Remembering birthdays
Birthdays. Not my own, but others. Dates in general aren't something I keep track of, but birthdays are the worst. My own birthday is something I'd rather ignore than acknowledge - not because of the thoughts about getting older, but just more a general unease about it. Keeping track of birthdays of close friends and family . . . . I forget more than remember.
I have two nieces born a week shy of two years apart, just don't ask what days each was born on. I have two cousins, one born in October (remembered because Halloween is a big deal in the family) and one born in June (the start of summer). Again, don't ask me what days because I couldn't tell you. I can't even give a rough estimate, like mid-month or something. Even the birthdays of my closest friends are barely remembered. (More like LJ or FB throw a reminder at me and thus begins the scramble to at least get a card in the mail.) I think they've all accepted that it's just a part of me, that I'll always be late with saying 'happy birthday' and/or delivering their presents, but, to me, it still doesn't make it okay.
My dad's birthday I don't think I'll ever forget the date of, nor my brother's - those are ones I remember most because they happened while growing up. Even if it was just a simple homemade cake and just us at home, there was something. My mom's birthday, though . . . I knew it was in the first part of June - I could always remember that much. I never could remember the date.
Her birthday is today - or it would be if she was here. It took her death to get it into my memory. It sounds ridiculous and stupid to my ears, but this date on the calendar makes me cringe and hurt as I remember that she's not here for it. I can keep myself busy - *points to overactive brain - and ignore it and every other manner of distraction (again, overactive brain), but it still hits me at some point in the day that it's her birthday.
And I still miss her.
I have two nieces born a week shy of two years apart, just don't ask what days each was born on. I have two cousins, one born in October (remembered because Halloween is a big deal in the family) and one born in June (the start of summer). Again, don't ask me what days because I couldn't tell you. I can't even give a rough estimate, like mid-month or something. Even the birthdays of my closest friends are barely remembered. (More like LJ or FB throw a reminder at me and thus begins the scramble to at least get a card in the mail.) I think they've all accepted that it's just a part of me, that I'll always be late with saying 'happy birthday' and/or delivering their presents, but, to me, it still doesn't make it okay.
My dad's birthday I don't think I'll ever forget the date of, nor my brother's - those are ones I remember most because they happened while growing up. Even if it was just a simple homemade cake and just us at home, there was something. My mom's birthday, though . . . I knew it was in the first part of June - I could always remember that much. I never could remember the date.
Her birthday is today - or it would be if she was here. It took her death to get it into my memory. It sounds ridiculous and stupid to my ears, but this date on the calendar makes me cringe and hurt as I remember that she's not here for it. I can keep myself busy - *points to overactive brain - and ignore it and every other manner of distraction (again, overactive brain), but it still hits me at some point in the day that it's her birthday.
And I still miss her.