Insomniac Rantings?....
... no, i regret to
say this is only a medication-enduced "euphoria". Hah. I do beg to
differ. Now, for those of you who have my number half-dialed, ready to
reprimand me, please hang up your telephones. I havent backtracked
across the path of no return. I simply took a dexedine today as I was
leaving Enumclaw, so as to not fall asleep on the road. If you are
insistant that you would rather I have not taken the pill and
henceforth driven into the Snoqualmie River and died.... well, we have
a problem. Save your breath. Anyways, I only have a few precious pills
left, then I will be switching to an herbal energy remedy. Mind you I
dont abuse these of course, or even use them frequently. Any pill of
that nature found in my possession will only be ingested before I drive
a decent distance. (And no, it doesnt affect my driving, simply keeps
me awake.) Thanks for the care and concern though, eh?
I do hate this feeling, really. The parts where I am so out of my mind that words flow from my fingers, that part I love in the very moment. But when that feeling is over, I just feel... awake. Boring and normal and awake. I cant eat or sleep, I just am what I am in that moment. That isnt good enough for me. I've been thinking far too much latley, such as I do. Of course now with Monica gone, its much worse. Megan is gone too. Lily and I talk, and thats great, I love it. But we both have busy lives. So I will be ending up in my own little world a lot pretty soon, which is for the worst if you ask me. I am, however, hoping that I will be kept busy. I have school and choir, senior activities, the play, TAA, im working... and I have to find time to go to Enumclaw whenever I have the chance. So maybe after this week is over I will be able to avoid thinking in the whole. Ive been far too stressed latley. In my mind, however, it is all logical.
What am I doing with my life? No, seriously. I have no clue. Yes, I have all these plans. Go to Central, Theatre Management and Sex Therapy; but will either of those take me anywhere? Not in particular. Those are the things I enjoy above all else, but in this situation I fear that they are nothing but dead ends. It is near impossible to find and keep a constant stage managing job, and there is NO likely possibility of it anywhere near where I would want to locate. Same with sex therapy, it takes a big city. I CANNOT start college without having my major deteremened. I am not like that, I must have things planned out. I want to get in and out of college as soon as possible, because I want to start my life. And I want to do it before im 30, damnit! Ive been considering majoring in Buisness Management or Public Relations. Things that will make it easier to get a job, yet things I still enjoy to an extent. I was slightly considering Elementary School Counseling, but I cant deal with the psych department for that long. This is all driving me crazy. Half of the kids my year havent even heard the word 'college' yet, much less be planned out. But that is my nature, and I need to figure my shit out before I blow a gasket!
I do hate this feeling, really. The parts where I am so out of my mind that words flow from my fingers, that part I love in the very moment. But when that feeling is over, I just feel... awake. Boring and normal and awake. I cant eat or sleep, I just am what I am in that moment. That isnt good enough for me. I've been thinking far too much latley, such as I do. Of course now with Monica gone, its much worse. Megan is gone too. Lily and I talk, and thats great, I love it. But we both have busy lives. So I will be ending up in my own little world a lot pretty soon, which is for the worst if you ask me. I am, however, hoping that I will be kept busy. I have school and choir, senior activities, the play, TAA, im working... and I have to find time to go to Enumclaw whenever I have the chance. So maybe after this week is over I will be able to avoid thinking in the whole. Ive been far too stressed latley. In my mind, however, it is all logical.
What am I doing with my life? No, seriously. I have no clue. Yes, I have all these plans. Go to Central, Theatre Management and Sex Therapy; but will either of those take me anywhere? Not in particular. Those are the things I enjoy above all else, but in this situation I fear that they are nothing but dead ends. It is near impossible to find and keep a constant stage managing job, and there is NO likely possibility of it anywhere near where I would want to locate. Same with sex therapy, it takes a big city. I CANNOT start college without having my major deteremened. I am not like that, I must have things planned out. I want to get in and out of college as soon as possible, because I want to start my life. And I want to do it before im 30, damnit! Ive been considering majoring in Buisness Management or Public Relations. Things that will make it easier to get a job, yet things I still enjoy to an extent. I was slightly considering Elementary School Counseling, but I cant deal with the psych department for that long. This is all driving me crazy. Half of the kids my year havent even heard the word 'college' yet, much less be planned out. But that is my nature, and I need to figure my shit out before I blow a gasket!