Diary of an Asshole
I've been thinking a lot about this, and after some intense deliberation, I've decided that I will no longer apologize if I make a joke that someone doesn't like.
Here's what I believe. I believe laughter is the greatest gift God gave to man (besides Jesus, wikipedia, and the iPhone). I believe that the intent to make someone laugh is one of the most commendable sentiments possible. And I believe that God considers "intent" way more important than "interpretation" (read your Bible, bumboclots). And so, any attempt--successful or otherwise--to make people laugh is greatly appreciated in my book. So if, for example, someone asks you what you do for a living, and you jokingly answer "slave trader" in a room full of Afro-Americans, I really don't see the harm. I look at your intent. Your intent was to make people laugh, not anger them.
So here's the deal. I laugh at jokes. Yes, including Puerto Rican jokes, Jew jokes, Jesus jokes, and even retard jokes. Why? Because they're funny. A joke, by definition, is designed to get people to not take themselves so seriously... which is probably why I'm such a big fan of humor. Shit, if I had to be serious all the time, I think I'd have shot myself years ago.
Therefore, when I tell a joke, even if you don't catch on to the fact that it's intended as a joke or just flat-out don't think it's funny, you should know that my intent is to enrich your life by making you laugh. So why should I apologize for that? Why make me feel guilty for trying to bring a few delicate rays of humorous sunshine into your life, simply because you can't take a joke or don't get it? That doesn't seem fair.
So from now on, if I say something that bothers you, and you're bold enough to tell me so, I will reply with, "It was a joke." Not an apology. I will no longer diminish my happiness simply because of another's lack of a sense of humor. And I will no longer be made to think that wanting to make people laugh is wrong.
And before you argue, stop and think. Ask yourself, "is it really that serious? I mean, really." What can mankind gain from treating a subject with such malediction and reverence that one cannot laugh about it? Respectfully, if you can't take a joke and think that certain topics are "off-limits," then please do yourself a favor and do not talk to me anymore. Because inevitably, after enough conversations with me, you will want me to apologize for something I said, and I'll tell you to go blow yourself, and then you won't want to be my friend anymore.
I will only apologize if I fuck up a joke.
** ** ** ** **
That said, if you watched the VMAs, you're a fuckin idiot.
I never watch the VMAs anymore. When I know they're coming, I make it a point not to subject myself to such inane hypocrisy--a music network that never plays any music, giving awards to artists whose music they never play, and whose music really shouldn't be considered "music" anyway.
I do, however, have a newfound respect for Justin Timberlake. I still think he's super-gay, but what he said shows he's got balls. Gay balls. But balls nonetheless. I highly doubt MTV will change just because of him, but it's still a valiant effort that deserves an official Marc-Props™.
So a Marc-Props™ for Justin Timberlake. [[thumbs up]]
Anyway, in case you missed it, 50 Freakin-Sucky Cent and Kanye Krappy West have albums dropping on the same day. 50 Cent said that if Kanye's album outsells his, he'll retire. So now's our chance. Go out and buy as many copies of Kanye's album as you can. Yes, I realize it's probably a shitty album, but this is a "lesser of two assholes" type of situation.
Besides, we can always get rid of Kanye later with some sort of phony-fan-club assassination. You know... like how Selena died.
** ** ** ** **
Didn't watch the Emmy's either. No surprise there. I mean, they're basically the VMAs minus sex, plus Jews.
I am somewhat pleased to hear that Conan O'Brien won something, even if it is a bullshit category. Aside from that, the experience of reading the list of winners the next day was mostly just a series of depressed sighs and Areyoufuckinkiddingme's.
I think I'm just a few crappy reality shows shy of completely losing faith in the entertainment industry. Am I alone in this? I doubt it. I can't be the only one who has more than two hundred channels on his TV, but can NEVER seem to find a decent show to watch. Or who constantly goes to the movies not knowing ahead of time what he's going to watch, then after seeing the choices, decides that perhaps a root canal would be a better way to spend two hours.
And don't even get me started on the music industry.
I'd better stop here, because I fear that this will turn into another long, pointless, and monotonous rant.
I feel like hanging out. Call me up if you have any ideas. I'm up for pretty much anything. Except for taking shrooms... cause I'm not really a fun-guy. Ha HA! Wait...
