What if? ; Yamajima
Title: What If?
Author: lovetoosweet
Pairing: Yamada Ryosuke / Nakajima Yuto ; side!Okajima
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He doesn’t know what to do because for so long he thought Nakajima Yuto was his only to find out he wasn’t.
Yamada Ryosuke hates how his chest aches at what his eyes were seeing. But he couldn’t look away, no matter how much he wants to do so. Instead, he continue plastering on that fake smile on his lips and hope that his eyes doesn’t betray him along the way.
He lingers at the back where there’s an open bar waiting for him to be consumed. He hadn’t said hello yet, but he knew his presence was already made know. Maybe this was enough? Maybe he had already done his role as a childhood best friend and now he could turn his back on this and never show his face ever again?
But then he heard that voice, the voice he was trying hard to avoid at all cost. “Ryo-chan, you came!” Nakajima Yuto sounded pleased and he looked younger than his age--29 now, the same as Ryosuke.
Slowly, almost as if it hurt, Ryosuke turn around to face the man. He had his smile on, but kept his eyes elsewhere because he knew that Yuto would be able to read through him. He always have been able to, after all.
“Oh. Hello. Yeah.” Ryosuke managed to stutter out and cursed himself for it. He raised his hand and extended it to the man that used to be his best friend, his other half. “Congratulations on your wedding, Yuto.” But not anymore.
However, Yuto didn’t accept the hand and only slapped it away so he could come closer and wrap Ryosuke in a warm embrace. The heat of Yuto’s chest was on Ryosuke’s face and the arms he longed to have was around his shoulders. Hugs were nothing new, they were usual, they were familiar, they were comforting, they were home.
“You’re such an asshole. We haven’t seen each other for years and then you just want to shake my hand?” Yuto murmured, his voice teasing just like it always has been. It feels like nothing had changed, but change it is.
With nothing better to say, Ryosuke only managed to mumble out an, “I’m sorry.”
Suddenly the warmth was gone and he was pushed back to the reality. Guests were continuing to pile up as more and more people arrive in their hometown. Yuto was standing in front of him with a suit that looked so good.
“You won’t leave right away, right? You’re going to attend the wedding?” Yuto asked, biting his lip. This was a habit that meant he was nervous and unsure of what he was asking for, Ryosuke hated that it’s directed at him right now. “I would’ve made you my man of honor, but you weren’t replying and we needed someone on the invi--”
“It’s okay.” Ryosuke had to but in, not wanting to hear the explanation. He had intentionally ignored Yuto’s numerous emails and calls, hoping he would give up. “I have to go to the bathroom. Where is it?”
Yuto was frowning but directed him to the bathroom anyway. “We’ll continue catching up later, okay? I’ll look for you.”
Ryosuke hummed in confirmation then walked away, walking past the bathroom he was supposed to go to. There was a huge balcony at the end of the hallway, a few people were there with drinks in their hand like him so he knew he wouldn’t be bothered.
Standing at the railing, he gazed at the beautiful scenery of the place he had grown up on.
Ryosuke loved the rain, loved how the pitter-patter of it sounds on the road. He loved the small puddles that he could step on to wet his feet. He loved how it suddenly becomes cold, almost chilling him through his shirt.
“Ryo-chan!” Yuto would always call, an umbrella opened on top of his head. “You’re like a kid.”
“I’m 17 year old. I am still technically a kid, right?” Ryosuke would always joke, eyes staring right at Yuto’s amused ones. “Don’t you want to feel the rain too, Yuu-chan?”
Yuto would shake his head, a huge smile on his lips. “I’m the brains in this friendship.”
Ryosuke, who would still be basking in the feeling of the water falling on his skin, would always turn to glare at his best friend. Then they would slowly smile and it would turn to giggles until it becomes a full fledged laughter. But no matter what, Yuto would always hold his gaze as if saying he was laughing with him and not at him.
