Topical Depression: November 19th, 2006
Topical Depression
a Marc Velazquez series of rants
Here's a new thing I'm trying, to help lower my blood pressure. I've found that it's very terapeutic to just let out all my anger someplace where no one will hear or pay attention to me... so why not LJ? So anyway, here's why I'm not happy...
** Why are we celebrating Christmas already? It's barely mid-friggin-November, and there was a Christmas parade on 136th Street, right by where I work. And as soon as I saw it, I wanted to grab one of the eager spectators sitting on the curb, shake them by the collar and scream, "What in God's name are you doing?! It's not for another month-and-a-half you shithead!! Stop it! Stop it now!" Every year we start worrying about Christmas earlier and earlier. This shit's got to stop. Or there will come a time, about five or six years down the line, where you'll be watching the fireworks display on the fourth of July and you'll turn to your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/prostitute and say, "You know, I should get to bed. I've got to start my Christmas shopping tomorrow."...
** If you slept in a tent for three days outside of Best Buy just to buy a PS3... you... are... an IDIOT!!!. I slept in my nice warm comfortable bed this whole week, and if I wanted to, I could drive to Wal-friggin-Mart and buy one right now. What the hell is the matter with you?! It's a video game console, not Lindsay Lohan's poonanny (and believe me, you're gonna want to get the first dibs on that, before it gets soggy). If you haven't bought one yet, and you're thinking about buying one at a much-inflated price from one of these assholes, let me give you a suggestion... take a hammer (any size, so long as it's heavy), hold it about a foot and a half in front of your face, and just bash yourself a few times right smack on the forehead. Because that way, you'll be in intensive care long enough so that by the time you get out, THERE'S A BETTER FRIGGIN SYSTEM OUT! And if you're lucky, you may end up experiencing some kick ass hallicinations... in Blu-Ray high-definition.
** The same goes for the Nintendo Wii. Just don't do it. I, myself, will NEVER by a product with such a stupid name. The pricks at Nintendo actually expect me to invite my friends over to "play with my Wii." Kiss my ass, Nintendo...
** On the subject of Christmas, I came across a story that was one of the most staggering pieces of news I have ever heard. I first saw it on the TV news. And when I heard it, I wanted to shove forks in my ears. I had to go online just to make sure it was true. The story, in case you weren't watching NBC that night (and odds are you weren't), was that Toys for Tots, a charitable organization run by the US Marines... part of our federal government... had rejected a bunch of talking Jesus dolls because--and I'm quoting the evening news, because I don't have the time or the energy to make shit up anymore--they didn't want to risk offending Jewish, Muslim, or atheist children. Are you freakin' kidding me?! First of all, where the hell are all these atheist kids?! What part of our country is so overrun with children that don't believe in God!? Kids will frickin believe anything!! I once convinced an 8-year-old I was Spider-Man. There aren't any athiest kids. None. They don't exist. But, giving the US Marines the benefit of the friggin doubt, suppose there were a bunch of athiest kids. Are atheists really that particular about how they celebrate THE FRICKIN BIRTH OF CHRIST!!! And it's all moot anyway, because the rule is, and has always been: if you're an atheist, you don't get Christmas. That's the deal. You can't celebrate the birthday of the son of someone who, according to you, doesn't exist. If you're not a friend of the family, you can't come to the birthday party. That's the way it friggin works. It's the tough-shit rule. Deal with it!
** And while I'm at it, let me say this: my fellow Christian brothers, please... please..... enough with the gay marriage thing. Stop the discussions. Stop saying that homosexuality is a threat to the American family. It's not. Okay?! It's not. Every time I hear someone say that in my proximity, I usually turn to them and politely ask, "Excuse me, sir, but... would mind explaining how homosexuality is a threat?" Then immediately they'll launch into a endless stream of circular reasoning, and after about thirty seconds, my head starts to swell up and blood comes shooting out of my nose. They talk about gays as if they're like Jehovah's Witnesses. Like they'll knock on the door and say, "Heeey! We've come to recruit!" And they talk their way into your house and redecorate it, and before long they've converted you into one big gay family. Or maybe there's a gay... Taliban of some sort (?!). And they sneak their way onto the metrorail or into the library, wearing black robes and matching pumps. And with your whole family watching, they begin to sodomize each other. Over and over again. Right in front of your fragile Christian eyes. And there goes another happy American home. And so, of course, the only way to stop it is to have a Constitutional Amendment that says exactly what marriage is. Are you freakin kidding me?! In case you pricks forgot, there's a principle in this country known as the separation of church and state. And it basically prevents the government from telling us what to believe. And it's a great priciple. Because it prevents this country from becoming like Afghanistan or Iran, where you can be put in prison or killed for not being Muslim. Or China, where you can be imprisoned if you're not worshipping in a government-sanctioned church. The separation of church and state was established for that exact purpose. So when you want to go and make a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, you're taking this great document that was written by some of the greatest minds in the late 18th century, and you're squatting over it and taking a massive shit on it, and then rubbing the excrement all over it, like some mongoloid kid. It's beyond stupidity. Besides, what right do we have to be so adamant about protecting marriage, when more than half of all Christian married couples can't even stay married. So give it a rest. Put the argument on the back burner for a while. Maybe read the Bible a little (Matthew 22:39, perhaps?). And save that energy for another stupid argument like immigration, or evolution, or that "pledge of allegiance" crap. You're gonna need it. Unless of course you're reading this, and you happen to be gay. In which case, I'd find a good hiding place if I were you. Take it from me... some of these people are crazy.
a Marc Velazquez series of rants
Here's a new thing I'm trying, to help lower my blood pressure. I've found that it's very terapeutic to just let out all my anger someplace where no one will hear or pay attention to me... so why not LJ? So anyway, here's why I'm not happy...
