(no subject)
A few days ago, I did something I hadn't done in years (six years, to be exact). I sat on my bed, near tears, and wondered whether everyone would be better off if I were dead. I don't really want to go into details as to why I thought this. If you know me well enough, then you know why.
Anyway, it's pretty astonishing how I got from a state of wanting to die to my current state of indifference. I'm sitting in one of the computer labs at the FIU Engineering Campus, and I can honestly say I don't give a damn about anything. A terrorist could bust in here and force me to do cock pushups at rifle-point, and I wouldn't do anything but yawn, strip to my bare ass, and ask him how many he wanted me to do. Then he'd say ten. And I'd tell him I've only been able to do three without collapsing from exhaustion. I might be able to try for four, but I'd risk pulling a muscle...
... stop. Recover from poorly written example in horrible taste. Continue....
I think what I was trying to say, is that crap continues to happen--some good crap, and some bad crap--and I just don't care. I pretend to care, so people don't think I'm weird. But really nothing matters to me anymore. I still go to class because everyone expects me to go, and because-- well frigg it, I got this far... no sense in stopping now. I still go to work because it's my responsibility. But if the place burned down overnight, I'd show up, stare at the ashes a while, shrug, turn, and walk away (I've been shrugging a lot lately). I still go to church because everyone expects me there... basically to avoid my mom's guilt trips. But to be honest, I really feel like God hears me better when I approach Him by myself, rather than with a bunch of other people. I really wouldn't care if I was unable to go to church. I don't care about anything.
Allow me to further illustrate with an example. Today I was waiting in line to get sushi, and in front of me, there was this dude standing with who I'm guessing was his girlfriend. So I notice his girlfriend is very... well, "fit" is the word, I guess. And soon enough, there's a pause in their conversation, and she looks back and catches my eye. So I tell her, "You're hot." At that point, the dude turns and gives me this look like he's gonna kick my ass. I look at him with an expressionless face, and shrug. And eventually he just turns around and shakes his head.
Why'd I do that, you might ask. Even now, I couldn't tell you. I don't know why. At that point, I didn't care about the consequences of my actions. Right now I'm late for Statics, because I'm writing this entry. I don't care. I'll probably dip out early, too... now that I think about it.
But really, I should go now. Not because I feel bad that I'm late, but because I have to take a wicked dump before class. Damn sushi...
Anyway, it's pretty astonishing how I got from a state of wanting to die to my current state of indifference. I'm sitting in one of the computer labs at the FIU Engineering Campus, and I can honestly say I don't give a damn about anything. A terrorist could bust in here and force me to do cock pushups at rifle-point, and I wouldn't do anything but yawn, strip to my bare ass, and ask him how many he wanted me to do. Then he'd say ten. And I'd tell him I've only been able to do three without collapsing from exhaustion. I might be able to try for four, but I'd risk pulling a muscle...
... stop. Recover from poorly written example in horrible taste. Continue....
I think what I was trying to say, is that crap continues to happen--some good crap, and some bad crap--and I just don't care. I pretend to care, so people don't think I'm weird. But really nothing matters to me anymore. I still go to class because everyone expects me to go, and because-- well frigg it, I got this far... no sense in stopping now. I still go to work because it's my responsibility. But if the place burned down overnight, I'd show up, stare at the ashes a while, shrug, turn, and walk away (I've been shrugging a lot lately). I still go to church because everyone expects me there... basically to avoid my mom's guilt trips. But to be honest, I really feel like God hears me better when I approach Him by myself, rather than with a bunch of other people. I really wouldn't care if I was unable to go to church. I don't care about anything.
Allow me to further illustrate with an example. Today I was waiting in line to get sushi, and in front of me, there was this dude standing with who I'm guessing was his girlfriend. So I notice his girlfriend is very... well, "fit" is the word, I guess. And soon enough, there's a pause in their conversation, and she looks back and catches my eye. So I tell her, "You're hot." At that point, the dude turns and gives me this look like he's gonna kick my ass. I look at him with an expressionless face, and shrug. And eventually he just turns around and shakes his head.
Why'd I do that, you might ask. Even now, I couldn't tell you. I don't know why. At that point, I didn't care about the consequences of my actions. Right now I'm late for Statics, because I'm writing this entry. I don't care. I'll probably dip out early, too... now that I think about it.
But really, I should go now. Not because I feel bad that I'm late, but because I have to take a wicked dump before class. Damn sushi...