Ryosuke took a long sip on his drink, feeling the alcohol burning down his throat. He doesn’t like this feeling at all, but it was nothing compared to how he’s really feeling. He continues drinking, letting the pain ebb away the loneliness that was currently suffocating him.
He stares at the scenery in front of him, remembering how it looked like early in the morning or late at night. He remembers climbing the Nakajima’s rooftop just so they could star gaze or wait for the sun to rise or set.
He has so many memories waiting to be remembered and not enough space in his heart to feel the pain. He was starting to ache all over, the constant reminder that he was alone in remembering right now.
“Shit.” Ryosuke cursed when he faced another dead end. It doesn’t matter that he’s lived in this City ever since he was born, he still always get lost. He has no sense of direction at all and it’s probably only miracle that lets him remember the way to and from school.
Or maybe the fact that he walks with Yuto has something to do with that.
“My mom will kill me.” he murmurs to himself as he goes back and tries to backtrack his steps once again. Surely he could still remember where he came from, right? Or at least the last turn he made?
Nope, he realized, he really doesn’t remember where he came from. Soon enough he was in a neighbourhood he doesn’t recognize or doesn’t really remember. The sun is about to set and his Mom will kill him for not bringing the eggs soon.
“I just want to go home.” he whined to himself, stalking down the road and panicking when he saw another dead end. He turned back, tried another road and was brought to somewhere he still doesn’t recognize.
The panic was starting to fill up his chest as his hands start to shake in fear. He doesn’t even know why, when he’s always lost and it’s not something new. But it was there, the tell-tale prickling in his stomach as his blood pooled in his head.
But as sudden as it came, it was gone. Because right there, in front of him, was a panting Nakajima Yuto still wearing his house slippers.
“You’re an idiot, Ryo-chan.” The boy panted, staring directly at him as if he would get lost again if he looked away. “How did you forget how to go home from the market?”
“I…” Ryosuke didn’t know, didn’t remember. All he could see is that Yuto is here for him right now. That’s all that matters. “Thank you for… for looking for me, though.”
Yuto smiled this time, eyes filled with his own relief. “I’ll always look for you, Ryo-chan and I’ll always find you no matter what.”
But this time, Ryosuke knew, Yuto won’t.
The walk towards the dining hall shouldn’t have been this long, Ryosuke thinks. He was pretty sure that the huge hall that people were mingling about earlier should be close to the dining hall. In fact, where was that huge hall earlier? He remembers it was close to the balcony, but he can’t honestly remember too well…
“Fucking hell. You’re so stupid, Yamada.” he whispers to himself as he fishes out his phone from his pocket to check the time. Dinner has already started and he can’t see any staff around, probably all there at the dining hall.
Walking some more, he finally sighed in relief when he saw a guard standing by a door.
“Excuse me, sir. Where’s the dining hall for the practice dinner of Okamoto and Nakajima?” he asked and almost cringed at the names. He honestly didn’t want to say it, but he doesn’t want to get lost in this huge place all day.
The guard gave him the direction and soon he could hear the faint sound of music being played and the soft chatter of conversation around him. He hated it and he didn’t want to come in. He doesn’t want to come in.
But he does, because he needed to see.
“The two of you look so good together!” Yuto’s Mom announced, snapping photos after photos of the two of them in their graduation toga. They both just glanced at each other and winked before taking the other’s hand and intertwining their fingers together.
The effect was instantaneous, both Moms squealed in joy as their husband just shook their head with a groan. Ryosuke squeezed Yuto’s hand and just smiled at the other’s blush.
They both graduated that day and accepted their diplomas. They were going to attend the same College and major in the same course. They were going to share the same dorm and live together for the first time ever. They were inseparable.
Someone had joked, back in their High School, that you won’t find Yuto without Ryosuke and Ryosuke without Yuto. They said, that the two of them were meant to be together. That in the end, they will still be together.
“Liars.” Ryosuke mutters under his teeth as he sees his old classmates fawning over Yuto’s engagement ring. They were all laughing and listening attentively at every word while sneaking glances at Yuto’s fiance that was engaged on a conversation with Yuto’s parents.
