Backsliding Away
(Note: I wrote this last night but didn't post it to this community until today. Sorry for cross-posting.)
I am such a fucking idiot. This whole day was a waste - worse than a waste - because I am so lame. I cannot express how much I loathe myself sometimes. Understand that I'll be okay. I don't need reassurances. I'm just blowing this off in writing because that's all I can do with it. Can't yell or scream or break plates or kick the cat. Can't jump out the window(not high enough), shoot myself (no gun - guess why), or take all my meds at once (okay, I could do that but I promised not to).
This is that same old song. The one where I weep as though the world had ended without me. The one where what should have been a non-incident triggers a typhoon of tears and wasted words, wasted time where if only I weren't such an idiot something good might have happened. I know by saying that I am an idiot I reinforce it but for almost 40 years I have practiced saying positive affirmations only to find that when this tune starts playing in my brain all those pretty words turn into lies.
I did something today so stupid, something pointless and brash and lacking any possibility of a positive outcome. I did it without one seconds' forethought. It did not turn our well.
This is the 'paint it black' part of me, the face I hid from the children, or tried to. The moment comes out of nowhere, and suddenly a table is overturned, a word that can't be unsaid flees my lips to pierce the ears and hearts of those I respect and care for.
I have two grownup kids who astonish me with their wonderfulness. My partner and I are so mellow and well-suited that waking each morning is still a revelation. But I've fuck-all else to show for the rest of my life. Partly because of this massively destructive force fucking with me right now every few weeks or whenever it darned well pleases.
And I still bleeve someday it all will get better.
I will now sleep off the drugs I took to kill the pain of being me.
p/bpd
I am such a fucking idiot. This whole day was a waste - worse than a waste - because I am so lame. I cannot express how much I loathe myself sometimes. Understand that I'll be okay. I don't need reassurances. I'm just blowing this off in writing because that's all I can do with it. Can't yell or scream or break plates or kick the cat. Can't jump out the window(not high enough), shoot myself (no gun - guess why), or take all my meds at once (okay, I could do that but I promised not to).
This is that same old song. The one where I weep as though the world had ended without me. The one where what should have been a non-incident triggers a typhoon of tears and wasted words, wasted time where if only I weren't such an idiot something good might have happened. I know by saying that I am an idiot I reinforce it but for almost 40 years I have practiced saying positive affirmations only to find that when this tune starts playing in my brain all those pretty words turn into lies.
I did something today so stupid, something pointless and brash and lacking any possibility of a positive outcome. I did it without one seconds' forethought. It did not turn our well.
This is the 'paint it black' part of me, the face I hid from the children, or tried to. The moment comes out of nowhere, and suddenly a table is overturned, a word that can't be unsaid flees my lips to pierce the ears and hearts of those I respect and care for.
I have two grownup kids who astonish me with their wonderfulness. My partner and I are so mellow and well-suited that waking each morning is still a revelation. But I've fuck-all else to show for the rest of my life. Partly because of this massively destructive force fucking with me right now every few weeks or whenever it darned well pleases.
And I still bleeve someday it all will get better.
I will now sleep off the drugs I took to kill the pain of being me.
p/bpd