Writing It Out
*looks around cautiously. I'm here. Still alive. Surviving what life throws at me. I've had plenty of dark moments and that darkness is never far away, but I'm still here.
Having my own place - not splitting an apartment, not renting a room - was a huge step for me. I love the place because it's MINE. It's odd-shaped, but it works for me. It holds all my furniture and stuff (though I'm still working on getting a chair for my table) quite comfortably. No, it doesn't have a microwave or counter space for anything larger than a coffeemaker, but I'm okay with that - I think, in the long run, not having 'quick access' to foods will help with my overall health and goals I'm working on there.
Work is a different story and continues to be an ongoing struggle. There's three separate issues being handled in two or three different ways, but they are also connected to each other. It's a giant mess and I do have the appropriate Union people assisting me, but I still have feelings of hurt and frustration against my employer - not against the closest coworkers and supervisors I've had, but the others above them. I haven't had a pay increase (for longevity) in over a year and a half, having been denied one because of failure to meet performance expectations and the second, most recent one deferred another six months so my performance in a new unit can be evaluated. The only increase I got was the loose change for the cost-of-living increase the union got for everyone. So that's one issue.
Issue #2 is a battle over performance reviews, the 'does not meet expectations' check marks and the discipline that has come from it. Short version: I was the first person any member of the public came in to deal with their 'welfare benefits' (i.e. Food stamps, cash aid for families, etc.). By my calculations, I had over 1000 interactions with individuals every calendar month. By their standards, one negative complaint in any period of time was one too many. The employer's attempts to 'help me improve myself' were set up to make me fail instead, thus leading through the disciplinary process. And just when I thought it was all done and I'd pass the most recent review, I didn't - I'm stuck in this limbo.
And finally, the biggest hurt of all: being transferred to a new worksite with a new team and supervisors instead of being able to stay with the supervisor who wanted me to stay and was willing to work with me, all because I did something I've never done before. For the first time EVER in my working life, I requested that my hearing impairment be taken into consideration, particularly in those complaints from the public.
Don't get me wrong - the new site is still the same work I've been doing, just without the public interaction. So, while it did solve that issue (and also why I thought I'd pass that last performance review and finally get a longevity increase), it hurt being told that, based on a single sentence on the forms from the doctor, that the employer determined this new position was the only way to accommodate me per the ADA.
I know the employer doesn't care about the human being that I am, but their actions still hurt. They know I live in the next county over and the drive is at least 45-60 minutes each way. I had planned to commute via bike and commuter train and that was shattered because it's not feasible at the new worksite. All I can do is drive and that's increased my cost of gas quite noticeably, not to mention wear and tear on a car I'm still paying for. And because I wasn't expecting this move, I extended my lease another six months just before I was transferred, so I'm stuck right now.
Part of my brain knows a change will be coming - something has to give between housing and employment because I can't see myself surviving in the long term - but most of my brain can only focus on getting through today.
Having my own place - not splitting an apartment, not renting a room - was a huge step for me. I love the place because it's MINE. It's odd-shaped, but it works for me. It holds all my furniture and stuff (though I'm still working on getting a chair for my table) quite comfortably. No, it doesn't have a microwave or counter space for anything larger than a coffeemaker, but I'm okay with that - I think, in the long run, not having 'quick access' to foods will help with my overall health and goals I'm working on there.
Work is a different story and continues to be an ongoing struggle. There's three separate issues being handled in two or three different ways, but they are also connected to each other. It's a giant mess and I do have the appropriate Union people assisting me, but I still have feelings of hurt and frustration against my employer - not against the closest coworkers and supervisors I've had, but the others above them. I haven't had a pay increase (for longevity) in over a year and a half, having been denied one because of failure to meet performance expectations and the second, most recent one deferred another six months so my performance in a new unit can be evaluated. The only increase I got was the loose change for the cost-of-living increase the union got for everyone. So that's one issue.
Issue #2 is a battle over performance reviews, the 'does not meet expectations' check marks and the discipline that has come from it. Short version: I was the first person any member of the public came in to deal with their 'welfare benefits' (i.e. Food stamps, cash aid for families, etc.). By my calculations, I had over 1000 interactions with individuals every calendar month. By their standards, one negative complaint in any period of time was one too many. The employer's attempts to 'help me improve myself' were set up to make me fail instead, thus leading through the disciplinary process. And just when I thought it was all done and I'd pass the most recent review, I didn't - I'm stuck in this limbo.
And finally, the biggest hurt of all: being transferred to a new worksite with a new team and supervisors instead of being able to stay with the supervisor who wanted me to stay and was willing to work with me, all because I did something I've never done before. For the first time EVER in my working life, I requested that my hearing impairment be taken into consideration, particularly in those complaints from the public.
Don't get me wrong - the new site is still the same work I've been doing, just without the public interaction. So, while it did solve that issue (and also why I thought I'd pass that last performance review and finally get a longevity increase), it hurt being told that, based on a single sentence on the forms from the doctor, that the employer determined this new position was the only way to accommodate me per the ADA.
I know the employer doesn't care about the human being that I am, but their actions still hurt. They know I live in the next county over and the drive is at least 45-60 minutes each way. I had planned to commute via bike and commuter train and that was shattered because it's not feasible at the new worksite. All I can do is drive and that's increased my cost of gas quite noticeably, not to mention wear and tear on a car I'm still paying for. And because I wasn't expecting this move, I extended my lease another six months just before I was transferred, so I'm stuck right now.
Part of my brain knows a change will be coming - something has to give between housing and employment because I can't see myself surviving in the long term - but most of my brain can only focus on getting through today.