He watched them all smile wide when Yuto’s fiance finally turn around and wrap his arms around Yuto’s waist. They all introduced themselves and congratulated the two of them, saying how good they look together.
“Liars.” Ryosuke whispers again and immediately turned around to leave the hall.
He didn’t walk far, afraid he was going to be lost again. He just leaned on the wall a few feet away from the huge door of the dining hall. He honestly just want to leave, but he can’t. For some reason he wants to stay and watch Yuto look up at his fiance’s eyes with such love and adoration that Ryosuke could only dream to have for himself.
“You said you will always find me.” Ryosuke took a peek at the closed door. “Well, you’re not looking right now, are you?”
Ryosuke felt the soft press of Yuto’s lips on his own. It was smooth, chaste and just an innocent press of lips on lips. But it felt intimate in all sense of the word as he returns the touch.
“I’ll always look at you, Ryo-chan.” Yuto whispers as he wraps his arms around Ryosuke’s trembling form. “So you don’t have to worry. You don’t have to feel like I’m going to abandon you because I won’t,”
The shock of Ryosuke losing both his parents to the accident now felt numb and all he could feel is the comforting warmth his best friend was offering him. So he wraps his own arms around Yuto’s waist, around the waist of the only person he has left.
“You’ll always look at me, Yuu-chan?” Ryosuke asked.
“Always at you, Ryo-chan.” Yuto confirmed.
Ryosuke didn’t need the heartbreak, but he still had it anyway.
“Anyway! Keito this is my best friend, Ryo-chan. Yamada Ryosuke, this is my fiance and soon-to-be-husband Okamoto Keito.” Yuto had introduced after the dinner where he had come looking for Ryosuke. He found him still leaning by the wall and told him to wait as he brought his fiance to him.
“It’s nice to meet you, Yamada-san. Yuto has told me a lot about you.” Keito shook Yamada’s hand with a firm grip. He had a pleasant smile on his face and it was very hard for Ryosuke to hate the man.
“Oops! My co-workers are leaving for the hotel now. Let me just say goodbye, okay? Stay here.” Yuto suddenly said then looked at the both of them. “Talk to each other or something.” Then he left and disappeared in the crowd.
Ryosuke looked at the man, Yuto’s man, and frowned because he was looking at where Yuto had walked away with fondness in his eyes.
“I’m going.” Ryosuke suddenly announced and that managed to snap Keito out of his gaze. “Tell Yuto I had to leave.”
“Wait--but!” Keito tried to stop him, but he didn’t know how.
Ryosuke had managed to leave the man alone, confused at what had happened. He disappeared in the crowd, glad that he would have someone to follow out. He would be able to get a taxi in case he got lost. That’ll be fine.
He’ll be fine. Somehow.
Ryosuke hated the person he had become.
“Ryo-chan, do you want to eat pizza?” Yuto called from the doorway, hand on a phone. “I can get us your favorite white cheese.”
“Sure.” Ryosuke just answered, still staring at the photo in front of him. It was of him and his parents when he was a child. Yuto was there on the photo, too, by the corner. He used to always sneak in on their photos when they were about to click the shutter.
“Ryo-chan…” Yuto called and Ryosuke didn’t see the heartbroken gaze his best friend had.
Yamada Ryosuke had become a broken shell of the person he was before. Not even his best friend could pull him out of it.
That was the first mistake of all.
Ryosuke removed his tie the moment he arrived in his room. The hotel wasn’t huge or extravagant, but it was still comfy. He threw his jacket somewhere on the desk and his shoes followed the same fate on the floor. Then he threw himself on the bed, face down.
There were no tears because he had cried himself too many times before that now he couldn’t feel anything anymore. There’s only pain in his chest and the fear of suffocating from it.
He doesn’t know what to do because for so long he thought Nakajima Yuto was his only to find out he wasn’t. He finds out that no matter how many times he thought the man was his, Yuto belonged to someone else who looked at him with such love and adoration that Ryosuke could not compare.
