What one little phone call can do to you...
So I warn you this one time: This might be the most whiniest, most emotional public entry I've ever posted in my whole life.
It's not short, either. Only read if necessary.
But I hope it will ease my mind a bit. So - no pity guys. A warm hug is always welcome atm, though.
Okay, here I go. I don't feel well recently - like most of you know. My belly [especially my underbelly] is hurting for quite a while. I've been to the doctor, even to the hospital once, but so far there was no explanation about this [though we haven't looked at my bowel yet] - besides stress.
I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out like this. Because university is pulling quite much pressure on me recently.But that would be okay as long as everything else would be alright. Which isn't.
You see, I've just realized that I still suffer from my last crush. And since she was connected to my first girlfriend I feel that the shadows of my past still come to eat me away sometimes. Concerning my first girlfriend, I'd like to tell a long story short. We've known each other for a damn long time before we got together. She was perfect. Our hobbies matched, our humor, our likings, everything - besides the fact that she was [or, still is, I suppose] fucking greedy and selfish. She did a few horrible things to me [though I want to make sure we also had a great time, otherwise there would have been no need for me to fight for this relationship as much as I did]. We were a couple for a long time but it didn't work out in the end. She broke up with me about two and a half years ago, April 2007.
I was really torn apart at that time but moved on. A few months later I met this other girl [I'll follow the tradition and name her M]. She was a big fan of the stories I wrote back then and finally made it to send me a PM on the site where I uploaded my works.
I happened to be a friend of one of M's classmates [also a writer on that site], so I had known about her before she wrote me. What I knew was this:
I really wanted to write with her because we had quite a few things in common.
And: I didn't want to get in touch with her - because she had met my ex a few months ago and they both got along quite well. I didn't want to risk to end up accidentally meeting my ex.
So, what did the fool do? Of course - answering the PM from M. I didn't want to be stuck on my first relationship forever - shying away from every single person she might know and stuff like that. And: it was only a message on the internet. There were still some miles between us.
M and I got along absolutely well. Though it took me months to trust her. To open up to her. But she seemed to know about my ex and me and was quite polite when it came to the topic "love" [besides me being there for her because she herself was lovesick over some girl who didn't want her]. We both opened up on this subject, eventually.
In the summer of 2008 M came to visit me for one week while my parents were away on vacation. It was a wonderful week - we had so much fun, so many things to talk about. It was the first time after my ex had broken up with me that I was finally able to enjoy myself to the fullest 24/7. You know - like I was finally over the whole love-sickness-thing.
After she was gone I realized I had a deep crush on her.
We both had to move from one city to another because we were both starting to attend university. It was quite unpleasant because we had planned to attend the same university, but M wasn't able to attend the one I needed for the subject I wanted. We were both flirting quite a lot and even talking about kissing and stuff like this.
M came to visit me again by the end of 2008. She stayed for nearly two weeks and we started to make out quite a lot.
It was like heaven. You know, I still can't believe how good it felt.
After we had spend some very wonderful days with quite a lot making out - she told me that she had only tried to forget about the girl she had been lovesick about [and obviously still was]. We stayed in contact until February - with quite a few arguments and unpleasant situations - before I called her up and yelled at her on the phone. I was being kinda unfair because I didn't gave her the chance to say much, but I didn't - and still don't - care.
It's not okay to fool around with someone else's heart to forget your own love-sickness, is it?
I was down the whole spring time. But it has gotten better and better. I have never cried about her as much as I have about my ex.
So, where is the connection to the beginning of my post? I've talked to my mother on the phone today. She is enjoying her treatment at a health resort [because she had quite a hard time during the last year]. I've realized how much I would like to get a timeout like hers as well - when suddenly an image of M popped up in my mind. And the pain in my belly increased rapidly.
I haven't been able to cry for months even though I felt like it a few times. And now I feel like I can't stop anymore.
The thing she did - it really hurt me. So far I've only been angry. Not really hurt.
I have to write an important Japanese test on Friday [my first subject in university] and I really don't need another down like this right now. Especially because I'm afraid I could get ulcers [or perhaps already have some]. No, not afraid. I'm really scared of it.
Can anyone give me an advice how to relax in the best way?
