Super Emo
Ok, three exams down and two left to go: Early Modern England (tomorrow afternoon) and History of Southern Africa (Friday morning). This hasn't been quite as hellish as expected. Of course, I don't think I really killed Astro or French, but I don't think they should alter my grades for the classes.
I can't bring myself to study for this coming exam. I had a migraine until 10, and then it went away, but immediately I started the routine mini-breakdown. I can't keep feeling this way. I cry every night. I don't know if it's exam stress or social stress or what, but I hope it goes away soon. I feel ineffective and sick and alone. I'm not writing, I'm not studying, I haven't gone to a party since the very beginning of the semester, and I feel all of my college friends slipping away through impending graduation, study abroad, or just diffidence. I also feel like I've lost my ability to make friends, meet people, and not be awkward. Everything is a dead end. Nobody at home seems to understand this, I guess because it's not something I've ever had trouble with before, but it feels like it's an integral part of my personality now, and I don't like it.
This doesn't feel like something I can blame on birth control hormones. I really can't shake the notion that these feelings are way too legitimate and founded completely on reason.
I wish I could bury myself in a novel. It's been too long. Maybe I've just never spent this much time wholly in reality before.
I also wish I had kept the same inherent personality traits I had at the age of nine. Insecurity sucks. Inadequacy sucks. Three weeks away will probably do me a world of good, but I have to not fuck up these history exams before then. This will entail wildly grasping at concentration straws.
You can see how well it's working. Thanks, Livejournal.