What is he to Nakajima Yuto anyway?
Who knows?
“Ryo-chan…” Yuto was holding his hand, stopping him. “You can’t do this to me. To us.”
“I… Yuu-chan, I…” Ryosuke felt the tears prickling his eyes.
“Look at me and tell me, Ryo-chan. How could you just leave me here?” Yuto asked, tears in his eyes. He kept trying to look at Ryosuke’s face but couldn’t because the other boy has his head down stubbornly. “Look at me!”
“I can’t do it right now! Not right now!” Ryosuke screamed, pushing Yuto away hard. If he looked at his best friend’s eyes right now, he knew he wouldn’t be able to leave. He couldn’t take to see the pain in the other’s eyes that would reflect his own.
“B-But…” Yuto couldn’t finish his sentence because Ryosuke had slammed the door of their shared apartment closed for the very last time.
Ryosuke was jerked awake when he heard the doorbell and pounding going off in his room. It wasn’t the hotel because he didn’t order anything. Slowly, he pushed himself off the bed and cringed at the pain on his bed for sleeping like that.
But the pain was replaced with surprise when he saw who was on the other side of the door.
“Where did you go? It’s the night before my wedding! The last night of my being single! It’s tradition for best friends to spend it together.” Yuto told him with a raised eyebrow. “Have you forgotten?”
“No.” Ryosuke snorted as he let Yuto come inside the room. “But I remember that it’s for man of honor and not best friends.”
“Same difference.” Yuto rolled his eyes as he sat down on the bed and eyed the mess that Ryosuke must look like right now. “I see you didn’t even change clothes. That tired?”
Ryosuke hated how the spark in Yuto’s eyes from earlier, how the happiness from Yuto’s eyes when Keito was around wasn’t there anymore. Now there’s only sarcasm and raised eyebrows.
Ryosuke wonders if he had confessed to Yuto, would he be looking at him with love right now?
“I was in love with you, you know?” Yuto suddenly said out of nowhere and it snapped Ryosuke out of his thoughts. “Back then, when we were kids and when we were in College, I was in love with you.”
For some reason, Ryosuke knew that and he didn’t know what to say.
“I’ve loved you for so long that I had no idea what to do when you disappeared from me.” Yuto said as if he was confessing something, with his eyes on his hands. “You were so heartbroken when your parents died and I hated that I couldn’t help you. Then you left and I was alone.”
“I’m… sorry.” Ryosuke murmured from where he was standing. He hasn’t moved because he didn’t know where he was going. He was lost again and Yuto wouldn’t be the one guiding him back.
“I thought we were going to end up together. I thought we were going to get married with each other in the future.” Yuto confessed, smiling a little. It was a sad smile and Ryosuke hated it.
“You’re marrying someone better than me. Someone more deserving.”
“I am. And I truly love him.” Yuto agreed.
“He loves you, too.” Ryosuke remembered how Keito looked at Yuto as if he was the sun shining so bright.
“I know.”
There was silence between them. It wasn’t suffocating, but it wasn’t comfortable either. It was like there was something hanging in between them. There was a question left unanswered because no one had asked it yet.
What will happen to us now?
Yuto left after a few more minutes of staring at Ryosuke while Ryosuke tried his best to look as far away as possible. He didn’t want Yuto to see the truth in his eyes, how he loved Yuto back too. He didn’t want Yuto to see all his regrets and all the could have beens, all the what ifs in their life. He didn’t want Yuto to see him at all.
Because right now, the two of their gazes aren’t allowed to meet.
Yuto can only look at Ryosuke if Ryosuke isn’t looking at him.
Ryosuke is only allowed to look at Yuto if Yuto isn’t looking.
They are each other’s what if and that was the end of that because it doesn’t matter anymore.
They had lost their chance.
