(no subject)
When I came home from work yesterday, Kyla told me her brother had called with the news that they're expecting their first baby.
I was really pissy the rest of the night.
I'm happy for them, of course. But more overwhelming than that is how much it hurts. I suspect there's only one person who may read this and understand all the feelings that I can't describe. Bitterness. Anger. Longing. We gather that they started trying right after their wedding this past summer, and even that makes me want to cry. Because we've been married for a year longer. Because I'm the same age as Paddy. Because, fuck, all they have to do is have sex. I struggle with that one a lot when it comes to heteros.
This is not something I can talk to Kyla about. She does not, in the slightest, understand how I feel, and I don't expect her to. I also know the things she would say, like how we can't afford it, and I have to finish school, and our jobs suck, etc. Listing off all the reason why we can't have a baby now doesn't help, it just makes me angry. It doesn't make it hurt any less. Platitudes of how it will be time for us to think about kids sometime soon in the future - not at all helpful. Still grieving for what I don't have.
Every time I hear about someone else getting pregnant, especially someone close to us, it feels like I've been punched in the soul.
Every time I have a birthday, I look at it as one year closer to the end of that prime fertile time, one year closer to it not just being hard, but being really really hard to conceive.
Happy pregnant people make me so fucking depressed sometimes.
I was really pissy the rest of the night.
I'm happy for them, of course. But more overwhelming than that is how much it hurts. I suspect there's only one person who may read this and understand all the feelings that I can't describe. Bitterness. Anger. Longing. We gather that they started trying right after their wedding this past summer, and even that makes me want to cry. Because we've been married for a year longer. Because I'm the same age as Paddy. Because, fuck, all they have to do is have sex. I struggle with that one a lot when it comes to heteros.
This is not something I can talk to Kyla about. She does not, in the slightest, understand how I feel, and I don't expect her to. I also know the things she would say, like how we can't afford it, and I have to finish school, and our jobs suck, etc. Listing off all the reason why we can't have a baby now doesn't help, it just makes me angry. It doesn't make it hurt any less. Platitudes of how it will be time for us to think about kids sometime soon in the future - not at all helpful. Still grieving for what I don't have.
Every time I hear about someone else getting pregnant, especially someone close to us, it feels like I've been punched in the soul.
Every time I have a birthday, I look at it as one year closer to the end of that prime fertile time, one year closer to it not just being hard, but being really really hard to conceive.
Happy pregnant people make me so fucking depressed sometimes.