Why I'm no longer allowed in EL PORCAO
I don't drink tequila anymore. For many reasons, but mostly because after a while, it starts to convince me of things that just aren't true.
I learned that valuable lesson the last time I went to a Brazilian restaurant. This particular Brazilian restaurant is called EL PORCAO (a Spanish phrase which roughly translates to "the instant heart attack"), but if you haven't been to a Brazilian restaurant, they're pretty much all the same...
First of all, it's close to $60 per person--expensive, I know. But believe me... it's worth every mo'-friggin penny. They sit you down and take your drink order, and then they give you this little circular card with a green side and a red side. Green means go and red means stop, they tell you.
Then comes the meat. Oh, dear God, the meat. One by one, these guys in tuxedoes come to your table with every kind of meat you can imagine--sausage, chicken, game hen, steak, lamb, venison, pork, bacon, churrasco... you name it. And they'll bring it skewered on these huge swords, and if your card is green side up, they'll slice you off a few hunks of whatever meat is on the sword. And they'll keep doing it, so long as it's green side up. Even if you die, they'll keep serving you meat, if you keep your card green side up. In fact, I think they make you sign a release form before you sit that says something like, "We are not responsible for you're dumb ass not knowing when to stop." Or something like that.
So, anyway, they sit us down and I order a tequila right off the bat, cause I'm already pissed that I paid $60 bucks to get in here. They bring me the tequila. And then here come the swords. You have to understand... I effin' love meat (so long as it's not attatched to a man). So, I was in friggin' heaven. I started off with some churrasco. Then a little chicken. Then another shot of tequila. Then some lamb chops, and steak. Then more tequila. Then blood sausage. Then sirloin. Wash that down with some more tequila.
A couple more tequila shots later, I notice that they've stopped giving me meat. I didn't realize it at the time, but somehow the little circular card had been flipped to the red side. I was not at all aware of this. So I keep watching as the guys with the swords keep passing me by, giving everybody at the table more delicious meats.. but not me. They keep skipping me. And I'm trying to figure out why they won't give me more meat. God-dammit, why won't they give me the meat?!
Eventually, the tequila convinces me that I have to duel these guys for the meat.
Long story short, what started as a calm family dinner ended with me standing up on the table with a sword in my hand, yelling, "MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA!! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!! SERVE ME SOME MEAT, OR PREPARE TO DIE!!!"
Not only did I get kicked out of the restaurant, but they took a picture of me and taped it next to the hostess' booth to make sure I never go there again.
So yea... stay away from tequila, kids. Especially at a Brazilian restaurant.
I learned that valuable lesson the last time I went to a Brazilian restaurant. This particular Brazilian restaurant is called EL PORCAO (a Spanish phrase which roughly translates to "the instant heart attack"), but if you haven't been to a Brazilian restaurant, they're pretty much all the same...
First of all, it's close to $60 per person--expensive, I know. But believe me... it's worth every mo'-friggin penny. They sit you down and take your drink order, and then they give you this little circular card with a green side and a red side. Green means go and red means stop, they tell you.
Then comes the meat. Oh, dear God, the meat. One by one, these guys in tuxedoes come to your table with every kind of meat you can imagine--sausage, chicken, game hen, steak, lamb, venison, pork, bacon, churrasco... you name it. And they'll bring it skewered on these huge swords, and if your card is green side up, they'll slice you off a few hunks of whatever meat is on the sword. And they'll keep doing it, so long as it's green side up. Even if you die, they'll keep serving you meat, if you keep your card green side up. In fact, I think they make you sign a release form before you sit that says something like, "We are not responsible for you're dumb ass not knowing when to stop." Or something like that.
So, anyway, they sit us down and I order a tequila right off the bat, cause I'm already pissed that I paid $60 bucks to get in here. They bring me the tequila. And then here come the swords. You have to understand... I effin' love meat (so long as it's not attatched to a man). So, I was in friggin' heaven. I started off with some churrasco. Then a little chicken. Then another shot of tequila. Then some lamb chops, and steak. Then more tequila. Then blood sausage. Then sirloin. Wash that down with some more tequila.
A couple more tequila shots later, I notice that they've stopped giving me meat. I didn't realize it at the time, but somehow the little circular card had been flipped to the red side. I was not at all aware of this. So I keep watching as the guys with the swords keep passing me by, giving everybody at the table more delicious meats.. but not me. They keep skipping me. And I'm trying to figure out why they won't give me more meat. God-dammit, why won't they give me the meat?!
Eventually, the tequila convinces me that I have to duel these guys for the meat.
Long story short, what started as a calm family dinner ended with me standing up on the table with a sword in my hand, yelling, "MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA!! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!! SERVE ME SOME MEAT, OR PREPARE TO DIE!!!"
Not only did I get kicked out of the restaurant, but they took a picture of me and taped it next to the hostess' booth to make sure I never go there again.
So yea... stay away from tequila, kids. Especially at a Brazilian restaurant.