** Why are we celebrating Christmas already? It's barely mid-friggin-November, and there was a Christmas parade on 136th Street, right by where I work. And as soon as I saw it, I wanted to grab one of the eager spectators sitting on the curb, shake them by the collar and scream, "What in God's name are you doing?! It's not for another month-and-a-half you shithead!! Stop it! Stop it now!" Every year we start worrying about Christmas earlier and earlier. This shit's got to stop. Or there will come a time, about five or six years down the line, where you'll be watching the fireworks display on the fourth of July and you'll turn to your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/prostitute and say, "You know, I should get to bed. I've got to start my Christmas shopping tomorrow."...
** If you slept in a tent for three days outside of Best Buy just to buy a PS3... you... are... an IDIOT!!!. I slept in my nice warm comfortable bed this whole week, and if I wanted to, I could drive to Wal-friggin-Mart and buy one right now. What the hell is the matter with you?! It's a video game console, not Lindsay Lohan's poonanny (and believe me, you're gonna want to get the first dibs on that, before it gets soggy). If you haven't bought one yet, and you're thinking about buying one at a much-inflated price from one of these assholes, let me give you a suggestion... take a hammer (any size, so long as it's heavy), hold it about a foot and a half in front of your face, and just bash yourself a few times right smack on the forehead. Because that way, you'll be in intensive care long enough so that by the time you get out, THERE'S A BETTER FRIGGIN SYSTEM OUT! And if you're lucky, you may end up experiencing some kick ass hallicinations... in Blu-Ray high-definition.
** The same goes for the Nintendo Wii. Just don't do it. I, myself, will NEVER by a product with such a stupid name. The pricks at Nintendo actually expect me to invite my friends over to "play with my Wii." Kiss my ass, Nintendo...
** On the subject of Christmas, I came across a story that was one of the most staggering pieces of news I have ever heard. I first saw it on the TV news. And when I heard it, I wanted to shove forks in my ears. I had to go online just to make sure it was true. The story, in case you weren't watching NBC that night (and odds are you weren't), was that Toys for Tots, a charitable organization run by the US Marines... part of our federal government... had rejected a bunch of talking Jesus dolls because--and I'm quoting the evening news, because I don't have the time or the energy to make shit up anymore--they didn't want to risk offending Jewish, Muslim, or atheist children. Are you freakin' kidding me?! First of all, where the hell are all these atheist kids?! What part of our country is so overrun with children that don't believe in God!? Kids will frickin believe anything!! I once convinced an 8-year-old I was Spider-Man. There aren't any athiest kids. None. They don't exist. But, giving the US Marines the benefit of the friggin doubt, suppose there were a bunch of athiest kids. Are atheists really that particular about how they celebrate THE FRICKIN BIRTH OF CHRIST!!! And it's all moot anyway, because the rule is, and has always been: if you're an atheist, you don't get Christmas. That's the deal. You can't celebrate the birthday of the son of someone who, according to you, doesn't exist. If you're not a friend of the family, you can't come to the birthday party. That's the way it friggin works. It's the tough-shit rule. Deal with it!
** And while I'm at it, let me say this: my fellow Christian brothers, please... please..... enough with the gay marriage thing. Stop the discussions. Stop saying that homosexuality is a threat to the American family. It's not. Okay?! It's not. Every time I hear someone say that in my proximity, I usually turn to them and politely ask, "Excuse me, sir, but... would mind explaining how homosexuality is a threat?" Then immediately they'll launch into a endless stream of circular reasoning, and after about thirty seconds, my head starts to swell up and blood comes shooting out of my nose. They talk about gays as if they're like Jehovah's Witnesses. Like they'll knock on the door and say, "Heeey! We've come to recruit!" And they talk their way into your house and redecorate it, and before long they've converted you into one big gay family. Or maybe there's a gay... Taliban of some sort (?!). And they sneak their way onto the metrorail or into the library, wearing black robes and matching pumps. And with your whole family watching, they begin to sodomize each other. Over and over again. Right in front of your fragile Christian eyes. And there goes another happy American home. And so, of course, the only way to stop it is to have a Constitutional Amendment that says exactly what marriage is. Are you freakin kidding me?! In case you pricks forgot, there's a principle in this country known as the separation of church and state. And it basically prevents the government from telling us what to believe. And it's a great priciple. Because it prevents this country from becoming like Afghanistan or Iran, where you can be put in prison or killed for not being Muslim. Or China, where you can be imprisoned if you're not worshipping in a government-sanctioned church. The separation of church and state was established for that exact purpose. So when you want to go and make a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, you're taking this great document that was written by some of the greatest minds in the late 18th century, and you're squatting over it and taking a massive shit on it, and then rubbing the excrement all over it, like some mongoloid kid. It's beyond stupidity. Besides, what right do we have to be so adamant about protecting marriage, when more than half of all Christian married couples can't even stay married. So give it a rest. Put the argument on the back burner for a while. Maybe read the Bible a little (Matthew 22:39, perhaps?). And save that energy for another stupid argument like immigration, or evolution, or that "pledge of allegiance" crap. You're gonna need it. Unless of course you're reading this, and you happen to be gay. In which case, I'd find a good hiding place if I were you. Take it from me... some of these people are crazy.