Damn. I fucked up the joke. Sorry.
Here's what I believe. I believe laughter is the greatest gift God gave to man (besides Jesus, wikipedia, and the iPhone). I believe that the intent to make someone laugh is one of the most commendable sentiments possible. And I believe that God considers "intent" way more important than "interpretation" (read your Bible, bumboclots). And so, any attempt--successful or otherwise--to make people laugh is greatly appreciated in my book. So if, for example, someone asks you what you do for a living, and you jokingly answer "slave trader" in a room full of Afro-Americans, I really don't see the harm. I look at your intent. Your intent was to make people laugh, not anger them.
So here's the deal. I laugh at jokes. Yes, including Puerto Rican jokes, Jew jokes, Jesus jokes, and even retard jokes. Why? Because they're funny. A joke, by definition, is designed to get people to not take themselves so seriously... which is probably why I'm such a big fan of humor. Shit, if I had to be serious all the time, I think I'd have shot myself years ago.
Therefore, when I tell a joke, even if you don't catch on to the fact that it's intended as a joke or just flat-out don't think it's funny, you should know that my intent is to enrich your life by making you laugh. So why should I apologize for that? Why make me feel guilty for trying to bring a few delicate rays of humorous sunshine into your life, simply because you can't take a joke or don't get it? That doesn't seem fair.
So from now on, if I say something that bothers you, and you're bold enough to tell me so, I will reply with, "It was a joke." Not an apology. I will no longer diminish my happiness simply because of another's lack of a sense of humor. And I will no longer be made to think that wanting to make people laugh is wrong.
And before you argue, stop and think. Ask yourself, "is it really that serious? I mean, really." What can mankind gain from treating a subject with such malediction and reverence that one cannot laugh about it? Respectfully, if you can't take a joke and think that certain topics are "off-limits," then please do yourself a favor and do not talk to me anymore. Because inevitably, after enough conversations with me, you will want me to apologize for something I said, and I'll tell you to go blow yourself, and then you won't want to be my friend anymore.
I will only apologize if I fuck up a joke.
** ** ** ** **
That said, if you watched the VMAs, you're a fuckin idiot.
I never watch the VMAs anymore. When I know they're coming, I make it a point not to subject myself to such inane hypocrisy--a music network that never plays any music, giving awards to artists whose music they never play, and whose music really shouldn't be considered "music" anyway.
I do, however, have a newfound respect for Justin Timberlake. I still think he's super-gay, but what he said shows he's got balls. Gay balls. But balls nonetheless. I highly doubt MTV will change just because of him, but it's still a valiant effort that deserves an official Marc-Props™.
So a Marc-Props™ for Justin Timberlake. [[thumbs up]]
Anyway, in case you missed it, 50 Freakin-Sucky Cent and Kanye Krappy West have albums dropping on the same day. 50 Cent said that if Kanye's album outsells his, he'll retire. So now's our chance. Go out and buy as many copies of Kanye's album as you can. Yes, I realize it's probably a shitty album, but this is a "lesser of two assholes" type of situation.
Besides, we can always get rid of Kanye later with some sort of phony-fan-club assassination. You know... like how Selena died.
** ** ** ** **
Didn't watch the Emmy's either. No surprise there. I mean, they're basically the VMAs minus sex, plus Jews.
I am somewhat pleased to hear that Conan O'Brien won something, even if it is a bullshit category. Aside from that, the experience of reading the list of winners the next day was mostly just a series of depressed sighs and Areyoufuckinkiddingme's.
I think I'm just a few crappy reality shows shy of completely losing faith in the entertainment industry. Am I alone in this? I doubt it. I can't be the only one who has more than two hundred channels on his TV, but can NEVER seem to find a decent show to watch. Or who constantly goes to the movies not knowing ahead of time what he's going to watch, then after seeing the choices, decides that perhaps a root canal would be a better way to spend two hours.
And don't even get me started on the music industry.
I'd better stop here, because I fear that this will turn into another long, pointless, and monotonous rant.
I feel like hanging out. Call me up if you have any ideas. I'm up for pretty much anything. Except for taking shrooms... cause I'm not really a fun-guy. Ha HA! Wait...
Damn. I fucked up the joke. Sorry.