 40
[They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!"]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin-
[They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!"]
Do I dare 45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
love,
mare