Author's Note: I shall repent for 3 days for this crappy fic and will try to come back with a better one. I am sorry. also i didn't read this again for fear of just deleting everything
Author: lovetoosweet
Pairing: Yamada Ryosuke / Nakajima Yuto ; side!Okajima
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He doesn’t know what to do because for so long he thought Nakajima Yuto was his only to find out he wasn’t.
Yamada Ryosuke hates how his chest aches at what his eyes were seeing. But he couldn’t look away, no matter how much he wants to do so. Instead, he continue plastering on that fake smile on his lips and hope that his eyes doesn’t betray him along the way.
He lingers at the back where there’s an open bar waiting for him to be consumed. He hadn’t said hello yet, but he knew his presence was already made know. Maybe this was enough? Maybe he had already done his role as a childhood best friend and now he could turn his back on this and never show his face ever again?
But then he heard that voice, the voice he was trying hard to avoid at all cost. “Ryo-chan, you came!” Nakajima Yuto sounded pleased and he looked younger than his age--29 now, the same as Ryosuke.
Slowly, almost as if it hurt, Ryosuke turn around to face the man. He had his smile on, but kept his eyes elsewhere because he knew that Yuto would be able to read through him. He always have been able to, after all.
“Oh. Hello. Yeah.” Ryosuke managed to stutter out and cursed himself for it. He raised his hand and extended it to the man that used to be his best friend, his other half. “Congratulations on your wedding, Yuto.” But not anymore.
However, Yuto didn’t accept the hand and only slapped it away so he could come closer and wrap Ryosuke in a warm embrace. The heat of Yuto’s chest was on Ryosuke’s face and the arms he longed to have was around his shoulders. Hugs were nothing new, they were usual, they were familiar, they were comforting, they were home.
“You’re such an asshole. We haven’t seen each other for years and then you just want to shake my hand?” Yuto murmured, his voice teasing just like it always has been. It feels like nothing had changed, but change it is.
With nothing better to say, Ryosuke only managed to mumble out an, “I’m sorry.”
Suddenly the warmth was gone and he was pushed back to the reality. Guests were continuing to pile up as more and more people arrive in their hometown. Yuto was standing in front of him with a suit that looked so good.
“You won’t leave right away, right? You’re going to attend the wedding?” Yuto asked, biting his lip. This was a habit that meant he was nervous and unsure of what he was asking for, Ryosuke hated that it’s directed at him right now. “I would’ve made you my man of honor, but you weren’t replying and we needed someone on the invi--”
“It’s okay.” Ryosuke had to but in, not wanting to hear the explanation. He had intentionally ignored Yuto’s numerous emails and calls, hoping he would give up. “I have to go to the bathroom. Where is it?”
Yuto was frowning but directed him to the bathroom anyway. “We’ll continue catching up later, okay? I’ll look for you.”
Ryosuke hummed in confirmation then walked away, walking past the bathroom he was supposed to go to. There was a huge balcony at the end of the hallway, a few people were there with drinks in their hand like him so he knew he wouldn’t be bothered.
Standing at the railing, he gazed at the beautiful scenery of the place he had grown up on.
Ryosuke loved the rain, loved how the pitter-patter of it sounds on the road. He loved the small puddles that he could step on to wet his feet. He loved how it suddenly becomes cold, almost chilling him through his shirt.
“Ryo-chan!” Yuto would always call, an umbrella opened on top of his head. “You’re like a kid.”
“I’m 17 year old. I am still technically a kid, right?” Ryosuke would always joke, eyes staring right at Yuto’s amused ones. “Don’t you want to feel the rain too, Yuu-chan?”
Yuto would shake his head, a huge smile on his lips. “I’m the brains in this friendship.”
Ryosuke, who would still be basking in the feeling of the water falling on his skin, would always turn to glare at his best friend. Then they would slowly smile and it would turn to giggles until it becomes a full fledged laughter. But no matter what, Yuto would always hold his gaze as if saying he was laughing with him and not at him.
