(no subject)
it's weird, you know. how everything changes. i mean completely normal. but who ever said normal isn't completely bizarre. and strangely freakish. i doubt if anyone reads this. i suppose that's always a good line opener. makes one feel better. just in case no one actually does. makes you prepare for it. sort of. i worry sometimes. that the only reason i want to adopt so many kids and take in foster children is that i always want someone around who will love me. call it the i love everyone but it's hard to feel in return syndrome. well that's a lie. i feel it all the time. i suppose my expectations are just changing. my expectation of how people relate to one another. the fact that we're all simply human seems to hardly matter at times, then make all the difference. the confusion. i guess that's the best part. the part that's supposed to make you feel alive. then again, perhaps it's the clarity. at times we all feel alone. it's just a way of being. pity sucks. especially when there's so much to see, so much more moving and happening. it's amazing how different everyone's lives are. between apartment walls, colleges, states, water. 6,000 miles away a baby girl is being tossed in a garbage bin somewhere in ***$*** alley, just because of her sex. * taking out my frustration on racial tensions. i suppose race exists for a reason. but there is no reason. the idea of family or community because of pigments is what we bread as human beings. then we wonder why there's so much hostility and hate. we do it ourselves. our need of community, our need to feel special is what does it. then again it only takes a few to support that. a few too many by my standards. so i suppose this all arose because you see everything that goes on. everything that happens in spite of everything else. you just kind of watch. it's like a movie. to a coldplay song. slow and mournful. but then it's ok. their U2 being takes over. i wonder how we create movie/TV characters. it makes you wonder where they are in real life. but then they're everywhere. no more special than anyone that does exist. life is funny, in that you have to remind yourself that everyone is beautiful. ehh, that's a bit hypocritical and i suppose not everyone has to remind themselves that the world is beautiful. usually before they reach that point there's a shot gun involved. but not always. don't you ever wish a hug could fix everything? that love can? that something, your want, your desire could. that you love them could? that just because you've never met doesn't affect your love? that you first begin to love them when they're not in your presence, when you can reflect. when you still love someone you knew a long time ago. despise the person they've become. but love them nonetheless. it's possible. to despise them, meaning that if you were them, you would despise yourself, but because they're just doing their best, that's all there is. and love them. not to say that you think yourself better than them, but that you would have no excuse for such actions in your life. different experiences lead to different endings. what's ok with them isn't ok with you.
i love how i don't have to always remind myself the world is beautiful, special as a world, but not by the individual. coffee shops with scrabble where two fucking letters get you a zillion points. bastards :) where you just wish that some things were different. where you believe people don't just give or take back for fear of being alone. for fear that the passion won't return. fear of loss. well you'd have to let go in the first place. their growth has stopped. but that's fine. not to me, but there's nothing wrong with not growing. to be static is comfort to all, for a large portion. sometimes it just feels better to stay.
for all of those who knew me in middle school, you are, i am sure, familiar with my eigth grade love life. or lack there of. sometimes i think that emotion i had is the best it could ever be, simply because it wasn't real. it was a dream. something i made up all in my head. it was a new experience. something perfect. because i was safe. at home. protected and loved. what a home is supposed to be. i can't imagine not having that. i want to give that to so many who others neglect. it's just the way it works. to neglect others is a way of life. but i want to stop. and look at them. and love them. because i do.
i hate the weakness not to move. i hate to see one resign, to just accept that things won't get better. but all the opportunity is there. just disguised a bit more than usual. i want to live. i want everyone to live. sometimes it's just to what degree do you decide to do it? idealistically, you'd think that highest you can, the most full, passionate life you can lead. but what do you do when your expectations just aren't fulfilled? don't give in. keep them the same. and just wait. because one day they will be fulfilled.
* deleted politically incorrect statement making reference to a won ton and a cracker.
i love how i don't have to always remind myself the world is beautiful, special as a world, but not by the individual. coffee shops with scrabble where two fucking letters get you a zillion points. bastards :) where you just wish that some things were different. where you believe people don't just give or take back for fear of being alone. for fear that the passion won't return. fear of loss. well you'd have to let go in the first place. their growth has stopped. but that's fine. not to me, but there's nothing wrong with not growing. to be static is comfort to all, for a large portion. sometimes it just feels better to stay.
for all of those who knew me in middle school, you are, i am sure, familiar with my eigth grade love life. or lack there of. sometimes i think that emotion i had is the best it could ever be, simply because it wasn't real. it was a dream. something i made up all in my head. it was a new experience. something perfect. because i was safe. at home. protected and loved. what a home is supposed to be. i can't imagine not having that. i want to give that to so many who others neglect. it's just the way it works. to neglect others is a way of life. but i want to stop. and look at them. and love them. because i do.
i hate the weakness not to move. i hate to see one resign, to just accept that things won't get better. but all the opportunity is there. just disguised a bit more than usual. i want to live. i want everyone to live. sometimes it's just to what degree do you decide to do it? idealistically, you'd think that highest you can, the most full, passionate life you can lead. but what do you do when your expectations just aren't fulfilled? don't give in. keep them the same. and just wait. because one day they will be fulfilled.
* deleted politically incorrect statement making reference to a won ton and a cracker.