new year, new attitude
so with this new year i have realized what i became when i went down south. i was this mean controlling person and i just wish i was never like that. i took all my aggressions out on my boyfriend and i was just not me. i didnt want to go out i was so moody and idk why. it took me almost loosing him to figure that out too. like i am so sorry i had to put him through that. have you ever met someone who just makes you so happy. like even thinking about saying their name brings a smile to your face. like i just can control how i feel about him. its like my world stops when im with him. and i dont know why. its only been 2 months and this kid is my heart. when i think about it im like wow i sound like a psycho stalker. but i have no idea why. its just something i have to have. the thought of being without him put a huge weight on my chest. and ive never felt like this before. i feel a heavy weight when im worried that im just too much for him. i know bc i realize i am the one who has been wrong this whole time. and i think its bc i was so scared of being hurt and cheated on again. i hate the fact that my life had to be impacted like that. but he has taught me to open up. he has taught me that not everyone out there is out to fool you and hurt you. and most importantly he has taught me that all my past relationships are stepping stones. i need to learn from them and leave them in the past. its just so great to know that when im worried or mad or upset i can talk to him and for some reason he never yells at me or anything. hes calm. im not scared of him or what he will do. and its amazing. when im in his arms all i can compare it to is a calm ocean. like right on a nice summer evening when everything is cooling down from the whole day. the waters are calm and all you hear is the water hitting up against the sand. its just pure serenity. and now realizing this i know what i need to do to change. i know that i will be at loss if i dont. and i know that he is what made me realize that i need to change for myself. he deserves someone who will be good to him. and because of this i WILL change. because he means that much to me. well im not sure if i even want people to read this but hey, i doubt anyone will get to the bottom anyway.