Ryosuke took a long sip on his drink, feeling the alcohol burning down his throat. He doesn’t like this feeling at all, but it was nothing compared to how he’s really feeling. He continues drinking, letting the pain ebb away the loneliness that was currently suffocating him.
He stares at the scenery in front of him, remembering how it looked like early in the morning or late at night. He remembers climbing the Nakajima’s rooftop just so they could star gaze or wait for the sun to rise or set.
He has so many memories waiting to be remembered and not enough space in his heart to feel the pain. He was starting to ache all over, the constant reminder that he was alone in remembering right now.
“Shit.” Ryosuke cursed when he faced another dead end. It doesn’t matter that he’s lived in this City ever since he was born, he still always get lost. He has no sense of direction at all and it’s probably only miracle that lets him remember the way to and from school.
Or maybe the fact that he walks with Yuto has something to do with that.
“My mom will kill me.” he murmurs to himself as he goes back and tries to backtrack his steps once again. Surely he could still remember where he came from, right? Or at least the last turn he made?
Nope, he realized, he really doesn’t remember where he came from. Soon enough he was in a neighbourhood he doesn’t recognize or doesn’t really remember. The sun is about to set and his Mom will kill him for not bringing the eggs soon.
“I just want to go home.” he whined to himself, stalking down the road and panicking when he saw another dead end. He turned back, tried another road and was brought to somewhere he still doesn’t recognize.
The panic was starting to fill up his chest as his hands start to shake in fear. He doesn’t even know why, when he’s always lost and it’s not something new. But it was there, the tell-tale prickling in his stomach as his blood pooled in his head.
But as sudden as it came, it was gone. Because right there, in front of him, was a panting Nakajima Yuto still wearing his house slippers.
“You’re an idiot, Ryo-chan.” The boy panted, staring directly at him as if he would get lost again if he looked away. “How did you forget how to go home from the market?”
“I…” Ryosuke didn’t know, didn’t remember. All he could see is that Yuto is here for him right now. That’s all that matters. “Thank you for… for looking for me, though.”
Yuto smiled this time, eyes filled with his own relief. “I’ll always look for you, Ryo-chan and I’ll always find you no matter what.”
But this time, Ryosuke knew, Yuto won’t.
The walk towards the dining hall shouldn’t have been this long, Ryosuke thinks. He was pretty sure that the huge hall that people were mingling about earlier should be close to the dining hall. In fact, where was that huge hall earlier? He remembers it was close to the balcony, but he can’t honestly remember too well…
“Fucking hell. You’re so stupid, Yamada.” he whispers to himself as he fishes out his phone from his pocket to check the time. Dinner has already started and he can’t see any staff around, probably all there at the dining hall.
Walking some more, he finally sighed in relief when he saw a guard standing by a door.
“Excuse me, sir. Where’s the dining hall for the practice dinner of Okamoto and Nakajima?” he asked and almost cringed at the names. He honestly didn’t want to say it, but he doesn’t want to get lost in this huge place all day.
The guard gave him the direction and soon he could hear the faint sound of music being played and the soft chatter of conversation around him. He hated it and he didn’t want to come in. He doesn’t want to come in.
But he does, because he needed to see.
“The two of you look so good together!” Yuto’s Mom announced, snapping photos after photos of the two of them in their graduation toga. They both just glanced at each other and winked before taking the other’s hand and intertwining their fingers together.
The effect was instantaneous, both Moms squealed in joy as their husband just shook their head with a groan. Ryosuke squeezed Yuto’s hand and just smiled at the other’s blush.
They both graduated that day and accepted their diplomas. They were going to attend the same College and major in the same course. They were going to share the same dorm and live together for the first time ever. They were inseparable.
Someone had joked, back in their High School, that you won’t find Yuto without Ryosuke and Ryosuke without Yuto. They said, that the two of them were meant to be together. That in the end, they will still be together.
“Liars.” Ryosuke mutters under his teeth as he sees his old classmates fawning over Yuto’s engagement ring. They were all laughing and listening attentively at every word while sneaking glances at Yuto’s fiance that was engaged on a conversation with Yuto’s parents.
