I am gray
Often people will say that they don'y know who I am because I hold too many secrets. The truth is, I never truly sat down to think about who I was as a person. Today I have. Through deep reflection, the best way I can describe myself is gray. As dark as I try to be, there is always some light poking through... and even in my brightest of moments, the darkness of selfishness shines through. I have been very close to the answers... if only I have listened to my critics. Mumbles, "what do they know about me anyway." Well obviously a lot. Before I continue, I am happy where I stand, and a change is no where near in my future, so those who have tried to change who I am can give up right now.
Who am I? I guess I should go back to my childhood for this answer. As a child, I rarely went out to play with other children, in fact, I chose to stay indoors and play with my toys. It was actually a lot of fun. Imagine a young 7 year old playing with his toy dinosaurs. Within the bounds of his mind a story more beautiful than many have ever shared is being carefully crafted in his young mind. That young child was me. Now violently pull this young child away from and give him adult problems that he never wanted to deal with. That is me today. If only life were as the song "row row row your boat" had said it was and had only been a dream. How grand would it be to kiss the tender lips of the princess! Instead, I sit here bleeding, my mortality exposed so that all can see my weakness.
At times you may notice that I am gazing away into the distance without a care for the world around me. Such is paradise... the heaven we all seek. It is during those moments that I am at peace. Some may argue that I should be grounded in what people call the real world. I hate this real world with a great passion. It is full of lies deceit, death, suffering, and a host of other hideous concepts.
Where did I get the term gray from? It has to do with my perceptions on life. If God and Satan were to have a son, his name would be Marc. I am perhaps one of the most self-centered people on earth. Every moment of every second I am calculating how every action affects me before I respond. A random act of kindness that I perform has to undergo several threat assesments before it is acted upon, thus rendering it a calculated act of kindness. I have the ability to think of another human being as expendable, a trait no person should have, but I do. My feelings on life have fallen to the point where I do not fear death. However, let us not dive into those waters, because they may be too cold for even the iciests of hearts.
My light side is filled with love and jubilation. I am a child at heart, and I wish the best for everyone with genuine intentions. I have dreams of falling in love and treating this young woman like a goddess could only dream to be taken care of. I am loyal to my friends and family and would gladly put my life down to help a friend in need. Yet, I am neither good or bad truly, I am in the middle... a moderate shade of gray balanced completely.
Such is how I can associate myself with a diverse range of humans. The drawback is that I never get close enough to anyone. Even the people I feel most strongly about do not know this mysterious side of me. Honestly, would you really want to know about my thoughts on death, my thoughts on war? I don't think so. Last time I tried to open up to a person about who I truly am, she became greatly offended...
Anyway, the truth is out. Those of you willing to venture foreward and know me completely are welcome to try. It has been a road to frustration and anxiety for many, but if you find it worth it, then go for it.
So what color would you define yourself as? Leave a comment, I'm curious.
Who am I? I guess I should go back to my childhood for this answer. As a child, I rarely went out to play with other children, in fact, I chose to stay indoors and play with my toys. It was actually a lot of fun. Imagine a young 7 year old playing with his toy dinosaurs. Within the bounds of his mind a story more beautiful than many have ever shared is being carefully crafted in his young mind. That young child was me. Now violently pull this young child away from and give him adult problems that he never wanted to deal with. That is me today. If only life were as the song "row row row your boat" had said it was and had only been a dream. How grand would it be to kiss the tender lips of the princess! Instead, I sit here bleeding, my mortality exposed so that all can see my weakness.
At times you may notice that I am gazing away into the distance without a care for the world around me. Such is paradise... the heaven we all seek. It is during those moments that I am at peace. Some may argue that I should be grounded in what people call the real world. I hate this real world with a great passion. It is full of lies deceit, death, suffering, and a host of other hideous concepts.
Where did I get the term gray from? It has to do with my perceptions on life. If God and Satan were to have a son, his name would be Marc. I am perhaps one of the most self-centered people on earth. Every moment of every second I am calculating how every action affects me before I respond. A random act of kindness that I perform has to undergo several threat assesments before it is acted upon, thus rendering it a calculated act of kindness. I have the ability to think of another human being as expendable, a trait no person should have, but I do. My feelings on life have fallen to the point where I do not fear death. However, let us not dive into those waters, because they may be too cold for even the iciests of hearts.
My light side is filled with love and jubilation. I am a child at heart, and I wish the best for everyone with genuine intentions. I have dreams of falling in love and treating this young woman like a goddess could only dream to be taken care of. I am loyal to my friends and family and would gladly put my life down to help a friend in need. Yet, I am neither good or bad truly, I am in the middle... a moderate shade of gray balanced completely.
Such is how I can associate myself with a diverse range of humans. The drawback is that I never get close enough to anyone. Even the people I feel most strongly about do not know this mysterious side of me. Honestly, would you really want to know about my thoughts on death, my thoughts on war? I don't think so. Last time I tried to open up to a person about who I truly am, she became greatly offended...
Anyway, the truth is out. Those of you willing to venture foreward and know me completely are welcome to try. It has been a road to frustration and anxiety for many, but if you find it worth it, then go for it.
So what color would you define yourself as? Leave a comment, I'm curious.