i think that if you only use 'and' 4 times in a work, perhaps you should not use it as the first word? i think that's where it's reading weird b/c it starts off weird. the meter requires that syllable, yes, but you are much more creative than simply putting 'and' there.
what a visual piece though. lots of questions remain after reading. why, is this happening for instance? how did this become the solution? obviously this is some self cleansing/purification metaphor, no? i think you need to continue this one for itself. it's not absolute shit by any means, and you're stupid.
anyway, it's not like my constructive criticism means much. i'm just some amateur :)
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i think that if you only use 'and' 4 times in a work, perhaps you should not use it as the first word? i think that's where it's reading weird b/c it starts off weird. the meter requires that syllable, yes, but you are much more creative than simply putting 'and' there.
what a visual piece though. lots of questions remain after reading. why, is this happening for instance? how did this become the solution? obviously this is some self cleansing/purification metaphor, no? i think you need to continue this one for itself. it's not absolute shit by any means, and you're stupid.
anyway, it's not like my constructive criticism means much. i'm just some amateur :)
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I started it off with and because I was trying to force a sense of in media res... Definitely not something I usually do.
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