He watched them all smile wide when Yuto’s fiance finally turn around and wrap his arms around Yuto’s waist. They all introduced themselves and congratulated the two of them, saying how good they look together.
“Liars.” Ryosuke whispers again and immediately turned around to leave the hall.
He didn’t walk far, afraid he was going to be lost again. He just leaned on the wall a few feet away from the huge door of the dining hall. He honestly just want to leave, but he can’t. For some reason he wants to stay and watch Yuto look up at his fiance’s eyes with such love and adoration that Ryosuke could only dream to have for himself.
“You said you will always find me.” Ryosuke took a peek at the closed door. “Well, you’re not looking right now, are you?”
Ryosuke felt the soft press of Yuto’s lips on his own. It was smooth, chaste and just an innocent press of lips on lips. But it felt intimate in all sense of the word as he returns the touch.
“I’ll always look at you, Ryo-chan.” Yuto whispers as he wraps his arms around Ryosuke’s trembling form. “So you don’t have to worry. You don’t have to feel like I’m going to abandon you because I won’t,”
The shock of Ryosuke losing both his parents to the accident now felt numb and all he could feel is the comforting warmth his best friend was offering him. So he wraps his own arms around Yuto’s waist, around the waist of the only person he has left.
“You’ll always look at me, Yuu-chan?” Ryosuke asked.
“Always at you, Ryo-chan.” Yuto confirmed.
Ryosuke didn’t need the heartbreak, but he still had it anyway.
“Anyway! Keito this is my best friend, Ryo-chan. Yamada Ryosuke, this is my fiance and soon-to-be-husband Okamoto Keito.” Yuto had introduced after the dinner where he had come looking for Ryosuke. He found him still leaning by the wall and told him to wait as he brought his fiance to him.
“It’s nice to meet you, Yamada-san. Yuto has told me a lot about you.” Keito shook Yamada’s hand with a firm grip. He had a pleasant smile on his face and it was very hard for Ryosuke to hate the man.
“Oops! My co-workers are leaving for the hotel now. Let me just say goodbye, okay? Stay here.” Yuto suddenly said then looked at the both of them. “Talk to each other or something.” Then he left and disappeared in the crowd.
Ryosuke looked at the man, Yuto’s man, and frowned because he was looking at where Yuto had walked away with fondness in his eyes.
“I’m going.” Ryosuke suddenly announced and that managed to snap Keito out of his gaze. “Tell Yuto I had to leave.”
“Wait--but!” Keito tried to stop him, but he didn’t know how.
Ryosuke had managed to leave the man alone, confused at what had happened. He disappeared in the crowd, glad that he would have someone to follow out. He would be able to get a taxi in case he got lost. That’ll be fine.
He’ll be fine. Somehow.
Ryosuke hated the person he had become.
“Ryo-chan, do you want to eat pizza?” Yuto called from the doorway, hand on a phone. “I can get us your favorite white cheese.”
“Sure.” Ryosuke just answered, still staring at the photo in front of him. It was of him and his parents when he was a child. Yuto was there on the photo, too, by the corner. He used to always sneak in on their photos when they were about to click the shutter.
“Ryo-chan…” Yuto called and Ryosuke didn’t see the heartbroken gaze his best friend had.
Yamada Ryosuke had become a broken shell of the person he was before. Not even his best friend could pull him out of it.
That was the first mistake of all.
Ryosuke removed his tie the moment he arrived in his room. The hotel wasn’t huge or extravagant, but it was still comfy. He threw his jacket somewhere on the desk and his shoes followed the same fate on the floor. Then he threw himself on the bed, face down.
There were no tears because he had cried himself too many times before that now he couldn’t feel anything anymore. There’s only pain in his chest and the fear of suffocating from it.
He doesn’t know what to do because for so long he thought Nakajima Yuto was his only to find out he wasn’t. He finds out that no matter how many times he thought the man was his, Yuto belonged to someone else who looked at him with such love and adoration that Ryosuke could not compare.