I'm more or less sure the stress will decrease a bit once the test is done. At least I hope so.
It's not short, either. Only read if necessary.
But I hope it will ease my mind a bit. So - no pity guys. A warm hug is always welcome atm, though.
Okay, here I go. I don't feel well recently - like most of you know. My belly [especially my underbelly] is hurting for quite a while. I've been to the doctor, even to the hospital once, but so far there was no explanation about this [though we haven't looked at my bowel yet] - besides stress.
I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out like this. Because university is pulling quite much pressure on me recently.But that would be okay as long as everything else would be alright. Which isn't.
You see, I've just realized that I still suffer from my last crush. And since she was connected to my first girlfriend I feel that the shadows of my past still come to eat me away sometimes. Concerning my first girlfriend, I'd like to tell a long story short. We've known each other for a damn long time before we got together. She was perfect. Our hobbies matched, our humor, our likings, everything - besides the fact that she was [or, still is, I suppose] fucking greedy and selfish. She did a few horrible things to me [though I want to make sure we also had a great time, otherwise there would have been no need for me to fight for this relationship as much as I did]. We were a couple for a long time but it didn't work out in the end. She broke up with me about two and a half years ago, April 2007.
I was really torn apart at that time but moved on. A few months later I met this other girl [I'll follow the tradition and name her M]. She was a big fan of the stories I wrote back then and finally made it to send me a PM on the site where I uploaded my works.
I happened to be a friend of one of M's classmates [also a writer on that site], so I had known about her before she wrote me. What I knew was this:
I really wanted to write with her because we had quite a few things in common.
And: I didn't want to get in touch with her - because she had met my ex a few months ago and they both got along quite well. I didn't want to risk to end up accidentally meeting my ex.
So, what did the fool do? Of course - answering the PM from M. I didn't want to be stuck on my first relationship forever - shying away from every single person she might know and stuff like that. And: it was only a message on the internet. There were still some miles between us.
M and I got along absolutely well. Though it took me months to trust her. To open up to her. But she seemed to know about my ex and me and was quite polite when it came to the topic "love" [besides me being there for her because she herself was lovesick over some girl who didn't want her]. We both opened up on this subject, eventually.
In the summer of 2008 M came to visit me for one week while my parents were away on vacation. It was a wonderful week - we had so much fun, so many things to talk about. It was the first time after my ex had broken up with me that I was finally able to enjoy myself to the fullest 24/7. You know - like I was finally over the whole love-sickness-thing.
After she was gone I realized I had a deep crush on her.
We both had to move from one city to another because we were both starting to attend university. It was quite unpleasant because we had planned to attend the same university, but M wasn't able to attend the one I needed for the subject I wanted. We were both flirting quite a lot and even talking about kissing and stuff like this.
M came to visit me again by the end of 2008. She stayed for nearly two weeks and we started to make out quite a lot.
It was like heaven. You know, I still can't believe how good it felt.
After we had spend some very wonderful days with quite a lot making out - she told me that she had only tried to forget about the girl she had been lovesick about [and obviously still was]. We stayed in contact until February - with quite a few arguments and unpleasant situations - before I called her up and yelled at her on the phone. I was being kinda unfair because I didn't gave her the chance to say much, but I didn't - and still don't - care.
It's not okay to fool around with someone else's heart to forget your own love-sickness, is it?
I was down the whole spring time. But it has gotten better and better. I have never cried about her as much as I have about my ex.
So, where is the connection to the beginning of my post? I've talked to my mother on the phone today. She is enjoying her treatment at a health resort [because she had quite a hard time during the last year]. I've realized how much I would like to get a timeout like hers as well - when suddenly an image of M popped up in my mind. And the pain in my belly increased rapidly.
I haven't been able to cry for months even though I felt like it a few times. And now I feel like I can't stop anymore.
The thing she did - it really hurt me. So far I've only been angry. Not really hurt.
I have to write an important Japanese test on Friday [my first subject in university] and I really don't need another down like this right now. Especially because I'm afraid I could get ulcers [or perhaps already have some]. No, not afraid. I'm really scared of it.
Can anyone give me an advice how to relax in the best way?
I'm more or less sure the stress will decrease a bit once the test is done. At least I hope so.