What is he to Nakajima Yuto anyway?
Who knows?
“Ryo-chan…” Yuto was holding his hand, stopping him. “You can’t do this to me. To us.”
“I… Yuu-chan, I…” Ryosuke felt the tears prickling his eyes.
“Look at me and tell me, Ryo-chan. How could you just leave me here?” Yuto asked, tears in his eyes. He kept trying to look at Ryosuke’s face but couldn’t because the other boy has his head down stubbornly. “Look at me!”
“I can’t do it right now! Not right now!” Ryosuke screamed, pushing Yuto away hard. If he looked at his best friend’s eyes right now, he knew he wouldn’t be able to leave. He couldn’t take to see the pain in the other’s eyes that would reflect his own.
“B-But…” Yuto couldn’t finish his sentence because Ryosuke had slammed the door of their shared apartment closed for the very last time.
Ryosuke was jerked awake when he heard the doorbell and pounding going off in his room. It wasn’t the hotel because he didn’t order anything. Slowly, he pushed himself off the bed and cringed at the pain on his bed for sleeping like that.
But the pain was replaced with surprise when he saw who was on the other side of the door.
“Where did you go? It’s the night before my wedding! The last night of my being single! It’s tradition for best friends to spend it together.” Yuto told him with a raised eyebrow. “Have you forgotten?”
“No.” Ryosuke snorted as he let Yuto come inside the room. “But I remember that it’s for man of honor and not best friends.”
“Same difference.” Yuto rolled his eyes as he sat down on the bed and eyed the mess that Ryosuke must look like right now. “I see you didn’t even change clothes. That tired?”
Ryosuke hated how the spark in Yuto’s eyes from earlier, how the happiness from Yuto’s eyes when Keito was around wasn’t there anymore. Now there’s only sarcasm and raised eyebrows.
Ryosuke wonders if he had confessed to Yuto, would he be looking at him with love right now?
“I was in love with you, you know?” Yuto suddenly said out of nowhere and it snapped Ryosuke out of his thoughts. “Back then, when we were kids and when we were in College, I was in love with you.”
For some reason, Ryosuke knew that and he didn’t know what to say.
“I’ve loved you for so long that I had no idea what to do when you disappeared from me.” Yuto said as if he was confessing something, with his eyes on his hands. “You were so heartbroken when your parents died and I hated that I couldn’t help you. Then you left and I was alone.”
“I’m… sorry.” Ryosuke murmured from where he was standing. He hasn’t moved because he didn’t know where he was going. He was lost again and Yuto wouldn’t be the one guiding him back.
“I thought we were going to end up together. I thought we were going to get married with each other in the future.” Yuto confessed, smiling a little. It was a sad smile and Ryosuke hated it.
“You’re marrying someone better than me. Someone more deserving.”
“I am. And I truly love him.” Yuto agreed.
“He loves you, too.” Ryosuke remembered how Keito looked at Yuto as if he was the sun shining so bright.
“I know.”
There was silence between them. It wasn’t suffocating, but it wasn’t comfortable either. It was like there was something hanging in between them. There was a question left unanswered because no one had asked it yet.
What will happen to us now?
Yuto left after a few more minutes of staring at Ryosuke while Ryosuke tried his best to look as far away as possible. He didn’t want Yuto to see the truth in his eyes, how he loved Yuto back too. He didn’t want Yuto to see all his regrets and all the could have beens, all the what ifs in their life. He didn’t want Yuto to see him at all.
Because right now, the two of their gazes aren’t allowed to meet.
Yuto can only look at Ryosuke if Ryosuke isn’t looking at him.
Ryosuke is only allowed to look at Yuto if Yuto isn’t looking.
They are each other’s what if and that was the end of that because it doesn’t matter anymore.
They had lost their chance.
Author's Note: I shall repent for 3 days for this crappy fic and will try to come back with a better one. I am sorry. also i didn't read this again for fear of just deleting everything